Help Me Military Wives

kyrgyzstan · September 2010

OP, you're making Howard look like they don't offer English 101. I know for a fact they do, so use that GE knowledge you got Freshman year. Or use the knowledge that got you those AP credits.

It is literally impossible to take you seriously as a mature adult, because not only are your decisions not mature, but you can't even be bothered to type like an adult. No one will think you're intelligent if you type like a child. If you are, awesome, the first step is to get yourself into counseling and figure out why you made this rash marital decision in the first place, and why you've continued down the path of poor choices.

meltoine · September 2010

Your husband has some serious issues, and so do you.

I am not one to jump on the "divorce! immediately!" bandwagon. You have options. What is your H willing to do about the situation? Are you living together now? You mentioned a deployment - is he currently deployed? Are you still living with your mom, even though you said your mom is well again?

These questions are important - especially the first. If you and your H are both willing to go to counselling - marital and individual - then you have a serious shot at making this work. If one or both of you is not willing to go, there's not much we can do for you. You need to share these issues with someone who can get the full story from everyone involved and offer wise, professional counsel on the topic. A public message board is not the place for that. We are not therapists, and we are working with very limited information.

The first thing you need to address in individual therapy is, like PPs have said, your willingness to have a hand in raising a child your H fathered with someone else while married to you. Look down the road a few months or years. When your H gets a phone call in the middle of the night that this woman is in labor, he will leave your bed and go to her side to see his child born. Your H will become a father and you won't be there.

A few months later he may end up in a church with her and her family as his child is baptized. Can you stomach kissing him goodbye as he leaves your home for that? Can you stomach sitting in the front row while she and he stand together with their child in front of their families and God?

Can you handle staying home with your own children while he and his parents meet up with her at their child's high school graduation? What about the overnight trip he takes a few months later to drop that child off at college with this other woman?

You get the point. There will be hundreds of little incidences like this for the rest of your H's life. This child's first steps, words, day of school, boy/girlfriend, break-up; his/her graduations, wedding, children. The list only gets longer the more you think about it.

Of course, not all of these things may happen and they may not all apply to your situation. But, you need to realize that your husband is now bound to this woman for the rest of his life by their child. This is not an obligation that ends when the child is eighteen. Your husband and this woman will also be grandparents together.

Can you continue on in this marriage knowing that he will experience all of these things with her and not you? You never mentioned any, so I'm assuming you don't have kids with him yet. The "firsts" as a parent are a big deal. He will share them with her, not with you.

Also, like a PP mentioned, a significant part of your H's salary (and in hard times, after your H gets out of the military, if he is ever unemployed, maybe yours too) will go to support this child. Can you sacrifice or postpone some of the dreams and plans you had together, like vacations, houses, cars, etc., for this child?

If you find anything I've mentioned here even slightly objectionable, you may not have the ability to make your marriage work, no matter what lengths your H is willing to go to and no matter what kind of trust you are able to rebuild.

I wish you the best and I hope you can grow from this experience, either together with or separate from your H.

shan87 · September 2010

I have a feeling by this time you have stopped checking in and/or reading responses to this post.

After reading all these posts there is still one question I think you need to ask yourself.

You mentioned that Marriage is for the Good and Bad. Better or Worse. You are 100% right! However, Marriage is also a rollercoaster and there are countless Ups and Downs. That being said, although you may not find yourself in the exact same situation again you will find yourself in a similar one at some point.

What will H do the next time you hit a rough patch?

That is what I would be concerend with at this point. - Do you think you can get to the point where at the next rough patch both of you are working through it vs. running away to someone else?

Coming from a blended family - I worry you don't know what you are getting yourself into with helping raise a child that isn't yours.

HeatherJ10 · September 2010

I don't think that the point of this conversation is for us to judge her or badger her. I think that she is simply asking for how other people have dealt with a situation similar in any way to hers.

I can say from personal experience that when they cheat, they will do it again. I dated my ex-husband for 4 years before we got married. Eight months after we were married he cheated on me and I caught him. I decided that I was willing to do everything in my power to look past it and move on with our lives. We went to counseling and changed our lives to adapt to anything we needed. About 4 months later, I caught him cheating again and finding other ways to cheat too (i.e.. online dating websites). I then found out that shortly after we got married he cheated on me multiple times while on a deployment. Although I may have been nieve to think that he never cheated on me before we were married, I genuinely had no indication of such. I realize that it is one of the hardest decisions that you will ever have to make, because their is no turning back on the decision. Nobody says divorce is easy, but everything in life happens for a reason. I am now happily remarried and have never felt better in my life. A feeling I thought I had felt at one time, and was I ever wrong.

I am not saying that you should get a divorce or that you should stay with him, but I do think it is important to think it all through and know that you are doing what is best for you and your future. In the end if being with him makes you happy then be with him, but do keep an awareness of the consequences of your actions.

