Wedding Woes

Classic: Is it weird or is it bonding?

I am in my late 20s and have been married to a wonderful guy “Dave” for three years. He and his mother have always had a very close relationship (which I think is great), especially when it comes to their mutual love for a local professional sports team. They have a tradition of going on trips to see their team play away games. This went on even after we began dating, and is continuing now that we are married and have our own home. I think it’s extremely bizarre for a married man in his early 30s to still be taking trips with his mother and sharing a hotel room…

Re: Classic: Is it weird or is it bonding?

  • Are they sharing a bed? No? Then I would get over it.

    I would be annoyed with this personally, but only because just about everything my MIL does annoys me, and I would be baffled why this is a thing.

    But you like that they're close, and I don't see why it's weird that they would take trips together. And I don't think that saving the cash by sharing a room is inherently bad. Are you jealous you're not being invited along?
  • Honestly, i'd side eye it if it was more than once or twice a season.  Nothing "wrong" with it in an inappropriate way, i'd be just as annoyed I think if it was multiple trips with a friend, or with his dad, or whatever. 
  • Casadena said:
    Honestly, i'd side eye it if it was more than once or twice a season.  Nothing "wrong" with it in an inappropriate way, i'd be just as annoyed I think if it was multiple trips with a friend, or with his dad, or whatever. 
    I'd only side eye this if I felt that these were financially and time-wise taking away from our time that I was planning together.

    If DH and his dad even had this tradition and he turned and said we couldn't do the weeklong vacation I wanted because he has 3 two day trips coming up with his dad I'd be clearly pissed because the implication is that I come second. 

    But the LW doesn't seem to be upset that her husband is gone - she seems to be upset that he's gone and with his mom.

    And that still makes me wonder - is she really thinking that this is inappropriate or is she upset that when they got married he didn't tell his mom that all their traditions were over? 
  • I’m in my 40’s and vacation with my parents and to
    save money we get a room with 2 beds.  It’s not ideal, but there’a nothing wrong with it.  Does LW want some
    water with their chill pill?

  • How 'exclusive' is all of this?  Has LW been invited and declined or has H and mom been all, "this is our thing"?  Also, this has been going on their entire relationship and now because they're married it's an issue? 

    I'm having a hard time as seeing this as anything other than insecurity or a desire to control on LW's part.  LW clearly has known about this since they met and started dating their now H.  IDK why it would be an issue all of a sudden unless LW had designs on 'it will change when we're married' because LOL, it never does.  

    Like @banana468 said, if it's not taking away anything other than a weekend here and there, LW needs to build a bridge and get over it.  If there was more meat to their complaint besides, "I find this weird and now think he should too", it's not holding much water. 
  • This just seems really dumb to me.  I can't help but wonder if there's something else going on that LW can't accept and this is what they're focusing on.
  • I’m in my 40’s and vacation with my parents and to
    save money we get a room with 2 beds.  It’s not ideal, but there’a nothing wrong with it.  Does LW want some
    water with their chill pill?
    I’ve stayed with my parents a few times; we’re not super close but it’s fine for a night. 

    LW is the one making it weird. 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    How 'exclusive' is all of this?  Has LW been invited and declined or has H and mom been all, "this is our thing"?  Also, this has been going on their entire relationship and now because they're married it's an issue? 

    I'm having a hard time as seeing this as anything other than insecurity or a desire to control on LW's part.  LW clearly has known about this since they met and started dating their now H.  IDK why it would be an issue all of a sudden unless LW had designs on 'it will change when we're married' because LOL, it never does.  

    Like @banana468 said, if it's not taking away anything other than a weekend here and there, LW needs to build a bridge and get over it.  If there was more meat to their complaint besides, "I find this weird and now think he should too", it's not holding much water. 
    The only other thing that I could think of is if the MIL herself has some boundary issues.

    When BIL and SIL first got engaged MIL was like Marie Barrone meets Wolverine and the claws were SUNK in BIL.  She didn't want him to sit next to SIL and really wanted this special time with him.  It was super annoying to anyone who had functioning eyes and ears. 

    But the LW isn't speaking up like her H is doing this to appease someone with codependence issues and that this truly seems like a thing they like.  It's time to delve deeper. 
  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Ditto banana on this being a true problem if LW's H is using all his resources (vacation time, travel budget) on trips with mom that there's nothing left for travel with LW.  But LW doesn't say that, just that they think it's "extremely bizarre" for a married man and his mother to travel together.  
    If LW was a real life friend I'd ask them what bothers them so much about these trips.  Maybe it's the frequency?  A baseball season lasts six months- do they travel twice a month or twice a season?  Etc.  Maybe LW feels left out?  I'd love to know what specifically is bothering LW about it.
  • I don't think it's weird. But how many trips a year are we talking about? 
  • I'm in the "need more info" camp.

