Paring down the guest list

kateguess22 · December 2011

Hello! Something that is on my mind a lot is our guest list. It's a little bit complicated and stressful so I wanted to see if anyone wouldn't mind giving me some advice and opinions.

What I really want (and my fiance even moreso!) is a very small, intimate wedding. We both agree that we want our wedding to be family only and not invite any of our friends or co-workers.

My fiance only wants to invite his immediate family on his side- his mom, dad, sister, sister's boyfriend, and step-sister. In addition to my immediate family, I can't imagine not inviting my two grandmothers who mean the world to me! I'd love to just leave it there but it feels SO WRONG to not invite my Aunt who lives with my grandma. I love this aunt and it would be so awkward to not have her there with my grandma. And I do want her there.

Okay....

But then I feel like I should also invite my other aunts & uncles since I would be inviting her. I have four other sets of aunt and uncles other than her. And two of these aunts and uncles have two adult kids each (my cousins) so I'm not sure that I could not invite them if I'm inviting their parents. As well, that first aunt that I mentioned has two adult kids (my two cousins) so I feel that I may need to invite them as well. And all of their dates? Plus, one of my cousins has kids in their late teens so maybe I need to invite them as well, and their dates? This original aunt that I mentioned also has a boyfriend that I wonder if I need to invite?

So how do I feel about these people? Well, I love them. They're my family. The main reasons that we want a small, intimate wedding is because we love the simplicity, low-budget, and low-stress plus the strong intimacy and how it will feel like the wedding is more about the two of us than other people. Although I love these family members I am not very close with them and don't see them very often. I feel like after the wedding we'd go back to rarely seeing each other while I am leaving close friends out of the wedding to invite these less close people- and possibly their dates who I don't know at all!

I mainly stress about this on these levels:
1.) I feel like I should over-invite rather than under-invite. I don't want to be stressed out about being rude or upsetting people. It would be easier to just invite everyone and that's just how it is.
2.) It makes me confused to figure out where I can appropriately draw the line and where I can't. Should I invite my cousins but not have them bring dates?

One idea that I have is to invite just our 'immediate families and my grandmothers' and tell that to people so hopefully they understand why they were not invited because we want a really intimate wedding and have that one aunt come because she lives with my grandma and my grandma is elderly so she is coming as my grandmother's guest. That way I could have her there without having to invite all of my other aunts and uncles? Or should I just invite everyone? And what about dates? I know that I wouldn't like to be invited to a wedding and not be allowed to bring a date- but then we're going to have so many strangers at our wedding and no close friends. Ack! Although part of me believes that most of them will probably decline the invite since they are busy and not local?

It's so hard! My fiance wants me to figure out who I really want there. He is happy with whatever I figure out. He prefers small. After all, he's only having his immediate family and that is it- but his extended family is completely out of touch with him whereas mine come around for some holidays, weddings, get-togethers, etc.

Anyone who takes the time to read this and give me their opinion is awesome and appreciated! Thank you in advance!

