Wedding Etiquette Forum

"Alternative" Maid of Honor

So, I'm having a very formal wedding this February.  It's in a beautiful church at The University of the Incarnate Word here in San Antonio...probably the most ornate church we have in town.  It's an evening wedding and we are going all out. 

I have a Maid of Honor (older sister), Matron of Honor (little sister) and two bridesmaids (my best friends).  My problem is that my older sister, whom I love with all my heart, is an artist with a very creative style.  I actually love how she dresses and does her hair...it's a different color every time I see her, and I love her bold attitude.

However, the rest of us are very conservative in style and will be very much fitting in with the elegant theme.  My sister has joked more than once about getting a shoulder tattoo to compliment the way the dress looks in the back. 

Again - I love, love, love my sister, but I don't want bright orange hair (definitely a possibility) and the alternative style to be a distraction from the ceremony (or from me!)  Is there a polite and tender way I can guide her towards toning it down?  Or should I just give it up and let whatever happens happen?

................................

EDIT: I may have written poorly...I certainly didn't intend to say anything to deserve some of the hurtful and ugly responses I got.  I do love my sister for who she is and wouldn't have asked her to be in the wedding if I felt differently.

Sometimes her hair is dyed a natural color and sometimes it's hot pink.  Of course, I'd prefer it to look natural at the wedding and I guess that's what I should have said.  I was really just asking for "advice", which is what I thought these boards were for.  Whatever she ends up doing, I'll get over it, but thank you anyway.
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Re: "Alternative" Maid of Honor

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alternative-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2179c100-63ce-4f83-8120-82027992d8cbPost:b9a2a496-b75f-4429-b349-2d85f2d17d4f">"Alternative" Maid of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, I'm having a very formal wedding this February.  It's in a beautiful church at The University of the Incarnate Word here in San Antonio...probably the most ornate church we have in town.  It's an evening wedding and we are going all out.  I have a Maid of Honor (older sister), Matron of Honor (little sister) and two bridesmaids (my best friends).  My problem is that my older sister, whom I love with all my heart, is an artist with a very creative style.  I actually love how she dresses and does her hair...it's a different color every time I see her, and I love her bold attitude. However, the rest of us are very conservative in style and will be very much fitting in with the elegant theme.  My sister has joked more than once about getting a shoulder tattoo to compliment the way the dress looks in the back.  Again - I love, love, love my sister, but I don't want bright orange hair (definitely a possibility) and the alternative style to be a distraction from the ceremony (or from me!)  Is there a polite and tender way I can guide her towards toning it down? <strong> Or should I just give it up and let whatever happens happen?</strong>
    Posted by hummingbird625[/QUOTE]

    Yes, you should.
  • Give it up.  If pretty pictures are more important to you than having your sister stand up with you as she is then...that just sucks.
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  • Just let it go.  Orange, blue, pink or a big F U shaved into her hair still won't detract from the beautifulness that will be your wedding. 
    Just be thankful you have a sister who will be standing beside you at your wedding. 

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  • You don't have the right to ask her to "tone" down. Let it be.

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  • It will not distract from your wedding.

    If, for some odd reason, a guest is distracted, that is their problem, not yours or your sister's.
  • You love your sister for who she is and all that she is with bright orange hair, tattoos and all.  Just let it be!  You wouldn't want to look back at your pictures and wonder who that girl who looks nothing like your sister is standing next to you would you? :oP
  • Really? There have been so many questions like this lately, I'm starting to question things.
     
    I could see if your sister was a teenager going through a phase that she just started, and wanting to make her seem more conventional for the wedding because when she looks at the pictures one day she would be embarrassed, but if she is an adult and has always used her hair/make-up/tattoos as an expression of herself, I wouldn't want her to have a conventional look for the wedding.
  • I thought this was going to be about having an alternate MOH in case the first one ODed or got fat or something.  Disappointment. 
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  • that biitch needs to tone it down - it's YOUR day, NOT a day for your family and friends to be paying attention to the hair color of the week.

