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He's unreasonable and lacking any sort of understanding.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I have been together for nearly 10 years, married for almost four, and we recently welcomed our first child this winter. I have had a very difficult time postpartum. A few weeks after my baby was born, I felt overwhelmed with debilitating anxiety, depression, and insomnia. It became so bad I was prescribed antidepressants along with medication for panic attacks. Since I started medication it has slowly gotten better, but due to my ADHD and anxiety it’s still a struggle. I haven’t felt like myself at all, and I’ve also been feeling extremely insecure about the weight I gained during my pregnancy (close to 50 lbs.) and getting back to my pretty fit previous weight. I’ve lost about 35 lbs. so far, but I don’t feel confident about my body and while I know I should be exercising regularly (my husband bought me an expensive exercise bike for this purpose), I am so exhausted and overwhelmed nearly every day and completely lack motivation. Due to the antidepressants my sex drive has also pretty much disappeared which is another thing I feel anxious about.

My husband has been amazing. He’s the one that will get up with our baby in the morning after I’ve had yet another sleepless night to give me an opportunity to sleep in. I still take on the lion’s share of caregiving (feedings, playtime, diaper changes, bath, and bedtime routine), but I do appreciate how he’s supported me in this way. About three months postpartum, he went to his close friend’s wedding on the other side of the country. I was home alone with our baby and dog and felt completely overwhelmed. I couldn’t stop crying and was so on edge I was too scared to even shower when the baby was asleep in case something happened, and I couldn’t hear the cries. It was miserable and very scary for me. Now, a few months later, he wants to travel again to a friend’s bachelor party—internationally. It’s only for a weekend, but I don’t think I can handle it and every time he brings it up I beg him not to go but he says that I’m being unreasonable, and that the wives of other friends of his that are going and have more than one baby are handling it just fine, so I should too.

I know this is in part due to feeling insecure about my postpartum body and uncomfortable about him being in tropical country at a bachelor party where there will most likely be strippers or just women in general in various states of undress. But another part of me feels like he’s completely negating my feelings and the trauma I’ve dealt with postpartum just because he wants to go on this trip. He is going to this friend’s wedding later this year which is also across the country while I will stay at home with our baby and dog. This friend also lives locally so they could get together nearby any other weekend. Am I being unreasonable by asking him to skip this overseas bachelor party? If so, what can I do to help myself get through this? I don’t have family or close friends nearby to help out, and I’m a shy and introverted person that dreads asking for help from acquaintances/neighbors. I feel like I’m losing my mind and would really appreciate any advice you have to offer.

— Am I An Unreasonable Wife?

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Re: He's unreasonable and lacking any sort of understanding.

  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    He’s a parent too. Helping out in the morning is like the bare minimum of parenting. It’s also not helping out it’s literally caring for his child. And maybe if he did more of it LW wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed. 

    You’re not unreasonable. He is. And anyone else’s postpartum experience has no bearing on yours. He needs to stay and recognize that he is needed to be a parent. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    He's not getting it.  You aren't like other wives and you have your own set of medical issues going on.  He can be disappointed or can he possibly arrange for someone to be with you while he's gone? 
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I hope the LW is getting therapy. DD had some postpartum (not as severely as this) but went to therapy and that helped immensely. I am also assuming that the H is working a full time job (he should also help when he can during the night) so I can see his side of the story wanting some time with friends. LW should also talk about her body issues. No one's body reacts the same to childbirth or bounces back the same. I think she is doing well being 35 pounds down after maybe 5-6  months!
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    ILoveBeachMusic said:
    I hope the LW is getting therapy. DD had some postpartum (not as severely as this) but went to therapy and that helped immensely. I am also assuming that the H is working a full time job (he should also help when he can during the night) so I can see his side of the story wanting some time with friends. LW should also talk about her body issues. No one's body reacts the same to childbirth or bounces back the same. I think she is doing well being 35 pounds down after maybe 5-6  months!
    I also had some serious PP anxiety/blues.  It wasn't enough to be on an antidepressant but it was a shock to my system in all ways imaginable and I cried EVERY DAY.

