Moms and Maids

Choosing a 5th BM?

I've already chosen my MOH & 3 of my BM's, and I'm facing some indecision about my 5th girl. My sister is my MOH and my 3 BM's are my stepsister and 2 of my childhood friends. My FI has his heart set on having 5 GM, so I do need a 5th BM because I want my wedding party to be balanced. I'm trying to decide between 2 girls: my cousin & the GF of one of my FI's GM. I'm not very close with my cousin at all, she's a bit older than me, but I was thinking about asking her because she's family and my grandma suggested it to me because it would mean a lot to her. On the other hand, my FI & I are close with this GM & his GF. I'm not exactly best friends with her because they live far away & I don't get to hang out with her a lot, but I really like her. My FI mentioned that it would mean a lot to both him & the GM if they got to be together at the wedding, and I'm not against having her in my wedding at all. Plus, she told me that when they get married she wants both me & my FI in their wedding so that we don't have to be separated. I don't have anyone else I want in the wedding because I don't have a lot of girlfriends, so I can't just resolve the issue by choosing neither. What to do??

Re: Choosing a 5th BM?

  • I've already chosen my MOH & 3 of my BM's, and I'm facing some indecision about my 5th girl. My sister is my MOH and my 3 BM's are my stepsister and 2 of my childhood friends. My FI has his heart set on having 5 GM, so I do need a 5th BM because I want my wedding party to be balanced. I'm trying to decide between 2 girls: my cousin & the GF of one of my FI's GM. I'm not very close with my cousin at all, she's a bit older than me, but I was thinking about asking her because she's family and my grandma suggested it to me because it would mean a lot to her. On the other hand, my FI & I are close with this GM & his GF. I'm not exactly best friends with her because they live far away & I don't get to hang out with her a lot, but I really like her. My FI mentioned that it would mean a lot to both him & the GM if they got to be together at the wedding, and I'm not against having her in my wedding at all. Plus, she told me that when they get married she wants both me & my FI in their wedding so that we don't have to be separated. I don't have anyone else I want in the wedding because I don't have a lot of girlfriends, so I can't just resolve the issue by choosing neither. What to do??
  • SJM7538SJM7538 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2013
    Unless you are having your bridal party sitting on see saws they don't have to be "balanced". If you're not close with either of these women then don't ask them to be in your bridal party. They are bound to figure out they are just fillers and this is not only rude but hurtful.
  • Why do you need even sides? Answer: you don't. Please don't make numbers more important than the people you love.
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  • Having it balanced is just a personal thing. No real rhyme or reason. I don't have a lot of personal preferences with my wedding but I do like balance.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-a-5th-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3a8316f-b3ba-4609-b42c-e08c5a3969b6Post:c8ebe3c7-b805-4bce-99df-87f7c4850148">Choosing a 5th BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've already chosen my MOH & 3 of my BM's, and I'm facing some indecision about my 5th girl. My sister is my MOH and my 3 BM's are my stepsister and 2 of my childhood friends. My FI has his heart set on having 5 GM, so I do need a 5th BM because I want my wedding party to be balanced. I'm trying to decide between 2 girls: my cousin & the GF of one of my FI's GM. I'm not very close with my cousin at all, she's a bit older than me, but I was thinking about asking her because she's family and my grandma suggested it to me because it would mean a lot to her. On the other hand, my FI & I are close with this GM & his GF. I'm not exactly best friends with her because they live far away & I don't get to hang out with her a lot, but I really like her. My FI mentioned that it would mean a lot to both him & the GM if they got to be together at the wedding, and I'm not against having her in my wedding at all. Plus, she told me that when they get married she wants both me & my FI in their wedding so that we don't have to be separated. I don't have anyone else I want in the wedding because I don't have a lot of girlfriends, so I can't just resolve the issue by choosing neither. What to do??
    Posted by jhall290[/QUOTE]

    So what you're saying is even numbers are more important to you than honoring friends? Okay, here's what you do. Call the drama department at your local community college or high school and see if you can hire somebody to stand up in your wedding to be your 5th BM to balance things out. I mean, all you really care about is a warm body up there anyway, right?

