Help with my mother? (long)

colleenetman · July 2012

So here's the story:

I got engaged to my FI last December, the wedding is this December (five months from today). At that point, we had been dating for 15 months, and unofficially living together for awhile. The thing is, we're both in college. We're both 20, will be 21 on the wedding date. My parents are both insisting that I am too young to be married. That's fine, I can respect their opinions, but I disagree and want to be married to my FI before we move away to grad school next spring (also, my dad married my mom at 19, so he can't really talk). I am financially independent, and my FI and I have our own apartment and pay our own bills, so it's not like I need my parents to support me, at least financially. My FI and I are also covering the costs of the wedding, so I'm not asking them to pay for it.

The problem is, my mother has (in my opinion) severely overreacted. My dad said I was too young but it's my decision, but my mom has started refusing to acknowledge that I'm getting married. She tells people I'm not getting married until March even though I told her it was December. I called to ask her her family's addresses so I could send out save the dates and she refused to talk to me. This was two months ago. She talks to me about other things, but if you bring up the wedding she goes beserk, yelling and refusing to talk about it. I talked to my dad about it and he said he honestly thinks there's a chance she won't show up to the wedding. Also, I can't send out save the dates because I have no way of getting them to her family, and I wanted to send them out two months ago. However, if my mom is not going to attend, I will not be inviting her family (with whom I am on poor terms).

I don't know what to do because I literally cannot talk to her, every time I try she shuts it down. I need to at least get the save the dates out soon, but I don't know if I should send them to her family if there's a chance that my mom won't come, and I can't even send them until I can talk to her about it.

Please give some advice!

salt78 · July 2012

Why would you want to invite people you are on poor terms with? Honestly, if I were you I'd elope to somewhere tropical and be done with it. I'm sorry your mom is giving you a hard time.

jodiemariecooksley · July 2012

Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions. If all of this is causing you so much stress and grief then maybe reconsider your wedding plans and maybe do something more low key. I agree with PP. You don't need to worry about having people there that you know aren't going to support you and only have those close to you who are going to bring good energy to your union.

egm900 · July 2012

1) You don't need to send everyone a STD. You will need to invite everyone to the wedding that receives a STD, but can invite more people than received a STD.

2) Sounds like you need to just not talk to your mom about the wedding for now. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you don't really need to talk to her at this point. If she won't talk to you about it later when you need to send invitations, then those people won't be invited (which it doesn't sound like you're upset about). If mom's upset about it when the wedding rolls around, that's on her. Since you're paying you can invite whoever you want, if you're not on a good terms, then there is no reason to even invite them to begin with.

michellesean · July 2012

I'm sorry your mom is reacting this way. Can your dad help you get addresses? Does your mom have an address book that you can peek into? If you keep asking for her help with the addresses she's going to think that she has some control over your wedding, so don't give her that. This is something that you are going to have to figure out how to obtain yourself. Once you send out save the dates and invites, then she can't really say anything. If she doens't want to show up to your wedding, then that's on her. I can't believe that a mother would do that, but you have done nothing wrong here. You aren't asking for money, you aren't getting married to spite her and you aren't living at home and asking mom to pay your bills. You sound like a very responsible adult and hopefully your mom see's this within the next 5 months.

colleenetman · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e6f570a-d811-45c5-b031-f9db57c8f1c1Post:23a6824a-8a6d-4d78-bb49-e11bc91ac745">Re: Help with my mother? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Why would you want to invite people you are on poor terms with?
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

<div>I invited them for my mother's sake. I am (usually) on very good terms with both my parents, I rarely fight with them at all so I don't know how to handle it. I also wanted to send out the invites within the next month or two, so I need to talk to my mom to figure out how to deal with her family.</div>

LeiselEB · July 2012

I'd forget about save the dates at this point. If you want to invite your moms family when the time comes for invites to go out, do it then. It's okay they don't receive stds. If your mom truly won't talk about the wedding and you're not able or willing to push it back for her, I'd be firm with her and say something like "we are getting married in December. I would love for you to be there and be a part of this, but if you can't do that, then I can accept that." and then don't talk about wedding stuff with her.

Fluffernut · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e6f570a-d811-45c5-b031-f9db57c8f1c1Post:e97b95e9-daa5-4ee3-8cf2-9c24a040c116">Re: Help with my mother? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help with my mother? (long) : I invited them for my mother's sake. I am (usually) on very good terms with both my parents, I rarely fight with them at all so I don't know how to handle it. I also wanted to send out the invites within the next month or two, so I need to talk to my mom to figure out how to deal with her family.
Posted by colleenetman[/QUOTE]

Is there a reason you want to send the invites out so early? Usually it's around the two month mark. Also, I don't really understand how March would be so much different than December for your mom. Three months doesn't make you so much older and of "marrying age." It sounds like you have your life and wedding under control except for the address issue. Could you look relatives up on the white pages? Google them? Or, as PP said, can your Dad help get the addresses?

Maybe give the wedding talk with your mom a rest for now and maybe she will come around. Good luck!

katiebelle2882 · July 2012

you are too young. people who get married before 25-27 have a MUCH higher chance of getting divorced. Honestly, this will probably be you. Why would you EVER want to commit to someone before you are fully established in life and know who you really are. I know you think you do, but you dont. people down south and in the midwest (where frankly, there is nothing better to do then get married and procreate) often get married this early, but the divorce rates in these areas are also MUCH higher. Think about it, if its meant to be its meant to be, but I can tell you that 99% of my friends were with someone who they were absolutely sure they were going to marry at age 20, and yet none of them are married to those people now. They grew up, got a real life, gotout of school got established, and then found someone who was their real soulmate. Any argument about when parents got married is invalid too, since it was a different time then, also, women did not have as many options in terms of life. Seriously, rethink this awful decision of yours and wait until you are OUT of grad school. I can almost promise you you will not still be with your fiancee.

shanding4787 · July 2012

I'd say just elope and be done with it. It sounds like you're going to have a hard time planning one at home, so going away might be the best thing.

nextrightthing · July 2012

I would perhaps have a heart-to-heart with her and ask her to discuss her concerns with you. Maybe if she has a chance to be "heard" she will be able to be more mature about this. Is she just upset about your age, or are there other concerns she has? I'm not suggesting that you don't get married for her sake, but if you have always had a good relationship with her and she is normally not a nutjob, I'd give her a chance to explain herself to you.
Sorry this is going on.

msuprincess04 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e6f570a-d811-45c5-b031-f9db57c8f1c1Post:b15a8242-27d8-4839-b531-6645d7b8f930">Re: Help with my mother? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]you are too young. people who get married before 25-27 have a MUCH higher chance of getting divorced. Honestly, this will probably be you. Why would you EVER want to commit to someone before you are fully established in life and know who you really are. I know you think you do, but you dont. people down south and in the midwest (where frankly, there is nothing better to do then get married and procreate) often get married this early, but the divorce rates in these areas are also MUCH higher. Think about it, if its meant to be its meant to be, but I can tell you that 99% of my friends were with someone who they were absolutely sure they were going to marry at age 20, and yet none of them are married to those people now. They grew up, got a real life, gotout of school got established, and then found someone who was their real soulmate. Any argument about when parents got married is invalid too, since it was a different time then, also, women did not have as many options in terms of life. Seriously, rethink this awful decision of yours and wait until you are OUT of grad school. I can almost promise you you will not still be with your fiancee.
Posted by katiebelle2882[/QUOTE]

While those statistics are probably true, at least that of young marriages, it doesn't mean that they are always true. That's not to say OP will be the exception either.

The fact remains that she is an adult, she's made an adult decision, and she's handling it in an adult manner. So, let it be.

