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Classic: There has to be some middle ground.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes
I was raised in a family where we were never big gift-givers. On special days we each give a meaningful gift and mainly focus on having a nice meal or an outing together. My husband’s family, on the other hand, sees Christmas and birthdays as occasions for major asset transfers. In other words, they are more into dollar value than my family. (My dear husband was horrified last Christmas with my family when all he got was a shirt and tie.) I worry that my husband’s family does not see our carefully chosen gifts as the sincere expression of love and affection that they are. Sometimes I feel trapped in a Polynesian cycle of humiliation by gift giving. Any tips?
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Re: Classic: There has to be some middle ground.

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    CasadenaCasadena member
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    This is hard and I really feel for LW.  I think she and her H need to work hard to get on the same page about the motivation for gift giving together.  At least have a conversation about why they do things the way they do.  It may be that the 2 of them end up being ok, going smaller/more thoughtful for LW's fam and bigger/$$ focused for H's.  It doesn't have to be one or the other.  I do think there's middle ground here though and name drawing with a $$ limit is always a good solution if you can get everyone on board. 
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    banana468banana468 member
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    I think they need to get on the same page.  LW's letter is reeking of judgement and the reality is that she's criticizing their accepted tradition without acknowledging that others may be criticizing hers.

    She and the H need to have a discussion and figure out how they're going to approach this and she needs to accept that you absolutely cannot approach this from a right vs. wrong. 
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    banana468banana468 member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    MyNameIsNot said:
    This sounds like H needs to be in charge of gifts for his family, and LW needs to be in charge of theirs. Sure, if the money is out of hand and they can't afford it, you need to rethink, but it doesn't sound like that's the issue. 
    This is where I’m at, but also the H need to be thankful for what her family gives and not turn his nose up at what he’s given. 
    It's also that too. Both sides need to be appreciative. 
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    What the heck is a "Polynesian cycle of humiliation"?  My mother was even raised in a Polynesian culture and I have never heard this term before.  Nor associated Polynesian areas with humiliation.  I am totally perplexed.
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    ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
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    short+sassy said:
    What the heck is a "Polynesian cycle of humiliation"?  My mother was even raised in a Polynesian culture and I have never heard this term before.  Nor associated Polynesian areas with humiliation.  I am totally perplexed.
    I was wondering the same thing and thinking I just didn't know the phrase because it is a pop culture reference or something.
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    banana468banana468 member
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    short+sassy said:
    What the heck is a "Polynesian cycle of humiliation"?  My mother was even raised in a Polynesian culture and I have never heard this term before.  Nor associated Polynesian areas with humiliation.  I am totally perplexed.
    Unless the LW and H are Polynesian I think it's part of why I'm disliking the LW's tone when bigoted phrasing is used..
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    CasadenaCasadena member
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    banana468 said:
    short+sassy said:
    What the heck is a "Polynesian cycle of humiliation"?  My mother was even raised in a Polynesian culture and I have never heard this term before.  Nor associated Polynesian areas with humiliation.  I am totally perplexed.
    Unless the LW and H are Polynesian I think it's part of why I'm disliking the LW's tone when bigoted phrasing is used..
    I totally assumed one or both of them are Polynesian and definitely didn't read the tone as snarky!  But if that's not the case I totally agree with you. 
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    banana468banana468 member
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    Also, perhaps the H does not think that a shirt and tie is a "meaningful gift".     For many men that isn't meaningful.  H sees clothing as something he needs to wear and unless you've hit some cool article a shirt and tie has the same level of meaning as when my MIL once gave me a box of cake mix as a gift.  Sure it'll get used but the meaning is utilitarian and not to the likes or interest of the person.  For the same amount of money I could give him a decent bottle of whiskey, a GC to the place where he goes for trivia weekly or tickets to the next Auto show or a subscription to a magazine that's catered to his interests.  The meaning I get behind "shirt and tie" is "not a lot of thought went into this."  Perhaps gift giving isn't the love language of the LW but I find serious issues in their approach and denigration of their ILs. 
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    CasadenaCasadena member
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    @banana468 that's totally fair.  I can't imagine in what world they all thought that a shirt and tie was a seriously well thought out and meaningful gift for someone who clearly does not like or care about a shirt and tie.  However, it could also be that LW's family knows that H is a clothes horse and loves wearing cool shirts and ties and has to for work so they painstakingly picked out something in their budget that they thought he'd love.  Then H is being a brat about it bc it's just not fancy enough.

    Hard to know from the letter.
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    banana468banana468 member
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    Casadena said:
    @banana468 that's totally fair.  I can't imagine in what world they all thought that a shirt and tie was a seriously well thought out and meaningful gift for someone who clearly does not like or care about a shirt and tie.  However, it could also be that LW's family knows that H is a clothes horse and loves wearing cool shirts and ties and has to for work so they painstakingly picked out something in their budget that they thought he'd love.  Then H is being a brat about it bc it's just not fancy enough.

    Hard to know from the letter.
    Based on how the letter writer is disparaging her ILs I am not inclined to think that the H is a clothes horse.  I think they're not someone who has a love language of gift giving and needs a crash course in seeing issues from an opposing viewpoint. 
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    CasadenaCasadena member
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    banana468 said:
    Casadena said:
    @banana468 that's totally fair.  I can't imagine in what world they all thought that a shirt and tie was a seriously well thought out and meaningful gift for someone who clearly does not like or care about a shirt and tie.  However, it could also be that LW's family knows that H is a clothes horse and loves wearing cool shirts and ties and has to for work so they painstakingly picked out something in their budget that they thought he'd love.  Then H is being a brat about it bc it's just not fancy enough.

    Hard to know from the letter.
    Based on how the letter writer is disparaging her ILs I am not inclined to think that the H is a clothes horse.  I think they're not someone who has a love language of gift giving and needs a crash course in seeing issues from an opposing viewpoint. 
    I think we're just reading it very differently because I dont' feel like she's disparaging the IL's at all.  Just recognizing they have totally different views and ways of giving, being insecure that what she's always been taught and done isn't good enough, and wondering how to go forward. 
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    banana468banana468 member
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    Casadena said:
    banana468 said:
    Casadena said:
    @banana468 that's totally fair.  I can't imagine in what world they all thought that a shirt and tie was a seriously well thought out and meaningful gift for someone who clearly does not like or care about a shirt and tie.  However, it could also be that LW's family knows that H is a clothes horse and loves wearing cool shirts and ties and has to for work so they painstakingly picked out something in their budget that they thought he'd love.  Then H is being a brat about it bc it's just not fancy enough.

    Hard to know from the letter.
    Based on how the letter writer is disparaging her ILs I am not inclined to think that the H is a clothes horse.  I think they're not someone who has a love language of gift giving and needs a crash course in seeing issues from an opposing viewpoint. 
    I think we're just reading it very differently because I dont' feel like she's disparaging the IL's at all.  Just recognizing they have totally different views and ways of giving, being insecure that what she's always been taught and done isn't good enough, and wondering how to go forward. 
    I see so many incongruities with the LW's letter.
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