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-a-5th-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3a8316f-b3ba-4609-b42c-e08c5a3969b6Post:508bbb58-22fe-4c13-a119-a313bc7f9788">Re: Choosing a 5th BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Having it balanced is just a personal thing. No real rhyme or reason. I don't have a lot of personal preferences with my wedding but I do like balance.
    Posted by jhall290[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry if this comes off as rude, that's really not my intent. But this is totally not the point. The point is that if you are choosing a 5th BM for the purpose of having things "balanced" instead of choosing them because they are so important to you that you want them standing with you on your wedding day then you are essentially just using this person as a prop. It's not only rude but hurtful as well.  These women obviously know they are not that close with you and they will probably question why you asked them.
  • Oh and not to mention the fact that your wedding isn't until October of 2014. WAY to early to pick a bridal party. Trust me.... My wedding is exactly one year before yours and I chose my BMs last September. Relationships change. There are two good friends of mine who I drifted apart from over last summer so I didn't ask them. I asked other girls instead. They were offended. It caused drama and hurt feelings. I'm slowly regaining my relationship with them and would love for them to be in my bridal party but now they don't want to. So please re-think not only asking these girls because you want it "balanced" but re-think asking ANYONE else at this point until at least next year.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-a-5th-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3a8316f-b3ba-4609-b42c-e08c5a3969b6Post:ce977127-e04d-4651-b117-b2bd440e4c3c">Re: Choosing a 5th BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Choosing a 5th BM? : I'm sorry if this comes off as rude, that's really not my intent. But this is totally not the point. The point is that if you are choosing a 5th BM for the purpose of having things "balanced" instead of choosing them because they are so important to you that you want them standing with you on your wedding day then you are essentially just using this person as a prop. It's not only rude but hurtful as well.  These women obviously know they are not that close with you and they will probably question why you asked them.
    Posted by SJM7538[/QUOTE]



    It's not really the point of having it be balanced. It's that each of these girls means something to someone important to me - my grandmother & my FI. I've already chosen the girls that I couldn't imagine not being in my wedding, I just meant that since I have the opportunity to fill a 5th slot I could let one of these girls have it. If the situation were different and I were just trying to get another body up there, I'd agree that that's a bit bridezilla-y. But I'm trying to decide who to please here, a family member or my FI. I shouldn't have mentioned balancing the wedding party, everyone's getting carried away with that small detail.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-a-5th-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3a8316f-b3ba-4609-b42c-e08c5a3969b6Post:8f2647aa-c3ca-4d23-86fa-3d5541b5a40d">Re: Choosing a 5th BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh and not to mention the fact that your wedding isn't until October of 2014. WAY to early to pick a bridal party. Trust me.... My wedding is exactly one year before yours and I chose my BMs last September. Relationships change. There are two good friends of mine who I drifted apart from over last summer so I didn't ask them. I asked other girls instead. They were offended. It caused drama and hurt feelings. I'm slowly regaining my relationship with them and would love for them to be in my bridal party but now they don't want to. So please re-think not only asking these girls because you want it "balanced" but re-think asking ANYONE else at this point until at least next year.
    Posted by SJM7538[/QUOTE]



    I agree. I'm not asking anybody at the moment. My sister knows she's going to be my MOH & my childhood friends have always known we'd be in each other's weddings. But I haven't officially asked anyone yet because yes, it is much too early. I'm big on planning things ahead of time because I'm very detail-oriented, and the wedding will be out of town so I want to ensure my BM's can save up to fly out there. I know I have a while to think about all of this, I just have a lot of family members nagging me about wedding plans and such.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-a-5th-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3a8316f-b3ba-4609-b42c-e08c5a3969b6Post:776b9b4e-9728-4e57-87e4-1be7ca1e11c1">Re: Choosing a 5th BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Choosing a 5th BM? : It's not really the point of having it be balanced. It's that each of these girls means something to someone important to me - my grandmother & my FI. I've already chosen the girls that I couldn't imagine not being in my wedding, I just meant that since I have the opportunity to fill a 5th slot I could let one of these girls have it. If the situation were different and I were just trying to get another body up there, I'd agree that that's a bit bridezilla-y. But I'm trying to decide who to please here, a family member or my FI. I shouldn't have mentioned balancing the wedding party, everyone's getting carried away with that small detail.
    Posted by jhall290[/QUOTE]

    ok that sound a little less bridezilla-ey. lol.

