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To invite or not?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I moved to a new city a year ago and made what I thought were two good friends. I hadn’t known them long but still sent them wedding “save the dates.” But then our friendship dynamic started to feel off (passive-aggressive remarks, mean girl cliquey behavior, etc.) I recently broke my leg and they’ve both been completely absent. They’ll text and say what can I do to help, I’ll say I’d love visitors (I can’t get around much with just one leg) and then they ghost. They both live 10 minutes away but haven’t come around once. Some other acquaintances have been really lovely, and I think I’d rather stop investing in these friendships.

But what do I do about the wedding invite? They don’t have all the details yet and I’d rather just not mention it. I’m only having a wedding celebration so my partner and I can celebrate with friends we’re truly close to, and I think I’d feel really used if they came and it would sour the event. But what should I do if they ask about the wedding?

—Mean Girl Phobia

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Re: To invite or not?

  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    If you don’t invite them, then you should consider the friendship over. Which is fine. If they ask “in the end we had to cut our guest list.”  Because who cares if they like it, you don’t want to be friends anymore. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    WTF does "I'm only having a wedding celebration" mean?? 

    And why are you worried if the people who haven't asked about you in months ask about the wedding?? 

    If you're not into the friendship anymore then don't invite them but know that if you're traveling in overlapping circles then eventually that will be the faux pas that gets back to you as a shady friend too.

    In the meantime though I think you're rather self-involved if you think that their presence will 'sour the event'.  It seems like you're looking for a way to tell them off while not being the AH and sadly there's no real great way to do that. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited March 2023
    This is why people shouldn't send STDs to new people in their lives.

    I'm wondering how far off the wedding is.  If it is still pretty far in the future, the LW might change their mind again.  If it's not, then don't invite them, but realize it could be a friendship-ending move.  @banana468, makes a good point that the LW also needs to consider if there are mutual friends, because it could sour those relationships also, if they found out Friend ! and 2 were given STDs, but not invites.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    This is why sending STD's is something you should do strategically, if at all (we didn't have them).  OOT extended family and long-term friends?  Sure.  Because they do need to make travel arrangements.   

    But to local people?  Especially friends?  Shouldn't they be in your life and kind of know what's going on?  Like, maybe you talk once a month, but your wedding should come up at a certain point? Also, if your friendships are newer or fickle, they shouldn't get a STD.  

    Anyway, since we don't know how intertwined these people are with people you do intend to invite, it truly is a calculation of how it will impact mutual friendships and future interactions you could have with them. 

    Also, your narrative of your wedding is kind of BS.  You're only celebrating with friends you're 'close to'?  Then you were awfully fast and loose with the STD's (pun intended, heh).  Also, you felt close enough to them at some point to include them.  Again, the social calculus is on you LW and whether or not you want to deal with fall out if they expect an invite that doesn't come. 
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    I'm not sure I believe LW.  This seems very possibly self-centered.  She doesn't have any sort of specific inciting event, just that it seems "off".  Then, they did offer help for the broken leg, but didn't have time to visit?  I mean, I've totally dropped off meals for friends before, just to help them through a difficult time and that was what I had time/capabilities for.  Visiting wasn't some thing I was going to be able to make happen, for whatever reason.

    I don't know why you care, LW.  That line about "some acquaintances have been really lovely" makes me feel like your friendship is hella conditional.  Do these "good friends" a favor and go ahead and dump them from the wedding invite.
    �
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    VarunaTT said:
    I'm not sure I believe LW.  This seems very possibly self-centered.  She doesn't have any sort of specific inciting event, just that it seems "off".  Then, they did offer help for the broken leg, but didn't have time to visit?  I mean, I've totally dropped off meals for friends before, just to help them through a difficult time and that was what I had time/capabilities for.  Visiting wasn't some thing I was going to be able to make happen, for whatever reason.

    I don't know why you care, LW.  That line about "some acquaintances have been really lovely" makes me feel like your friendship is hella conditional.  Do these "good friends" a favor and go ahead and dump them from the wedding invite.
    Agreed.  LW seems like the kind of person who says that she doesn't want drama and then does everything she can to get it. 
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
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    I didn't do STDs, mainly because they a) feel like just another extra thing that the wedding industry insists are necessary and b) I warned people who lived far away when the date was.  And situations like this can then be avoided.
    I think she should wait on it, honour the fact that she did send an STD, even though I agree that it was a little preliminary to send it to new friends.  Maybe she is reading in to things.  Maybe she is the mean girl.

