Wedding Woes

Terminally single and don't know how to mingle.

Dear Prudence,

I am a straight woman, 29, who has never been kissed, been on a date, had a boyfriend—you name it, I haven’t done it, even though I’m interested. No guy has ever seemed to be interested in me (and all the ones that I really liked were in a relationship already). Not only that, but none of my friends, past or present, have ever asked me about my dating history. Neither have my family members, not even my parents. I’ve never offered any information because there’s nothing to tell, and it feels a little embarrassing. But it’s like I live in this bubble of perpetual singleness that everyone pretends isn’t there.

I love the way I look and dress, and in recent years my self-confidence has made massive strides, and I think I’m a total catch. I’m friendly when I meet new people, and I have a decent-sized social circle. The only thing I can think of is my height—I’m 5-foot-11, so I’m taller than a lot of the guys I meet. But that can’t explain away an entire lack of interest! All around me I see people my age getting engaged and getting married, and I’d love to have a relationship of my own. I just don’t understand why it just seems to happen for everyone else, but not for me. For what it’s worth, I briefly tried dating apps but stopped because they made me feel jittery and uncomfortable. I’d much rather meet someone IRL! Could you help me get some perspective on what might be going on?

—Single and Silent

Re: Terminally single and don't know how to mingle.

  • I think therapy is an answer here. Why did dating apps make you uncomfortable? They’re not perfect but well and truly part of the landscape. And you’re not going out and meeting new people in person at the moment anyway!
    short+sassycharlotte989875
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It seems like LW is putting something out there that she doesn't know about, but family and friends seem to be picking up on it. It's not the height. I'm 6'1 and found plenty of people to date. 

    The "(and all the ones that I really liked were in a relationship already)" is concerning. Maybe there's something there? 

    Counselling seems like a great idea.
    charlotte989875
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don’t want to judge, but LW might be the issue here. There’s a reason her friends and family never even ask. 


    image
    banana468charlotte989875
  • levioosa said:
    I don’t want to judge, but LW might be the issue here. There’s a reason her friends and family never even ask. 
    I'm wondering if LW is ready for a rough dose of medicine.  I'm thinking as well that something is off and that's why no one asks.
  • There is something fishy about the LW.  I don't mean that in a bad way, but I can't help but feel there might be sub-conscious self-sabotage going on.

    Granted, it was over a decade ago when I was last on a dating site.  But, at least back then, women were bombarded with dating opportunities.  Maybe it's different now, but I doubt it.  There's no reason she couldn't have gone a few dates using a dating app, unless she didn't want to.  I think that's exactly why it made her jittery and uncomfortable.

    Another good source for "dating material" is the very family and friends she says never asks her about her love life.  Which gives me the strong impression that she has never said to them, "Hey!  I want to get into the dating scene.  Do you know any great, single guys?"

    She seems to have a self-fulfilling prophecy going on her head that "she's never had a date, she's never kissed someone, etc."  It's scary to do something different, even if that is what you want.  Therapy might help her get over those thoughts and take those first steps.

    I think one of the best things she can do is just go on a first date.  It doesn't need to be the "be all and end all" or the "start" of a relationship.  Something super casual, like meeting-up for coffee or drinks.  No expectations.  Have no cares if it leads to nothing.  But, most importantly, check off that box she has in her head and grow her dating experience from there.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The woman I know who is 32, not dating much, and always wondering why - it is perfectly clear to everyone else that she's been desperate to be married since she was 23, she is obsessed with marriage (she's a minimally successful marriage and family counselor), and comes on way, way too strong as a result.
    charlotte989875
  • The woman I know who is 32, not dating much, and always wondering why - it is perfectly clear to everyone else that she's been desperate to be married since she was 23, she is obsessed with marriage (she's a minimally successful marriage and family counselor), and comes on way, way too strong as a result.
    An intern who worked with my aunt told her she was planning her wedding.   She was single but felt threat the Lord told her to get started. 
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    banana468 said:
    The woman I know who is 32, not dating much, and always wondering why - it is perfectly clear to everyone else that she's been desperate to be married since she was 23, she is obsessed with marriage (she's a minimally successful marriage and family counselor), and comes on way, way too strong as a result.
    An intern who worked with my aunt told her she was planning her wedding.   She was single but felt threat the Lord told her to get started. 
    Right, because the Lord has always felt that the wedding was the most important part.
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 20
    Hey!  I could have written this.  I felt the same way at her age.  And dating apps are extremely overwhelming and you have to spend time weeding a lot of people out.  I’m 5’11 1/2 and I would always want someone taller than myself.  Guess what?  SO MANY men contacted me that were under 5’11.  Some men don’t care!  So I went on a few dates with shorter men. They contacted me.  They saw what my height was. They weren’t bothered by it.

    Point is, it takes time. I feel like 29 is still really young, but I get LW’s frustration. I hate that I’m single again (thanks jerky ex H) and single in my 40’s no less.  

    But also, I had no idea you were 6’1 @MyNameIsNot, let’s start a tall club.  

    short+sassycharlotte989875MyNameIsNot
  • banana468 said:
    The woman I know who is 32, not dating much, and always wondering why - it is perfectly clear to everyone else that she's been desperate to be married since she was 23, she is obsessed with marriage (she's a minimally successful marriage and family counselor), and comes on way, way too strong as a result.
    An intern who worked with my aunt told her she was planning her wedding.   She was single but felt threat the Lord told her to get started. 
    Right, because the Lord has always felt that the wedding was the most important part.
    This made me snort my seltzer water 
    charlotte989875flantastic
  • banana468 said:
    The woman I know who is 32, not dating much, and always wondering why - it is perfectly clear to everyone else that she's been desperate to be married since she was 23, she is obsessed with marriage (she's a minimally successful marriage and family counselor), and comes on way, way too strong as a result.
    An intern who worked with my aunt told her she was planning her wedding.   She was single but felt threat the Lord told her to get started. 
    Right, because the Lord has always felt that the wedding was the most important part.
    Well, it's where he turned water into wine.  He knew how to party.
    levioosamrsconn23charlotte989875flantastic
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