Dear Prudence,
My father is a charming, charismatic, wealthy man who abandoned me and my mother, never paid child support, never showed up for birthdays, and let me live with my mom’s abusive relatives after she died rather than taking me in. He did the same to my half-brother, who hasn’t spoken to our father in decades. I was estranged from my father for decades too, but several years ago decided to forgive and just enjoy my father for who he is, because I do love him.
My car is breaking down, and I can’t easily afford to fix it or get another one, although I work hard in a difficult job. I told my father, who didn’t offer any assistance. That’s fine, but after asking what car I would wish for, he went and bought it for his wife (who can’t even drive it), and sent pictures of it to me. I’m supposed to show enthusiasm while I feel my heart breaking.
Recently I learned about colorblind correction glasses. My dad is colorblind. I watched emotional videos of families presenting such glasses to their colorblind loved ones. I was swept up in loving feelings and asked my dad to take the online test and choose a pair and I would buy them. I told him all I wanted in return was for him to send me a video of him putting them on and seeing color for the first time. He picked the most expensive pair, which I hadn’t budgeted for (I ended up charging them). When they arrived, he sent a text saying they were amazing and that he would call later. He didn’t call, and no video. This is classic Dad. I’m angry at myself for putting myself at financial and emotional risk to show love to this man who does virtually nothing for me. I don’t expect him to wake up and be a different person, but how can I change? I’m 50 and still a little girl trying to get my dad to love me back, and it’s pointless!
—Still a Deadbeat