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  • banana468banana468 member
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    kerbohl said:
    I didn't do STDs, mainly because they a) feel like just another extra thing that the wedding industry insists are necessary and b) I warned people who lived far away when the date was.  And situations like this can then be avoided.
    I think she should wait on it, honour the fact that she did send an STD, even though I agree that it was a little preliminary to send it to new friends.  Maybe she is reading in to things.  Maybe she is the mean girl.
    We didn't do them either.  My MIL brought it up passive aggressively and our take was that we didn't think they were needed given that we were having a fairly local wedding and spread it via word of mouth.   We also got married before most social media was even a thing.  I didn't get a FB account until 4 mo before my wedding day. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    banana468 said:
    kerbohl said:
    I didn't do STDs, mainly because they a) feel like just another extra thing that the wedding industry insists are necessary and b) I warned people who lived far away when the date was.  And situations like this can then be avoided.
    I think she should wait on it, honour the fact that she did send an STD, even though I agree that it was a little preliminary to send it to new friends.  Maybe she is reading in to things.  Maybe she is the mean girl.
    We didn't do them either.  My MIL brought it up passive aggressively and our take was that we didn't think they were needed given that we were having a fairly local wedding and spread it via word of mouth.   We also got married before most social media was even a thing.  I didn't get a FB account until 4 mo before my wedding day. 
    I didn't have a FB until a couple years after my wedding (2008/2009ish).  

    I tried to get away with not having favors, because I thought they were a waste of money (still do for the most part, but we do have some beer koozie wedding favors that are perfect for the boat because IDGAF if they get ruined or lost, ha) and my mom was not having it.  I told her that if she wanted them, she could get them.   I literally have no idea what she bought as favors for our wedding.  LOL 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    banana468 said:
    kerbohl said:
    I didn't do STDs, mainly because they a) feel like just another extra thing that the wedding industry insists are necessary and b) I warned people who lived far away when the date was.  And situations like this can then be avoided.
    I think she should wait on it, honour the fact that she did send an STD, even though I agree that it was a little preliminary to send it to new friends.  Maybe she is reading in to things.  Maybe she is the mean girl.
    We didn't do them either.  My MIL brought it up passive aggressively and our take was that we didn't think they were needed given that we were having a fairly local wedding and spread it via word of mouth.   We also got married before most social media was even a thing.  I didn't get a FB account until 4 mo before my wedding day. 
    I didn't have a FB until a couple years after my wedding (2008/2009ish).  

    I tried to get away with not having favors, because I thought they were a waste of money (still do for the most part, but we do have some beer koozie wedding favors that are perfect for the boat because IDGAF if they get ruined or lost, ha) and my mom was not having it.  I told her that if she wanted them, she could get them.   I literally have no idea what she bought as favors for our wedding.  LOL 
    We also didn’t do favors and my mom had FEELINGS about it. We still didn’t do them, but we did let people take extra bottles of champagne so I feel like that was better anyway!
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    I had a small wedding (about 30 guests).  Half of them were from out of town, but close family.  We still didn't do STDs.  But verbally told people the dates.

    We had edible favors that we thought would be really popular.  We got married in my CA home town and brought individually wrapped pralines from NOLA.  Hardly anyone ate them or took them with them (shrug).  At least we only spent $200, but it was a waste of money.
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
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    We didn't do STD's either - we were also only engaged for 6 months so we just told everyone when the wedding was when we decided on a date. Not a big deal.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    short+sassy said:
    I had a small wedding (about 30 guests).  Half of them were from out of town, but close family.  We still didn't do STDs.  But verbally told people the dates.

    We had edible favors that we thought would be really popular.  We got married in my CA home town and brought individually wrapped pralines from NOLA.  Hardly anyone ate them or took them with them (shrug).  At least we only spent $200, but it was a waste of money.
    Did you buy them from that lady who kept promising to pay rent with her praline money?
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    STARMOON44 said:
    short+sassy said:
    I had a small wedding (about 30 guests).  Half of them were from out of town, but close family.  We still didn't do STDs.  But verbally told people the dates.

    We had edible favors that we thought would be really popular.  We got married in my CA home town and brought individually wrapped pralines from NOLA.  Hardly anyone ate them or took them with them (shrug).  At least we only spent $200, but it was a waste of money.
    Did you buy them from that lady who kept promising to pay rent with her praline money?
    Good memory!  I definitely would have if she was my tenant at the time, lol.  But my H and I got married many years before that.
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