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Classic: I think I remember this one.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes
I was recently diagnosed with Stage IV cancer and have been told that I probably only have a few years to live. My husband and I have talked through many of the end-of-life issues, including hospice care and cremation versus burial. I find that my biggest fear is related to my memorial service. I have two siblings who are not close to me, my family, or my parents, but they are known for attending family funerals and giving “no holds barred” eulogies filled with criticism of the departed’s life and choices. Since I obviously won’t be there, sometimes I think it really shouldn’t bother me. But I find the thought of my teenage children listening to their vitriol very upsetting. Should I handle this by leaving written instructions with my husband outlining who can speak, or am I putting too much pressure on him during what will be a difficult time for my family? He is very loving and supportive, and will do whatever I ask him to do (within reason)!
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Re: Classic: I think I remember this one.

  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Choose a funeral home director or contact the person you want in charge of your memorial service and make plans through them.  Don't ask your husband to bear this pressure.  The professionals absolutely know how to deal with something like this and probably already have.

    Also...they don't even have to be invited.  I'm over people thinking they have unfettered access to anyone...even if the anyone has passed.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    Seriously, LW just needs to write down their wishes and give them to H and the funeral director.  Tell the funeral director you expect them to be followed to the letter and to shut down anyone who doesn't have permission via the outline to speak.  They don't even need to clear it with LW's H.  

    And yes, not informing them is an option.  Your kids and H don't need to deal with them and you'll be dead.  I know that is so stark sounding, but I've seen enough funerals go off the rails because of someone (usually not in the immediate family) decided to do some performative, public grieving.  I am not a fan of open calls to eulogize someone to a group of people.  Put it in a sympathy note. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Talk to the H about this!

    1) There isn't a rule that the obituary needs to be published and if the funeral is not in a house of worship open to the public then these people don't need to be welcomed. 

    2) If there's still a concern that they'll show up, discuss this with the funeral director so they can ensure that only those that should speak do.  
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    mrsconn23 said:
    Seriously, LW just needs to write down their wishes and give them to H and the funeral director.  Tell the funeral director you expect them to be followed to the letter and to shut down anyone who doesn't have permission via the outline to speak.  They don't even need to clear it with LW's H.  

    And yes, not informing them is an option.  Your kids and H don't need to deal with them and you'll be dead.  I know that is so stark sounding, but I've seen enough funerals go off the rails because of someone (usually not in the immediate family) decided to do some performative, public grieving.  I am not a fan of open calls to eulogize someone to a group of people.  Put it in a sympathy note. 
    Yes. At my Uncle’s funeral, my dad gave a lovely eulogy about his brother. Then a “friend” of my Uncle got up to speak during the open session. He went on for fifteen minutes about how he was truly Uncle’s BFF, even closer than family, how no one could understand their bond and the adventures they’d had. They weren’t even that close. It was ridiculous and so inappropriate. 


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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    levioosa said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    Seriously, LW just needs to write down their wishes and give them to H and the funeral director.  Tell the funeral director you expect them to be followed to the letter and to shut down anyone who doesn't have permission via the outline to speak.  They don't even need to clear it with LW's H.  

    And yes, not informing them is an option.  Your kids and H don't need to deal with them and you'll be dead.  I know that is so stark sounding, but I've seen enough funerals go off the rails because of someone (usually not in the immediate family) decided to do some performative, public grieving.  I am not a fan of open calls to eulogize someone to a group of people.  Put it in a sympathy note. 
    Yes. At my Uncle’s funeral, my dad gave a lovely eulogy about his brother. Then a “friend” of my Uncle got up to speak during the open session. He went on for fifteen minutes about how he was truly Uncle’s BFF, even closer than family, how no one could understand their bond and the adventures they’d had. They weren’t even that close. It was ridiculous and so inappropriate. 
    Yeah, we still talk shit about MIL's (most estranged) sister's eulogy at her funeral.   It was horrifying.  
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    When DH's grandmother died both daughter's spoke.  MIL's older sister spoke and older sister is known for being selfish and also a bit unaware and MIL is known for all the things I've said.  It went into things like, "Well Mom died and we gave her everything" and the aunt gave nothing becasue she didn't know the meaning of it. 

    MIL showed her eulogy to BIL (BIL, SIL and niece were staying with MIL and FIL) ) and BIL tweaked it because it was so bad.    He then read it at the church and we were grateful that it was the last thing heard.   
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