    Just kidding. She's your SISTER. You love her, there is no "but" there is no changing her. Wouldn't it be weird to look at your pictures 10 years from now and know you pissed your sister off royally by either kicking her out of your wedding or asking her to look like a Stepford Wife?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alternative-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2179c100-63ce-4f83-8120-82027992d8cbPost:0be3f798-7099-4425-b36c-822dcbc29747">Re: "Alternative" Maid of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Just another thought, knowing that you are having a "very formal wedding" and aside from the tattoo comment, you may find that she surprises you and tones it down by her own choice.</strong> But like PPs have said - she's who she is and that's why you love her.  Don't ask her to change for the wedding, then she won't be who you love.
    Posted by kjhowd[/QUOTE]


    Oh, and this.
  • If you want to fit with "the elegant theme" then be elegant and let it go.
  • My dear, this is the wrong board to post this question (i.e. those will be the type of responses you're gonna get, no one tries to understand).  You will be much better off in your club board or local board (assuming that they will be much more understanding, mine are!) :)  Good luck!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alternative-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2179c100-63ce-4f83-8120-82027992d8cbPost:fe1df006-1c8b-4960-8941-95d8e2863167">Re: "Alternative" Maid of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]My dear, this is the wrong board to post this question (i.e. those will be the type of responses you're gonna get, no one tries to understand).  <strong>You will be much better off in your club board or local board (assuming that they will be much more understanding, mine are!) :)  Good luck!
    </strong>Posted by wrdgirl[/QUOTE]

    Oh come OFF it.  Her OP stated that she wanted her own sister to "tone it down" in regards to her appearance so she would fit into some elegant bridesmaid mold that she's created in her mind.  There's no misunderstanding.  Everyone fully understood what she asked, and responded accordingly. 
  • Hurtful and ugly?  Where?

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alternative-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2179c100-63ce-4f83-8120-82027992d8cbPost:fd503452-9682-45d9-9fd8-b6de58c49c53">Re: "Alternative" Maid of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hurtful and ugly?  Where?
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    I think that's code for "responses that don't validate my absurd request." 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alternative-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2179c100-63ce-4f83-8120-82027992d8cbPost:fe1df006-1c8b-4960-8941-95d8e2863167">Re: "Alternative" Maid of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]My dear, this is the wrong board to post this question (i.e. those will be the type of responses you're gonna get, no one tries to understand).  You will be much better off in your club board or local board (assuming that they will be much more understanding, mine are!) :)  Good luck!
    Posted by wrdgirl[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yes. You will have a much easier time posting your question where everyone will tell you exactly what you want to hear. </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alternative-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2179c100-63ce-4f83-8120-82027992d8cbPost:58063f3b-0193-4b3a-af03-1ab66dfec7ea">Re: "Alternative" Maid of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]Personally I love the idea of a girl with hot pink hair and tattoos juxtaposed with a super fancy ornate church. I bet the photos of her will be fantastic. 
    Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

    Totally agree. I think it would make for more interesting photos.

    She's your sister. Love her, tatts and all.
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  • OP: As a someone who has had the flaming orange hair, currently has tattoos, and a sister, I think I can say that in no way will she intentionally try to steal your thunder. And I might get some flack for this but, if she really does change her hair regularly I would take that to mean she probably doesn't identify herself by her hair color. So why not choose a hair color you're ok with and offer it as a suggestion. Kinda like "Hey I was at the store the other day and thought this might look great for the wedding". It gives her an idea of what you'd like to see but doesn't demand anything. As for the tattoo thing, I would say that to my sister are a joke but probably wouldn't be serious. I wouldn't worry about that until she says, Hey I just made the appointment for my new back tattoo!
  • I think OP and I might have the same sister...but I actually can't wait to see what color my sister chooses for the wedding day!

    Seriously, just let it go...she may surprise you and go a more traditional route with her hair color...or not...but it is not something you should be worrying about.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alternative-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2179c100-63ce-4f83-8120-82027992d8cbPost:48aed112-e6ab-4e5b-96d1-bc437c6a914b">Re: "Alternative" Maid of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Alternative" Maid of Honor : OMG - THANK YOU.  You are the only person who has said anything helpful.  It's a great suggestion and I might just use it!  My sister and I have such a great relationship and the very last thing I would ever want to do is offend her in any way.  Thank you!!!!!
    Posted by hummingbird625[/QUOTE]

    omg like you should totes bring a box of hair dye home to your nasty sister and tell her to dye it that color!  make it poop brown so you stand out - its your day after all.  YAY!!!!!!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alternative-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2179c100-63ce-4f83-8120-82027992d8cbPost:c26736f8-835e-4d67-b5be-336c6eed8ca9">Re: "Alternative" Maid of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh ok - you're right. Thanks everyone!  Your personal attacks were most helpful and I am wrong to be offended! No matter how much I stated that I love my sister and her style and that I wouldn't have asked her to be my MOH if I didn't  - you really were all so perceptive in your ability to see into my dark and judgmental thoughts!  You found me out!
    Posted by hummingbird625[/QUOTE]

