Dear Prudence,
My mom and dad were immigrants from an Eastern European country. We have never been a happy family. I believe my father was bipolar and prone to rages, and I believe that my mom has narcissistic personality disorder. They had a terrible marriage, and I basically fled my hometown after I finished school. My mother never accepted the fact that I permanently moved to a different state and acted like I abandoned her.
Several years ago, my brother, who I trusted implicitly and considered one of my closest friends, stabbed me in the back quite terribly (think conduct just short of blackmail), and we had a bad falling out. My mom completely and very hurtfully took his side, and they began to triangulate against me and ostracize me from my extended family. Despite ongoing verbal and emotional abuse by them (i.e. making up lies about me, my husband, the state of our marriage, calling me names, etc.), I never cut them off because they were the gatekeepers to my father, who I loved and was dying of Alzheimer’s. During this time, I noticed my brother making odd and out of context comments about inheritance. They even accused my (well-off) husband of scheming to get their inheritance. My parents were both professionals and saved well. There’s more than enough to go around, and I found the such comments to be very disconcerting.
Last fall, my father passed away, which was very painful. My parents owned a significant amount of property in their home country. By operation of law in that country, we all—my mom, my brother, and me—inherited everything by thirds. Several weeks ago, I found out that my mom and brother tried to probate what I believe to be a phony will by my father in this foreign country! Even though my parents have been transparent about their U.S. estate plan, I have never heard of a will disposing of their foreign assets before. Based on my dad’s “will,” they asked me to sign over my inheritance share to my mother. I was ready to do that if those were my dad’s wishes but, before doing so, I asked to see the will. It was entirely in my mom’s very distinctive handwriting, and it was signed by witnesses two days after the will was signed (i.e., not witnessed at all). I started comparing the signature on the “will” to authentic signatures of my dad’s, and there are definite differences, prompting me to hire a handwriting expert. After I got an attorney involved in their home country, there were all kinds of other red flags that are too detailed to go into here. I even found out that, on my dad’s death certificate in this foreign country, my mom improperly listed herself as my dad’s only surviving heir (not true, and she was made to go back and fix it). Suffice it to say, every rock I uncover convinces me further that they prepared a fake will to steal my inheritance. Their attorney in the probate proceedings even mysteriously withdrew, even though my mom and brother were satisfied with his representation. As an attorney myself, I can tell you that this oftentimes indicates an ethical dilemma with the client.
This is criminal. I believe that my mom was trying to steal my inheritance share to give everything to my brother, or to cherry pick the best parts for him. During my dad’s decline, she redistributed their American assets to give my brother a lot more, so the writing was on the wall. I’m so hurt, betrayed, and beyond all else ANGRY. I am tempted to report them to the police, but I don’t want to send my 79-year-old widowed mother to jail (and I don’t think my father would have wanted that). I am completely done with them, and I am ready to start my life fresh without them. Am I justified to cut them both off completely? I am in disbelief as to how any mother could do this to her own daughter. I don’t see how this relationship can ever be saved, particularly once this turns into litigation in that foreign country. (And, yes, I have already been in counseling for years based on my previous childhood trauma.)
— Ain’t No Water in That Maternal Well