Wedding Woes

Is the stress of an 'incident' worth inviting him?

Dear Prudence,

My parents are divorced due to my dad cheating on my mom with my godmother, her (then) closest friend. My mom and I walked in on them together when I was 6 years old and she had taken me out of school early due to my being sick. Seeing them was awful and the divorce was a nightmare. My mom wanted custody split evenly, but my dad missed picking me up so regularly and would so often take me back to mom’s early that eventually she got sole custody instead. It was a really difficult time in which I felt my dad didn’t love me anymore. When I was 9, my mom married “Gareth,” my stepdad. Gareth was and is incredible—everything my dad wasn’t. He showed up for all my school events, patiently looked after me during my worst, moodiest teenage behavior and a severe mental health crisis when I was 15, and all-round has been the best father figure you could wish for. He and I are close to this day, and I love that my mom has found such a great man.

I’m getting married next spring. I of course want Gareth to walk me down the aisle. He seemed overjoyed when I asked him, and he and my mom have been enthusiastically helping me and my fiancé with wedding plans—they have offered significant financial support, for which we are deeply grateful. My dad, meanwhile, has only met my partner once, and was extremely rude to him. I wouldn’t dream of accepting financial aid from my dad even if it was ever offered, incidentally. Nonetheless, I invited my dad to my wedding and asked if he would not start a fight with my mom and Gareth if we all sat at the family table together. He agreed, then asked sharply if I was doing the “father walks you down the aisle” tradition. I said yes, and that I’d asked Gareth, as the man who raised me for most of my childhood. My dad blew up, yelling at me and saying that my mom had “stolen” me from him as a child, that she had obviously manipulated me into hating him, and that if he saw Gareth walking me down the aisle, he’d walk out of the wedding.

I was genuinely taken aback as, to be honest, my dad has never come across as particularly caring about me or being involved in my life before this—he hasn’t ever visited my home and never calls me, always expecting that I will call him and make arrangements to see him. He prioritizes his latest girlfriends over me, consistently. My fiancé thinks we should disinvite him from the wedding to prevent him causing trouble, while my mom suspects that he is all talk and wouldn’t actually leave midway through as he claims. I don’t know what to do. Part of me is weirdly touched that he even cares about this, while the rest of me is furious at his actions. I need an outside viewpoint—what do you think I should do?

— Get Me Out of Here

Re: Is the stress of an 'incident' worth inviting him?

  • Tell your dad that your decisions are final and while you understand that he doesn't need to like them he does need to respect them.  If he can't promise to behave himself then he should obviously not attend.

    I wouldn't uninvite him especially if his family is also welcome.  As I get older I also don't feel like an outburst from an obvious AH is going to do anything other than make an AH look more like an AH.  And if that's the point that the bio dad wants to make then that will be more of the issue on him.

    But if the LW doesn't invite him it does invite all the snap judgements from anyone with any kind of positive relationship with the man and then they get to field all the questions and judgments like, "Oh your father would have loved to have seen you in this,"  vs, "I'm so sorry my brother was such a turd to you." 
  • He’s not blowing up because he cares about you, his reaction is all about him and nothing about you. Don’t mistake abuse for love. 


  • mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

     Part of me is weirdly touched that he even cares about this, while the rest of me is furious at his actions. I need an outside viewpoint—what do you think I should do?

    — Get Me Out of Here

    Ok, this part troubles me. It honestly sounds to me like he is more bothered by the optics, not actually walking her down the aisle. Your dad yelled at you. Abuse isn't love. 

    Disinvite. 
    That line made me sad for the LW.  I pictured the little girl she once was, spending years wishing that her daddy cared about her and spent time with her.  It makes sense there is still a part of her with that need.

    I think the LW needs to do what she wants to do.  If she would prefer he not be there, his comment is enough to uninvite him from the wedding.

    However, I suspect she does want him there.  If so, I'd suggest she wait a few weeks.  Let him cool down and then bring up the comment.  That she wants him to be there, but not if he is potentially going to cause a scene.  If she is still getting bad vibes, then don't invite him.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • LW that one sentence makes me think you probably need some therapy 


    image
  • mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

     Part of me is weirdly touched that he even cares about this, while the rest of me is furious at his actions. I need an outside viewpoint—what do you think I should do?

    — Get Me Out of Here

    Ok, this part troubles me. It honestly sounds to me like he is more bothered by the optics, not actually walking her down the aisle. Your dad yelled at you. Abuse isn't love. 

    Disinvite. 
    That line made me sad for the LW.  I pictured the little girl she once was, spending years wishing that her daddy cared about her and spent time with her.  It makes sense there is still a part of her with that need.

    I think the LW needs to do what she wants to do.  If she would prefer he not be there, his comment is enough to uninvite him from the wedding.

    However, I suspect she does want him there.  If so, I'd suggest she wait a few weeks.  Let him cool down and then bring up the comment.  That she wants him to be there, but not if he is potentially going to cause a scene.  If she is still getting bad vibes, then don't invite him.
    That's well worded @short+sassy.  In general I'm not a fan of using the one incident like this to be the reason that an invitation isn't extended to a major life event but it can be a long line of evidence in it. 

    The bigger issue is what the LW is hoping to get out of a relationship or if she thinks this is going to lead to a low or no contact situation.  Only she can really start to get into that though. 
  • Your father cares about attention and being seen as part of the wedding. He doesn't care about you. His outrageous disrespect for you, your partner, and your stepdad is reason enough to tell him he's no longer welcome.
    image
  • I'm team FI - disinvite.

    My SIL had pretty much this exact situation in her first wedding, except that she wanted to walk down the aisle by herself. Her dad (not my FIL although they both suck) basically said that he was going to be at the top of the aisle, and if she wouldn't walk with him he'd make a scene and leave. She stood her ground and told him that if that's how you feel, it's probably best that you not come at all. He did not come and she has not heard from him since. She is much happier without his manipulative ass in her life. 

    I would applaud LW if she did the same thing. 
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards