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What?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

Recently, I joined a dating app to spice up my solo quarantine and try to find straight men who were interested in Victorian-style epistolary romance. I matched with a professor at a nearby college whose second message told me he was “trans amorous.” Did I do the wrong thing by reporting his account to the app? I’m not trans (not that it was any of his business). The term really rankled, and I can only imagine how it might affect someone else. I was left in a swirl of questions about how I present and how people see me versus who I am. I regret not directly challenging him in the moment. “Trans amory” is fetishistic bullshit, right? Should I have said something? I reported him, but I did not reach out to his employer, who I was easily able to find with a google search. Ugh! I’m just trying to find love and wear utility ponchos.

—Was I a Bad Ally?

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Re: What?

  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I’m not sure I totally get what’s going on here, but the LW reported a profile for being trans amorous (attracted to trans people?) because they think that’s inappropriate? Or because the person reached out and LW is reacting poorly and assuming the match thought LW was trans? 

    Color me confused. But if it’s the later LW is totally in the wrong for reporting someone for thinking they are trans (which sounds a lot like transphobia to me). If it’s the former? IDK- if need more information on how trans amorous is seen by then trans community. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    OK, maybe I'm clueless or something, but doesn't "trans amorous" just mean that he is attracted to/open to dating trans people? Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but that doesn't sound to me like something that warrants reporting him to the dating app, and definitely doesn't warrant reporting him to his employer.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    One of you not only stuck in the wrong century but needs to come to terms with reality.  That what you may choose not to engage in the same attraction as someone but your beliefs are factually incorrect at best and repugnant at worst.   That you decided to take the deep dive in internet searches and think you are on some kind of moral high ground for not reporting a person for not doing wrong to his employer only means that you need a quality therapist and a friend who can help you understand that before you desire romance you need to seek to understand human kind first. 
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Just because he wrote he was trans amorous LW assumed he was referring to LW? Maybe he was just letting LW know his sexual preferences so she knows them up front?

    him: Im trans amorous
    LW: I’m not trans!!!

    kinda the same as:
    him:  I fly planes
    LW: I don’t fly planes!!! ::report report report::

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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    I read it twice because I was so confused. I would think that if you're interested in transpeople and/or open to dating a transperson, putting it on your dating profile is a good way to identify yourself as an ally and where your dating pool lies.   

    Unless 'trans amorous' is an outdated term or offensive because of the fetishization of transpeople and it represents that, I'm not seeing the problem here?  I'm coming from a place of ignorance of dating as a transperson or someone who is not trans, but open to dating transpeople. 

    I still think that LW is over-reactionary and doing allyship wrong.  She fucking jumped to trying to doxx the dude over one term. 
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited July 2020
    No one at all is interested in what Victorian-style epistolary romance is? 
    Edit:  I mean I know what it IS - but like how do you get the other person involved?  How is this a “thing”?

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    I understand where LW is coming from. "Trans-amorous" is problematic at best. It's fetishizing and othering trans people. 

    But someone would have to say something really egregious for me to think an employer needs to be alerted. I don't see that here. 
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  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    This letter just makes me want to lie down. 

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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Thank you to those clarifying that the trans amorous is not appropriate.   It's not how I interpreted the comment and appreciate the education. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    banana468 said:
    Thank you to those clarifying that the trans amorous is not appropriate.   It's not how I interpreted the comment and appreciate the education. 
    Myself also.

    I did not realize the term "trans amorous" could be fetishizing/derogatory.  I was more reading it the LW was offended the person who contacted them didn't "perfectly match" with their own sexuality.

    Contacting the site still seems like too much.  But that the LW was thinking about contacting their employer.  What, the what, the what, the what?!?!?!

    LW, Victorian-style epistolary romance is apparently not enough.  You need to find more hobbies for your time than Googling random guys you aren't even interested in anyway.
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