Wedding Woes

Other people aren't responsible for your feelings.

Dear Prudence,

There was this girl, Alex, at school that I am friends with, and I developed a crush on her a while ago. We were on the same bus and live two blocks apart, and about the time she graduated, I caught feelings for her. But ever since then, she’s been really distant, despite the closeness. The problem is that she is moving away soon for university, and I’m not sure what to do. I would like to get this off of my chest, but I’m scared it will drive us even further apart. Sometimes we catch up, and I have never felt a connection like that with anybody. We have a shared group of friends and sometimes we hang out; she is really nice in person, but it is extremely difficult to get to do anything with her alone. Do you reckon I should confess before she leaves or should I leave it at that?

— Close Is Far

Re: Other people aren't responsible for your feelings.

  • mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

    There was this girl, Alex, at school that I am friends with, and I developed a crush on her a while ago. We were on the same bus and live two blocks apart, and about the time she graduated, I caught feelings for her. But ever since then, she’s been really distant, despite the closeness. The problem is that she is moving away soon for university, and I’m not sure what to do. I would like to get this off of my chest, but I’m scared it will drive us even further apart. Sometimes we catch up, and I have never felt a connection like that with anybody. We have a shared group of friends and sometimes we hang out; she is really nice in person, but it is extremely difficult to get to do anything with her alone. Do you reckon I should confess before she leaves or should I leave it at that?

    — Close Is Far

    You're welcome to be honest but also understand that at your age just because you're feeling things for the first time it does not equal that you'll never feel them again. 
  • She doesn’t reciprocate your feelings and is probably already aware of them and trying to distance herself to avoid an awkward conversation. 
  • So I’m reading into this that she knows how you feel, you tried to hang out alone and she’s shown no interest, and you barely talk to her 1:1? She’s just not that into you. 

    What do you get out of telling her how you feel knowing that? If it’s something go ahead, but you can’t expect her to respond in any way other than she has been. 
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited February 2023
    I try so hard not to be judgy when a teenager uses the phrase "never felt a connection like that with anybody", but I know I fail.  Because yeah.  They're young and haven't had the experience to have even met that many people yet.  It's a powerful emotion no matter what your age is so I'm not judging that part of it.  But stop with the dramatic use of the word "never".

    However, that is the perspective I am coming from when I'm telling the LW not to confess their feelings.  It might be the first time they have felt this way, but it will hardly be the last.  And the strong connection is only on their end as a crush, so they need to let it go.  There is a natural parting of the ways after high school.  If they were both going to be staying in town, I'd tell the LW to ask her out on a date.  But they aren't, so any romantic relationship that might develop is probably going to end in the late summer anyway.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Ugh, I wish LW could read their words with hindsight or something.  What they're describing in Alex's behavior is tolerance vs. friendship or connection. 
     
    They are blinded by this crush and now going into a panic because of the 'scarcity' of Alex's presence since they are off to university soon.  It's all part of developing into an adult, but I wish I could shake this LW and be like, "Your thoughts aren't real and your feelings are fake.  There is no there-there with Alex."  But that's just not how it works.  
  • Did you hear about that guy that is suing someone for millions of dollars because she friend zoned him?  I think it was in Singapore?  Oh the trauma when you have feelings for someone and how dare she not acknowledge them!

  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 2023
    kerbohl said:
    Did you hear about that guy that is suing someone for millions of dollars because she friend zoned him?  I think it was in Singapore?  Oh the trauma when you have feelings for someone and how dare she not acknowledge them!
    That case is actally really scary if you read all the details.  That woman went to therapy with him to get him to stop bothering her and all sorts of other stuff and he still.won't.leave.her.alone.  I don't know anything about the Singapore laws/culture, but I hope the legal system slaps him all the way around.

    ETA: (sorry for all of these lately, I'm really starting to struggle with some memory issues that I might be going to the doctor about): https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2023/02/02/singapore-rejected-man-sues-woman/
  • Thankfully Singapore had a pretty robust court system so hopefully it gets thrown out but damn that poor woman. 
  • I know in the US, people can pretty much sue anybody for anything they want, even if it is ridiculous.  I assume Singapore works in a similar way.

    But it's still stressful to be sued, even for a baseless case.  Especially when you haven't done anything wrong and it's the other person who has been horrible.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Maybe she can turn around and sue him for the distress he has caused her ...

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