So my now husband and I dated about 5 months before getting pregnant (unplanned). Luckily, we were very much in love and serious.. but promises of marriage lasted for 5 years all while being referred to as “his wife” and being told “I want to give you a nice ring and a nice wedding, so let’s wait.” (He was also previously married.) By the time I was getting fed up, my hubby was FINALLY getting around to making plans because he had started feeling convicted by our situation.
My struggle begins with a conversation I had with my mom about the situation. To which her solution was to confront my (at the time) boyfriend and basically guilt tripped him. Sidenote: my stepfather was LIVID that she did this. Apparently that was the weekend he was planning on proposing.. but since my mom had her little talk, he decided to propose THAT NIGHT in the midst of being angry with my mom. He didn’t smile. He had been battling anxiety. I was in pajamas at the dinner table. After it was done, I was informed there was a big surprise proposal planned for me which was obviously now not going to happen. To top it off, since we were unmarried and we were trying to follow our faith and do the right things, my bf decided he couldn’t stay in the bed with me until we were legally married. Our son began asking me questions.. so I did everything I could to get us married as soon as possible. Which we did without ceremony and my extended family was extremely angry they were left out. I felt so angry and robbed.. so I began planning a reception.. to which everything I had hoped for ALL FELL THROUGH. I ended up planning a very small backyard wedding/reception.. and ended up having my hair fall, my makeup all melted off, drinks didn’t show up, decorations and our send off were completely forgotten, and I had a cold sore pop up a few days before. I had my proposal, my pictures, my wedding day, my honeymoon.. all of it taken from me. I feel like I worked so hard, spent so much time, and sacrificed so much to just achieve that goal. I wish I wouldn’t have listened to everyone around me. I wish I would’ve just owned my proposal from the beginning and eloped with my husband. I wish my marriage began happily.. but every time I see couples getting engaged or married or honeymooning.. I’m angry and jealous. I’m not that kind of person so why is this happening to me?? Why is it hurting so bad?? Even our first wedding anniversary was hard.. because our actual wedding day wasn’t a great one. All my life I looked forward to these things and they’re just gone in a blink of an eye and I can’t get them back ever. It’s so hard because I want to be able to get my emotions out but I feel so sad for my poor husband because he blames himself. He just did what he felt was right, what he needed to do for me. I’m not even angry at him. I’m just so angry this happened to me and I can do nothing to get it back. I can’t get proposed to again. It’s not like I can have ANOTHER wedding. Or a second engagement announcement. Vow renewals are RENEWALS. And in the midst of COVID, no one freaking cares if your wedding was ruined. So was everyone else’s.
Our goal is to now have a mini-moon every anniversary to celebrate privately.. but I’m still struggling to move past this. Friends and family constantly post pictures of all the great things happening to them.. I cry every time because I wish they happened to me.