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Classic Prudie: Ohh wow...this is new.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes
I did something bad. Two years ago my brother-in-law died suddenly. Needless to say my in-laws were completely devastated, and my MIL was put on sedation for a few weeks. My husband’s pushy cousin stepped in and took over a lot of the decisions being made. One of them was to place my BIL’s beautiful guitar that his mother had given him in the coffin to be buried with him. I didn’t feel it was my place to speak up, but I thought it was a stupid thing to do. After the visitation at the funeral home I said to an attendant that I thought it was awful that they were going to bury such a valuable object. Since it was to be a closed casket funeral he offered to take the guitar out and set it aside before the coffin was sealed, and I agreed. Later he gave it to me and I brought it home and hid it. Now all this time later my MIL often bemoans the fact that we did such a dumb thing, and says how much she wishes she could have the guitar back to remember her son by. If I speak up and tell what I did, everyone in the family is going to be furious at me, including my husband. I would feel terrible selling it so it remains hidden. Should I face the music and give it back?
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Re: Classic Prudie: Ohh wow...this is new.

  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    Tell MIL privately. 
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    banana468 said:
    Am I reading correctly that the husband doesn't know that his dead brother's guitar is in his house? 

    LW needs to come clean to the husband NOW.   Exactly what did she hope to accomplish here by not telling the truth sooner?
    I read it same way.

    Idk how the husband hasn't seen it. Where did LW put it?
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Tell your husband now. And tell MIL privately. 

    While you shouldn’t have made that decision without telling anyone you also don’t get to keep the guitar for yourself (even if it’s hidden & not used). It’s time to fess up and accept whatever consequences come. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    The coward in me says to just send it anonymously from MIL's "Guardian Angel".  LOL

    But the adult in me says that LW needs to come clean, and give it back.  Maybe LW can write letters to DH and MIL to explain why they did what they did.  Decisions made during fresh grief don't always make sense and can lead to regret. I get that LW was 'saving' them from that. I think LW's heart was in the right place, but they need to own what they did.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    The coward in me says to just send it anonymously from MIL's "Guardian Angel".  LOL

    But the adult in me says that LW needs to come clean, and give it back.  Maybe LW can write letters to DH and MIL to explain why they did what they did.  Decisions made during fresh grief don't always make sense and can lead to regret. I get that LW was 'saving' them from that. I think LW's heart was in the right place, but they need to own what they did.
    Exactly.  Nothing is being gained by sitting on this.  

    I can only imagine if DH did this if I lost my brother and didn't disclose it to me.  The LW needs to know that they're going to have conflict within their marriage and with their MIL but that band aid needs to be ripped off.  What area in their home is so off limits that the H hasn't seen this yet? 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    banana468 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    The coward in me says to just send it anonymously from MIL's "Guardian Angel".  LOL

    But the adult in me says that LW needs to come clean, and give it back.  Maybe LW can write letters to DH and MIL to explain why they did what they did.  Decisions made during fresh grief don't always make sense and can lead to regret. I get that LW was 'saving' them from that. I think LW's heart was in the right place, but they need to own what they did.
    Exactly.  Nothing is being gained by sitting on this.  

    I can only imagine if DH did this if I lost my brother and didn't disclose it to me.  The LW needs to know that they're going to have conflict within their marriage and with their MIL but that band aid needs to be ripped off.  What area in their home is so off limits that the H hasn't seen this yet? 
    I'm not sure I could hide a whole ass guitar from DH, but there's definitely things I could stash he'd never find unless he decided we needed to go from top to bottom on the house.  LOL  We have places in our house that aren't often visited by anyone.  

    But I could never hide something like that from him.  I'd also not have a problem speaking up at the time and saying it's probably not ideal to bury someone with something like a treasured guitar. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    banana468 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    The coward in me says to just send it anonymously from MIL's "Guardian Angel".  LOL

    But the adult in me says that LW needs to come clean, and give it back.  Maybe LW can write letters to DH and MIL to explain why they did what they did.  Decisions made during fresh grief don't always make sense and can lead to regret. I get that LW was 'saving' them from that. I think LW's heart was in the right place, but they need to own what they did.
    Exactly.  Nothing is being gained by sitting on this.  

    I can only imagine if DH did this if I lost my brother and didn't disclose it to me.  The LW needs to know that they're going to have conflict within their marriage and with their MIL but that band aid needs to be ripped off.  What area in their home is so off limits that the H hasn't seen this yet? 
    I'm not sure I could hide a whole ass guitar from DH, but there's definitely things I could stash he'd never find unless he decided we needed to go from top to bottom on the house.  LOL  We have places in our house that aren't often visited by anyone.  

    But I could never hide something like that from him.  I'd also not have a problem speaking up at the time and saying it's probably not ideal to bury someone with something like a treasured guitar. 
    All of that! 

    I could hide jewelry and small items but a guitar is pretty large.  Our house isn't that big that an instrument would be stashed without being found. 

    And I don't want to think about such a sad situation and how it would impact DH but my thought is that I'm rarely one to not share my opinions with him so I can't believe if this was our situation if I wouldn't speak up before it was done. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    banana468 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    banana468 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    The coward in me says to just send it anonymously from MIL's "Guardian Angel".  LOL

    But the adult in me says that LW needs to come clean, and give it back.  Maybe LW can write letters to DH and MIL to explain why they did what they did.  Decisions made during fresh grief don't always make sense and can lead to regret. I get that LW was 'saving' them from that. I think LW's heart was in the right place, but they need to own what they did.
    Exactly.  Nothing is being gained by sitting on this.  

