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Kicked out of wedding

knottiea6f6a672eded5bb9knottiea6f6a672eded5bb9 newb
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Last year I was asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend’s wedding.  Her wedding was supposed to be this October, however when COVID-19 hit she had to cancel.  She decided to have the bridal shower and bachelorette party as planned on Labor Day weekend.  Recently I found out they were getting a stripper for the bachelorette party.  Being married and living a certain lifestyle, I expressed that I didn’t feel comfortable.  The MOH suggested I come the day after and I told her to keep the convo between us so that I didn’t cause any waves.  2 hours later my friend texts me and says I’m out of the wedding.  Anyone have a similar experience or know what to say?
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Re: Kicked out of wedding

  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    knottiea6f6a672eded5bb9 said:
    Last year I was asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend’s wedding.  Her wedding was supposed to be this October, however when COVID-19 hit she had to cancel.  She decided to have the bridal shower and bachelorette party as planned on Labor Day weekend.  Recently I found out they were getting a stripper for the bachelorette party.  Being married and living a certain lifestyle, I expressed that I didn’t feel comfortable.  The MOH suggested I come the day after and I told her to keep the convo between us so that I didn’t cause any waves.  2 hours later my friend texts me and says I’m out of the wedding.  Anyone have a similar experience or know what to say?
    JIC

    If this isn't MUD...

    I feel like this is missing some details.  Your comment about being married and living a 'certain lifestyle' as a reason why you find the planned entertainment/activities objectionable comes off as a little judgey, even if you didn't mean it that way.  It's your right to turn down an invitation to a party where you're not interested in the entertainment (or any other aspect).  However, it's better to just decline without giving a reason beyond, "Oh I just can't make it."   

    I'm not sure how coming the day after for the other event turned into being kicked out.  I do think unless a WP member does something so egregious that it's worth ending a friendship, once someone is in your WP they shouldn't be kicked out. 

    I think you should pick up the phone, if you feel like it, and call her.  Texting all this business just creates more issues. 
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  • knottiea6f6a672eded5bb9knottiea6f6a672eded5bb9 newb
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    I didn’t want to lie and say I couldn’t make it.  This has been planned for a while.  
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    edited August 2020
    A couple things:
    -How did you phrase that you're not interested in a stripper?  DH got a stripper for a friend's bachelor party (We were married 9 years at the time that he did this) and another married friend said, "Hey guys that's cool if you want to get one.  I won't partake."  He didn't poo poo it but he also said he wasn't going to be interested in that aspect.   I'm curious how you phrased it because if it was sanctimonious it could have rubbed them the wrong way. 

    -Kicking you out of the wedding even if you were sanctimonious is a jerk thing.   I wouldn't respond unless you've incurred expenses for the wedding in which case I'd send your former friend an invoice for what you bought as attire for the wedding. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    Even if you didn’t want to go to the party with a stripper kicking you out of the wedding is extreme and uncalled for (unless you’re leaving something out here or were rude to the NOH or bride but nothing suggests that’s the case). 

    I’d call your friend. Maybe the MOH didn’t convey your message correctly, maybe the bride misunderstood? This seems like an overreaction to not wanting to be at a party with a stripper. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    knottiea6f6a672eded5bb9 said:
    I didn’t want to lie and say I couldn’t make it.  This has been planned for a while.  
    Ok, so I guess the question is...was the adult entertainment one part of the night/weekend? Were there other activities planned? Was there any way you could ‘sit out’ that part (like go home at that point, or if it is a weekend getaway thing, you could go back to your room/accommodations, via Uber or whatever)?

    And it’s also ok to change an accepted invitation to something into a decline and say that it’s ‘not my thing’. I mean, let’s look at it a from a different tack...say your friends decided they wanted to go a beer festival as part of the weekend and you had to pay to get in and beer isn’t your thing, so you really don’t want to pay for that activity. So you would say, “hey, beer isn’t my thing. I’m just gonna skip that part”?  