If I were you, I'd try to see if there's another way to get the addresses. Can you call an aunt? FB a cousin? Something along those lines, if it's important that they be invited. Otherwise, have the wedding you want with the family and friends you enjoy and just be excited about your day.

ems27 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e6f570a-d811-45c5-b031-f9db57c8f1c1Post:b15a8242-27d8-4839-b531-6645d7b8f930">Re: Help with my mother? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]you are too young. people who get married before 25-27 have a MUCH higher chance of getting divorced. Honestly, this will probably be you. Why would you EVER want to commit to someone before you are fully established in life and know who you really are. <strong>I know you think you do, but you dont.</strong> people down south and in the midwest (where frankly, there is nothing better to do then get married and procreate) often get married this early, but the divorce rates in these areas are also MUCH higher. Think about it, if its meant to be its meant to be, but I can tell you that 99% of my friends were with someone who they were absolutely sure they were going to marry at age 20, and yet none of them are married to those people now. They grew up, got a real life, gotout of school got established, and then found someone who was their real soulmate. Any argument about when parents got married is invalid too, since it was a different time then, also, women did not have as many options in terms of life. Seriously, rethink this <strong>awful decision</strong> of yours and wait until you are OUT of grad school. I can almost promise you you will not still be with your fiancee.
Posted by katiebelle2882[/QUOTE]

That was uncalled for... just because there are some stats out there about marriage at certain ages does not mean that it is an awful decision. And I think she has a much better idea of herself than a stranger on a message board.

Colleen, PPs have given some really valuable advice. I would suggest sending save-the-dates to the people you do truly want there, wait until the appropriate time to mail invites, and if Mom still hasn't come around and won't give you the family's address, don't invite them.

Ultimately she will be the one losing out on her daughter's wedding, which I guarantee she will regret- I hope for your sake that she will come around, but for now, I'd stop discussing it with her. Maybe if it goes quiet from your side, she'll realize just exactly what she's missing out on.

katiebelle2882 · July 2012

statistics are there for a reason. Im not saying she will end up like them, but there is a better then 50% chance. over 70% chance. Even more then that, you should know as a 20 year old that there are WAY more important things then getting married that you need to focus on. Frankly, with her situation (not done with school, doesnt have a steady job or life) you should be mature enough to realize that getting married at ANY age while not being settled financially and educationally is a bad idea. I wouldnt do it if I was 30 and in her bad position. This is common sense. Which just basically makes it even more obvious that she is so immature she does not even grasp these types of things. Moms are usually right, and as long as she isnt usually an awful person who always acts like this, she has a valid concern that makes sense.

I think it's sad and shortsighted that NONE of you have said "maybe your mom's concerns are something you should take into consideration". Its not like shes 35 and has to start a family right away bc the clock is ticking. Her mother is correct, plain and simple. She would never do this, but I bet any amount of money that she will be divorced in 7 or fewer years.

ems27 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e6f570a-d811-45c5-b031-f9db57c8f1c1Post:86818932-621a-4692-865b-5227ec581833">Re: Help with my mother? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]statistics are there for a reason. <strong>Im not saying she will end up like them,</strong> but there is a better then 50% chance. over 70% chance. Even more then that, you should know as a 20 year old that there are WAY more important things then getting married that you need to focus on. Frankly, with her situation (not done with school, doesnt have a steady job or life) you should be mature enough to realize that getting married at ANY age while not being settled financially and educationally is a bad idea. I wouldnt do it if I was 30 and in her bad position. This is common sense. Which just basically makes it even more obvious that she is so immature she does not even grasp these types of things. Moms are usually right, and as long as she isnt usually an awful person who always acts like this, she has a valid concern that makes sense. I think it's sad and shortsighted that NONE of you have said "maybe your mom's concerns are something you should take into consideration".<strong> Its not like shes 35 and has to start a family right away bc the clock is ticking.</strong> Her mother is correct, plain and simple. She would never do this,<strong> but I bet any amount of money that she will be divorced in 7 or fewer years.
</strong>Posted by katiebelle2882[/QUOTE]

Yes, you are not saying that she 100% will end up like them, but you would bet "any amount of money" that she will. If you hadn't been saying different variations on this theme your first post, and had instead raised your concern that the mother might have a valid concern, that's one thing. The way you phrased this is just an exceedingly judgemental and negative perspective on someone else's relationship. Also, I fail to see how someone being 35 with a biological clock ticking factors into this- she didn't even say that they want to start a family yet, or ever.

We also don't know if she has a steady job or not- if she and FI are paying their own bills and financially independent whilst in school, I am guessing that both are employed with sufficient regularlity. Many grad programs will also offer teaching or research assistantships that cover free tuition and living expenses, and since they are "moving away to grad school," it sounds like they have a multi-year plan in place, which is as stable as many people can hope for these days. Without asking, you don't know those background details. Maybe I'm wrong and they have a different way to pay their bills, pay for their wedding, and put themselves through school, rather than working- in which case I would really like to know the magical secret.

Your point that the mother might have a valid concern is fair, but saying OP is making an awful decision and will probably end up divorced is garbage with our limited knowledge of the situation.

katiebelle2882 · July 2012

My point about a biological clock is that there is no RUSH to get married. why rush into things when the odds are entirely against you AND the person who arguably knows you best has MAJOR reservations about it? Of course, she may not be in the percentage that gets divorced, but haven't we ALL been there when we think the person 'is the one" (ESPECIALLY when we were young) and then you grow up and realize that the person you are when you are 20 years old is NOT the person you are for the majority of your life? while not everyone is the same, its pretty clear that since most people who get married before a certain age end up divorced, then this viewpoint is not a stretch. you are right, we have limited knowledge oif the situation, but knowing they are so young is enough knowledge to know that most likely, this marriage will not work (esp considering her family is somewhat against it). I know it came off harsh, but I get the feeling probably alot of people she knows are thinking this but not saying it. Even here, no one has said "listen to your mother". I know what its like to be in love when you are 20, and I know in south carolina all this is normal, but also in south carolina the divorce rates are astronomical (most of the south actually). NO ONE thinks they will be a "statistic" but its COMPLETELY foolish not to think and consider these things as a possibility esp when you are so young that you have an entire lifetime of change ahead of you. There is no rush. why not wait until after grad school. I just dont see why you what the issue with waiting is. Usually I find that people who dont want to wait have insecurities about their relationship to begin with and want to "cement it" ( military nonewithstanding) bc they want to tie that person to them.

ems27 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e6f570a-d811-45c5-b031-f9db57c8f1c1Post:29927969-86ed-4aed-bf2a-49134dc89492">Re: Help with my mother? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]My point about a biological clock is that there is no RUSH to get married. why rush into things when the odds are entirely against you AND the person who arguably knows you best has MAJOR reservations about it? Of course, she may not be in the percentage that gets divorced,<strong> but haven't we ALL been there when we think the person 'is the one" (ESPECIALLY when we were young) and then you grow up and realize that the person you are when you are 20 years old is NOT the person you are for the majority of your life?</strong> while not everyone is the same, its pretty clear that since most people who get married before a certain age end up divorced, then this viewpoint is not a stretch. you are right, we have limited knowledge oif the situation, but knowing they are so young is enough knowledge to know that most likely, this marriage will not work (esp considering her family is somewhat against it). I know it came off harsh, but I get the feeling probably alot of people she knows are thinking this but not saying it. Even here, no one has said "listen to your mother". I know what its like to be in love when you are 20, and I know in south carolina all this is normal, but also in south carolina the divorce rates are astronomical (most of the south actually). NO ONE thinks they will be a "statistic" but its COMPLETELY foolish not to think and consider these things as a possibility esp when you are so young that you have an entire lifetime of change ahead of you. There is no rush. why not wait until after grad school. I just dont see why you what the issue with waiting is. Usually I find that people who dont want to wait have insecurities about their relationship to begin with and want to "cement it" ( military nonewithstanding) bc they want to tie that person to them.
Posted by katiebelle2882[/QUOTE]

Not everyone :-)

