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There is no 'us' to fight for, try to move on.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My fiancé and I broke up a month ago after four years together because he changed his mind about having kids in the near future and wanted to be polyamorous with me and his new crush. I really do not want to be poly, and having kids in a few years (I’m 28 now, he is 30) is really important to me. But I feel regret and wonder if I should get back together with him and if this is just a big struggle we have to overcome. He is dating his crush already, and she is poly. Since he met her, he is convinced that being poly is the thing that will make him happy. Should I try to fight for us? I’ve been trying to change his mind for a month. Our relationship was great on so many levels. We considered each other soulmates, and he told me I’m the love of his life when he proposed to me in Paris one and a half years ago. Or should I try to move on? If yes, how?

— Polyamory Stole My Fiancé

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Re: There is no 'us' to fight for, try to move on.

  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Your FI wants to be with other people and you don't.  The relationship is not worth fighting for.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    ei34 said:
    Your FI wants to be with other people and you don't.  The relationship is not worth fighting for.
    This.

    I do not have the capacity to be poly or to not want kids.  Both would be deal breakers for me. 

    It's understandable to be sad and to grieve what you no longer have but it also should not mean sacrificing what you want at your core for a person who does not share the same thing. 
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Move on, honey.  You don't want to meet requirements with each other and that means you're incompatible with each other.  You will find someone else.
    �
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Girl. No. You do not want the same things. Move on. 
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You two are on different pages and he’s never entering your page again.  Not even your chapter. 

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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    LW, NO!  It's so hard right now because she is missing the relationship they had and the future they were envisioning.  But that future is only a fantasy now.  To get back together is only going to prolong the misery of a life she doesn't want.

    He possibly doesn't want children anymore.  He wants a polyamorous lifestyle.  And he CHEATED on her!  The first two qualities are fine, though sad when couples can't agree on them.  But the last one is not.  Do not throw away their boundaries and any more time away on this loser.

    He can give the LW some flimsy excuse that the current g/f was just his crush before their break-up.  I guarantee you the current g/f is who he was having an affair with and now he can bring it out in the open.  The LW is too hurt right now to see the reality.  But he cheated on her and threw their 4-year relationship away for another woman.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    @short+sassyI also wonder on stuff like this and if the dude is really poly or if he actually doesn't want commitment.  They aren't the same thing. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You move on by blocking his number and unfollowing on social. He made his choice, you’re not okay with the parameters he put on staying together, so it’s time to recognize the old him is never coming back. 

    You deserve someone who wants the same things that you want without asking you to change fundamental aspects of who you are. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    My heart hurts for this LW.  They invested so much into this relationship to have it swept away quickly and now he's off with his 'new' life.  I don't blame them for being stuck on the bargaining stage of the grieving process. They need to stop contacting their ex, full stop, right away.  

    I know LW probably doesn't feel like it, but they have to propel themselves to literally get out of the house and just live.  Meet friends for coffee, dinner, a walk in the park, etc.  If they can get out of dodge, even just for a long weekend, that would be even better.  Also, if there are hobbies LW enjoys, especially ones they may have let fall by the wayside, get back into them.  And if there's a TV show their partner hated to watch and they'd turn if off when he entered the room, turn that shit on and blast it.  
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    You and your ex are no longer compatible. You can't agree to disagree on having kids, and you certainly shouldn't go along with polyamory if it doesn't feel right for you personally. 

    Don't try to get back together with him. Have your grieving time, stop communicating with him in any way, and move on.
    image
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