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Mother of the groom help!

knottie329a322fe927285cknottie329a322fe927285c member
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in Wedding Woes
My fiancé and I just got engaged a couple weeks ago. We had talked about doing a small, intimate covid wedding. We found the most perfect venue (my dream venue I’ve had my eyes on for 5+ years) which are offering special rates/contracts for 2020 and had some openings. We reserved a date in December, since we don’t want to put our lives on hold and have no idea when coronavirus will be over. We live in LA. His family lives on the east coast. His mother and sisters do not want to fly in the middle of flu season with threat of COVID. I get that. We came up with a compromise to have multiple weddings. A west coast wedding, an east coast wedding and an elopement prior without family so no family got upset the day was missed. We were still planning on doing a ceremony with vows, my dad walking down the aisle, a catholic blessing for his mother, etc. at each one. His mother is making a stink and she states she will not allow a wedding without her there. Even though we are coming to her! I thought maybe it’s about being first, so we brought that option to her. It seems to be (without her saying it) that she does not want to miss the one at our venue because it’s beautiful. My fiancé is on her side and not budging! If I could, I would move the wedding back to have everyone there (within reason, as we still do t know how long this will be). After 2020, the rates go up to 150 p minimum at 175/head turning a 10k wedding into 27k wedding minimum, and there are no available dates until December 18 2021. Please help!!! What do I do???
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Re: Mother of the groom help!

  • knottie329a322fe927285cknottie329a322fe927285c member
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    I never once made them travel. As stated above, I get it that they don’t want to which is why We were traveling to them. Bringing a whole wedding and ceremony
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    I think the issue here is that you're making plans without asking the VIPs how they feel and now they're telling you good logistical reasons why they won't work.

    Have you also looked into the requirements for a Catholic Convalidation and how that works with your plans?  I married pre Covid but what you propose would have required a lot of coordination and approval to work.   

    If I were you I'd figure out how to change things because I'm guessing you also won't have the attendance you're predicting.


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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
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    I guess I just don't understand what the issue is, and I am not sure you do either. Is she upset she is missing your actual wedding (the elopement), that she won't see your pretty venue, or that she isn't first?? Also, it doesn't really seem that you are that concerned about making her feel better or you would have had a conversation about the situation with her instead of planning a bunch of events, none of which solve your/her issues. Where is your FI in all of this? Your breif mention doesn't sound like they are 100% on board either.

    From here it seems like you prioritized your beautiful venue vision over including your FI's family (again, not sure if your FI agreed to this or not). If this is not true, please explain.
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    edited September 2020
      banana468 said:
    I think the issue here is that you're making plans without asking the VIPs how they feel and now they're telling you good logistical reasons why they won't work.

    Have you also looked into the requirements for a Catholic Convalidation and how that works with your plans?  I married pre Covid but what you propose would have required a lot of coordination and approval to work.   

    If I were you I'd figure out how to change things because I'm guessing you also won't have the attendance you're predicting.


    As Banana mentioned...  The "Catholic Blessing" part - you may want to look into that more because a prayer is unnecessary and almost insulting if you're not having a Catholic Wedding/practicing the Catholic faith yourselves nor Convalidation.  If you're having your marriage outside of the church yet blessed by the Catholic Church (Convalidation), you need to find out what your particular diocese you plan to have that done requires which usually involves meeting with a parish priest and quite a bit of paperwork though with Covid this year some Diocese have streamlined it because some places do not allow more than 10 people inside of the church at a time.  Thus, the sooner you make the contacts if that is your intention, the better, as many churches this process is a full year!

    As others have mentioned, you're making plans without talking to your VIP's for their opinion and input and essentially dictating a rock and hard place for them right now, and there-in lies the problem, full stop.  Add to that, as others mentioned, you only get one wedding, the rest are reenactments and not the real deal.   You already booked a venue, either you cancel because your VIP's won't attend or you stick with Bridal Blinders as the venue/date is a "Hill to Die On".  Your $10k is going to turn into well over $30k  in a flash if you do the elopement and reenactments!  

