Just ask if he's invited.

mrsconn23 · November 2020

Dear Prudence,

Is it rude to invite your partner to events you were invited to as an individual? I’ve had this issue a few times with my closest friends. We all met in the same teaching program, and while I was a lot closer with them than my boyfriend was, we all had classes together and often went to the same parties (he was invited along with me). We graduated a year and a half ago, and since then, they often invite just me and not him. They seem to get along fine, so I’m not sure what’s going on. I wonder if it’s because he’s slightly conservative, while the rest of us are pretty far to the left. But he never brings up politics, and they’d only know his leanings from our discussions in grad school classes, so it wouldn’t be a new dynamic.

In the past I’ve asked if he can come too, and they always say yes. I wonder if this is rude, but I also feel like it’s a little rude of them not to invite him, since we live together and it makes things awkward for me, and I don’t want his feelings to be hurt when he isn’t invited. Recently one of my friends invited me to a socially distanced party in a park. It will be my first time seeing them in person since March, so I’m really excited, but I was sad that my boyfriend wasn’t invited.

—Rudeness or Rescue?

Casadena · November 2020

I think it's rude to ask to invite your boyfriend if the organizer didn't invite him. It's good to have relationships the are close outside of your partner. If you want to hang out with your friends and your boyfriend, you can invite them over, or organize the get together. They clearly are not as close with him as they are you and it's totally normal to want to spend time with you alone.

MissKittyDanger · November 2020

Definitely ask. Since you are together it might be assumed he would go but always ask.
If you don't ask or they don't state, there is confusion {or people pissy ...}

mrsconn23 · November 2020

I don't think I understand these group dynamics enough to get what the hell is going on when these invites are made. It sounds like they were all friends in grad school, BF included. Maybe they assume LW and BF are a package deal?

IF LW is a woman and this is a group of other female identifying people, then are they bringing their partners?

IDK. I still think, depending on the event, that asking if LW's partner is invited isn't the worst thing ever. I also don't think they're doing anything wrong inviting only LW.

short+sassy · November 2020

I feel like it depends on the context and the size of the gathering. For example (non-pandemic times), if there is a party being thrown, I think asking if the b/f can come is perfectly fine. And probably a bit rude the host didn't already invite them both.

But if a friend asks the LW out for drinks/lunch/coffee/whatever and it is going to be just the two of them or just a few friends, then it would be weird to ask if they b/f could come.

Another benchmark would be are anyone else's SOs invited? If not, it's a little weird. If so, it's not.

I'm assuming the socially distanced party in the park isn't going to be that many people. While it's entirely possible the host may not mind, I don't think the LW should ask. But this might be a good cue to throw their own picnic outing for a few friends on a different weekend. It would get both the LW and their b/f out of the house and some safe socializing.

ILoveBeachMusic · November 2020

short+sassy said:

I feel like it depends on the context and the size of the gathering. For example (non-pandemic times), if there is a party being thrown, I think asking if the b/f can come is perfectly fine. And probably a bit rude the host didn't already invite them both.

But if a friend asks the LW out for drinks/lunch/coffee/whatever and it is going to be just the two of them or just a few friends, then it would be weird to ask if they b/f could come.

Another benchmark would be are anyone else's SOs invited? If not, it's a little weird. If so, it's not.

I'm assuming the socially distanced party in the park isn't going to be that many people. While it's entirely possible the host may not mind, I don't think the LW should ask. But this might be a good cue to throw their own picnic outing for a few friends on a different weekend. It would get both the LW and their b/f out of the house and some safe socializing.

I agree with this - it depends on the circumstances. If it is a party or gathering where other SO's are invited, I would ask. If it is a group of ladies night out or guys night out, then no don't ask.

MissKittyDanger · November 2020

short+sassy said:

I feel like it depends on the context and the size of the gathering. For example (non-pandemic times), if there is a party being thrown, I think asking if the b/f can come is perfectly fine. And probably a bit rude the host didn't already invite them both.

But if a friend asks the LW out for drinks/lunch/coffee/whatever and it is going to be just the two of them or just a few friends, then it would be weird to ask if they b/f could come.

Another benchmark would be are anyone else's SOs invited? If not, it's a little weird. If so, it's not.