    Anywho - here's my new thought process. The girls standing up with you should be your nearest and dearest. Don't choose someone just for the purpose of pleasing a family member or your fiance. Who stands on your side is your decision and yours alone. We can't tell you here on TK who to pick. We don't know your relationships with these women.  That being said... if you're going to choose one of them anyway and you really don't want to just "fill a slot" then why not choose both?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-a-5th-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3a8316f-b3ba-4609-b42c-e08c5a3969b6Post:9706b12d-a799-401d-bc96-79010a2b4e81">Re: Choosing a 5th BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why not wait awhile, then, and see if you think of someone? What about asking your grandmother????  In my social set it's not unusual to have the grandmother or mother of the bride as Matron of Honor, or the father of the groom as Best Man.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]



    That's interesting, I've never heard of it before! I am very close to my grandmother which is why I want to honor her wish. Knowing her though, she would rather attend as a family member than as a BM, or she'll say she wants my cousin to stand in her place. Thank you though! :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-a-5th-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3a8316f-b3ba-4609-b42c-e08c5a3969b6Post:d8698a4e-b7e7-4543-bd0f-8b09fab4ab97">Re: Choosing a 5th BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Choosing a 5th BM? : ok that sound a little less bridezilla-ey. lol. Anywho - here's my new thought process. The girls standing up with you should be your nearest and dearest. Don't choose someone just for the purpose of pleasing a family member or your fiance. Who stands on your side is your decision and yours alone. We can't tell you here on TK who to pick. We don't know your relationships with these women.  That being said... if you're going to choose one of them anyway and you really don't want to just "fill a slot" then why not choose both?
    Posted by SJM7538[/QUOTE]



    I've thought about that, I just worry that'll start to get a little price-y for me. But then again, I don't know how much I'll be paying for with the wedding party. The reason I'm keeping my family's wishes in mind is that they're financing some of it, and they're the type of people that would use that fact to influence my decisions - ex. "I paid for your dress, I want you to ______." :/
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-a-5th-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3a8316f-b3ba-4609-b42c-e08c5a3969b6Post:c8ebe3c7-b805-4bce-99df-87f7c4850148">Choosing a 5th BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've already chosen my MOH & 3 of my BM's, and I'm facing some indecision about my 5th girl. My sister is my MOH and my 3 BM's are my stepsister and 2 of my childhood friends. My FI has his heart set on having 5 GM, so I do need a 5th BM because I want my wedding party to be balanced. I'm trying to decide between 2 girls: my cousin & the GF of one of my FI's GM. I'm not very close with my cousin at all, she's a bit older than me, but I was thinking about asking her because she's family and my grandma suggested it to me because it would mean a lot to her. On the other hand, my FI & I are close with this GM & his GF. I'm not exactly best friends with her because they live far away & I don't get to hang out with her a lot, but I really like her.<strong> My FI mentioned that it would mean a lot to both him & the GM if they got to be together at the wedding, and I'm not against having her in my wedding at all. Plus, she told me that when they get married she wants both me & my FI in their wedding so that we don't have to be separated.</strong> I don't have anyone else I want in the wedding because I don't have a lot of girlfriends, so I can't just resolve the issue by choosing neither. What to do??
    Posted by jhall290[/QUOTE]

    Why would she need to be separated from her H at your wedding if you didn't ask her to fill your fifth slot and instead gave somebody else that "honor"?