    I have a great DH but one of the issues that I see is that I also have a seriously emotional MIL who cries at the drop of a hat and she's emotionally manipulative and that becomes a wall that DH puts up.  I had to get him to understand that I was a TOTALLY different person than her and the issues I was having needed to be validated.  

    That said, the dude only went away when Chiquita was a newborn for work and rushed home in a blizzard to be back by my side.  If he wanted to go away longer he would have made calls or I would have.  I hope this LW has a support system behind the house.  It's SO HARD when you need to call in reinforcements that don't exist.
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    banana468 said:
    ILoveBeachMusic said:
    I hope the LW is getting therapy. DD had some postpartum (not as severely as this) but went to therapy and that helped immensely. I am also assuming that the H is working a full time job (he should also help when he can during the night) so I can see his side of the story wanting some time with friends. LW should also talk about her body issues. No one's body reacts the same to childbirth or bounces back the same. I think she is doing well being 35 pounds down after maybe 5-6  months!
    I also had some serious PP anxiety/blues.  It wasn't enough to be on an antidepressant but it was a shock to my system in all ways imaginable and I cried EVERY DAY.

    I have a great DH but one of the issues that I see is that I also have a seriously emotional MIL who cries at the drop of a hat and she's emotionally manipulative and that becomes a wall that DH puts up.  I had to get him to understand that I was a TOTALLY different person than her and the issues I was having needed to be validated.  

    That said, the dude only went away when Chiquita was a newborn for work and rushed home in a blizzard to be back by my side.  If he wanted to go away longer he would have made calls or I would have.  I hope this LW has a support system behind the house.  It's SO HARD when you need to call in reinforcements that don't exist.
    I totally agree, that is why I said therapy. It helped DD talk through things and understand her feelings. SIL is a great dad and helped as much as he could with twins that were being exclusively breastfed - like getting up with them when they didn't need to be fed and changing them to get them ready to be fed. Everyone that DD knows who has had PP has benefited from therapy. She often did call in appointments since they had no family in town. If I was there, she would have in person appointments. Of course some kind of support system is necessary.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    ILoveBeachMusic said:
    banana468 said:
    ILoveBeachMusic said:
    I hope the LW is getting therapy. DD had some postpartum (not as severely as this) but went to therapy and that helped immensely. I am also assuming that the H is working a full time job (he should also help when he can during the night) so I can see his side of the story wanting some time with friends. LW should also talk about her body issues. No one's body reacts the same to childbirth or bounces back the same. I think she is doing well being 35 pounds down after maybe 5-6  months!
    I also had some serious PP anxiety/blues.  It wasn't enough to be on an antidepressant but it was a shock to my system in all ways imaginable and I cried EVERY DAY.

    I have a great DH but one of the issues that I see is that I also have a seriously emotional MIL who cries at the drop of a hat and she's emotionally manipulative and that becomes a wall that DH puts up.  I had to get him to understand that I was a TOTALLY different person than her and the issues I was having needed to be validated.  

    That said, the dude only went away when Chiquita was a newborn for work and rushed home in a blizzard to be back by my side.  If he wanted to go away longer he would have made calls or I would have.  I hope this LW has a support system behind the house.  It's SO HARD when you need to call in reinforcements that don't exist.
    I totally agree, that is why I said therapy. It helped DD talk through things and understand her feelings. SIL is a great dad and helped as much as he could with twins that were being exclusively breastfed - like getting up with them when they didn't need to be fed and changing them to get them ready to be fed. Everyone that DD knows who has had PP has benefited from therapy. She often did call in appointments since they had no family in town. If I was there, she would have in person appointments. Of course some kind of support system is necessary.
    It's something I question in myself and whether I should have sought it.

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  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I'd first like to award the LW's H a gold medal for spending time with his baby in the morning *end sarcasm*
    He has to stop comparing LW to his friends' wives, like, yesterday.  I feel bad for this poor LW who definitely has some PPD (I didn't but like banana had really severe blues...my first day without bursting into tears with my first, she was around six weeks old.  I first started feeling like "myself" again around the time she was 4 months old or so.  Time for the H to grow up and stop with the overnight/destination parties until LW feels more herself.
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