    As for December 2021...  12-12-21 or 12-21-21 are "fun" dates and easy to remember!  BUT - you really need to talk to your VIP's first!!!
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    If your FI wanted to get married without his mother there, I would say that he tell her she's not invited and to get over it. But it doesn't sound like that's even remotely what your FI wants.

    You can go east and throw a party there, but it won't be a wedding and it won't solve the fact that MOG won't be at the actual wedding. It's time for you to sit down with your FI and make some compromises on what you both want. This is his wedding every bit as much as it is yours. You don't get to tell him that he can't have his mother because you want a discount on a pretty venue. That's just cruel. 

    Future parties won't be weddings, and they won't really make anyone happy about missing the wedding. If the cost of the venue in 2021 is an issue, spend the money you would have spent on touring vow renewals on the venue. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    From your post, the most important fact to me is that your FI does not agree with you.  He wants his mother at his wedding...not the "show" reenactment later...but the real wedding.  Even if that means you all have to give up your dream venue or that it costs a lot more.  And I can't really blame him.  No amount of savings in the world would make up for my mom not being able to come to my wedding.

    I think some of the disagreement is you are seeing the two events as being equal.  They are not.  It's not the tux/white dress and big cake and party that make it a wedding.  It's the ceremony where you and your FI become husband and wife and start your marriage that is the most important thing.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    If the only reason you want a "Catholic Blessing" is to make your FI's mother happy and don't intend to practice as Catholics, then it wouldn't be appropriate and your FI needs to hold his ground with his mother.

    That said, it sounds to me like your FI wants his mother to be at the actual wedding (the "elopement") and not at any of the later events which are re-enactments. None of them is the actual wedding. And to be honest, I can understand that. You're making a lot of plans that involve other people without first checking to see if the plans are even possible, let alone practical, for them, not to mention excluding them from the main event and expecting them to be okay with that.

    So you need to get on the same page, first with your FI, then his mother, then the other VIPs. I would cancel all the plans, including the elopement, go back to the drawing board and start over. Yes, it's hard to do that in view of Covid-19, but I think that ultimately it's your best course of action.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    VarunaTT said:
    People have given you a lot of great advice.  I'm just going to cut straight across all of that to tell you people are more important than venues and you should get a grip about that. 
    THIS.


    The wedding industry has us believing that we need a "look" to make the day complete. 
    You need PEOPLE.    Obviously you'll need some food and beverages too but dwelling on appearances is something that you have to let go.    I really wanted a waterfront wedding and we considered for all of 5 minutes before we saw it was a logistical nightmare.  Now 13+ years later I am THRILLED with the memories we have.   DH and I have a signature mat that our guests signed.   In that decade plus, several guests have passed but we have their signatures and well wishes from that day hanging on our wall. 
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  • knottiec511721f0f7c1565knottiec511721f0f7c1565 newb
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    edited September 2020
    Removed for TOS Violation
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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
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    knottiec511721f0f7c1565 said:
    Fuck u your fiances a turd. He's lying to your dumb ass
    Whoa! Do you know OP personally? Or is this just for fun?
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    missJeanLouise said:
    knottiec511721f0f7c1565 said:
    Fuck u your fiances a turd. He's lying to your dumb ass
    Whoa! Do you know OP personally? Or is this just for fun?
    We've got a live one.  LOL 
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    knottiec511721f0f7c1565 said:
    Fuck u your fiances a turd. He's lying to your dumb ass
    Whew.  Joined yesterday and has one reply?  Someone's got some drama!!!
    �
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    VarunaTT said:
    knottiec511721f0f7c1565 said:
    Fuck u your fiances a turd. He's lying to your dumb ass
    Whew.  Joined yesterday and has one reply?  Someone's got some drama!!!
    I really want to know what this is all about. 
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