And thank you, I feel like you articulated your point much more clearly and with less direct judgement to the OP and her specific situation than previous posts. It is possible to voice concerns without telling someone that they are making awful decisions when we really don't know either way.

nextrightthing · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e6f570a-d811-45c5-b031-f9db57c8f1c1Post:29927969-86ed-4aed-bf2a-49134dc89492">Re: Help with my mother? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]My point about a biological clock is that there is no RUSH to get married. why rush into things when the odds are entirely against you AND the person who arguably knows you best has MAJOR reservations about it? Of course, she may not be in the percentage that gets divorced, but haven't we ALL been there when we think the person 'is the one" (ESPECIALLY when we were young) and then you grow up and realize that the person you are when you are 20 years old is NOT the person you are for the majority of your life? while not everyone is the same, its pretty clear that since most people who get married before a certain age end up divorced, then this viewpoint is not a stretch. you are right, we have limited knowledge oif the situation, but knowing they are so young is enough knowledge to know that most likely, this marriage will not work (esp considering her family is somewhat against it). I know it came off harsh, but I get the feeling probably alot of people she knows are thinking this but not saying it. Even here, no one has said "listen to your mother". I know what its like to be in love when you are 20, and I know in south carolina all this is normal, but also in south carolina the divorce rates are astronomical (most of the south actually). NO ONE thinks they will be a "statistic" but its COMPLETELY foolish not to think and consider these things as a possibility esp when you are so young that you have an entire lifetime of change ahead of you. There is no rush. why not wait until after grad school. I just dont see why you what the issue with waiting is. Usually I find that people who dont want to wait have insecurities about their relationship to begin with and want to "cement it" ( military nonewithstanding) bc they want to tie that person to them.
Posted by katiebelle2882[/QUOTE]

I didn't expressly say, "listen to your mother," but I implied it. At 29, I am old enough to know that my ranting and raving on TK will not make a young bride change her mind. Also, mature enough to know that I don't even know her.

rsanna · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e6f570a-d811-45c5-b031-f9db57c8f1c1Post:29927969-86ed-4aed-bf2a-49134dc89492">Re: Help with my mother? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]My point about a biological clock is that there is no RUSH to get married. why rush into things when the odds are entirely against you AND the person who arguably knows you best has MAJOR reservations about it? Of course, she may not be in the percentage that gets divorced, but haven't we ALL been there when we think the person 'is the one" (ESPECIALLY when we were young) and then you grow up and realize that the person you are when you are 20 years old is NOT the person you are for the majority of your life? while not everyone is the same, its pretty clear that since most people who get married before a certain age end up divorced, then this viewpoint is not a stretch. you are right, we have limited knowledge oif the situation, but knowing they are so young is enough knowledge to know that most likely, <strong>this marriage will not work</strong> (esp considering her family is somewhat against it). I know it came off harsh, but I get the feeling probably alot of people she knows are thinking this but not saying it. Even here, no one has said "listen to your mother". I know what its like to be in love when you are 20, and I know in south carolina all this is normal, but also in south carolina the divorce rates are astronomical (most of the south actually). NO ONE thinks they will be a "statistic" but its COMPLETELY foolish not to think and consider these things as a possibility esp when you are so young that you have an entire lifetime of change ahead of you. There is no rush. why not wait until after grad school. I just dont see why you what the issue with waiting is. Usually I find that people who dont want to wait have insecurities about their relationship to begin with and want to "cement it" ( military nonewithstanding) bc they want to tie that person to them.
Posted by katiebelle2882[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>You are why I hate people. You have no right to tell someone that their marriage won't work out. And about your previous posts with people in the midwest and south have nothing better to do than to get married. Well they are in school, marriage does not mean they are dropping out of school. Also, by your logic NO ONE should get married since I believe the divorce rate is about 50% and the odds are good that you will end up divorced. </div>

