Wedding Woes

My ex's ex: Dreamlover...?

Dear Prudence,

I think I’m in love with my ex-husband’s mistress. We were married for three years when I learned he was cheating on me because his mistress, “Kate,” sent me proof. They’d been seeing each other for six months after meeting on Tinder. She’d had no idea that he was married. It wasn’t some big heartbreak, as our marriage had been rocky from the start, and this was the last straw. Kate and I ended up meeting for coffee and got along like a house on fire. We both work with children and love dogs and hiking. We ended up going on a hike together the very next week. That was two years ago, and I haven’t seen my ex-husband since, but Kate and I still go hiking once a week. Now these hikes are socially distanced. They also seem to have gone from “friendly” to “flirty.” I’m very attracted to her. She’s mentioned having had girlfriends in the past, and I’m bisexual myself, although I’ve only dated another woman once before. I’m starting to fall for her, and sometimes she makes comments that suggest she may feel the same way. But I can’t help but feel a little awkward about dating my ex-husband’s ex-lover. I’d like to try to ask her out, but I’m too nervous. What should I do?

Re: My ex's ex: Dreamlover...?

  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    The only way to tell how Kate feels is to ask Kate.

    also would make a very interesting “how did you meet?” Story...

  • If only words could be used...
  • We are very close, we see each other regularly, we share many aspects of our lives but but but How do I talk to her???!!!

  • If you had met in any other way would you be worried about asking her out? If not then the only thing that’s standing in your way is a terrible man that neither of you are involved with any longer. Ask her out, and see where it goes. 
  • I'm rooting for her and Kate.  Mainly because, even if the LW and the cheating ex no longer communicate, I'm sure he'd find out.  I want to picture the look on his face when he realizes his ex-wife and ex-mistress are an item.  All thanks to him.

    Seriously, though.  Especially since the LW thinks she picking up signs, she should talk to Kate about going on a romantic date.  With the typical disclaimer of "if you're not interested, it's cool, I value our friendship and am fine keeping it there".  It is an awkward convo!  And it could mess up the friendship.  But it sounds like this is something the LW has been thinking about for a long time and it's worth the risk to see if the feeling is mutual.  Otherwise, the LW is just going to keep wondering and that might be holding her back from either a romantic relationship with Kate or moving on to someone else.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This feels like some weird fantasy or the start of a porn. 

    But yes, LW, ask her out! She might not be into it, but it could be really great. You'll never know if you don't try. 
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 6
    Yes, the way you met is unusual. But you've clearly made a really strong connection with Kate, and would you really want to miss out on a potentially great relationship just because you were both involved with the same sorry excuse of a man a few years back? Or because you're afraid of the inevitable "how did you meet" question in the future?

    I say go for it. Talk to her about how you feel, especially if you think she might feel the same way. The only caution I'd give is to think about whether you'll still feel happy and comfortable in her company if it turns out she's not interested in you romantically.
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