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August 2011 Weddings

Is this my battle or should I stay out of it?

Apologies in advance for the long ramble to follow:

Two of my bridesmaids aren't getting along. I probably should have seen it coming since they didn't get along BEFORE, but I figured we are all adults and they both care about me and so can keep it together for a couple wedding events and the one day .....

OK, maid A is my best friend and MOH. Been friends for years, we're like sisters. Maid B is a friend who lives in my building and is a nice person, but one of those "only in small doses" kind of friends, you know? (Ugh, that sounds awful. She's a nice person, but she DOES tend to get on people's nerves because she's a very jealous person, so she's always in constant competition with everyone and that gets tiring).

I kinda felt obligated to ask B since 1.) she asked me to be one of hers and 2.) since we hang out so often and she kinda invited herself to be one, FI and I felt like it might be easier to just include her than it would have been to exclude her and deal with her b**ching about it for a year every time I ran into her in the hall (and she WAS b**ching about it until I just finally asked her).

The other day, A and I went out with some friends and came up with an awesome idea for a shower. Obviously, no plans have been made yet, but it was one of those half-drunk "that would be AWESOME ::highfive::" things. (Yes, we still  high-five.)

The next day B sees this on A's FaceBook wall and she FLIPS out that A has talked shower plans without consulting her. So I get a screaming phone call from B complaining that she's being excuded and demanding A's cell number so she can call her and presumably scream at her too. I refuse to give out anyone's phone number without permission, suggest she send A an email if she wants to contact her, and assure her that we just mentioned in passing how cool this particular theme would be and that no one has planned anything.

Apparently not good enough. B seems to have gotten over her affront about planning without her (presumably because A calmed her down in this email) and now she's pissed about something new: B is now furious that A will not agree to make my shower a joint shower for me and B! B was engaged before I was but her FI would not agree to spend any money on any kind of wedding and this winter they went and eloped at city hall. Now they're married, and I think B is really resentful that she didn't get the wedding she wanted. She's now trying to talk A into making my shower a joint one that she can invite her family to as well. Apparently A calmly told her that every bride deserves her own special day and that if B wanted a shower, she should talk to her family about it.

And how do I know all about these exchanges? Because B is screaming at me every chance she gets. A was kind enough not to breathe a word of all this to me, thinking she wouldn't trouble the bride with nonsense and that the two of them would hash it out privately. But I'm getting rambling texts from B all day - and if I dare ignore her or turn off the phone, she comes upstairs and knocks on my door and then the problem is in my kitchen. Right now it's 12:30 in Boston and I've already had B up here twice.

On the one hand, I feel like since this is all caused by the fact that I'm having a  wedding that I am kinda obligated to be the coach and fix everything. Then on the other hand, I also feel like maybe this is between them and I shouldn't have anything to say about it all.

A is my best friend and I know I kinda put her in this position by asking a woman to be in the BP that I knew she didn't care for. But on the other hand, I am trying to be sensitive to the fact that B is probably a little jealous about my wedding excitement taking off just as she had to elope. But A kinda feels that even though I feel bad, B is still not entitled to get A and my other BM to foot the bill for a shower for her after she's already been married for 2 years.

Tell me wise Knotties: What should I do??? Any advice would be appreciated greatly! I don't want to deal with this for the next year and 2 months!!

Re: Is this my battle or should I stay out of it?

  • On the one hand, I feel like since this is all caused by the fact that I'm having a  wedding that I am kinda obligated to be the coach and fix everything

    You are not obligated to fix anything between your BMs. Like you said, they're both adults and they should be able to handle it.
    II also think if B keeps bugging you about it, you need to tell her this is NOT your problem. A bride is NOT supposed to plan her shower, yes if BMs ask for opinions, dates, etc. but not in control. I would tell her that you are no longer involved with the shower planning process and if she has problems with A she needs to deal with them herself. I would give A a heads up about this as well. Since A doesn't like her, maybe she'll just tell her to grow up.

    I think you're going to be dealing with a whole lot of crazy with her. You might try and have a calm sit down with her and let her know that this is pretty early on in the process and you'll make sure any parts of the wedding you're planning that she should be in on she won't be excluded from.
    August 2011: E-Pic! Photobucket
    229 image Invited to celebrate!
    191 image Remembered to RSVP!
    26 image Can't make it
    7 image Got lost on the way to the mailbox

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  • prncszprncsz member
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    WOW! Crazy. First off how inconsiderate of B, it's not her wedding it's yours why would she want to split a shower with you. Like your friend A said, if you want want have your family throw you one. I would probably sit down with the both of them at the same time say what has been brought to your attention discuss what happened with the miscommunication (the bridal shower idea was just that an idea not something set in stone) also that you are sure A will let all of the bridal party know when it's time to really start putting together the shower. Tell B she can either follow the plan or no longer be in the bridal party plain and simple.
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  • Wow, you are in a really tough spot.