I wish you the best in everything! I know how hard it is to make the decision and feel confident in it.

tat2mommy · September 2010

Wow...some the ladies honest opinions are coming off so rude. You all know a tiny bit of their relationship, you all don't know what they have been through in their eight years of knowing each other. It's easy for people on the outside to say he's a scumbag or they need to get a divorce, but how many people will actually take their own advice and leave their husband without thinking twice?? Probably a very small precentage of us. It may not even be his baby and who is to say that they can't work through this and it won't make them stronger?? I've only been married for 8 months, but I know marriage takes work.
@whymelove you asked for opinons, but in the end it is your decision. If you can get past what happend and forgive him, then do what makes you happy. But what ever you decide you know you must live with and if he does it again you can only blame yourself.

p.s. Ladies, please secure all the bitchieness.

LeahCK · September 2010

1). I've been through what you are going through
2). I stayed, thinking that he was at a weak phase in his life and that his character was much better. That's what I told myself so I didn't have to leave and he was excellent in driving it home and making me believe it. I was so young, impressionable and thought I was in love.
3). I knew him for 8 years and felt extremely comfortable with who he was.

TRUTHS:
1). People change as they grow and they want to experience new things, he was lonely so he slept with someone else. She didn't unknowingly get pregnant. Have a chat with her I am willing to bet my house and bank accounts that he told her that he either A. had strong feelings for her but was committed to you or

. he loved her.

2). I wasted another 2 years to see his true colors that I didn't see the previous 8 because I didn't date him.

3). He slept with her once, think about when he has to fly out to pick up the kid to spend time with s/he. He will cheat on you again, it IS in his character and you have to come to terms with that. People make mistakes all the time and they're human but it's of a stronger character to admit to who you really are and what your character contains. My ex will ALWAYS cheat, it's just a matter of time!!

4). He'll tell you anything right now and for the next year to keep you. Once you stay in the marriage too long you're too vested and have less willingness to leave (women are like that in general) but as you get older, wiser and less tolerable to immoral actions you will have wasted the time that you stayed.

SO.. RECOMMENDATION... do not talk, text, email or communicate with him in any way for 60 days and you'll have a clearer head. Trust me (it's easier said than done, pick up a new hobby to take up your time). The separation will give you clarity. You're not a priority in his life and that sucks but you won't realize it until you have a clear head and separate yourself from the emotions to make a decision.

And if he begged you to move with him and couldn't stay faithful when you didn't then he's needy and who wants a needy man, even if it's subtle?

BTW - no one is attacking you but we're seeing young women make mistakes we already know all too well.

I hope you pray for courage and draw on your elder women in your family for strength and guidance , or atleast cry on a shoulders friend who kicks your butt.

stophammertime · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-wives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b0479750-1c6a-48ad-b0d0-99c9aa836935Post:d9acb737-f7c1-4978-8650-a0015ff41a3c">Re: Help Me Military Wives</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help Me Military Wives : Really? You went to college? Get a refund. Why did you capitalize "He"? Are you married to Jesus now? And no, he's not your 'soulmate' if he's sleeping with other people. If you felt like you were being pulled in too many directions, you shouldn't have gotten married. You're making poor choices and you don't recognize it. Honestly, you sound like you're 21, not 26. There's too much nonsense in your post for me to even address all of it. Who the eff spells "girl" as "gurl" in everyday conversation?
Posted by MrsOjoButtons[/QUOTE]

Hey, hey, hey...I was 21 when I got married to my Marine! Thinking she is 21 makes me look bad! Can we say 16 instead? Hahaha. Just kidding. But we had actually been dating for 5 years and had lived together for 4 years so we both knew perfectly well what we were getting into. Also, I gained something from my college and I would run like hell if my husband did this to me so we are OBVIOUSLY not on the same level. Maybe I'm just really mature and intelligent for my age...

Anyway, as far as the advice goes, I have had boyfriends cheat on me and I can speak from experience that it is extremely hard to get over. I actually was never able to get over any of the cheating so I left and found someone much better! Right now it may really feel like you love him and that he is your "soulmate" but you may not feel that way 1 year down the road. Everytime you look at him you will see him with that other woman. You begin to question everything. When he kisses you, you will wonder if he kissed her the same way. It will break you down little by little. Honestly, it seems that he doesn't respect you and being with someone who doesn't respect you means you don't respect yourself. Don't you feel like you deserve better? My advice...RUN! Run like hell and never look back!