Fluffernut · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e6f570a-d811-45c5-b031-f9db57c8f1c1Post:b15a8242-27d8-4839-b531-6645d7b8f930">Re: Help with my mother? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]you are too young. people who get married before 25-27 have a MUCH higher chance of getting divorced. Honestly, this will probably be you. Why would you EVER want to commit to someone before you are fully established in life and know who you really are. I know you think you do, but you dont. people down south and in the midwest (<strong>where frankly, there is nothing better to do then get married and procreate</strong>) often get married this early, but the divorce rates in these areas are also MUCH higher. Think about it, if its meant to be its meant to be, but I can tell you that 99% of my friends were with someone who they were absolutely sure they were going to marry at age 20, and yet none of them are married to those people now. They grew up, got a real life, gotout of school got established, and then found someone who was their real soulmate. Any argument about when parents got married is invalid too, since it was a different time then, also, women did not have as many options in terms of life. Seriously, rethink this awful decision of yours and wait until you are OUT of grad school. I can almost promise you you will not still be with your fiancee.
Posted by katiebelle2882[/QUOTE]

I'm pretty sure I have a job and a life that didn't revolve around marriage and children and even made it to age 34 without either. I understand NY may have more going on, especially in the city, but generalizations like that are not helpful.

katiebelle2882 · July 2012

All good points ladies. She will not change her mind, and I hope when she is my age (30) she will not be a single divorced mother. It happens way too often. Yes you are right, my parents have been together since they were 16 (married at 24) Often I feel like this is more because you don't really get exposed to other people, and trherefore just stay with the person you are with bc there is nothing else, and you know nothing else. I was with someone for 3 years who I thought I would marry, then went out into the world and met other guys and realized, no freaking way was I going to give up looking just yet. I realize this is cynical, but I think also reality speaks to my point of view in terms of how many marriages end in diasaster. Love is love, but logic also hs to come into it.

KellyBrian2013 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e6f570a-d811-45c5-b031-f9db57c8f1c1Post:b15a8242-27d8-4839-b531-6645d7b8f930">Re: Help with my mother? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]you are too young. people who get married before 25-27 have a MUCH higher chance of getting divorced. Honestly, this will probably be you. Why would you EVER want to commit to someone before you are fully established in life and know who you really are. I know you think you do, but you dont. people down south and<strong> in the midwest (where frankly, there is nothing better to do then get married and procreate)</strong> often get married this early, but the divorce rates in these areas are also MUCH higher. Think about it, if its meant to be its meant to be, but I can tell you that 99% of my friends were with someone who they were absolutely sure they were going to marry at age 20, and yet none of them are married to those people now. They grew up, got a real life, gotout of school got established, and then found someone who was their real soulmate. Any argument about when parents got married is invalid too, since it was a different time then, also, women did not have as many options in terms of life. Seriously, rethink this awful decision of yours and wait until you are OUT of grad school. I can almost promise you you will not still be with your fiancee.
Posted by katiebelle2882[/QUOTE]

You're not from around here, are you?

FI is 26 and has had a solid, consistent, and well-paying job with the same company (and no college education) for the last 7 years. It is very possible within the next 2 or 3 years, he could be making 6 figures. I am 24 and graduating college in the spring with a Bachelors with plans to, eventually, go to grad school and someday get a doctorate.

We are under the "magic number" of 27 that you posted, yet own a home, and live independently of our parents. Neither of us has any plan to "procreate" any time soon... so clearly, there must be more to do in the midwest than that.

Please don't lecture others on something which you clearly know very little about.

katiebelle2882 · July 2012

fluffernut-Minneapolis is awesome! I was generalizing, but its safe to say that outside a city, people get married way too young bc there literally is NOTHING else to do.

