Military Brides

Swing Shift--Whining!

Hi there :)

My fiance has been in the Air Force for 14 years and is an A-10 crew chief. Since the day I met him, he had been an instructor and had a pretty calm job. He wrote curriculum and oversaw the instruction of new airman, but the hours were great (7-3, Fridays he left at 1 and some weekdays he left earlier than 3), he could come and go as needed if he had appointments or whatever, and the job's biggest demand was writing EPRs. He did it for 6 years, which is a long time, and just recently went back out to the flight line.

He's a TSgt, so he's supervising. He's REALLY happy to be back out there; he's always told me that he's heart is in turning a wrench. His shift changed and now he is working swings, so he leaves our house at 12:30 pm and doesn't get home until 11:00 or 11:30 pm. 

Now, for the whining. I was so spoiled before and I do NOT like this swing shift nonsense! He's told me that this is the real military experience, and I totally know that's true but that doesn't make me like this any less. I see him on the weekends only, we're both sleeping horribly because we wake each other up when he goes to bed and when I get up, we hardly speak, and it's kind of putting a strain on our relationship. We're bickering about stupid things that we normally wouldn't, and we're both on edge.

He has a son who is with us half time (almost 7 years old) who has been behaving pretty poorly because of this adjustment, and I'm not his primary caregiver in our home so I am the lucky one that gets to deal with all of that behavior. When FDH is home, his son is crazy clingy. I understand the reasons, but it's been gradually getting irritating because he's trying to separate us when we are sitting together, talking, etc. 

We are doing everything right (at least I think so). We are making time for us, he and his son have one-on-one time, we are making sure that we get solo time (like he relaxes alone and I relax alone). It's not like we can talk about what's happening that much because there's nothing we can do about the shift, and I don't even know where to begin with what bothers me the most about his absence. I'm also struggling because he is so proud of his career and being in the military and I don't want to say anything that will make him feel poorly. 

Any of you ever experienced anything like this? (Sorry this was so whiny, by the way...but I warned you in the title! Tongue out)
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Re: Swing Shift--Whining!

  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    FI is a crew chief in the Marine Corps (different than the AF in that he's flying on the aircraft). Some days he leaves at 0545 and is back at 1600/1700. Some days he goes in at 1300 and comes back at 0100. This week he's leaving the house at 0300 and getting back at 1600. It all depends on the flight schedule and where he is on it. I am an office manager, and our studio is open 1200-2100. We only see each other on weekends as well, but there have been no problems. Do you work? If not, try and have breakfast together or something (FI and I have an early lunch when he flies nights). We miss each other, but are not bickering over it. Sometimes, if I know FI has been having trouble sleeping, I won't sleep in our bed so that he'll be good the next day. Maybe you guys could sometimes sleep in separate beds when one or the other is extra tired? Agree to have everything needed for the next day in another room so that when one of you wakes up, that person just walks straight out and doesn't turn on lights/make noise?

    As for his son trying to separate you, I mean, that's normal kid behavior, and he sees his dad even less than you do. 
    I hate Dave Ramsey
  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Ditto everything Stan said. When my FI gets back from deployment he is going on nightcrew and he will leave for work 3 or 4 and not get back until midnight or later. I leave for work at 7:30am and don't get home until 6pm. We already made plans to have breakfast in the am together. He will get up and go back to sleep. We will then see each other Friday nights, all day saturday, and Sunday until he goes into work. We have already talked about how we will make sure to spend time together despite this.