    Can you move? That's my first inclination, because honestly, no matter what you do, you aren't just dealing with her for the next year & 2 months, but until you move away. And I'm not being facetious.........it's apparent to me this person has some serious emotional, and possibly mental issues.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd probably talk to B and indicate the stress that her behavior is putting on you. Mention all the things you did in your post. Fair or not, she did not get the wedding you are having, she can't share a shower as a married woman, and this is about YOU and your FIANCE, not her, and not even your best friend.

    Whether you, or your MOH, or both of you can get through to her depends on her stability and maturity. Sadly, it sounds as though both are lacking.   

    If she can't get it, then you'll have to arrange new email addresses for yourself & your MOH/best friend, make your FB pages private, and change phone numbers. If she continues to bother you in person, you may have to take other measures.

    Good luck. Hopefully some idea comes to you, or someone else has a good response.
  • i dont know what id do because i always thought it should be the MOH decision where and when the shower is and the other Bms follow along!!
    Tell B to relax, tis your wedding and you dont need the extra stress from her!!

  • Thanks so much for the words of encouragement guys. This feels like it's getting more out of hand every day and it's frustrating because I only asked B to be a BM out of a feeling of obligation, so now I feel really stupid for asking her in the first place.

    I am so glad that so far you guys are in agreement with me that B is the one being unreasonable. I was so scared that you would say I was being a selfish BZ for not wanting to share a shower. I come from a huge family with cousins all around the same age and my sister's b-day is only 4 days after mine, so I spent my whole life sharing the spotlight of major milestones (ie, joint graduation partied, joint bday parties, etc.) and I really just wanted the wedding to be "mine" (as silly as that probably sounds).

    She's just been a handful. I invited her last week to come along to tour my venue with me and she kept interupting the wedding coordinator to bring the conversation back to her - for example:
    "Are those your only linen choices? Because my colors are mint and turquoise."
    "Can I have a copy of that price packet too? I want to show my husband because we're thinking of renewing our vows next June"

    She's oddly obsessed with weddings, like all she ever wants to do is talk about weddings, take wedding planning books out of the library, TiVo a dozen episodes of SYTTD and watch them over and over. Every wedding she attends is just "research" for hers (we were at a friend's wedding seated at the same table back in September and by the time the appetizer was put in front of us, she did nothing but talk about "I like how she did this, I didn't like that, I'll probably do that for my wedding, I don't like the font on the programs" all through dinner. If I show her any picture or idea Iike for my wedding, instead of just saying "pretty! So you!" she always has to compare it to hers "I don't like yellow, I'm doing green and blue" or "Those are nice, but I'm having the guys in black tuxes" or "I'm getting a horse and carriage instead of a limo."

    And if I show her something she can't afford (like the dresses I'm looking at or my engagement ring) she immediately has to shoot it down like "That skirt's too big, I like simple" or "I didn't want any stones in my ring, I like simple, like looking at sparkles more than wearing them" (her's is a sterling silver band).It's like she wants there to be no way I'd think she wishes she could have what I'm having (if that makes sense).

    It's kinda sad because I know for a fact there will be no vow renewal - her husband said he won't spend a dime, that they can have a cookout this summer in his mom's backyard and that's it. But even though she's been married since February, she's still planning this imaginary BIG princess wedding in her head and she keeps saying "we get to be brides together!" I thought she'd just .... get over it by now.

    Geez rambled again. Sorry ladies! LOL I'm clearly at my wits end today.
  • That sounds really tough. I kind of feel bad for her, trying to plan a wedding that will never happen is sad. Did she elope only because she knew she wouldn't get the BIG day?

    Good luck on dealing with her, and feel free to vent away!
    August 2011: E-Pic! Photobucket
    229 image Invited to celebrate!
    191 image Remembered to RSVP!
    26 image Can't make it
    7 image Got lost on the way to the mailbox

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Yeah, he talked her into eloping so she could get on his health insurance this year with the promise they could have a big wedding next year .... but he immediately after changed his tune and is now saying "why bother?" He's a tool. I feel bad too, but it gets very tiring to listen to. When she's harping in on my moments of excitement and when she's wedding talk 24/7 - like c'mon, I have a life outside of planning my wedding!!
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