    You are so worried what people will think that you actually considered asking her to change what she looks like. Think about that and maybe you'll understand why you got the replies that you did.
    It's not just about love, it's about acceptance. You love her, now accept her.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alternative-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2179c100-63ce-4f83-8120-82027992d8cbPost:c26736f8-835e-4d67-b5be-336c6eed8ca9">Re: "Alternative" Maid of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh ok - you're right. Thanks everyone!  Your personal attacks were most helpful and I am wrong to be offended! No matter how much I stated that I love my sister and her style and that I wouldn't have asked her to be my MOH if I didn't  - you really were all so perceptive in your ability to see into my dark and judgmental thoughts!  You found me out!
    Posted by hummingbird625[/QUOTE]

    Not everyone personally attacked you...telling you to let it go isn't a personal attack, it is just some advice.
  • <div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alternative-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2179c100-63ce-4f83-8120-82027992d8cbPost:c26736f8-835e-4d67-b5be-336c6eed8ca9">Re: "Alternative" Maid of Honor</a>:</div>[QUOTE]Oh ok - you're right. Thanks everyone!  Your personal attacks were most helpful and I am wrong to be offended! No matter how much I stated that I love my sister and her style and that I wouldn't have asked her to be my MOH if I didn't  - you really were all so perceptive in your ability to see into my dark and judgmental thoughts!  You found me out!
    Posted by hummingbird625[/QUOTE]

    <div>Sweetheart, no one personally attacked you. I actually re-read the entire thread just to be sure. If you think THAT was attacking, you are going to need much thicker skin to be able to handle yourself in real life. </div><div>
    </div><div>Have a wonderful, elegant and beautiful wedding.</div>
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  • OP: You need to let it go, like most of the PP's have said. If she does mean that much to you, you wouldn't want to dictate what she can and cannot look like. Even though you may not like our responses b/c they aren't what you want to hear, frankly that is a LOT better than actually DOING what you intended and possibly really offending your sister. Your relationship with her should be more important than a wedding picture. If you don't like honest to goodness advice, then don't come on the boards to ask the questions. I get the feeling that you were going to do what you wanted anyways no matter what we said, so why bother asking?


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alternative-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2179c100-63ce-4f83-8120-82027992d8cbPost:feb4f244-16cd-4ed2-a47c-f3a10812ee76">Re: "Alternative" Maid of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]I thought this was going to be about having an alternate MOH in case the first one ODed or got fat or something.  Disappointment. 
    Posted by marriedfilingjointly[/QUOTE]

    I thought it was going to be about a dude. Like a Man of Honor. Or better yet, a male-to-female transgendered MOH.

    PS, OP, one of my BMs is "alternative" in the fact that she has facial piercings and has had colored hair in the past. She's had black hair for a few years and is itching to dye it blue again. She said that SHE wanted to put off doing that for my wedding. The key being that she told me all this voluntarily. However, if your sister currently has orange hair, I don't see that you'll have much luck convincing her otherwise.
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  • Robyn5298Robyn5298 member
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    edited December 2010
    Hummingbird - I had a very traditional wedding, have no tattoos, and the wildest thing I've ever done to my hair was a few conservative blonde highlights.  Every single one of my bridesmaids had tattoos and one of them had purple streaks in her hair.  It turned out fine.  Even the most conservative of my family members didn't criticize the tats / hair color.  Know what they did clutch their pearls at?  My balding friend who wore a baseball cap during dinner.  I didn't even notice because I've never seen him without said cap.

    Moral of the story - let your friends and family be who they are, whether it suits your style or not.  If you can learn to let that stuff go you'll be much happier - I promise!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alternative-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2179c100-63ce-4f83-8120-82027992d8cbPost:48aed112-e6ab-4e5b-96d1-bc437c6a914b">Re: "Alternative" Maid of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Alternative" Maid of Honor : OMG - THANK YOU.  You are the only person who has said anything helpful.
    Posted by hummingbird625[/QUOTE]

    Ummm WTF. I would be so glad to never see you post on this board again.
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  • stop trying to get your loved ones to match your decor. They are humans, not decorations.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alternative-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2179c100-63ce-4f83-8120-82027992d8cbPost:1d1e4b58-9386-45ff-9908-81fde8133d00">Re: "Alternative" Maid of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think OP and I might have the same sister...but I actually can't wait to see what color my sister chooses for the wedding day!
    Posted by ogrady88[/QUOTE]

    Awww I like you. :)
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  • So here is MY two cents... I am THAT sister in our family :) I was my sisters MOH when i was 16, as well as her sons godmother much later on in life(just another important "stand up with me" situtation). my hair has been every color under the sun. Its also been cut into short spiky mohawks. Personally, i knew that my sister in no way was like that, and also had a very formal wedding. I took it upon myself to make sure things were tamed down for her events. She didnt have to ask me, but if she had I personally wouldnt have taken it in a bad way. Just sit down with her, and tell her. who knows...she might even laugh about it.
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