Sammy0709 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-wives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b0479750-1c6a-48ad-b0d0-99c9aa836935Post:5dda1dd1-a7bc-42da-a6fc-7a1927ef7965">Re: Help Me Military Wives</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help Me Military Wives : Hey, hey, hey...I was 21 when I got married to my Marine! Thinking she is 21 makes me look bad! Can we say 16 instead? Hahaha. Just kidding. But we had actually been dating for 5 years and had lived together for 4 years so we both knew perfectly well what we were getting into. Also, I gained something from my college and I would run like hell if my husband did this to me so we are OBVIOUSLY not on the same level. <strong>Maybe I'm just really mature and intelligent for my age... </strong>Posted by ashley35209[/QUOTE]

I would watch where you post things like that (the bolded)...or never visit the nest if I were you

stophammertime · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-wives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b0479750-1c6a-48ad-b0d0-99c9aa836935Post:f4e8f5dd-79e1-4179-b940-890aea5f18d2">Re: Help Me Military Wives</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help Me Military Wives : I would watch where you post things like that (the bolded)...or never visit the nest if I were you
Posted by Sammy0709[/QUOTE]

And that is supposed to mean what? I guess some people can not take jokes. Why exactly is it that I would not be considered mature or intelligent?

Sammy0709 · September 2010

It's not that I think you are immature or unintelligent...there are a lot of women on the nest that jump on the knot occassionally that will side eye you and probably have some nasty remarks to people who say "I'm mature for my age." I'm not trying to be snarky or mean I'm just giving you a word of advice.

SuRfGrl81 · October 2010

If he was such a good person he would NOT have cheated on you. Once a cheater always a cheater and I know that from experience just thank the spirits I didn't marry him. The person I'm with now would never cheat on me....but if he did he knows I'd kick him to the curb married or not.

You both sound too immature to be married....he dug his grave and now he has to lie in it...don't lie in it with him just move on and take with you the knowledge that you learned from this experience.

JKChristie · October 2010

Okay I hope you don't take this offensively because I'm being honest, but seriously. You all are being so rude!
She's hurting. She had a genuine question, and she wanted you to help her not to sit there and bash on her like she's a child.
She's a grown woman (Just like all of you) and I honestly couldn't believe that you all sat there and wrote these things to her! Put yourself in her position, she's in a fragile place right now and she doesn't need people telling her that what she did out of love was a mistake. That's like someone telling you that being with your loved one is a mistake, and that is just not fair.

To the person that originally posted this. I am so sorry for everything that you are/ have been going through. I hope that everything works out and that you find a way to deal with all of this that makes you happy again.

Sammy0709 · October 2010

Exactly she is a grown woman who asked for honest advice on what other women would do in her position and she got it. If she wanted to come on here for people to feel bad for her she shouldn't have asked for advice.

hizwifehizlife · October 2010

look i wasn't able to read ur postin i just went though my husband having a affair on me. n he has not gotten no one pregnant! n him n the girl he was messing around with are both at falt because she knew he was married if she cant be a adult if u wanna work it try to go to the chaplain people are gonna say leave him he will do it again well bby it depends on the man and the situation u cant blame one man for every man mistakes we are all human we are all flawed i am still hurt but u kno what i am closer n more understanding to my husband and mama i can tell u he treats me better and the chaplain is making sure we work this out so if u would like to tlak to some one who wont judge an d be a ear i am hear cass

calindi · October 2010

It's okay to be angry at both your man AND the other woman, but he's the one who said the vows so ultimately it's his fault. She didn't promise you anything - it's slimey, and totally trashy, but it's not her issue. Even if she knew he was married, it's not her responsibility. Sad, but true. It makes me so disappointed when women focus their anger on the other woman so they can try to forgive their man - if you can't forgive her, then you haven't forgiven him.

I'm truly sorry this has happened - there's nothing easy about this situation for anyone. I would certainly talk to a psychologist to sort through all the emotions and issues you're dealing with - they'll help you talk through each of the issues, including all those brought up here (namely if you can handle him being a part of this child's life, and having this child in your life) and to see what's the best move for you. No one can tell you if it's worth it or not to try and move past this, or to get out - that's for you to decide. I will say it's going to be incredibly difficult either way. Good luck!

jlynn5084 · October 2010

My mom always told me once a cheater always a cheater...why would you be with someone who said YES to having SEX with another women? That is the most intimate act one can share with someone else. This is something that is supposed to be special, even though in today's society it isn't look at it like that. It's how I feel. If your H created another human life with someone while you were taking care of your sick mother...what is he going to do if you get sick? My father died from cancer and my FI was there for me the entire time. Not only did he drive 12 hours from VA beach to PA to see me and make sure I was ok, but he would send me flowers and send my family gifts as well. That is what a man should do for the one he loves and wants to be with for the REST of his life, not get another women pregnant. You need to look at the big picture, if he cheated on you once what is to stop him from doing it again? Especially if he knows you are going to stay with him and not do anything about it? In his mind he got away with it once so he can continue to do so. Do not kid yourself, he is a man and men love sex. If he feels he can sleep around and you are just going to sit back and take it he will! Get out now..there are plenty of men in this world who are not awful. You can find someone that treats you the way you deserve to be treated, loves, respects, and cares about you. Someone that will not have a child with someone else, someone that you will be able to trust, and someone that you will not have to come onto a message board to get advice about. I don't want you to take this as a mean post but I am just trying to get you to see that life moves on, there are other men out there and that your H is not the great man that you think he is ...he is a cheater.

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