Dear Prudence,
What can I do about my partner no longer being attracted to me? I’m 27 and nonbinary, and I’ve been on masculinizing HRT for about a year now. This has led to pretty bad acne. I also started eating disorder treatment about six months ago, which has led to weight gain. My partner, “Tammy,” is 28, nonbinary, and has been on feminizing HRT for about a year now, which has lowered their libido. They’ve also been diagnosed with ADHD and are on the autism spectrum. We’ve been together for about three years, living together for two. Tammy has another partner in a different city; I don’t have any other partners.
I’d noticed a lot of behaviors over the last several months that seemed to suggest that Tammy wasn’t as attracted to me as they used to be, but I have certain deeper insecurities around my appearance because of the eating disorder. I asked them straight-out a few times, and they always responded that they didn’t want to feed my insecurities by giving a “yes or no” answer. Then I started asking if they could at least do the stuff they used to to show their attraction, like telling me I’m cute, touching me, etc. They would agree in the moment but never actually follow through, even though I made it clear that I wanted something to assuage my anxieties. The other night (after probably a dozen conversations about this), they admitted that I am right. They’re not attracted to me anymore.
I feel totally devastated. Tammy still wants to get married (soon, even), raise kids, and all the other things we’d planned for our future. They love me so much, and I could tell it was a very painful admission. But I feel like my only options to get them to be attracted to me again are to detransition and go back to restricting my food, which basically aren’t really options for me. I don’t know how I can have a marriage to someone who I know doesn’t see me as sexy or appealing in that way. Even if they did start to become attracted to me again, I don’t know how I could ever trust or believe them again. I just don’t see my self-esteem coming back from this.
—Ugly After All