    It's not weird at all the H takes occasional trips with his mom and they share a hotel room.  I think it's weird that the LW thinks it weird or expected it to stop when they got married.  Sounds like the latter wasn't even discussed, it was assumed.

    But, with that said, I could see where it could be upsetting/hurtful to the LW if they are upset about other things.  Like if it is a time and/or money issue.  Or if the LW is purposely not invited.
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  • I think I need more info re: amount of trips, how this affects their finances, etc. But to me this is not a big deal. I feel like maybe LW isn’t half as close to their own parents so a) they can’t understand it from their perspective, and b) they are a little jealous they don’t have a close relationship with their parents/mom. I go on trips with just my mom and sometimes just my mom and grandma. I treasure them. When we do whole family trips H is of course invited but I have zero problem traveling without him and he doesn’t mind either and vice versa. 


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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2022
    levioosa said:
    Omg. I just read the direct Prudie. These trips are only happening every other year. Get a grip, LW. I will give you credit that he should have asked you when booking the last trip but after you made such a big deal and insinuated that it was inappropriate I’m not surprised he didn’t. 
    Link?

    ETA:  Oh, I see

    Dear Prudie,
    I am in my late 20s and have been married to a wonderful guy “Dave” for three years. He and his mother have always had a very close relationship (which I think is great), especially when it comes to their mutual love for a local professional sports team. They have a tradition of going on trips to see their team play away games. This went on even after we began dating, and is continuing now that we are married and have our own home. I think it’s extremely bizarre for a married man in his early 30s to still be taking trips with his mother and sharing a hotel room. He has been on three trips with her in the six years that we have been together. (I was invited only once.) I have expressed to both of them that I don’t think it’s appropriate that these trips are still taking place, and I was basically shrugged off. (His father doesn’t seem to see any problem with it.) Now they have another trip coming up, which they booked without consulting me. I have no problem with their attending a few home games per year together, but I think it’s time that these overnight trips came to an end. I definitely don’t want this continuing once we have children. Should I put my foot down, or should I just accept that this a tradition that is going to continue despite my efforts to put an end to it?
  • I can see why they only invited her once.  You are way out in left field, LW (couldn't resist the pun).

    One trip every couple years sounds nice and like a wonderful bonding experience for them.

    The tiny kernel I will give her is a trip may not be a good idea if she's heavily pregnant or their child(ren) are young enough she'd legit have a hard time managing them herself for a long weekend.

    She's also not thinking of the bigger picture.  If any of their hypothetical children like baseball, that would be so sweet for the tradition to continue with the grandchildren. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • levioosa said:
    Omg. I just read the direct Prudie. These trips are only happening every other year. Get a grip, LW. I will give you credit that he should have asked you when booking the last trip but after you made such a big deal and insinuated that it was inappropriate I’m not surprised he didn’t. 

    Yeah, if it's just every other year, LW needs to calm the hell down. I could understand if they were going multiple times every season and they couldn't afford it or it was coming at the cost of LW and husband (and kids, if any) going on trips of their own. But unless husband and MIL are spending a really exorbitant amount of money when they do go on these trips, I don't see the problem. 
    image
  • Also, LW is flapping her jaw at MIL over this too and trying to tell two grown adults this is inappropriate even though they tried to involve LW on a past trip.   I'd love a letter from the H or the MIL's perspective. 

    LW totally thought getting married would be the magic sauce to get this to stop and is trying to use shame to get their way.  
  • Oh, the LW is WAY out of line.

    Quite frankly the only issue I see is that her H hasn't said, "You can F right off and who do you think you are telling my mother that our long standing tradition is inappropriate?!?"

    Since this is a Classic Prudie if the LW hasn't let it go then I am assuming the problem has resolved itself by way of a divorce attorney. 
  • I doubt LW has children with this man, b/c I hope he decided there were more than 4 people in the world, DTMFA, and GTFO, b/c just wowza.  This is really inappropriate of HER to be bothered by at all.  Take the nice relaxing weekend by yourself, LW and get some therapy too.
  • Even before reading the full letter I was like,  I would be all for this ESPECIALLY if there were kids I could send with them. LW needs to get over themselves. People are allowed to have interests that don't involved them. I wonder if LW would have this problem if their Husband was going on trips with his dad or if this is just a mom issue?
  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited May 2022
    Now that I know it's once every other year I'm left wondering why LW's H doesn't try to take more time away from nutjob that is LW.  
    If I didn't have kids who'd love to travel more I'd love to get away with my mom/parents once in a while, just us.
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