Dear Prudence,
There were multiple medical problems that I had throughout my childhood that my father constantly dismissed, played down, or insisted I didn’t have. Mom was not in the picture, apparently, she took off when I was young. He also insisted that I did have problems that I did not, and sometimes I was given treatments I didn’t want with no explanation other than that they would make me better. (Side note to parents of sick/disabled kids: Please tell us what the medicine is supposed to treat and the possible side effects instead of feeding us medicines we don’t understand.) Shockingly, treatments for problems I did not have did not make me better. Now that I’ve moved out and am an adult, I’ve started to work on getting treatment for the problems I actually have, and I’ve gotten visibly better and happier for it.
The problem is that my father continues to go, “I wish I’d known, I would have done (things I’m doing right now).” I have to lie to him and come up with excuses for why he couldn’t have known so he’ll stop bemoaning it. Otherwise, he’ll go on for half an hour or more and I cannot put up with that. It grates on me because I repeatedly tried to tell him that things were wrong and that the treatments didn’t help, and now he insists that if I had told him, he would have gotten me the treatments I needed, and often points to the treatments that he got me for the problems he thought that I had as proof.
I know that this behavior is a form of regret, but I wish that his regret didn’t take a form where he regularly denies his past behavior. He wasn’t a bad father overall. I’ve come to terms with his behavior, and understand that he was doing the best he knew how to do. It’s hard to get past the societal idea that kids don’t know what they’re talking about. He did realize something was wrong and made an effort. The damage is done, and there’s no use dwelling on the past. I just want him to stop regularly lying that he would have gotten me the treatment I desperately needed when he never believed what I said.
— No, You Wouldn’t Have