Also, I love your quote from A History of Love. Amazing book. When I lived in bklyn she lived a few blocks from me with her husband Jonathan Safran Foer (author of extremely loud and incredibly close). i am sure they are extremely pretentious and incredibly annoying but still, very talented

Fluffernut · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e6f570a-d811-45c5-b031-f9db57c8f1c1Post:2a5bfb09-80e4-48ab-8bb6-a87ad143d6a4">Re: Help with my mother? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]fluffernut-Minneapolis is awesome! I was generalizing, but its safe to say that <strong>outside a city, people get married way too young bc there literally is NOTHING else to do.</strong> Also, I love your quote from A History of Love. Amazing book. When I lived in bklyn she lived a few blocks from me with her husband Jonathan Safran Foer (author of extremely loud and incredibly close). i am sure they are extremely pretentious and incredibly annoying but still, very talented ;)
Posted by katiebelle2882[/QUOTE]

I would still respectfully disagree, as I only moved to the cities two weeks ago, somewhat grudgingly because I liked the rural environment I was in. I was from a town of less than 3,000 people. The last town I lived in had under 1,000. I think it greatly depends on the person. Some people in the cities won't travel beyond their comfort zone. Some people in small towns want to see the world before they settle down.

As an aside, katiebelle, I always thought it would be awesome to live in/near NYC for a couple years. I don't know if I'd be able to do it long term, but I love it out there!

nextrightthing · July 2012

There is lots to do outside of big cities lol. You are being silly.

mizutamababy · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e6f570a-d811-45c5-b031-f9db57c8f1c1Post:b15a8242-27d8-4839-b531-6645d7b8f930">Re: Help with my mother? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]you are too young. people who get married before 25-27 have a MUCH higher chance of getting divorced. Honestly, this will probably be you. Why would you EVER want to commit to someone before you are fully established in life and know who you really are. I know you think you do, but you dont. people down south and in the midwest (where frankly, there is nothing better to do then get married and procreate) often get married this early, but the divorce rates in these areas are also MUCH higher. Think about it, if its meant to be its meant to be, but I can tell you that 99% of my friends were with someone who they were absolutely sure they were going to marry at age 20, and yet none of them are married to those people now. They grew up, got a real life, gotout of school got established, and then found someone who was their real soulmate. Any argument about when parents got married is invalid too, since it was a different time then, also, women did not have as many options in terms of life. Seriously, rethink this awful decision of yours and wait until you are OUT of grad school. I can almost promise you you will not still be with your fiancee.
Posted by katiebelle2882[/QUOTE]

I got married at 26 and honestly I haven't changed much from 20 except I'm better with money, a few of my opinions about the world have changed with experience (but not of the person I was dating at that time, now DH), and I've become more hermit-y on my days off. When I look at DH at the end of the day before we go to bed, no matter if it was a happy or disappointing day, I still get those same fuzzies as when we first fell in love.

In past generations, many people went into marriage knowing it wouldn't be perfect, romantic, etc. but were OK with this because it provided a socially acceptible vehicle for two people to provide for one another and raise a family. History has shown that in most cases, the latter was more of a priority than the former.

Now we're at a time when people have been sold on romance and the happily ever after. and have come to expect it. Instead of waiting for the right person to come along, or accept it if they don't, many people settle and/or try to change the other person. When it doesn't work out as expected, people are way more likely to jump ship, regardless of age.

willywally5 · July 2012

Nix the wedding talk with mom, OP. If she doesn't come around by the time you need to send your inviitations, oh well. Guess she will miss out.

Do be sure you aren't settling. I only say this because I married my first husband at 20. Note, he was my 'first husband.' I was more in love with being in love than truly loving him. Not saying that's you, just putting it out there for a little reality check.

Now, since I live in a small midwestern town and am already married, I guess H and I will just screw all day since there's nothing else to do here.

Polinar · July 2012

For the record, I am 20 years old, getting married in two months. I pay my own bills, as does my FI (who lives in another state and is 27 years old). We both have stable jobs. My mother was 19 when she got married. Sure, times were different then, but different people have different circumstances.
Yes, some people should not get married at 20. Others, whose lives are in order and who are ready for it should not be judged for getting married young.

katiebelle2882 · July 2012

ok, well, there are THINGS to do, but how else can you explain the extreme difference in average ages people get married? Clearly there is some reason? what is it? And the fact is, that age difference also corresponds to a difference in divorce rate. It IS lower in the northeast where people get married at an older age (lowest in Mass actually I think) Of course some people are paying their own bills etc at 20-21, but I still dont think that means you are an "adult". Maybe it has to do with the lack of more options in terms of who to marry, I just don't know, but to dispute these facts seems pointless when they are just that, facts.