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-a-5th-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3a8316f-b3ba-4609-b42c-e08c5a3969b6Post:2ad5ac2c-a80a-4288-a59e-f4c09167bb5a">Re: Choosing a 5th BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Choosing a 5th BM? : Why would she need to be separated from her H at your wedding if you didn't ask her to fill your fifth slot and instead gave somebody else that "honor"?
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]



    I think she just meant that they wouldn't have to be apart before the ceremony, during the pictures, during dinner, etc. I've been in that position, my FI was in a friend's wedding so I had nobody to talk to during the 2 hours before the wedding that he had to be there for, during the ceremony I sat alone, & I sat at a table full of people I didn't know at the reception & didn't get to be with him until dinner was over. I got along with the people at my table, but he was very upset because at dinner, the GM to his left was talking to someone else & the GM to his right was too inebriated to speak, so he was left all alone. It was just an awkward situation & I don't think it's too big of a deal, but my FI doesn't want to separate the couple. I know I'll get responses telling me that shouldn't be my problem, but I just want to make everyone happy with the arrangements, especially if they're both going to be flying in from out of town.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-a-5th-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3a8316f-b3ba-4609-b42c-e08c5a3969b6Post:d14ae619-78e6-4276-a566-53db0fa730a4">Re: Choosing a 5th BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Choosing a 5th BM? : I think she just meant that they wouldn't have to be apart before the ceremony, during the pictures, during dinner, etc. I've been in that position, my FI was in a friend's wedding so I had nobody to talk to during the 2 hours before the wedding that he had to be there for, during the ceremony I sat alone, & I sat at a table full of people I didn't know at the reception & didn't get to be with him until dinner was over. I got along with the people at my table, but he was very upset because at dinner, the GM to his left was talking to someone else & the GM to his right was too inebriated to speak, so he was left all alone. It was just an awkward situation & I don't think it's too big of a deal, but my FI doesn't want to separate the couple. I know I'll get responses telling me that shouldn't be my problem, but I just want to make everyone happy with the arrangements, especially if they're both going to be flying in from out of town.
    Posted by jhall290[/QUOTE]

    Actually you'll get responses telling you to either scrap the head table all together or let SOs/spouses sit with their bridal party member spouses at the head table. Of course, that might throw things out of balance...

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-a-5th-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3a8316f-b3ba-4609-b42c-e08c5a3969b6Post:d14ae619-78e6-4276-a566-53db0fa730a4">Re: Choosing a 5th BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Choosing a 5th BM? : I think she just meant that they wouldn't have to be apart before the ceremony, during the pictures, during dinner, etc. I've been in that position, my FI was in a friend's wedding so I had nobody to talk to during the 2 hours before the wedding that he had to be there for, during the ceremony I sat alone, & I sat at a table full of people I didn't know at the reception & didn't get to be with him until dinner was over. I got along with the people at my table, but he was very upset because at dinner, the GM to his left was talking to someone else & the GM to his right was too inebriated to speak, so he was left all alone. It was just an awkward situation & I don't think it's too big of a deal, but my FI doesn't want to separate the couple. I know I'll get responses telling me that shouldn't be my problem, but I just want to make everyone happy with the arrangements, especially if they're both going to be flying in from out of town.
    Posted by jhall290[/QUOTE]

    Being apart before and during the ceremony and during pictures shouldn't be a big deal. I can entertain myself or socialize with others without needing my fiance around. During the reception is a different thing. Not sitting people with their SOs is rude on part of the bride and groom. This is why I don't like headtables. I've been in that position before to and it sucks.
  • I get wanting it to be balanced.  It's a personal decision and if it's one that's important to you, great!  I do see value in choosing family - my bridesmaids were all cousins.  Honoring your grandmother's wish is also a beautiful thought.  I imagine when you look back at the photos you'll remember how happy she was.  My grandma cries when she looks at the photos of my cousins and I all in my party togehter.  If you feel closer to the friend, however, it's fine to choose her.   I wouldn't pick her just because her husband is in the wedding party or because she'll pick you though.

    If you are concerned about seating people with their significant others, an option we chose was to have a sweetheart table for my husband and I and a "captain's table" where we sat the wedding party, their dates, our parents, and our grandparents.  A traditional head table wouldn't have worked for us since my FIL was my husband's best man, but we didn't want my MIL seated apart from him.
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  • Wait, if it's REALLY not about balance, then ask BOTH of them to be BMs.
  • I like the idea of ditching the traditional "head table" and seating the wedding party with their dates. Thanks for the insight everyone, it's been really helpful for me to think about some of those things I hadn't realized on my own. :)
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