Methodist Getting Married in Catholic Church - Have to Sign an Agreement about Kids???

nehgd9 · February 2013

Hey guys,
Need some help here. So I've been engaged since June 30th. Ever since the engagement his parents (mother) has been a nightmare which can happen and I get it. It sucks. I have had to put my foot down multiple times with his mom not driving a wedge between us. It's really been on thing after another. What I need help with now is this....

When we first got together he claimed he grew up Catholic, but was more agnostic. I grew up Methodist, Baptist, and really just Christian period. Since we have been engaged, he has decided to adopt the Catholic religion again. I'm not upset about this as I would rather him believe in SOMETHING than nothing at all. This is the 2nd biggest wedge between us as he keeps diving more and more into the religion and making demands of me. I have compromised my dream beach wedding for a Catholic church wedding. While I have some questionable family members that I would rather not have a chance in hell coming to my wedding (which explains why I want a destination) we were only able to compromise on a wedding 4 hours away. I cannot write my own vows in the Catholic Church...not a huge deal just one more thing. Everything is so traditional and set in stone that it's a little heartbreaking that I can't have the wedding I want.

All of that aside, it's important for him to have it in the Catholic Church, so it's just as important to me to fulfill his wishes. We are in our Pre-Cana classes and a huge ball was just dropped upon us...I have to sign an agreement to raise my kids Catholic???? When I said no the priest said he refuses to marry us unless I change my mind. Neither of us knew this was going to be asked of us. Now my fiance doesn't think we really "know" eachother and thinks we don't want the same things. My opinions of children and church have always been laid out there, he changed. My problem is not that we are raising them Catholic, the thing is that I don't want that to be the ONLY choice and my own church not be allowed. I don't believe in baptizing babies is the biggest thing and I want my children to be able to be raised in both churches. Come on, it's 2013....Catholics and Methodists are both CHRISTIAN and we both believe in the same main guys. Why can't this work? Sad face.

I hope there is someone out there with a good opinion and personal experience because I feel like my whole world is ending.

MizLizz · February 2013

First of all, some of the posters on the Catholic Board think I am heretic, but you will have to judge for yourself.

Let me tell you about a relative of a relative. John, a Catholic, married Marsha, a non-Catholic. Marsha agreed to raise the kids Catholic. John travelled a lot in his job, while Marsha stayed home with the kids. Sooner or later, the kids started asking questions about God, religion, Catholics, etc., For many of the Catjholic-related questions Marsha didn't know the answers and her husband wasn't around to answer. them In retrospect Marsha said that she wished she had raised the children in her denomination;. She was the principal caretaker of the children and she was responsbile for their religious upbringing in a demonination that she wasn't a member.

Back in the 1970s when I was in college and the Catholic Church was more flexible, I took a marriage class. The priest who taught the class (it was for a theology requirement) said when it came to interfaith couples, it was easier when both was active in their respective demoninations as opposed to when one partner was an active participant and other an inactive participant. He said that when both parties were active members they could respect each other's beliefs. The problem with one active/one inactive was when a child reaches the age of a rite of passage (First Communion, Confirmation, a Bar/Bat Mitzvah); all of sudden the inactive partner "finds" his/her old religion and then trouble ensues.

To be honest, I think there is more to your story. I worry about your fiance's 180-degree turn when it comes to his practicing religion, about his demands and his inability to see where you are coming from. Please I think you both need counseling and to think this through carefully.

I wish you only the best and you and your fiance will be in my thoughts and prayers.

nehgd9 · February 2013

You are absolutely right about there being more to the story. His parents have done much more than giving their respective input and ultimately became a sort of demanding. I'm afraid his wishes are lost in what he wants vs. what his parents want for him and he is just lost in the mix. It's unfortunate that he doesn't try to want anything for himself and tries to make others happy.

I've constantly said since our engagement that I will compromise as long as this is what you want and it's important to you. This was when we were deciding on the church. While I really wanted to get married on a beach, I have the upmost respect for those who want it to be in a church and I also do believe it's important to be married in a house of God. So when we decided on a church at first he said it was for his family and then when I made the comment that it's about what he wants, well then he changed his mind.

What's interesting is that we are both inactive. I understand that major events make some want to adopt their churches even more. At the same time, just bwho is ecause practice in public, doesn't mean I don't practice at all by myself. You are absolutely right with your comment about someone trying to all of a sudden "find" their religion. When this happened is when all the trouble started.

Unfortunately we have also had to deal with many mom issues. It doesn't help that my fiance is having trouble deciding to support me rather than his mom on everything. I wish his parents were as kind as my Dad and say, "What do you kids want...that's all that's important here. We have already had our weddings." All I want right now is to elope.

Thank you for the insight and kind thoughts.

MizLizz · February 2013

It is probably none of my business, but...

Has he compromised in any way? Or better yet, has given in to any of your requests?

Cliched as it sounds, you are not marrying a man, you are marryiing a family

I don't want to rain on your rain but sometimes love isn't enough to make a marriage work. Please consider counselling or least postponing the wedding until you both understand what you are both getting into

MizLizz · February 2013

I just read the postings on the Catholic board. I am sorry to read that the engagement has ended. I just wish I could sprinkle stardust and make all the pain go away. I wish that I could say something wise, profound and/or consoling

Again, you and your former fiance are in my thoughts and prayers.

hyechica81 · April 2013

i have similar issues i am christian Armenian apistolic orthodox and my fi is catholic. i agreed to his church but we are hitting sumbling blocks due to our reception time and church ending..... have not meet with his priest yet but.... my compromis was ill marry in your church and if we have kids they will be raised and baptized in my church i hope i dont have to sign any papers as i wont. my mom had to sign them in the 70s beacuse she was not catholic and had a hard time with my dads priest... when my youngest brother turned 4 my mom said that she wanted us to go to her church as and my dad had no issues with it.

my opinion is priest in general should be a little lax about things its 2013

i am sorry your engagment ended

chaiteachick · May 2013

I'm so sorry!

I wish I could have seen this sooner; my dad's family is Catholic, and my mom's is Lutheran, and they made their relationship work.

You can message me if you need to talk about anything. Best of luck, and again, I'm so sorry that this had to happen.

Methodist Getting Married in Catholic Church - Have to Sign an Agreement about Kids???

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