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There is no 'right' here, you should be looking for a compromise.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,

I have a flexible-enough schedule to oversee my 5-year-old’s virtual kindergarten in the morning, and we’re blessed to have day care coverage in the afternoon. So now my workday begins at lunch and lasts until 3 a.m., with a break to make dinner and supervise bedtime. I think it’s worth it: You put the kid first. My spouse, who has a 9-to-5, disagrees and wants to pull our kid from school, the assertion being I “can’t keep this up.” Our kid is very happy with the current schedule and loves both day care and online kindergarten. Who’s right?

—Necessary Sacrifice?
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Re: There is no 'right' here, you should be looking for a compromise.

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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    What is the spouse's offer for occupying the kid's time?   Just start K next year? 
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited October 2020
    I can't imagine how disruptive this schedule is to LW's H.  When DH worked 3rd, it was the hardest time when the kids and I were on a standard schedule.  But with DH not here, I was staying up until all hours of the night, DH would come home from work and then stay up because he wanted to spend time with me.  We were sleep and quality time deprived.  

    And LW is doing it for...what?  I bet LW's kid doesn't care that much about virtual school and/or there are other ways to do all this.  

    The 'you put the kid first' is extremely telling to me.  Sure your kid is happy, but what about your husband? Does his happiness matter?  Does yours?

    ETA: I cannot make the time math work here.  There's no reason, even starting at lunch (12p-1p in my world) with a generous break for dinner and bed time, that LW should be working until 3am.   10pm-midnight I could see, but not 3am. 
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    banana468banana468 member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    I can't imagine how disruptive this schedule is to LW's H.  When DH worked 3rd, it was the hardest time when the kids and I were on a standard schedule.  But with DH not here, I was staying up until all hours of the night, DH would come home from work and then stay up because he wanted to spend time with me.  We were sleep and quality time deprived.  

    And LW is doing it for...what?  I bet LW's kid doesn't care that much about virtual school and/or there are other ways to do all this.  

    The 'you put the kid first' is extremely telling to me.  Sure your kid is happy, but what about your husband? Does his happiness matter?  Does yours? 
    Also agreed. There's so much left out of this too.   What goes on before dinner?  Do they have time for each other?  That's A LOT for 9 mo when the option could be to start K in a year.   Or maybe look for other options?? 
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Why does the LW work 13 hour days? Also you’re sleeping what? From 3:30 to 7? 8? The H is right that’s not sustainable. If you have childcare in the afternoon why can’t school happen then? Or if it’s only in the morning can childcare supervise school?

    You can’t be all things to everyone and your partner is saying this doesn’t work for them. It’s time to find another solution. 
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited October 2020
    Yeah, there's no way LW is getting off work at 3am and just going straight to bed.  And if they're doing a morning school shift, they'd have to be up by 9 at the latest (and I'm thinking earlier than that).  Even if LW is resting on and off when the kid doesn't need them to monitor the school zoom or whatever, it's not enough.  

    And I'm still stuck on the 'kid first' attitude.  Little kids actually need very little to be content/happy.  You need to provide their basic needs, love them, engage with them, allow them to explore their interests, and discipline (no, not punishment...but rules and guidelines with consequences).  They also need to know their place.  If you teach them early that they and their happiness comes first, good luck later on. 
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    banana468banana468 member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    Yeah, there's no way LW is getting off work at 3am and just going straight to bed.  And if they're doing a morning school shift, they'd have to be up by 9 at the latest (and I'm thinking earlier than that).  Even if LW is resting on and off when the kid doesn't need them to monitor the school zoom or whatever, it's not enough.  

    And I'm still stuck on the 'kid first' attitude.  Little kids actually need very little to be content/happy.  You need to provide their basic needs, love them, engage with them, allow them to explore their interests, and discipline.  They also need to know their place.  If you teach them early that they and their happiness comes first, good luck later on. 
    I'm a big proponent that the kid's NEEDS come first.   But their marriage needs to come right after that.   And there have to be other options in this to meet the needs of the kid and the marriage up to and including a delay of K. 
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    banana468 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    Yeah, there's no way LW is getting off work at 3am and just going straight to bed.  And if they're doing a morning school shift, they'd have to be up by 9 at the latest (and I'm thinking earlier than that).  Even if LW is resting on and off when the kid doesn't need them to monitor the school zoom or whatever, it's not enough.  

    And I'm still stuck on the 'kid first' attitude.  Little kids actually need very little to be content/happy.  You need to provide their basic needs, love them, engage with them, allow them to explore their interests, and discipline.  They also need to know their place.  If you teach them early that they and their happiness comes first, good luck later on. 
    I'm a big proponent that the kid's NEEDS come first.   But their marriage needs to come right after that.   And there have to be other options in this to meet the needs of the kid and the marriage up to and including a delay of K. 
    Exactly.  It's just not the messaging we get about parenting today and I hate to see it internalized.  It's so detrimental to the entire family when the life is centered around the kid(s). I truly wonder about those marriages and if they make it until the kids are grown, what happens in a post-daily parenting life? 
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    It's interesting that so many assume LW is a woman and the spouse is a husband. 

    It does seem that LW is more fixated on who is right versus how to make the best compromise in a difficult situation. I'll give LW the benefit of the doubt and assume that between lunch, taking the kid to daycare and dinner/bedtime, it's not necessarily an outrageously long workday. It seems like there's a solution here somewhere between pulling the kid out of kindergarten and LW spending all their time off work doing stuff for the kid. 
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    CasadenaCasadena member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Why isn't H doing dinner and bedtime if LW is doing morning school and he works 9-5?  Seems like that would solve a lot of this problem for everyone.
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    Jstump2Jstump2 member
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    I was going to say the same thing! I have a coworker with a SO like this, dude doesn't lift a finger and she can't figure out why she's so stressed out all the time.
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    Maybe H is doing the dinner and bedtime, but LW is taking an extended break then to have family time.  I still don't see how LW would need to be up until 3am working.  If they work from 12-5, break from 5-8, they should only truly have to work until 11 or 12. Time math is still not working for me.  
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    CasadenaCasadena member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    She says specifically "make dinner" and "supervise bedtime".  But I agree with you 100% that even if she's doing this, she shouldn't need to be up until 3am every night.  
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    Nope I’d hate this. Completely unnecessary martyrdom. 
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    kerbohlkerbohl member
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    MyNameIsNot said:
    It's interesting that so many assume LW is a woman and the spouse is a husband. 

    It does seem that LW is more fixated on who is right versus how to make the best compromise in a difficult situation. I'll give LW the benefit of the doubt and assume that between lunch, taking the kid to daycare and dinner/bedtime, it's not necessarily an outrageously long workday. It seems like there's a solution here somewhere between pulling the kid out of kindergarten and LW spending all their time off work doing stuff for the kid. 
    It's funny, but I read it as the opposite.  I don't know why.

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