Anna is not owed anything

short+sassy · October 2020

“Anna” was my best friend for years until she started trying to get pregnant and couldn’t. I tried to be supportive, but when I had my baby, Anna couldn’t deal with it. She pulled away during my pregnancy and stopped talking to me altogether. It hurt a lot, especially because we used to talk nearly every day. Everyone kept telling me to give Anna time, but she never responded to any of my occasional attempts to reconnect. Birthday cards, texts, and even Facebook messages went unanswered. I mourned and moved on.

My daughter is 4 now, and I am pregnant again. Recently Anna has tried to reconnect. I didn’t know how to respond, but Anna then persuaded my mother to pressure me to “open up.” Apparently Anna kept talking about how much she missed me and her “niece.” Anna has never met my daughter. Once I would have happily given my right arm for Anna to be my child’s “auntie” and for them to have a relationship. Now, I’m angry that Anna feels she has a right to that term. I don’t want to open my heart up to a repeat of the past. No one knows I am pregnant again. I hope she finds happiness in her life, but I don’t need her in mine. Do I owe Anna a conversation? A goodbye? Or should I just not respond to her overtures?

banana468 · October 2020

If she's pestering people then I'd probably tell Anna once that what SHE did was really hurtful.

LW seems to be really hurt to the point that the friendship is over. IMO she should say, "Anna, I truly valued our friendship but your actions really hurt me at a time that I was also going through a major life change. I understand that you want to reactivate the friendship but I find myself puzzled that you are thinking my child has a familial relationship to you when you know nearly nothing about her."

Sure you can ignore her but is it the best to do what she did to you?

flantastic · October 2020

I think it's a great opportunity to clue her in, especially because she might keep bothering your mom or you. "Anna, I respect that you needed space because of your own grief, but you can't make a point of avoiding my kid for years and then feel entitled to a relationship with her or me. You pulling away really hurt me, and I'm not sure I'm ready to be friends again."

short+sassy · October 2020

I don't think the LW has any obligation to get in touch with Anna. At the same time, it would be a kindness not to ignore Anna and tell her she is not interested in resuming their friendship.

Granted, a kindness that Anna did not extend to her. But I'm a big believer in living up to and treating people to my own standards, no matter how terribly they may have treated me.

charlotte989875 · October 2020

You don’t owe her anything & how she treated you must have hurt. But sounds like she was hurting a lot herself and didn’t handle it well. It sucks but that is how it goes sometimes. Decide if you want to reconnect with her, or not. If you don’t you can just move on.

MissKittyDanger · October 2020

I personally think this deserves a conversation. Owes? No.
Maybe "Anna" had other issues also and is now dealing and wants to apologize?

They could also be using "niece" as a ploy to tug at heart strings.

LW needs to tell "Anna" they cannot use that term on a child they've never met. Maybe a fb or text chat first to test waters, and debate from there if worth seeing them in person.

banana468 · October 2020

MissKittyDanger said:

I personally think this deserves a conversation. Owes? No.
Maybe "Anna" had other issues also and is now dealing and wants to apologize?

They could also be using "niece" as a ploy to tug at heart strings.

LW needs to tell "Anna" they cannot use that term on a child they've never met. Maybe a fb or text chat first to test waters, and debate from there if worth seeing them in person.

Also agreed. Stress from infertility can be as high for some as the stress of a cancer diagnosis. It isn't something to belittle.

MyNameIsNot · October 2020

Anna isn't owed anything, but once she started calling LW's mom, a response is probably wise. If I had any inclination to test the waters for some sort of friendship, calling my mom would kill it. I would respond just to tell her to back off.

short+sassy · October 2020

MissKittyDanger said:

I personally think this deserves a conversation. Owes? No.
Maybe "Anna" had other issues also and is now dealing and wants to apologize?

They could also be using "niece" as a ploy to tug at heart strings.

LW needs to tell "Anna" they cannot use that term on a child they've never met. Maybe a fb or text chat first to test waters, and debate from there if worth seeing them in person.

This would just grind my gears more and it seems like that is also how the LW feels.

As in, Anna doesn't get to effectively end the friendship. Ignore years of the LW trying to reach out. Have never met this child. Yet call her "my niece".

I would have been understanding of Anna needing to back away during the pregnancy. Maybe even for months after the birth. And it sounds like the LW was very understanding about that also. A key point is she said she sent birthday card-sssss. With an "s". As in, she kept reaching out for at least two years with no response back. As devastating as infertility issues can be, that's not an excuse and it's not okay to ghost a close friend for that long.

banana468 · October 2020

short+sassy said:

MissKittyDanger said:

I personally think this deserves a conversation. Owes? No.
Maybe "Anna" had other issues also and is now dealing and wants to apologize?

They could also be using "niece" as a ploy to tug at heart strings.

LW needs to tell "Anna" they cannot use that term on a child they've never met. Maybe a fb or text chat first to test waters, and debate from there if worth seeing them in person.

This would just grind my gears more and it seems like that is also how the LW feels.

As in, Anna doesn't get to effectively end the friendship. Ignore years of the LW trying to reach out. Have never met this child. Yet call her "my niece".

I would have been understanding of Anna needing to back away during the pregnancy. Maybe even for months after the birth. And it sounds like the LW was very understanding about that also. A key point is she said she sent birthday card-sssss. With an "s". As in, she kept reaching out for at least two years with no response back. As devastating as infertility issues can be, that's not an excuse and it's not okay to ghost a close friend for that long.

Also completely agree. You can be stressed but you need to own up to an internal struggle like a grown up and not with that ploy.

A former friend posted a FB tirade years ago saying, "I would have been in weddings of all of these friends but I was a jerk to these people." I was one of the brides in that group and rolled my eyes at the concept. We still keep in touch but I am not going to make an active push to include her.

MissKittyDanger · October 2020

Is it weird to have a terrible feeling when you stop talking to someone, you know if they end up back in your life they will just jump to calling your kid their "niece" as if the past meant nothing?

I feel for LW here

downtondiva · October 2020

I get why Anna would've pulled back a little bit once you were pregnant, but she took it way too far, and I think she has a lot of nerve calling your daughter her "niece" and trying to get your mom involved after ignoring you for years. I also notice you don't say anything suggesting that she has apologized for ditching you. You don't owe her your friendship now after she took hers away so suddenly and for such a long time.

You don't have to respond to her, but I think it might be helpful (for you, if nothing else) to tell her that she really hurt you a few years ago and you're not interested in being friends again.

Anna is not owed anything

Re: Anna is not owed anything

Choose Another Board

Search Boards