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dealing with deployments

melbelle24melbelle24 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Military Brides
I'm new to the boards around here, but my FI and I have been together for almost 3 years now. I'm used to being apart (we've been LD trom the beginning), but this is his first deployment. He's on a boat for the next 6 months. I'm used to being able to talk to him every day, and I honestly don't have any idea what to expect from this or know how to deal with it. Any advice on how to not go crazy while he's gone?
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Re: dealing with deployments

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    kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Do something for yourself. If you work, pick up more hours. If you go to school, join a club or take an extra class. Volunteer, take a community class, work out more, anything.

    Don't sit around and mope, it's the worst thing to do.
    I hate Dave Ramsey
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    rebeccaruth84rebeccaruth84 member
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    edited December 2011
    I'm just into the beginning of my FI 8 month deployment. I'm not going to lie, at first I was having a very hard time. He is in the reserves so I was used to him being around 24/7. The first week I had a very intense feeling of loneliness and was somewhat depressed. Living with my family helps though, they wouldn't let me have too much of a pity party. Hanging out with his family helps a lot too. I joined a gym and like PP said, staying busy is key. But you will have those Sat nights at home where you just wish you could be laying next to him watching a crappy movie and thats when it hits you. This is not easy, but I know we'll make it. And focusing on wedding plans helps a lot too. So thats my perspective.

    On a side note when you see your friend's facebook status about how much she misses her man cause he's away on a week of buisness or some crap, it will make you want to scream!
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    mysticlmysticl member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    My FI just got back from a 38 day underway getting ready for his next deployment.  The first few days suck.  I let myself wallow for a day and made brownies.  Then you get into your "underway routine" and how you are going to live your life without him there.   E-mail is a good thing. I curb my impulses to e-mail him everytime I think of something.  I wait to get his next one and then reply with all my news.  Unless it's something important.  Like an issue with his house that I want him to be able to answer in the next e-mail (we don't live together but I take care of his house and pets when he is gone).  The internet connection on my FI ship is poor so don't freak out if you don't get a ton of e-mails.  Somedays, they can't get a connection, some days they are busier than others and don't have time to e-mail, some days they have communication black outs.  He can call you but it's expensive so don't expect a ton of calls.  We talk for less than 15 minutes at a time but it's amazing to hear is voice.  Keep in mind he may not be able to tell you much of what he is doing for security reasons.  Sometimes, I get e-mails that say he stood watch, took a shower, and went to bed.  There was one time where I got 2 days worth of e-mails that focused on what he ate because that was apparently the only non-classified part of his day.  I read the ship's newsletter that is posted online, it's been cleared for public viewing and it helps me feel connected to what is going on with him. 

    One part I really hate is when the ship is home at it's pier but they haven't been granted liberty yet.  This time my FI had pull in duty so he couldn't leave the ship till the morning after they pulled in.  You're just like "I know he's home, I want to see him!"  But then you remind yourself that he's home and he's safe and he'll be with you soon.

    And in the mean time indulge yourself in the things that he doesn't like to do with you.  Like listening to "your" music, watching "your" tv shows and movies, going to "your" stores, cook all the foods he doesn't like, etc.  For a while I was walking 3 miles a day or trying to beat all his scores on the wii fit so he'd have to play catch up when he got back.  Curl up on the couch and read the books you have been wanting to read.  Go out with girlfriends.  Do you bake?  Send cookies, they LOVE the cookies

    And like rebecca said you will want to scream when you see those posts from your friends who are upset because their husband has to work 7 days straight (but comes home every night) or their husband won't be home for a whole hour.  Take your hands off of the keyboard, don't type the first 10 things that come to mind, don't respond at all.  They don't mean to hurt you, they just put out there what they feel.  What you are going through never entered their mind when they typed it, they may not even know about him being gone.  I don't post it for the world to see.  People close to me know when he's gone but not the whole FB world.
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    elizabethm4elizabethm4 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My husband is 11 months into a 12 month deployment (SO EXCITING!). It's rough, but you have to find something to do. I'm a student so I went on a study abroad for 5 months, it made the time fly by. Let yourself have one day to sulk, eat an entire chocolate cake, lay in bed all day, etc and then no more. Day two is time to get tough and stay busy. Good luck girl!
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    melbelle24melbelle24 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you all so much for the advice! I'm in school, which keeps me really busy during the days/weeks... but late nights and weekends always seem to kill me.  Sending cookies sounds like a great idea, I might have to try that. How do I know where to send them though? (sorry, I told y'all I was new to all this!)
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    elizabethm4elizabethm4 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    He'll be able to give you an address to send things, my husband didn't know his until he was already there, so you'll have to wait a couple of weeks to start sending things. It's really fun putting together care packages, make it a party! Invite friends over to bake cookies with you. 
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    mysticlmysticl member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Just keep in mind that you need to use a customs form to send stuff to the ship.  If you are sending something that you want to insure then you have to use the big customs form so you need to have it in a box that is big enough for the form to fit on.  I had to send FI his ipod and had it in the perfect size box, that the post office put in a much larger box so the freaking form would fit on it, since there was no way I was sending it without insurance.  This is my public service announcement to save others from the stress the post office caused me. 

