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Classic: Yeah, no...not old-fashioned. This has 'bad idea' all over it.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes
My partner and I, who are in a gay relationship, are close friends with a lesbian couple. “Mary” and “Jean” desperately want a baby, and after some discussion my partner decided to donate his sperm. We have no interest in being parents but are happy to be uncles. Unfortunately, Mary experienced a significant illness and Jane got laid off from work, and now they are worried they can’t afford in vitro fertilization. Mary is infertile, and Jane is already 38, so waiting until their financial situation improves might not be an option. Mary and Jane have now asked whether Jane can conceive a baby with my partner the old-fashioned way. My partner and Jane used to date in their 20s so it won’t be anything new. I totally trust my partner, but this is just too much for me. Am I being too old-fashioned?
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Re: Classic: Yeah, no...not old-fashioned. This has 'bad idea' all over it.

  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
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     If you're not comfortable with it, you're not comfortable with it. You can try to talk to them if you want to become comfortable but if you don't then they need to let it go.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    This scheme has the potential to ruin two relationships and create an innocent child that will be brought into into a very messy situation. 

    It also sounds like this process has been going on for a few years and hasn't gotten off the ground for reasons.  This seems like a hail Mary (pun intended) and the stats aren't on your side for it being successful. 
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
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    Also in vitro is only 1/2 the cost.  It’s going to cost money to raise the child so look at those angles too.  However, I was always told by friends with kids “if we had to wait for the right time, we wouldn’t have had kids at all”.  

    But back to the matter at hand.  All four have to be ok with that situation and that’s not the case.  Period. 

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    Just, no. 
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    I wouldn't want this.  Them having a past relationship would make it even worse for me, actually.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    CharmedPam said:
    Also in vitro is only 1/2 the cost.  It’s going to cost money to raise the child so look at those angles too.  However, I was always told by friends with kids “if we had to wait for the right time, we wouldn’t have had kids at all”.  

    But back to the matter at hand.  All four have to be ok with that situation and that’s not the case.  Period. 
    This!  All day long.

    It's a heartbreaking situation for any couple that wants to have a child and can't.  For a variety of reasons...I'm going to take a good guess that money hasn't been the only one...this has not worked out for Mary and Jane.  But that is their problem to solve, including possibly never being able to have a child.

    I know it's hard to see people we care about struggling, but the LW and his partner can't potentially ruin their own relationship so that Mary and Jean can possibly get pregnant and have a child.

    The LW is already uncomfortable with the "new plan".  But the reality would be so much worse.  It's not like the P will have sex with Jane once or twice and...bingo...she's pregnant.  That could happen.  But, more likely, it would be up to a year of them having sex.  Many times a month.  With everyone following Jane's ovulation cycle for the greatest chance of success. 

    I don't see many relationships surviving that.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    If you do it like this, nearly everywhere your partner is now that child’s legal father and on the hook for child support. For 18 years minimum. 
    Oh my goodness, yes!  I hadn't even thought about child support.

    That could also be a danger for Mary/Jane.  Once a child exists, P might decide he isn't happy just being the "good friend" of the moms.  He might want to be an equal parent with equal say and could also fight for custody.

    Even if everyone does go with the original plan of P just being a sperm donor, I wonder if they had discussions about how that will feel for him.  Watching his bio child being raised by close friends, but isn't a parent at all. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    Well this has disaster written all over it. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    No no no no no no no. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
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    Nope nope nope nope nope. 

    Also, NOPE.
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