I never said she was dropping out of school. I said it doesnt make any sense to get married before you are done with at least your bachelors. Again ladies, I ask you, what exactly is the mad rush for someone like this? Other then to cement something that if it is meant to be, will be there in 4-6 years when she is at a good age? Doesn't everyone here think that if something is meant to be it is meant to be? I certainly do.

I do think people have this idea that marriage is supposed to be a fairy tale. I also think that the younger you are the more susceptible you are to this kind of thinking and making a decision quickly and out of "love". or like someone else said, the "idea of being in love' more then being in love with the actual person.

Also, just to point out what I think is obvious. I definitely do not think that *most* men are ready for marriage at 20. Men, perhaps even more then women, need to play the field. Many have very little concept of 'this will be the last person you sleep with" and have major issues with it around year 7, maybe even sooner. I KNOW this all sounds cynical, but with the divorce rate at 50%, and the infidelity rate around 70% you have to be sure, and also be ready to accept certain things. I have rarely met a 20 year old who really gets that (clearly-they do exist). Like I said, no one thinks they will be a statistic, the sad fact is, most end up one. Even people who get married at the "right" age. I just like to have as little risk as possible when it comes to think like this, since you are tying your life to someone in the most intimate way possible! (and i am a VERY spontaneous person by nature-but this is not a good thing to leave only to your heart).

fluffernut- NYC is awesome, I was born and raised about an hour outside nyc (really just your average american suburb i would say) but have lived here for years now. there is no place like it in the world, and nothing can compare. the food, the entertainment, the nightlife (going to a city where bars close before 4am is always shocking to me lol) the culture, the people and yes, even the men are unparalleled. Of course, there are many things that it does not offer that other places do-like peace and quiet;) but even outside nyc, less than an hour away, are some of the best beaches in the country. We are really lucky around here, although there are days when I want to pick up and move to montana- believe it or not, I love great big wide open spaces too, and would get myself 5 horses and a bunch of dogs.

BubbsNBubbs · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e6f570a-d811-45c5-b031-f9db57c8f1c1Post:b15a8242-27d8-4839-b531-6645d7b8f930">Re: Help with my mother? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]you are too young. people who get married before 25-27 have a MUCH higher chance of getting divorced. Honestly, this will probably be you. Why would you EVER want to commit to someone before you are fully established in life and know who you really are. I know you think you do, but you dont. people down south and in the midwest (where frankly, there is nothing better to do then get married and procreate) often get married this early, but the divorce rates in these areas are also MUCH higher. Think about it, if its meant to be its meant to be, but I can tell you that 99% of my friends were with someone who they were absolutely sure they were going to marry at age 20, and yet none of them are married to those people now. They grew up, got a real life, gotout of school got established, and then found someone who was their real soulmate. Any argument about when parents got married is invalid too, since it was a different time then, also, women did not have as many options in terms of life. Seriously, rethink this awful decision of yours and wait until you are OUT of grad school. I can almost promise you you will not still be with your fiancee.
Posted by katiebelle2882[/QUOTE]

WOW.....what's up Judgey McJudgerson?? This enitre post is RUDE.

lyradimer · July 2012

I know that I wouldn't have been ready to be married at 21, but that doesn't mean that you aren't. Honestly, I find your mother's reaction to be quite troubling, and I'm sure it is very hurtful. I'm wondering, since she got married very young, if she is reflecting her own feelings onto your wedding. I'm not trying to say that your parents' marriage is troubled, but she might have regrets about not seeing the world more before she got married. I really think that her reaction is indicating something bigger. Perhaps this is something she should talk to a professional about.

As for the save-the-dates, you can send out some without having to send them to everyone.

Help with my mother? (long)

Re: Help with my mother? (long)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards