Brother new GF wanting an invite to wedding

Re: Brother new GF wanting an invite to wedding

• missJeanLouise member

  

  January 2021

  knottiefc231630cd313fc8 said:

  Hi everyone! I’m brand new to the site and loving all the amazing support and advice in this community
  
  id really appreciate some help if anyone can give their input to help me navigate a tricky situation. My brother is separated from his wife and has been for 3 years. Although they have separated I am still very close to his wife and their 2 teenage kids. My brother has never moved forward with the divorce which makes family get togethers very awkward, as she is still very much part of our family after 20 years of marriage. 

  
  

  The situation is my brother has a new girlfriend they’ve been together about 3 months and he’s smitten. Our wedding is coming up end of March and we’ve had to downsize drastically. My fiancé and I are each inviting 15 people and mostly family. When my brother asked the other day if his new GF could come to the wedding I said no because we just don’t have the space with numbers, most of my fiancé’s family who he’s very close to are not invited due to restrictions on guest numbers. The other reason I don’t want the GF invited is that it could upset my sister in law a lot and then her kids will be upset and my parents. I just don’t want any drama on our wedding day. My brother said he understood but called my parents very upset and angry because his new GF is not invited and he think his wife shouldn’t be invited. His wife is a bridesmaid and his kids are also involved in the ceremony. I can’t imagine their mom not being at our wedding.
  
  It looks like he is now threatening not to come to my wedding unless his GF can be there and I’m really stumped. I find this really hard to understand and my fiancé is feeling really fed up with my brothers selfishness.
  
  can anyone help me with this - am I being unreasonable in any way, am I missing anything important here? Or are we making a good call to stand by our decision that his wife being such a good friend to me and family, should be prioritized over his new GF. My brother seems to think my loyalty to him should come first but I hardly even know his GF we’ve met 3 times before.
  
  Thanks so much for any help with this!

  Etiquette says anyone in a relationship should be invited with their Significant Other, regardless of time together. I think this is going to come down to who is going to be the bigger person. If it were me, I would give ex-SIL a heads up about the new GF and invite her. It might be that your brother just doesn't want to be around his ex without a buffer, and I understand that.

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• short+sassy member

  

  January 2021

  While I understand why you don't like it, it is very rude to invite someone to a wedding and not invite their SO.  And it is their definition of a SO, not yours.  This is your brother and it could cause hard feelings for years to come, even if the current g/f becomes a long gone memory.  He isn't being selfish.  He is hurt that you want him to attend the wedding that is celebrating the love between yourself and your FI, while you all are not even inviting his own SO.
  
  You need to make space to include her on his invitation and that goes for anyone else who might have a SO, at the time that invitations go out.
  
  However, your brother does not get to dictate the other people you invite.  That includes his ex-wife.  She has already been invited by the fact that she is in your WP. and it would be extremely rude to disinvite her anyway.

  

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  January 2021

  Does the saying "Darned if you do and darned if you don't" come to mind?  
  
  In the technicality of etiquette yes, the GF should be invited even though he needs to poop or get off the pot when it comes to the divorce because this isn't a multiple wives situation..  In the realities of covid restrictions on event sizes, it's not possible to accommodate everyone in a "bigger person" or "etiquette" style, and the unfortunate reality is that's what you're dealing with and have to go with, if you don't have the available size/space, you just don't have it, and with numbers that small, if anyone cancels out, then work her in, and tell the brother that's how it's got to be because of the covid restrictions on the event size.  

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• banana468 member

  

  January 2021

  Your brother has a right to be irritated.  
  
  This sounds like they've both moved on or at least, the lack of divorce is a legal issue / and not a situation where there's bad blood already.
  
  Your brother's in a relationship.  She should be invited.  I get it.  Divorce is ugly and you're still close with your SIL.  That's great.  But this is a major snub to your brother.  If he and the GF get married and your H wasn't invited, how would YOU feel? 

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  January 2021

  Yes, you are being unreasonable. This is extremely rude to your brother, and putting him in an impossible situation. If he comes, he's letting his family insult his girlfriend and relationship. If he doesn't come, he's missing his sister's wedding. There's simply no call to be so rude to him. 
  
  You need to invite your brother's girlfriend and apologize for trying to exclude her in the first place. 
  
  This relationship has been over for 3 years. Your former SIL should expect that your brother has moved on and will be dating other people by now. While seeing them together for the first time may be jarring to her, she's an adult and a parent. She needs to figure out how to keep it together in front of her children without causing drama. 
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2021

  Well, you do need to invite your brother's girlfriend, because even though he isn't divorced, he is separated from his wife and they are no longer a social unit. He is now one with his girlfriend.
  
  But he has no right to dictate to you whether you invite his wife. And as painful as it could be to see him, let alone with another woman, it's something that she'll have to accept. 
  
  I would tell both your brother and his wife that the girlfriend is invited (and apologize for excluding her), but if either side tries to issue you any "it's him/her or me" ultimatums, shut that down immediately: "The guest list is not up to you."

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• knottiee522d50d24eb5bfd member

  

  February 2021

  These silly people are forgetting (or conveniently ignoring) that your brother is still married to his wife. Whether or not he loves her; whether or not she loves him. They are not divorced. That means that inviting the girlfriend is turning your wedding - a celebration of commitment - into an approval of adultery. With that plus the pandemic, I would absolutely not invite her. If that means he doesn't come, so be it. As you said, your sister-in-law (and she still is legally in law) is a bridesmaid because of her personal relationship to you, not because she married a man who happens to have the same parents as you. Your brother is the unreasonable one here, and nuts to him if he doesn't want to come to your wedding.

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