    I used his spare black socks and blue t-shirts he left behind as packing material.  They are something he can use and that way I don't cause a ton of trash since the disposal options are limited onboard.  The ship's newsletter also suggested sending stuff that they can use and not just stuff that takes up space since space is very limited. 
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    Luke&Sam625Luke&Sam625
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    edited December 2011
    As a Sailor, I can promise you, as bad as it is for you, its as bad if not worse for him! Think about his situation. Hes on a Boat! seas get rough, the food.. SUCKS. Its hot. The water is nasty. it smells HORRIBLE, there are always drills and musters and its always loud (especially if he's on a carrier, flight ops can go on from 10-14 hours a day) and while underway, you work 24/7.
    I completley understand how lonely you feel, but take one moment and consider how he feels. I've been deployed on the boat for 8 months. It really sucks. Send him care packages, email him (he should be able to check it every once in a while), He can get a phone card and call you from the boat. Be strong, Stay busy, and Be faithful! Sorry if this was harsh, but I feel like sometimes, we only focus on how difficult deployments are on us, and not how rough our service member has it.
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    melbelle24melbelle24 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't doubt at all that it's just as hard on him (maybe harder, but the way my life is going these past few weeks I'm starting to doubt that), and I have thought plenty about his situation... but I can't do anything about that. I'm sorry, I know that comes out sounding a little bitchy and I swear I don't mean it that way. I just don't know how else to say it. I do realize that what he's going through is no fun, but it doesn't help me get through it any easier. And NOBODY around me has any experience with this kind of thing. That's why I was on here looking for advice. You girls are pretty awesome with the advice too, so thanks so much! It makes me feel much better. 
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    brunettechick24brunettechick24
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My fiance just left about 3 weeks ago for an 8 month deployment.  It is also my first deployment and let me tell you it has been rough!  The first couple of weeks have not gone by fast at all.  I find myself continually depressed, I've only heard from him twice since he's left, and I find myself resorting to chocolate A LOT.  Don't expect to hear from him very often, my man's a Marine and he told me he only gets 15 minutes on the computer b/c there are 3500 other Marines wanting to get online as well!   Just take it a day at a time.  I constantly write him hand-written letters, or I keep myself busy planning our wedding or working.  Finding a hobby you can busy yourself with will help time fly too.  I know this sounds nerdy, but I also get into video games, it's something that can make the hours go by VERY quickly, lol.  Something that helps me get through each day is reminding myself that it's one day closer until the next time I get to see him.  Good luck!  
    "I cannot exist without you. I am forgetful of everything but seeing you again. My life seems to stop there, I see no further. You have absorb'd me. I have a sensation at the present moment as though I were dissolving. I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for religion...I have shudder'd at it...I shudder no more. I could be martyr'd for my religion: Love is my religion. I could die for that. I could die for you. My creed is love, and you are its only tenet. You have ravish'd me away by a power I cannot resist." -letter written by John Keats Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    elcjoneselcjones
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My fiance is almost 6 months into his 12 month deployment. I must say everytime he goes I have the same feelings no matter how many times he comes and goes. But I always busy myself with work( 2 jobs), full-time school, intramural volleyball, running club, etc. Stay busy, even though when you get in a routine you will at times still feel down, but just remember like a few of the other ladies said it's definitely worse for him. I learned it during his first tour that when I'm down and he is over there it hurts him to know more than it hurts me!

    If you have family and close friends were you are at definitely spend time with them. I know they have support groups also, but from personal experience sometimes those can be quite catty. 
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    SuRfGrl81SuRfGrl81
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I know EXACTLY how you feel.  My FI had to do a 2 year tour in Japan on a fwd. deployed ship...basically meaning he's out to sea for 4 months then in for a month then back out for 4 months and in for a month....you get the pattern.  You have to have VERY GOOD communication for this to work and so far it sounds like you do.  What helped our relationship a lot was me being understand to his situation....I would email him everyday but not always get one back and not because he didn't want to but because they would sometimes lock up their email.  This is where you need to be understanding and not jump to the conclusion that he doesn't care and stuff like that.

    What also helped my FI know how much I loved him was recieving now only emails but hand written letters and care packages! His navy buddies were jelouse that he always got a package from me every 2 weeks :)

    This experience will definetly take a toll on your relationship but will also make you 2 closer to eachother...good luck! :)
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