    I can only imagine if DH did this if I lost my brother and didn't disclose it to me.  The LW needs to know that they're going to have conflict within their marriage and with their MIL but that band aid needs to be ripped off.  What area in their home is so off limits that the H hasn't seen this yet? 
    I'm not sure I could hide a whole ass guitar from DH, but there's definitely things I could stash he'd never find unless he decided we needed to go from top to bottom on the house.  LOL  We have places in our house that aren't often visited by anyone.  

    But I could never hide something like that from him.  I'd also not have a problem speaking up at the time and saying it's probably not ideal to bury someone with something like a treasured guitar. 
    All of that! 

    I could hide jewelry and small items but a guitar is pretty large.  Our house isn't that big that an instrument would be stashed without being found. 

    And I don't want to think about such a sad situation and how it would impact DH but my thought is that I'm rarely one to not share my opinions with him so I can't believe if this was our situation if I wouldn't speak up before it was done. 
    Yep.  Also, I could totally get another member of the family to support me on something like this. BIL and I are both pretty practical and we united on a lot of fronts when MIL died to ensure certain things were taken care of or addressed.  
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    MissKittyDanger said:
    banana468 said:
    Am I reading correctly that the husband doesn't know that his dead brother's guitar is in his house? 

    LW needs to come clean to the husband NOW.   Exactly what did she hope to accomplish here by not telling the truth sooner?
    I read it same way.

    Idk how the husband hasn't seen it. Where did LW put it?
    I'm not so much concerned with the letter as I am wondering how much wonderful storage this house has, that a guitar can be hidden for years from someone who lives there.

    The LW should have spoken to the MIL privately when she FIRST lamented about the guitar being buried with her son.  The LW still needs to confess, but doing it sooner would have saved some of that anguish and perhaps been more forgivable by the family.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    short+sassy said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    banana468 said:
    Am I reading correctly that the husband doesn't know that his dead brother's guitar is in his house? 

    LW needs to come clean to the husband NOW.   Exactly what did she hope to accomplish here by not telling the truth sooner?
    I read it same way.

    Idk how the husband hasn't seen it. Where did LW put it?
    I'm not so much concerned with the letter as I am wondering how much wonderful storage this house has, that a guitar can be hidden for years from someone who lives there.

    The LW should have spoken to the MIL privately when she FIRST lamented about the guitar being buried with her son.  The LW still needs to confess, but doing it sooner would have saved some of that anguish and perhaps been more forgivable by the family.
    YES!  I need to empty my closets and just throw them into a dumpster.  
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I just had another thought.  What the heck was up with that funeral home attendant?!?!  That a person (not a parent, spouse, or child) who was attending the funeral said, "How awful they are going to bury such a valuable object."  And the attendant's response was basically, "Here" (as they handed over the guitar).  That's alarming.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    I can't resist telling a lawyer joke (I don't think it's mean) related to burying objects with the deceased.

    Mr. Doe was a wealthy individual, but was dying.  He decided he wanted to be buried with $150K.  He called together the three individuals he trusted the most.  His minister, his doctor, and his lawyer.  He gave each of them $50K in cash in an envelope.  With instructions that, right before he was to be buried, he wanted each one to put $50K in his casket.  Mr. Doe passed away.  Those three people attended his funeral and each one placed an envelope in his casket.  After the funeral, they met for drinks.

    They chit-chatted about what a great man he was.  However, the minister had a confession.  He told the others that he was going to put the whole $50K in the casket.  But then, he thought about all the good that some of that money would do for the less fortunate, so he kept $20K.  The doctor looks guilty and confesses that she had kept $30K to go toward the new cancer ward her hospital was building.  The lawyer is shocked and appalled at what she is hearing.  She throws her napkin down angerly.  Stands up from the table and says, "I can't believe what I'm hearing!  Mr. Doe TRUSTED you!  And I will have you know that I wrote a check for the full $50K and put it in his casket."
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  • knottie84e2ed04123dcc5eknottie84e2ed04123dcc5e member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I think your MIL will be blessed by this... it's all in how you approach it. Go to her gently and calmly and say, "At the time ___ passed, it was so incredibly hard on everyone, and decisions were made quickly. I was concerned that you would regret not having ____'s guitar but wasn't sure what to do. I didn't want to go against anyone's wishes, but my gut was telling me that you would need that for your healing... so I hope you'll understand, but I asked to have it for you and I've been holding it until now. I hope it blesses you to have it and that anyone else will understand that I was acting out of love and forgive me if I overstepped." 
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2021
    Loose lips sinks ships - purchase a beat up case at a pawn shop, and start making it a "thing" to "Find one just like it" and start going to hock shops without anyone else along "for fun"...  Merry Christmas MIL!!!! (Or, in doing so, include an envelope with a note to MIL with the honesty of "Only open this when NO ONE else is around to be kept between us only!")...
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2021
    short+sassy said:
    I just had another thought.  What the heck was up with that funeral home attendant?!?!  That a person (not a parent, spouse, or child) who was attending the funeral said, "How awful they are going to bury such a valuable object."  And the attendant's response was basically, "Here" (as they handed over the guitar).  That's alarming.
    FWIW - they err on the side of "don't bury more than the person"...  If someone requests something from the casket that is with the immediate family ahead of time and not a complete piece of work, they'll silently and discretely follow the request.  NSJS this happened with family (Sister wanted something buried with the Mom and the other sister didn't) and in talking with funeral director friends happens more than people realize and the attitude of not "can't take it with you" but "stuff isn't worth having a family rift over on decisions made in emotion..".  With my FIL they had things in the casket during the viewing but removed them before it was closed.  Happens a lot with wedding rings and jewelry, where they'll have the ring on during the viewing but removed before the casket is closed..  That's also why they don't close the casket in front of everyone most of the time..
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