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Uhhh...

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

Last week, I was doing some work on our shared desktop computer while my husband’s personal email was still logged in, which I didn’t realize until a notification popped up, and I caught sight of his ex’s name. This is the beautiful, sparkly, outgoing woman who swooped down and took his virginity when he was 27, dated him for six months, dumped him out of nowhere and broke his heart. She is the only other woman he’s ever been with, whereas I haven’t been with anyone but him. As much as I know he loves me, our 4-year-old daughter, and the baby we just found out I’m pregnant with, I’ve always felt insecure about how he still seems to put his ex on a pedestal and agonizes occasionally over losing her.

Unable to control my curiosity, I skimmed the long message she’d sent him, wherein she apologized for how she treated him, rambled on about her unloving parents, their nasty divorce, her abusive early relationships, mental illness, and drug problems, then told how she’d cleaned up, gotten into therapy and meditation, and now, heading into her late 30s, is desperate to become a mom. She said he was the only truly good man she’d ever known, and despite knowing he was already married and a father, she wanted to give their relationship a second chance.

Almost without thinking, I replied as my husband, saying I was very happy in my marriage and to please never contact me again. Then I deleted the sent message, the original, and deleted them from the trash. I haven’t said a word to my husband, and as far as I know she hasn’t emailed him again. But I can’t help feeling guilty about snooping in his email and impersonating him. Do I owe him the truth, even if it ends up costing me everything?

— Shamefaced Snoop

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Re: Uhhh...

  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I need more info because an email like that just doesn’t come out of the blue.  There must have been communication before that, even on a friendly level. LW wasn’t really snooping, she came across something and to be completely honest, I would have looked too. 

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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Wow. 

    Well. 

     1) she didn’t swoop in and take his virginity- they did that together. She didn’t take that away from him or you. There seems to be a lot of shade coming through there.  

    2) the insecurity you feel about her is on you to work out. Unless he’s still talking about her, the feelings you have about her are yours to work through and manage. 

    3) snooping is wrong but it’s also a shared computer so there’s some level of expectation is seeing each others open tabs if they’re not closed out. Tell him what you saw and did. He should forgive you unless there’s something else going on. 

    4) resist any urge you have to snoop again. 
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I’d 100% divorce someone over this. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    LW, if he was so hung up on another woman, why did you go so far as to marry him, have one of his kids, and have another on the way?   The red flags were a-waving long before the sob story e-mail.  

    Also, what the what at 'swooping in and taking his virginity'?   That is quite the statement. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    This LW has SO many issues with trust and purity. 

    This may not be divorce territory but it certainly delves into it with its secret keeping.  And the LW is so detached from reality that she needs her own reality check about her H's past and her alleged claims to purity and virginity that are likely not rooted in anything other than indoctrination. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2022
    Lots going on here. Wow.

    First off, what do you mean when you say he "agonizes" over this woman? If he's still talking about her a lot after all this time and acting like he still regrets losing her, that's something you should have talked to him about a long time ago if it made you uncomfortable.

    As for the email, I can't entirely blame you for looking at it, but you absolutely should not have responded to it, especially not by impersonating your husband. Again, you should have gone to him, admitted that you saw the email, and talked to him about it. You could have asked how much communication he has had with this woman recently and respectfully asked that he tell her to back off. Instead, you decided not to trust him and in the process totally breached his trust in you.

    Tell him what happened and accept that he will at the very least be angry with you. You both have major issues to work through, but he has the right to decide if he wants to work through them together.


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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Hoooooooly shit. Honestly the first red flag was her saying the ex "swooped in". I can sort of understand her being near or on the laptop and seeing a message, and I can understand the curiosity in reading it. 

    But my understanding ends there. That's an insane thing to do. She needs to 'fess up. Also let's say your H is still in love with an ex and would leave you for them. Wouldn't you want to know?? Wouldn't you want to then get out of that marriage?! 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    You lost me at swooped in and took his virginity at 27. 

    But counseling, I guess? There's a whole lot of fucked up here. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    MyNameIsNot said:
    You lost me at swooped in and took his virginity at 27. 

    But counseling, I guess? There's a whole lot of fucked up here. 
    Me too. There's SO MUCH resentment that the LW has against that woman WHEN HER H WAS AN EQUAL.

    But hey let's keep blaming women for everything that seems to be going well this week. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    MyNameIsNot said:
    You lost me at swooped in and took his virginity at 27. 

    But counseling, I guess? There's a whole lot of fucked up here. 
    Yup, I thought that was weird. Makes it sound like the ex was very predatory or H had no say in the matter, which I highly doubt was the case.
    image
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    banana468 said:
    MyNameIsNot said:
    You lost me at swooped in and took his virginity at 27. 

    But counseling, I guess? There's a whole lot of fucked up here. 
    Me too. There's SO MUCH resentment that the LW has against that woman WHEN HER H WAS AN EQUAL.

    But hey let's keep blaming women for everything that seems to be going well this week. 
    Sexism and the patriarchy are a hell of a drug.  
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    mrsconn23 said:
    banana468 said:
    MyNameIsNot said:
    You lost me at swooped in and took his virginity at 27. 

    But counseling, I guess? There's a whole lot of fucked up here. 
    Me too. There's SO MUCH resentment that the LW has against that woman WHEN HER H WAS AN EQUAL.

    But hey let's keep blaming women for everything that seems to be going well this week. 
    Sexism and the patriarchy are a hell of a drug.  
    There are few things that piss me off more than when women do not see how they're led to believe that the actions of grown ass men are somehow due to other women.  
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