    Again, I feel like I can’t give more personalized advice without more information. And I still stand by trying to communicate over phone/FaceTime vs texting back and forth. I work in eCommerce customer service and tone is hard af to read in print 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    knottiea6f6a672eded5bb9 said:
    I didn’t want to lie and say I couldn’t make it.  This has been planned for a while.  
    Ok, so I guess the question is...was the adult entertainment one part of the night/weekend? Were there other activities planned? Was there any way you could ‘sit out’ that part (like go home at that point, or if it is a weekend getaway thing, you could go back to your room/accommodations, via Uber or whatever)?

    And it’s also ok to change an accepted invitation to something into a decline and say that it’s ‘not my thing’. I mean, let’s look at it a from a different tack...say your friends decided they wanted to go a beer festival as part of the weekend and you had to pay to get in and beer isn’t your thing, so you really don’t want to pay for that activity. So you would say, “hey, beer isn’t my thing. I’m just gonna skip that part”?  

    Again, I feel like I can’t give more personalized advice without more information. And I still stand by trying to communicate over phone/FaceTime vs texting back and forth. I work in eCommerce customer service and tone is hard af to read in print 
    So much to the bolded.   I can "feel" how things escalate in print and reach a point where it's just better to pick up the phone and hash things out verbally.    In CS it can be best to say, "I think talking may be better because some concerns can be lost in the text and a conversation to discuss this may help make sure we're aligned."  Using business lingo may make the conversation a bit more formal but the overall approach when making it a friendly conversation is to say, "Hey I think there may be things getting lost in the texts.   Can we try to clear the air?" 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    Count yourself lucky? All of this sounds recklessly unsafe. 
    Also that.   What kind of shower and bachelorette party are we talking about happening in a pandemic? 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    edited August 2020
    banana468 said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    Count yourself lucky? All of this sounds recklessly unsafe. 
    Also that.   What kind of shower and bachelorette party are we talking about happening in a pandemic? 
    Here I am responding like we're all in normal times.  LOL  Idk why I just assume social distancing/safety measures are going to happen.   

    ETA: Also OP, If you do get back on track with the bride, I'd definitely avoid ever talking to the MOH about anything one on one.   Clearly, there are communication issues there. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    banana468 said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    Count yourself lucky? All of this sounds recklessly unsafe. 
    Also that.   What kind of shower and bachelorette party are we talking about happening in a pandemic? 
    I mean I guess Zoom strippers are probably available 
    Texas had drive through strippers. Burgers and boobs. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    banana468 said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    Count yourself lucky? All of this sounds recklessly unsafe. 
    Also that.   What kind of shower and bachelorette party are we talking about happening in a pandemic? 
    I mean I guess Zoom strippers are probably available 
    Isn't that what onlyfans is? 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    Where you make it rain on Venmo? 
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    edited August 2020
    Three letter and two word reply "WTF - Call me" to the text...  Communicating something like that only through text without getting your side of the story - if the bride is that shallow and won't pick up a phone to talk to you, you dodged a bullet and saved yourself about a grand or more!  

    Really - I'm guessing that the MOH blew things out of proportion or gave a spin to things that you weren't intending.  Not wanting to be around a stripper, married, lifestyle, Amish, or whatnot, is not an unusual request to skip out on SNS...  

    ETA: FWIW - a stripper could keep 6' of social distancing... It's a stripper after all, their job is teasing!

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  • knottie993151e6061f392eknottie993151e6061f392e member
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    I agree with the comments above too, your comment about living 'a certain lifestyle' is definitely judgy. 

    If you didn't want to watch the stripper (for whatever reason) you could have come a bit later that night? 

    Again, I probably would have spoken to the bride herself and not tip toed around it by talking to the MOH. 

    I don't blame the bride for being angry with you though if you had worded it in judgy manner (whether it was intentional or not). Give her some time to calm down then try to call her. I am sure she will be ok in a few days (a lot of brides get stressed with wedding planning and this just may have been stacking stress on stress and not actually about you not wanting to go to the hen's night). 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    Why not just walk out and use the bathroom during the stripping? Mentioning "a certain lifestyle" was judgmental and put you in a negative light.

    But kicking you out of the wedding over it?????????????????????????

    That calls for clarification at the very least. And don't use texting for it. Speak to the bride about it a few days from now. If she gets defensive over her decision, then you dodged a bullet. 
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