Wedding Woes

Make them all write essays to convince you.

Dear Prudence,

When I was 20, my older sister and her wife approached me about being a sperm donor for them. My family was all for it. Looking back, they all put a lot of pressure on me to say yes. I love my niece, and she understands the circumstances of her birth, but I’ve had a few uncomfortable moments where she looks and acts so much like me that I instinctively think, “Oh wow, she’s my kid.” I don’t regret my decision, but I wouldn’t do it again. I’m now seriously dating a woman I see a future with. My sister and her wife have separated twice (it’s been a tumultuous marriage). They recently reconciled and decided they want a second kid—and for me to donate sperm again. I said no, and my sister got really upset. She said I was “destroying” her chance at a second child because she wants a biological link between the kids. She even tried blaming my girlfriend (they don’t really get along because their personalities clash), but I told my sister to back off, that it was sick to think anyone “owed” her sperm, and that babies don’t fix broken marriages.

That offended my sister-in-law (who, frankly, my parents prefer to all of their own kids). Now my parents are picking apart my refusal: Am I planning to get married and have kids with my girlfriend soon? You said yes before, why not now? Don’t you think they are good moms? Why don’t you want to give us another grandchild? Even my other sister is puzzled about my refusal. I pointed out she could donate an egg to help them out and she said it wasn’t the same. I am beating my head against a brick wall here. I don’t get why my “no” isn’t enough, especially since my family is supposedly very liberal and supports reproductive freedom. This is putting a lot of stress on my relationship because my family has decided to scapegoat my girlfriend rather than deal with my older sister’s entitlement.

—No Round Two

Re: Make them all write essays to convince you.

  • Stop beating your head on the wall.

    Do not expect them to change.

    Their apparent definition is that by being open minded everyone else needs to do what they say or those who choose differently are wrong.

  • ei34ei34 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yikes.  There was a Modern Family episode with this plot line, but they ended up being weirded out by the baby having an Aunt Mommy.  I don't want to be close-minded, I guess if there was a family where everyone was on board it could work?  But poor LW was coerced at a young age to go along with this.  I'd recommend family counseling but it sounds like the family is really hard to reason with.  Again, poor LW (and gf).
  • MNNEBrideMNNEBride Midwest member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    I'm making the assumption that it was LW sperm and Sister-in-law's egg that created the first child.  For a second child, Sister could have a different sperm-donor and the children would still be biologically related.  Problem solved.  (assuming Sister is biologically able to have children).  

  • No is absolutely enough and the only thing you need to say. If they bring it up say that you e already told them your decision and you won’t discuss it further. 

    Consent given once doesn’t mean consent in perpetuity. 
  • Not that the brother should feel obligated to, but I wonder if he's told them some of what he's written in the letter.  Because it answers their question of why he did it once, but doesn't want to do it again.

    With that said, I'm also baffled where his family...especially his sister and SIL...are coming from getting upset with him because he doesn't want to donate his sperm again.  Especially with the guilt trip about a sibling for the niece.  No, Sis and SIL, that is YOUR choice to not have a second child if it involves using anonymous sperm.  Which is a fine choice, but it's outrageous to blame others.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 31
    Time to put your family in a nice, long time out until they learn to behave like an adult.  

    I sometimes wonder if Brave New World did have the right idea about family.

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards