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You're pulling out that 'jump to conclusions' mat awfully fast.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My best friend and I recently celebrated our birthday together. Both of us were very adamant that we wanted a specific, niche genre of music playing (think sea shanties) in keeping with the theme of the event. But my friend’s partner kept turning down the music, requesting to change the playlist, and even just going and turning on other music. Am I right in thinking this kind of controlling behavior is a total red flag? How can I convince my friend to see the problem here?

— Party Pooper

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Re: You're pulling out that 'jump to conclusions' mat awfully fast.

  • banana468banana468 member
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    How about just addressing the behavior that in your JOINT party you weren't a fan that he took control? 

    Maybe it's a big jump to conclusions mat here but I'll say it's at least a sign that this dude is a bit of a jerk. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    I totally think LW should address the rudeness of the BF in the context of the party and how it made them feel.  But there's no way to come out and be all, "Your BF is controlling!" over this one event.  It can be an opening to address a pattern of behavior, but these conversations need a light touch. 
    Totally agree.  With the wrong touch you lose the friendship.
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  • levioosalevioosa member
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    I mean maybe dude just got a little drunk and wanted to share other songs and he wasn’t thinking? Inconsiderate but not everything is a big red flag. 


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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    Yeah, this party sounds obnoxious in the first place.  A 'theme' is one thing, but dictating one specific type of music only can be played for the duration is utterly ridic.  LW is acting like he broke a bunch of glasses, yelled loudly "THIS SUCKS!", and flopped his dick on the table when he was just looking for a little Jimmy Buffett to break up the drunken sailor songs. 
    That's too bad.  This sounds like a better party!
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    levioosa said:
    I mean maybe dude just got a little drunk and wanted to share other songs and he wasn’t thinking? Inconsiderate but not everything is a big red flag. 
    This. Because who wants to just listen to sea shanties an entire party?!?! Rude hosting plan to begin with. 
    I'm going to say that while that may not be my cup of tea, if you show up to a party knowing the music that's played it's still a jerk move to change it up without talking to the hosts.  

    The LW sounds like they are really rigid in their likes and I get that - but both things can be wrong at the same time. 
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    banana468 said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    levioosa said:
    I mean maybe dude just got a little drunk and wanted to share other songs and he wasn’t thinking? Inconsiderate but not everything is a big red flag. 
    This. Because who wants to just listen to sea shanties an entire party?!?! Rude hosting plan to begin with. 
    I'm going to say that while that may not be my cup of tea, if you show up to a party knowing the music that's played it's still a jerk move to change it up without talking to the hosts.  

    The LW sounds like they are really rigid in their likes and I get that - but both things can be wrong at the same time. 
    Yeah I agree it’s a jerk move I just don’t think it’s a relationship red flag necessarily
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    banana468 said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    levioosa said:
    I mean maybe dude just got a little drunk and wanted to share other songs and he wasn’t thinking? Inconsiderate but not everything is a big red flag. 
    This. Because who wants to just listen to sea shanties an entire party?!?! Rude hosting plan to begin with. 
    I'm going to say that while that may not be my cup of tea, if you show up to a party knowing the music that's played it's still a jerk move to change it up without talking to the hosts.  

    The LW sounds like they are really rigid in their likes and I get that - but both things can be wrong at the same time. 
    Yeah I agree it’s a jerk move I just don’t think it’s a relationship red flag necessarily
    Agreed.   And if anything, someone so rigid as "This is how the party needs to go" is a little too Sheldon Cooper for my taste.
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
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    Do I have to google sea shanties? Should I have known what this is?

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  • banana468banana468 member
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    CharmedPam said:
    Do I have to google sea shanties? Should I have known what this is?
    Think Great Big Sea? 

    I live on the New England Coast.   Some places will have festivals for them. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    People this and the dog park wedding do people not understand that when hosting a party you should account for the people you are inviting to that party? 

    BF is a jerk but dont make it weird by saying he’s controlling now. 
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  • levioosalevioosa member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    People this and the dog park wedding do people not understand that when hosting a party you should account for the people you are inviting to that party? 

    BF is a jerk but dont make it weird by saying he’s controlling now. 
    I bet people were glad he intervened with the playlist lol

    We threw a party a few years ago and asked FSIL’s good friend if he wanted to DJ for it (not a professional—he just loves loves bringing out his set and will even drag it around to hangouts) with the caveat that there would be a diverse crowd so the genre needed to extend beyond EDM. Well he only would play EDM and it was okay for a minute and then it really started to throw off the vibes. He was getting all upset that people weren’t into it. Finally I told him I was taking over because it was getting ridiculous. As soon as I took over and catered to the vibe and crowd the party did a 180 and people were having fun and we’re getting hyped up again. The difference is of course it was my party and I had already asked for diverse music, but I totally understand why someone would want to save an event with non-sea shanty music before the party sank completely. 


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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    edited May 2022
    Imma be honest, if I accepted an invite to a party that had a theme and the music was something that sounds really Really REALLY niche, I'd probably be requesting music changes after a bit too, theme be damned.  At some point, a party theme is really "have fun" and if it's not fun...  If the host said no...I'd probably stay for an acceptable amount of time and then Irish exit. 

    So yeah, kind of a jerk move, but I don't think this is some big red flag. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
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    The behavior was certainly rude, but I've heard plenty of stories of people trying to take over the music at a party or wedding when they were bored or drunk. I think it's a lot to assume that your friend is in a controlling or abusive relationship just because their partner wasn't thrilled with the music at your event and tried to change it. 

    Also, for the future, you should consider your guests when planning an event. Once you invite people, it's no longer just about you. It's fine to have that very niche music played at your event, but does it have to the only music played? I went to a wedding recently for a couple that really loves a particular kind of music, and while they did include some of it at their wedding, it was far from the only thing being played.
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