3 women in the world?

mrsconn23 · June 2020

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I (we’re both women) just moved in together after dating long-distance. We’re usually really good about discussing and resolving our problems. She’s not out to most of her conservative family because she’s worried about rejection. My parents aren’t in the picture, but my sisters are wonderful, and I came out at 16. I don’t mind being unknown to my partner’s family, but now that we live together, she wants to FaceTime her mom regularly and pretend I’m her roommate. I can’t do it. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. Usually I go to our spare bedroom, which we use as an office, when she calls her mom.

Today, I was planning on working in the living room, and she said, “I’ll FaceTime my mom when you go to the office.” It made me feel awful. I asked if she was going to call her mom every day. She said it was OK, that she was disappointed but could handle it—but then she started crying and went into our bedroom. I realized that my request might have reminded her of her last, very abusive relationship, where she was forced to cut off her family and friends. I wish I had thought about this when we started talking. I don’t want her to stop talking to her mom, but it just makes me feel awful. How can we handle this so I’m not being controlling, and also don’t fall apart every day? We’re both working from home right now, most businesses are all still closed, and it’s super hot in our city.

—Sad About FaceTime

CharmedPam · June 2020

I’d need to know how long LW’s partner is willing to drag this out? Forever? Then that wont work for LW. Bye.

banana468 · June 2020

CharmedPam said:

I’d need to know how long LW’s partner is willing to drag this out? Forever? Then that wont work for LW. Bye.

Yup. There comes a time that you need to stop being the roommate. If the partner can't talk about how to go about making that change with the LW's support then it's time to go.

mrsconn23 · June 2020

Having a 'conservative' family is such a bullshit cop out. Especially when you're a full grown adult, not relying on their financial support (I assume), and you've moved to be with your partner.

LW's GF sounds like she's pretty much gaslighting LW since she can't deal with any pushback from LW when LW asks to be validated as her partner. It doesn't sound like the GF actually wants to work on that either.

Also, I would bet dollars to doughnuts that GF's mom knows.

charlotte989875 · June 2020

How did they not talk about this before they moved in together? This seems like a pretty big issue to just leave up “we’ll figure it out”. GF needs to work with LW to find a solution where she isn’t forced to reveal information to her family before she’s prepared, but also where LW doesn’t have to hide, lie, or significantly change her routing on a daily basis. I don’t know what that looks like but the current plan clearly isn’t working.

ei34 · June 2020

Playing along with this charade would be hurtful for me, and the fact that LW ends up feeling controlling-borderline-abusive is really sad.

MyNameIsNot · June 2020

One of my exes was like this. Her family were southern baptist homophobic assholes, and she was terrified to come out to them. So I had to play the roommate and friend. To be fair, we were 22 and very much figuring things out. It sucked. It sucked that I wasn't invited to her brother's wedding along with the other siblings' s/os. It sucked that I wasn't invited to Christmas dinner. It sucked that she wouldn't come to my family for holidays, because she couldn't explain to her family why she wanted to spend Thanksgiving with her roommate. It sucked that her mother told her I was a clingy friend and that she should separate herself. It sucked that I had to pretend to live in the guest room when anyone who knew her family came over. We lost contact after we split, but we still have a few mutual friends. I heard recently that she's still closeted to her family, living with a secret partner. It just makes me so sad.

I don't think anyone should be forced to come out, and I understand that it may never be safe for LW's GF. But gawd, it sucks. I don't think I could be a secret GF for the long term.

VarunaTT · June 2020

I don't think anyone should be forced to come out. I also don't think anyone has to endure a relationship kept secret b/c their partner won't come out. There's really no good answer here and each person has to decide for themselves. I still know plenty of queer folx who have been disowned by their families where I live.

I don't particularly like that I did this, but K wasn't out to their mother's side of the family. But I was still requested to go to family events with this side of the family and be the roommate. I was polite, but firm about that would not be happening (apparently other partners did it). I think it all eventually came to a head b/c K's family wanted to have their full family together and K's mom basically said, "My mother and brother can eff off if they don't like my kids" and (with K's permission), talked to her mother about K's orientation. Things were a bit rough for awhile, but seem to have settled down mostly.

ETA: I don't think anyone should be forced to come out except closeted Republican politicians who actively create and vote in anti-LGBTQ+ legislation. That's the one time I'm a million percent fine with it, Lindsey Graham.

3 women in the world?

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