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May 2011 Weddings

Am I being stupid? NWR

I was watching How I Met Your Mother last night and and FFIL came in. A scene with Neil Patrick Harris and several attractive women came on and FFIL goes "It's really funny, they have him with all these hot women and he's a f*ggot!" and continues to laugh. All I did was look at the tv and sternly say "mhmm" but I was seriously shocked and am still really bothered by this. I am very, very close to my uncle who is a homosexual and I have many homosexual friends. I don't know why it bothers me so much because I'm sure he wasn't trying to be nasty, he was probably just raised to believe that what is now known as hate speech is perfectly acceptable. Should I be worried about the day he and my uncle meet? My uncle is in no way obvious but I don't want him (or my FBIL who is also partial to slurs) to think they're being funny and say something like that.
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Re: Am I being stupid? NWR

  • I would ask your FI to say something.  My FI is partial to racial slurs, and one of my dad's friends (who I graduated with - it's a longer story) was dropped from the guest list because I knew we couldn't control FI's and his GM's tongues once they were drinking.
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  • gmc22gmc22 member
    2500 Comments
    edited November 2010
    I'm not sure how you proceed with this, but I just wanted to say that I am with you 150%. In fact, I feel the same way about any type of derogatory term in reference to ANY group of people. My dad is affiliated with United Cerebral Palsy of Pgh and it annoys me to NO END when people call each other or things they find stupid 'retarded.' It literally boils my blood and I cringe when I hear people calling others by this word! People who do this don't realize that these words can seriously hurt someone and I feel that as a society we need to put an end to this type of talk...

    I'm sorry you had to deal with this... Perhaps you can politely bring it up to your FFIL and let him know that it is something you really take offense to... Sorry I can't be more of a help! 

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  • I also completely agree. You won't be able to stop him from doing it, the only thing I woudl suggest is always turning it around to be somewhat positive, like in response to your example with NPH say "Well it just shows what an amazing actor he is!"

    gmc - FI's brother has cerebral palsy. Usually people's random uses of "retarded" don't bother us too much, but I have a coworker who  instead chooses to actually say that someone acting stupid is "totally palsy", which I am unbearably offended by. I can't even begin to describe my disdain for said coworker because of how all the derogatory terms he uses. It's horrible.
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  • I am a big believer in being nice to people and being polite. But - and here's something a lot of people don't realize - it's perfectly okay to calll someone out when they are out of line and using derogatory language is one of those times.
    It's a bit awkward when you have to come back to a situation that has passed but in the moment, I would just say "FFIL, that word is extremely offensive. Please don't use it around me."
    If you are in his home, he can tell you he'll talk however he wants, but then of course you can just leave. If he's in your home, he should abide by your rules. And really, a kind person wouldn't want to use offensive language anywhere.
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  • Funny you should mention this... My FI just asked if being homopheobic is wrong. He doesn't hate gay people by any means but admitted seeing homosexual behavior makes him uncomfortable. IMO its ok to feel uncomfortable around certain behavior but to make sure that doesn't lead to dislike of the person themselves. 

    For me I am really uncomfortable around any excessive PDA (more than just cuddling or quick kisses) but that doen't mean I start to dislike Susy Que because she has her tongue down her BF throat. haha  

    I know this is probably beating a dead horse but explain to your FI that those terms are highly offensive. Perhaps even ask him to watch his language around your Uncle. Although it may be said as a joke it is never taken as one.

    He if is not aggressively anti-gay then I don't think you should be overly nervous about them meeting.
  • I would just say "Hey, FFIL, you know my uncle is gay, right? I'm okay with you not being okay with it, but just for that day, if you could be a little less opinionated about it, that would help keep things smooth"

    OBVIOUSLY, I would say it a LOT nicer than that, but you need to bring it up.
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  • derogatory, well, let;s face it, biggotted words and behaviour is unnaceptable; i have heard the old addage 'they were brought up in a differnt time, people spoke like that, it doesn't mean anything' it certainly does mean something and those terms have been unacceptable for YEARS so even if you were 'brought up' with those words, you've had plenty of time to acclimatise to them being innapropriate; i've told FI that i won't accept any racist jokes from his friends (they are not funny) or family; even if my brother's wife was not from Guana; but they are not just insulting strangera (still unacceptable obviously) but my family and i'm not having it, i won't laugh just to keep the peace and i won't be staying anywhere where this language is used.  you did the right thing when your FFIL spoke that way, made him aware its not acceptable; i would agree with PP that a word in his ear about the wedding day behaviour would be a good bet!
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