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Oh my man, IDK.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I met the woman I thought I’d spend my life with, and we were together for four years. As we got older and her extended family died and we started talking about kids, she became much more religious. Her religion passes through the maternal line, and so she says it’s very important for her as part of the family. She eventually gave me an ultimatum: Convert or break up. I love her, but I’m an atheist and the best I would be able to do is lie my way through, which is a bad foundation for marriage. We broke up and it’s been two years, but I still miss her. Recently she reached out and said she’d changed her mind and wants to try again, and I don’t have to convert. I don’t even know how to start thinking about this. What should I do?

—Second Time Is or Isn’t a Charm

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Re: Oh my man, IDK.

  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Oof. I mean clearly they loved each other a lot and are still thinking about each other years later. If that was truly the biggest issue, then LW has some internal debating to do. If she is being honest, how do you feel about it? How do you feel about children being raised in a religion you don't believe (or maybe agree) in? What are some boundaries around this? If he's really thinking about this, then a serious talk with her is in order, and then maybe some counseling to see if this is even a viable and compatible future. 


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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It says a lot to me that they are both still pining for each other after 2 years.  I think the LW should definitely consider it.  The first thing they should do is meet and hammer out what a relationship would look like if they decide to try again.  Couples counseling could be really helpful with these conversations.  How hypothetical children would be raised should be a major topic.

    There's a new reality tv show on TLC called Forbidden Love.  The "forbidden" part for every couple except one, is that they are different religions.  Surprisingly, no one is an atheist.  I was on an interesting thread about this show a few days ago and the subject was "would you change your religion for the person you love". 

    I'm on the LW's side.  A romantic partner having a different religion or being atheist is fine for me, but I'm not going to convert for someone.  I'd even be open to going to services with them sometimes.  But it would feel morally wrong to me to convert, if I didn't share most of that religion's beliefs or knew in my heart that my beliefs were stronger for a different one.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    IDK, I'd be really hesitant.  Just b/c she's here right now, doesn't mean she will be later, even with boundaries all hammered out.  And if kids ae in the picture and suddenly she did this again?

    I am an atheist, born from religious trauma and my own skepticism.  I'm really not sure I could go back to a relationship where such a painful ultimatum happened and ever fully trust it wouldn't again.  People do change and grow, but not always together.  I think I'd probably pass and continue to work on moving on.
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