So awhile ago M wanted to start doing a guys night because a buddy of his was relatively newly single. I didn't care, but he would take initiative and say "hey let's have a guys night to be together for G"
Idgaf because it usually went late BUT former friend of mine would LITERALLY THROW A BITCH FIT because her bf was invited and not her.
She said one time to M "Oh you can't just do guys nights, it's not fair" and M looked at her and said "look, G is not exactly in a great place. Figured guys night SOMETIMES would be nice. FOR HIM"

But she was already on her high horse and he was trying to EXCLUDE her .... good lord. We were great friends but looking back on that shit she pulled, I'm glad we don't talk.

short+sassy · November 2020

MissKittyDanger said:

short+sassy said:

I feel like it depends on the context and the size of the gathering. For example (non-pandemic times), if there is a party being thrown, I think asking if the b/f can come is perfectly fine. And probably a bit rude the host didn't already invite them both.

But if a friend asks the LW out for drinks/lunch/coffee/whatever and it is going to be just the two of them or just a few friends, then it would be weird to ask if they b/f could come.

Another benchmark would be are anyone else's SOs invited? If not, it's a little weird. If so, it's not.

So awhile ago M wanted to start doing a guys night because a buddy of his was relatively newly single. I didn't care, but he would take initiative and say "hey let's have a guys night to be together for G"
Idgaf because it usually went late BUT former friend of mine would LITERALLY THROW A BITCH FIT because her bf was invited and not her.
She said one time to M "Oh you can't just do guys nights, it's not fair" and M looked at her and said "look, G is not exactly in a great place. Figured guys night SOMETIMES would be nice. FOR HIM"

But she was already on her high horse and he was trying to EXCLUDE her .... good lord. We were great friends but looking back on that shit she pulled, I'm glad we don't talk.

Yes! I had an ex-b/f in college who was so weirdly jealous. He even admitted I didn't do anything to make him jealous, he just was.

We dated for the last 18 months I was at community college and it was okay, because I lived nearby and we rarely did things separately.

But when I moved 45 minutes away to go to my 4-year college, his jealousy went off the rails and started seriously hampering my social life. He insisted he come with me to all parties. Which was fine because they were usually "everyone show up at X" and didn't have invitations. But then he'd go pout in a corner because he didn't want to be there and start bugging me 60-90 minutes in, about leaving.

However, I was also in a sorority and we had a mixer with one of the fraternities. He wanted to come and I was like, "Dude, that's not how it works. The only people invited are members of those two groups." I told him it also wasn't a hook-up thing at all and was being held in the early evening, with no alcohol, in the college's own cafeteria. I also told him that when the 2-hour event ended, we'd probably all go out to a bar and he was more than welcome to join me for that.

But no, that wasn't good enough. He gave me an ultimatum that, if he couldn't go, I couldn't go. And if I went anyway, he'd break up with me. That guy sure loved his ultimatums, smh. I didn't go.

Then there was going to be a sorority slumber party one weekend, after rush was over. He forbade me from going because I already didn't "spend enough time with him". Ultimatum time again. I'm crying over the phone with him that it was really important to me and it was a mandatory event. We end the call with me telling him that I potentially won't go, but I need to call the Rush Head first and make sure it isn't going to cause me problems. He doesn't say a word and let me do that. I call him back that she said it was okay, so I wouldn't go. He actually says to me, "Thanks. That's all right. You can go." WTF?!? He goes on to tell me that he just wanted to know I would give up the party for him, but it was fine if I went. Y'all, it was almost like I physically felt any last shred of love I had for him disappear. But I wasn't quite ready to break up yet.

The next incident was a female friend of mine had gotten some really bad news and asked if I would spend the evening with her going out to dinner and some bars. Just us. I tell my b/f about my plans and he says he needs to go with me. I'm completely shocked. On what planet does he think this is appropriate. His retort was he can't have me going to bars without him. And another ultimatum.

Ha! He finally overplayed his hand. Before when he would give me the "break up" ultimatum, I'd be swept with feelings of sadness and panic so I gave in when I shouldn't have. However, this time the feeling that swept over me was different. I was surprised to feel nothing but relief. I told him something like, "I'm sorry you feel that comforting my friend is grounds for breaking up with me. But if that is how you feel, then do it. Because you're being ridiculous and totally unfair and I'm going out with my friend, without you." Now he starts backpedaling and doesn't want to break up, smh. I broke up with him, the next time we were in person. I just couldn't keep having these same arguments.

Casadena · November 2020

i agree about parties or bigger events it's fine to ask. But it's seriously weird if the girls are asking to get together for drinks or coffee or brunch or whatever for LW to be all like "omg, can my boyfriend come"?? That seems very odd and immature to me.

ETA: your friends know your boyfriend - if they wanted to hang out with him they'd invite him. It seems intentional to me.

