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I feel for you, LW.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

Help me chew on this: I am a married working mom of two preschool-age kids. My husband’s married parents have us over for dinner each week, whereas my divorced parents just see us when they see us, often at grandchild drop-off or pickup when we catch up briefly. My parents and I text all the time as well. Grandparent assistance is absolutely appreciated and the only reason I am sane. Other than that, I have almost no time to myself, but I signed up for that when I had kids and I know this season isn’t forever.

Well, now both of my parents (coincidentally) have expressed that they want some one-on-one time with me. Not with me and my kids, just me. And I get it. I can’t ask for free babysitting and not nurture my relationship with them, but I also don’t know how the fuck I am supposed to add two more relationships to attend to and find child care for in my life. It’s not like I can have my parents over and my kids play quietly and independently while the adults talk (yet). My husband has offered to facilitate this, but his work hours are insane and he is just as burned out as I am. I have no idea what is normal or acceptable here—could you help me with this?

—Guilty but Still Burned Out

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Re: I feel for you, LW.

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    LW needs to make time for themselves and their parents. Maybe H and LW can take turns letting the other have some free time. Yes LW needs to tend to the relationships with parents if they want that relationship to continue to grow and be strong. It is also a good lesson to teach children.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited May 2022
    I agree @ILoveBeachMusic.  Also, LW's husband is offering to help them out and LW is all, "Oh I don't want to burden him...he works a lot."  He's also their parent and you both work, so let him.  I'm sure it will be something planned in advance, so it's not going to be a surprise. 

    I understand not wanting to put one more 'obligation' on your plate, but you're relying on them to assist in caring for your children.  This is the cost of that.  I also think LW's parents need to be realistic on how much time LW can truly give.  Furthermore, I feel like there should be some flexibility.  It's not always easy to be 'kid-free', so I wonder if LW could suggest that they bring one kid or something once in a while. With one kid, they still may be able to have a conversation and give their parents attention. 

    I also completely understand this phase in life.  I'm not that far removed from it.  Being out of it is personally great, but I have so much empathy for people in the thick of it.  Heck, watching my 4 and 6 year old nephews was a *lot* last weekend and they mostly played Legos and watched Inspector Gadget on Netflix. 
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    mrsconn23 said:
    I agree @ILoveBeachMusic.  Also, LW's husband is offering to help them out and LW is all, "Oh I don't want to burden him...he works a lot."  He's also their parent and you both work, so let him.  I'm sure it will be something planned in advance, so it's not going to be a surprise. 

    I understand not wanting to put one more 'obligation' on your plate, but you're relying on them to assist in caring for your children.  This is the cost of that.  I also think LW's parents need to be realistic on how much time LW can truly give.  Furthermore, I feel like there should be some flexibility.  It's not always easy to be 'kid-free', so I wonder if LW could suggest that they bring one kid or something once in a while. With one kid, they still may be able to have a conversation and give their parents attention. 

    I also completely understand this phase in life.  I'm not that far removed from it.  Being out of it is personally great, but I have so much empathy for people in the thick of it.  Heck, watching my 4 and 6 year old nephews was a *lot* last weekend and they mostly played Legos and watched Inspector Gadget on Netflix. 
    What I took from this is .... Inspector Gadget is on Netflix?  Well, there goes my weekend for some nostalgia!

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Getting a sitter to hang out with each of your parents can be a lot, but so is only seeing your parents when you're picking up the kids from grandparent baby-sitting. 

    How about some middle ground here? Maybe get coffee and walk to the park with a playground so you can chat while the kids play, or invite a parent over for lunch during the kids' normal naptime. But also, dad is a parent too. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    kerbohl said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    I agree @ILoveBeachMusic.  Also, LW's husband is offering to help them out and LW is all, "Oh I don't want to burden him...he works a lot."  He's also their parent and you both work, so let him.  I'm sure it will be something planned in advance, so it's not going to be a surprise. 

    I understand not wanting to put one more 'obligation' on your plate, but you're relying on them to assist in caring for your children.  This is the cost of that.  I also think LW's parents need to be realistic on how much time LW can truly give.  Furthermore, I feel like there should be some flexibility.  It's not always easy to be 'kid-free', so I wonder if LW could suggest that they bring one kid or something once in a while. With one kid, they still may be able to have a conversation and give their parents attention. 

    I also completely understand this phase in life.  I'm not that far removed from it.  Being out of it is personally great, but I have so much empathy for people in the thick of it.  Heck, watching my 4 and 6 year old nephews was a *lot* last weekend and they mostly played Legos and watched Inspector Gadget on Netflix. 
    What I took from this is .... Inspector Gadget is on Netflix?  Well, there goes my weekend for some nostalgia!
    it's the rebooted version.  Not near as good as the original.  Womp, womp
    Report Reply
  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    mrsconn23 said:
    kerbohl said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    I agree @ILoveBeachMusic.  Also, LW's husband is offering to help them out and LW is all, "Oh I don't want to burden him...he works a lot."  He's also their parent and you both work, so let him.  I'm sure it will be something planned in advance, so it's not going to be a surprise. 

    I understand not wanting to put one more 'obligation' on your plate, but you're relying on them to assist in caring for your children.  This is the cost of that.  I also think LW's parents need to be realistic on how much time LW can truly give.  Furthermore, I feel like there should be some flexibility.  It's not always easy to be 'kid-free', so I wonder if LW could suggest that they bring one kid or something once in a while. With one kid, they still may be able to have a conversation and give their parents attention. 

    I also completely understand this phase in life.  I'm not that far removed from it.  Being out of it is personally great, but I have so much empathy for people in the thick of it.  Heck, watching my 4 and 6 year old nephews was a *lot* last weekend and they mostly played Legos and watched Inspector Gadget on Netflix. 
    What I took from this is .... Inspector Gadget is on Netflix?  Well, there goes my weekend for some nostalgia!
    it's the rebooted version.  Not near as good as the original.  Womp, womp
    I guess I have my weekend back then!  That is sad, I had some hope.  Next time, Netflix, next time!

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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    LW is in the midst of being a Martyr Mommy..    

    Taking time every so often to leave the house sans kids, may FEEL like selfishness, but it's actually self care.  The Dad is offering to take the kids for a morning, it's okay to let him have some solo time to be the Dad with the kids and do something that also takes care of his wife!  It's also good for the kids because they don't grow up thinking they can only go to Mom when they need help/things and Dad was always too busy when that wasn't the case.  It's also important for LW to force that "OFF" time on themselves because it's not good for the body to be on guard ALL of the time which that phase of parenting can be!
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