Loopyseven · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_paring-down-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:956e1514-65dd-422c-8909-1ac6a48ee6f1Post:9e7aba47-7f7c-4dd4-a1fa-a0847ef09bdb">Paring down the guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello! Something that is on my mind a lot is our guest list. It's a little bit complicated and stressful so I wanted to see if anyone wouldn't mind giving me some advice and opinions. What I really want (and my fiance even moreso!) is a very small, intimate wedding. We both agree that we want our wedding to be family only and not invite any of our friends or co-workers. My fiance only wants to invite his immediate family on his side- his mom, dad, sister, sister's boyfriend, and step-sister. In addition to my immediate family, I can't imagine not inviting my two grandmothers who mean the world to me! I'd love to just leave it there but it feels SO WRONG to not invite my Aunt who lives with my grandma. I love this aunt and it would be so awkward to not have her there with my grandma. And I do want her there. Okay.... But then I feel like I should also invite my other aunts & uncles since I would be inviting her. I have four other sets of aunt and uncles other than her. And two of these aunts and uncles have two adult kids each (my cousins) so I'm not sure that I could not invite them if I'm inviting their parents. As well, that first aunt that I mentioned has two adult kids (my two cousins) so I feel that I may need to invite them as well. And all of their dates? Plus, one of my cousins has kids in their late teens so maybe I need to invite them as well, and their dates? This original aunt that I mentioned also has a boyfriend that I wonder if I need to invite? So how do I feel about these people? Well, I love them. They're my family. The main reasons that we want a small, intimate wedding is because we love the simplicity, low-budget, and low-stress plus the strong intimacy and how it will feel like the wedding is more about the two of us than other people. Although I love these family members I am not very close with them and don't see them very often. I feel like after the wedding we'd go back to rarely seeing each other while I am leaving close friends out of the wedding to invite these less close people- and possibly their dates who I don't know at all! I mainly stress about this on these levels: 1.) I feel like I should over-invite rather than under-invite. I don't want to be stressed out about being rude or upsetting people. It would be easier to just invite everyone and that's just how it is. 2.) It makes me confused to figure out where I can appropriately draw the line and where I can't. Should I invite my cousins but not have them bring dates? One idea that I have is to<strong> invite just our 'immediate families and my grandmothers' and tell that to people so hopefully they understand why they were not invited because we want a really intimate wedding and have that one aunt come because she lives with my grandma and my grandma is elderly so she is coming as my grandmother's guest.</strong> That way I could have her there without having to invite all of my other aunts and uncles? Or should I just invite everyone? And what about dates? I know that I wouldn't like to be invited to a wedding and not be allowed to bring a date- but then we're going to have so many strangers at our wedding and no close friends. Ack! Although part of me believes that most of them will probably decline the invite since they are busy and not local? It's so hard! My fiance wants me to figure out who I really want there. He is happy with whatever I figure out. He prefers small. After all, he's only having his immediate family and that is it- but his extended family is completely out of touch with him whereas mine come around for some holidays, weddings, get-togethers, etc. Anyone who takes the time to read this and give me their opinion is awesome and appreciated! Thank you in advance!
Posted by kateguess22[/QUOTE]

<div>Holy long... I kinda read it. You are probably fine with the bolded part. There is nothing wrong or offensive about keeping it small. As for guests - anyone in a relationship should be allowed to bring their SO regardless of whether you know the SO or not. If they are truly single, no need to allow a plus one.</div>

kateguess22 · December 2011

Thank you! I know, I apologize for how long this is. lol.

cebrady89 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_paring-down-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:956e1514-65dd-422c-8909-1ac6a48ee6f1Post:9e7aba47-7f7c-4dd4-a1fa-a0847ef09bdb">Paring down the guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello! Something that is on my mind a lot is our guest list. It's a little bit complicated and stressful so I wanted to see if anyone wouldn't mind giving me some advice and opinions. What I really want (and my fiance even moreso!) is a very small, intimate wedding. We both agree that we want our wedding to be family only and not invite any of our friends or co-workers. My fiance only wants to invite his immediate family on his side- his mom, dad, sister, sister's boyfriend, and step-sister. In addition to my immediate family, I can't imagine not inviting my two grandmothers who mean the world to me! I'd love to just leave it there but it feels SO WRONG to not invite my Aunt who lives with my grandma. I love this aunt and it would be so awkward to not have her there with my grandma. And I do want her there. Okay.... <strong>But then I feel like I should also invite my other aunts & uncles since I would be inviting her.</strong> I have four other sets of aunt and uncles other than her. And two of these aunts and uncles have two adult kids each (my cousins) so I'm <strong>not sure that I could not invite them if I'm inviting their parents</strong>. As well, that first aunt that I mentioned has two adult kids (my two cousins) so I feel that I may need to invite them as well. And all of their dates? Plus, one of my cousins has kids in their late teens so maybe I need to invite them as well, and their dates? This <strong>original aunt that I mentioned also has a boyfriend that I wonder if I need to invite</strong>? So how do I feel about these people? Well, I love them. They're my family. The main reasons that we want a small, intimate wedding is because we love the simplicity, low-budget, and low-stress plus the strong intimacy and how it will feel like the wedding is more about the two of us than other people. Although I love these family members I am not very close with them and don't see them very often. I feel like after the wedding we'd go back to rarely seeing each other while I am leaving close friends out of the wedding to invite these less close people- and possibly their dates who I don't know at all! I mainly stress about this on these levels: 1.)<strong> I feel like I should over-invite rather than under-invite. I don't want to be stressed out about being rude or upsetting people. It would be easier to just invite everyone and that's just how it is</strong>. 2.) It makes me confused to figure out where I can appropriately draw the line and where I can't. Should I invite my cousins but not have them bring dates? <strong>One idea that I have is to invite just our 'immediate families and my grandmothers' </strong>and tell that to people so hopefully they understand why they were not invited because we want a really intimate wedding and have that one aunt come because she lives with my grandma and my grandma is elderly so she is coming as my grandmother's guest. That way I could have her there without having to invite all of my other aunts and uncles? Or should I just invite everyone? And what about dates? I know that I wouldn't like to be invited to a wedding and not be allowed to bring a date- but then we're going to have so many strangers at our wedding and no close friends. Ack! Although part of me believes that most of them will probably decline the invite since they are busy and not local? It's so hard! My fiance wants me to figure out who I really want there. He is happy with whatever I figure out. He prefers small. After all, he's only having his immediate family and that is it- but <strong>his extended family is completely out of touch with him whereas mine come around for some holidays, weddings, get-togethers, etc.</strong> Anyone who takes the time to read this and give me their opinion is awesome and appreciated! Thank you in advance!
Posted by kateguess22[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Whew! That was a lot of reading, but here's what I think:</div><div>
</div><div>first bold: You don't HAVE to invite those other aunts and uncles, but if you feel that they would be offended if you only invite one aunt, then reconsider it. It would only be 8 more people, and they might not all come.</div><div>
</div><div>second bold: You do not need to invite your cousins, their dates, or their kids. If you want to keep it small, there's no reason to invite your cousins just because they're related to the aunts/uncles you want. With that logic, you'd start inviting EVERYONE, and you already said you want it small, so just skip the cousins. If you want them there, no problem. Their kids don't have to be invited, their spouses/significant others DO.</div><div>
</div><div>third bold: Yes, you need to invite the aunt's boyfriend, even if she brings your grandmother.</div><div>
</div><div>fourth bold: Here's where I'm confused. If you want to invite everyone, you can! Not everyone will be able to attend most likely, and your numbers would still be very small - small enough to still be an intimate wedding. Think about it, you said that you get together with these people for holidays - do those holidays feel like giant, huge crowds, or intimate gatherings with family? I think if you DO choose to invite everyone you want, you can still have that small wedding feeling. </div><div>
</div><div>fifth bold: you could definitely invite parents, siblings, and grandparents, and then no aunts or other relatives. It wouldn't be awful to invite the one aunt, but she should have a guest other than your grandma, and other family might be upset. I'm sure that if transportation is an issue, another family member who is attending could bring grandma to the weding.</div><div>
</div><div>last bold: So he wants a small wedding because he doesn't have close family to begin with, am I right? If that's the case, you two just need to talk over your reasons for wanting the wedding to be small. If it's causing you this much trouble and stress over like 20 people, I think you and your fiance should really define what you're thinking of as a small wedding. You said he's okay with whatever you choose, so just figure out what you actually want to do.</div><div>
</div><div>You have a lot of options here, and really you're not thinking about a huge number of people here. Who do you want at your wedding? Ask yourself that question, and go from there. It can be small and intimate without being just parents. </div><div>
</div><div>I think you're just overthinking it.</div><div>
</div><div>Hope this helps, good luck :)</div>

bmoruzzi · December 2011

Holy cow. I read all that. I like the response above. If it were me, I'd invite your aunts and uncles, and leave the cut off there. No cousins. Def invite your aunt's boyfriend.

StephBeanWed61502 · December 2011

I just wanted to chime in and say that I don't think "small" and "intimate" are necessarily the same thing. My FI and I are inviting around 150 people, but frankly, that's "intimate" for us because that number includes only family and close friends. To me, "intimate" is more about being surrounded by people who care about you and support your marriage, however many people that works out to be. That may be 20 people, or 50 people, or 150 people. If it's a matter of finances, that's one thing, but if you can afford to host everyone you want to invite, my vote is to invite them.

That said, to the extent that you are excluding people, it's generally considered most polite to do so in circles - for example "all the aunts and uncles but no cousins" or "all cousins but none of the cousins' kids" is better than picking and choosing among aunts and uncles, or cousins, KWIM?

Kate61487 · January 2012

I'm more or less with cebrady, except I think if your aunt is coming as Grandma's plus one she does NOT need her own date. (maybe I'm wrong here, but It just seems silly to me....)

If you really truly want a small intimate gathering I think it's fine to include grandmas (grandparents, to me, are a part of immediate family) and NOT invite any aunts/uncles. You can give grandma an "and guest" so she can choose her escort.

But like cebrady said if you WANT your aunts/uncles there that's fine too. Likewise if you WANT your cousins there. Anyone who's in a relationship, of any duration or serious-ness needs to be invited with their SO (aunt, IMO is different because she's coming as g-ma's guest, but if you're inviting her on her own her bf should be invited too, KWIM?). It's fine to draw the line at a clear circle (no aunts/uncles, no cousins, no cousins kids, etc.) As for the cousins' kids in their late teens - a 17 yo doesn't need a date to a family wedding, period. A 19 yo, only if they have a bf/gf.

Good luck! in the end it's really just about what you and FI want and can afford; have fun!

kateguess22 · January 2012

Wow thank you so much for reading my long ramble and taking the time to write me back! I feel like I have a lot to think about, and right now I'm still not sure how I feel. I totally agree StephBean, you can have a very 'intimate' feeling wedding even with a lot of guests- but I love to picture a wedding way smaller than the average one. I like to imagine one group around a long table all eating dinner together at the reception with us. I like to imagine no wedding party. I like to imagine that when we take our vows it's just us and our closest family. I really don't know why this appeals to me (and to my fiance) but it just seems like us. I guess it is partially because my FI does not have as much family as I do, but it also genuinely suits us to have a small, simple, wedding that is romantic and toned down. Maybe having a party later to celebrate with friends and family
I guess the hard part is that I hate to think of being rude- I read the knot forums a lot and I care about manners and etiquette and all of that kind of thing and since my idea is non-traditional I don't find it black-and-white what to do. I don't want to be stressing out over who is either judging us or feeling hurt by us to be honest so I'm tempted to just invite everyone.
At this point I'm leaning toward what kate61 suggested with just my grandmas and my one aunt. (ps Kate61 your photos are so gorgeous) I want to do what is most 'simple' but part of me wonders if trying to be so simple is actually making things way more complicated. I guess I'll have to think about it. Maybe talk to my mom and MIL to get their opinions.
Thanks again for taking the time to advise me. I really appreciate it.

ginadog · January 2012

I was kind of along the same lines as invite one aunt, you have to invite them all, etc. We went with just immediate family, their SO/kids, then close friends. I love my grammie but she's not going to get on a plane to see my married, so it's easier to leave some people off the list due to the distance.

PinkRoseAcct · January 2012

Until my grandmother passed away last year, my aunt would take her everywhere. She would drive 2 hours to the nursing home, and then bring her back at the end of the day - sometimes spending up to 10 hours on the road so Grandma could be somewhere. Aunt M also would take it upon herself to invite herself to any function Grandma was invited to, as her companion. She wouldn't take no for an answer. So, there were a few functions, related to extended family, where my mom, her brother and sisters, were not invited, but this aunt would go. There were alot of hurt feelings between my mom, her other two sisters, and her brother, becuase of it.

CN: Invite all aunts/uncles, or none. Don't let just the one come.

midgemoto · January 2012

Invite only those your heart tells you to and have a nice video made and sent out as an announcement after the fact...

Paring down the guest list

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