MissKittyDanger · November 2020

short+sassy said:

MissKittyDanger said:

short+sassy said:

I feel like it depends on the context and the size of the gathering. For example (non-pandemic times), if there is a party being thrown, I think asking if the b/f can come is perfectly fine. And probably a bit rude the host didn't already invite them both.

But if a friend asks the LW out for drinks/lunch/coffee/whatever and it is going to be just the two of them or just a few friends, then it would be weird to ask if they b/f could come.

Another benchmark would be are anyone else's SOs invited? If not, it's a little weird. If so, it's not.

So awhile ago M wanted to start doing a guys night because a buddy of his was relatively newly single. I didn't care, but he would take initiative and say "hey let's have a guys night to be together for G"
Idgaf because it usually went late BUT former friend of mine would LITERALLY THROW A BITCH FIT because her bf was invited and not her.
She said one time to M "Oh you can't just do guys nights, it's not fair" and M looked at her and said "look, G is not exactly in a great place. Figured guys night SOMETIMES would be nice. FOR HIM"

But she was already on her high horse and he was trying to EXCLUDE her .... good lord. We were great friends but looking back on that shit she pulled, I'm glad we don't talk.

Yes! I had an ex-b/f in college who was so weirdly jealous. He even admitted I didn't do anything to make him jealous, he just was.

We dated for the last 18 months I was at community college and it was okay, because I lived nearby and we rarely did things separately.

But when I moved 45 minutes away to go to my 4-year college, his jealousy went off the rails and started seriously hampering my social life. He insisted he come with me to all parties. Which was fine because they were usually "everyone show up at X" and didn't have invitations. But then he'd go pout in a corner because he didn't want to be there and start bugging me 60-90 minutes in, about leaving.

However, I was also in a sorority and we had a mixer with one of the fraternities. He wanted to come and I was like, "Dude, that's not how it works. The only people invited are members of those two groups." I told him it also wasn't a hook-up thing at all and was being held in the early evening, with no alcohol, in the college's own cafeteria. I also told him that when the 2-hour event ended, we'd probably all go out to a bar and he was more than welcome to join me for that.

But no, that wasn't good enough. He gave me an ultimatum that, if he couldn't go, I couldn't go. And if I went anyway, he'd break up with me. That guy sure loved his ultimatums, smh. I didn't go.

Then there was going to be a sorority slumber party one weekend, after rush was over. He forbade me from going because I already didn't "spend enough time with him". Ultimatum time again. I'm crying over the phone with him that it was really important to me and it was a mandatory event. We end the call with me telling him that I potentially won't go, but I need to call the Rush Head first and make sure it isn't going to cause me problems. He doesn't say a word and let me do that. I call him back that she said it was okay, so I wouldn't go. He actually says to me, "Thanks. That's all right. You can go." WTF?!? He goes on to tell me that he just wanted to know I would give up the party for him, but it was fine if I went. Y'all, it was almost like I physically felt any last shred of love I had for him disappear. But I wasn't quite ready to break up yet.

The next incident was a female friend of mine had gotten some really bad news and asked if I would spend the evening with her going out to dinner and some bars. Just us. I tell my b/f about my plans and he says he needs to go with me. I'm completely shocked. On what planet does he think this is appropriate. His retort was he can't have me going to bars without him. And another ultimatum.

Ha! He finally overplayed his hand. Before when he would give me the "break up" ultimatum, I'd be swept with feelings of sadness and panic so I gave in when I shouldn't have. However, this time the feeling that swept over me was different. I was surprised to feel nothing but relief. I told him something like, "I'm sorry you feel that comforting my friend is grounds for breaking up with me. But if that is how you feel, then do it. Because you're being ridiculous and totally unfair and I'm going out with my friend, without you." Now he starts backpedaling and doesn't want to break up, smh. I broke up with him, the next time we were in person. I just couldn't keep having these same arguments.

I love when dudes play a big game and suddenly cannot cope when other person pulls trigger for them!

Dude was toxic, so glad you didn't stick around with him $:\$

MyNameIsNot · November 2020

Casadena said:

i agree about parties or bigger events it's fine to ask. But it's seriously weird if the girls are asking to get together for drinks or coffee or brunch or whatever for LW to be all like "omg, can my boyfriend come"?? That seems very odd and immature to me.

ETA: your friends know your boyfriend - if they wanted to hang out with him they'd invite him. It seems intentional to me.

This is where I am. I'm getting the vibe that they don't particularly like him, but LW is wedging him in.

Just ask if he's invited.

Re: Just ask if he's invited.

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