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It's not about the dog, it's your communication issues.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My husband’s dog is very old and has many health problems. I often have to separate him from our small children for their safety and comfort (both the kids’ and the dog’s). There might be some life-extending procedures available to him, but they’ll be very expensive and won’t do much to improve his quality of life. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, but the dog predates me. I love this dog too, but I’d rather leave the decision-making up to my husband. But I’m the one taking him to his next vet appointment later this week, and I have a feeling I already know the prognosis. I’m worried that if I even bring up euthanasia my husband will freak out or that he’ll agree to it but secretly resent me for saying it first. The last time I had to decide to put a dog down, he was mine, 14 years old, and was days away from dying of pancreatitis, so there was no question about what to do.

I’ve always believed and taught the kids that pets are forever. I feel terrible. I’ve known this dog for over a decade, I care about him, and I hate that he’s in pain. Am I selfish? The dog is miserable, but my husband says the idea of putting him down makes him physically ill. I don’t know what to do. I feel as though my husband is leaving this on me on purpose and I can’t win no matter what I do.

—Cruel to Be Kind

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Re: It's not about the dog, it's your communication issues.

  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Your husband needs to go to the vet appointment and hear what the doctor says. They are the ones that should bring up all options, not you. 

    This really sucks but it’s a sad part of life. 
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    H needs to go and step up in taking care of this dog.  I also think LW needs to tell H how difficult it is at home with the dog and kids.  He needs to step up there too, so that LW is doing all of the heavy lifting of keeping the dog and kids happy and safe.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I suspect the LW has already taken this route, but it bears repeating.  She needs to keep emphasizing to her H that it isn't about how upsetting euthanizing the dog is for him.  It's about what is best for the dog.  And, yes, if she is worried he will hold it against her, then he needs to go with her to the vet.  That way, he hears it from the vet how bad things are.

    Our precious kitten girl Nip needed to be euthanized last October.  At least we both agreed and knew euthanasia was the right choice.  But I was crazy busy and slammed at work at that time.  My H reassured me over and over again that it was okay and he would take her to the vet without me.  But I have always felt guilty I wasn't there for her final moments.  I've felt guilty for Nip and also for my H, who had to do it alone.  I know I emotionally got off easier not being there.

    So, with that said, I can understand if the LW wants to make it easier for her H by not having him there for the euthanasia itself.  But he needs to at least hear what the vet says to at least reluctantly come to the right conclusion.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    One of the things I held against exH and still do, is that I had to put down our corgi by myself, b/c he "just can't handle it."  It was so incredibly painful, even though it was the right decision.  It was also a hard appointment just b/c of how everything came about (I couldn't hold her b/c her veins were blown from cancer treatment and the vet didn't want to miss, she went so quickly that she didn't pass in my arms then, entire clinic was upset b/c we all invested in saving her, etc).  Then to come home and he meets me at the door crying?  I wanted to be mad, but was just numb from feeling like he wanted me to comfort him...when he didn't even go to hold her in her last minutes.  It's something I think is so important, even though it's painful.

    Anyway, hubby needs to go to vet appointment, period, and help with any decision that needs to be made.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    VarunaTT said:
    One of the things I held against exH and still do, is that I had to put down our corgi by myself, b/c he "just can't handle it."  It was so incredibly painful, even though it was the right decision.  It was also a hard appointment just b/c of how everything came about (I couldn't hold her b/c her veins were blown from cancer treatment and the vet didn't want to miss, she went so quickly that she didn't pass in my arms then, entire clinic was upset b/c we all invested in saving her, etc).  Then to come home and he meets me at the door crying?  I wanted to be mad, but was just numb from feeling like he wanted me to comfort him...when he didn't even go to hold her in her last minutes.  It's something I think is so important, even though it's painful.

    Anyway, hubby needs to go to vet appointment, period, and help with any decision that needs to be made.
    Wow, he really sucks @varunatt. 
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    short+sassy said:
    I suspect the LW has already taken this route, but it bears repeating.  She needs to keep emphasizing to her H that it isn't about how upsetting euthanizing the dog is for him.  It's about what is best for the dog.  And, yes, if she is worried he will hold it against her, then he needs to go with her to the vet.  That way, he hears it from the vet how bad things are.

    Our precious kitten girl Nip needed to be euthanized last October.  At least we both agreed and knew euthanasia was the right choice.  But I was crazy busy and slammed at work at that time.  My H reassured me over and over again that it was okay and he would take her to the vet without me.  But I have always felt guilty I wasn't there for her final moments.  I've felt guilty for Nip and also for my H, who had to do it alone.  I know I emotionally got off easier not being there.

    So, with that said, I can understand if the LW wants to make it easier for her H by not having him there for the euthanasia itself.  But he needs to at least hear what the vet says to at least reluctantly come to the right conclusion.
    It haunts me to be there for my pets' final moments, and I've had ones where I haven't been there and that haunts me too.  

    I think both owners need to be there.  It is a vital decision, and not one that should be all on the shoulders of just one person.  

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