    Ditto what Stan said about the son too.
    image
  • edited December 2011
    hah Your Fi is right.. Welcome to the military experience... Like Stan mentioned, my FI is also Aviation (Navy) and leaves at random times every day. In fact, he doesn't even know what time he has to be at work or what he is scheduled for in general, until the night before. THAT"S a pain in the butt! Especially when you want to plan stuff.... >_<

    At least his schedule is consistant? And it won't last forever, promise. :P Glad you guys are making time for yourselves though, as that can be hard to do when he probably comes home exhausted every day.
  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_swing-shift-whining?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:4b636875-0543-4fb9-b0d7-7e94a73d577dPost:3d937315-ff99-4cf8-af1b-35deac32bbe9">Re: Swing Shift--Whining!</a>:
    [QUOTE]hah Your Fi is right.. Welcome to the military experience... Like Stan mentioned, my FI is also Aviation (Navy) and leaves at random times every day. In fact, he doesn't even know what time he has to be at work or what he is scheduled for in general, until the night before. THAT"S a pain in the butt! Especially when you want to plan stuff.... />_< At least his schedule is consistant? And it won't last forever, promise. :P Glad you guys are making time for yourselves though, as that can be hard to do when he probably comes home exhausted every day.
    Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ditto Stan about making plans to have breakfast everyday together, or some other designated time together.  </div><div>
    </div><div>As for the problems with his son, yes it is normal kid behavior, but I think your FI needs to talk to him about listening to you.  Whether or not you used to be the primary caregiver when he is there, you are now.  You and your FI need to sit down with his son and talk about how he needs to listen to you when your FI is gone, and set some ground rules for that.  </div>
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    Ditto what Beach said. 

    If you get a chance, the bases often have "family nights" (sometimes called other things) where you can go and learn more about deployments, tricare, etc... but one of the things they touch on is kids lashing out because of the parent that comes and goes. They give you tips and tools to help work with this, and they also provide free caregivers for the evening so you can go without needing a sitter... It might be worth checking out if you're close enough? Are you involved in the wives club at all?
  • LetsHikeTodayLetsHikeToday member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Beach and First. Research some programs for families. They will be able to help all three of you!

    Your FI was right, welcome to the military! It sucks but it's part of the trade off. H is in recruiting right now. He should have "set hours" but hasn't had those set hours since his new chief came. I never know when H will be home. Just keep an open mind and continue planning time together!
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Also, I would talk to your FI about going to counseling together.  Military One Source provides free counseling for service members and their dependents.  I don't think you can go in there on your own as a FI, but he could make the appointment for the 3 of you to go in together, and also for just the 2 of you to go in.  Getting adjusted to the schedule is tough, but adding a 7 year old in the mix is even harder.  If you're already getting upset and aggravated about the situation, I definitely suggest talking to a counselor.  That is what they are there for, and see this all the time so they probably have even more suggestions and ideas for you.  


    Here is the website, sent right to the info about counseling.  There are other tools on there as well that you might find useful.  Mil1Source is a great tool for families, and many don't even know about it.
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    When FI and I used Mil One Source for our pre-engagment counseling (to make sure we were making a good decision), our counselor told me that because I was part of FI's "issue", I could come in on my own for some of the 12 sessions and that it would count towards his. 

    Check into it at least.
    I hate Dave Ramsey
  • mckay1ammckay1am member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks SO much for all of your advice and support!

    We are going to be doing a pre-marital course with a chaplain on base. Discussing that topic was one of the things that lead me to post this, actually. Things are slightly complicated by the fact that he has horrendous sleep apnea. If he goes to get it checked out and get a machine or whatever is necessary before he's been in for 15 years, it'll negatively affect his career. (Something about not having power at some bases overseas, and if he has a machine (which he surely will--it's bad) he is going to be non-deployable which equals semi-uselessness in the AF). 

    We do the separate sleeping arrangement when sleep is impossible for either one of us because of the getting up/going to bed or the sleep apnea. We don't have a spare bedroom so one of us sleeps on the couch, and whoever sleeps on the couch doesn't sleep as well.

    We have talked to his son together a LOT since this shift change happened. He has a poor living situation at his mom's house and there have been transitions there, too, so that's contributing to this. Working with her on them is far from easy, so we're basically on our own. I'm definitely going to look into that family stuff on base.

    As far as the wives clubs go, how do I find out about those? I'm semi-new to this area and I think that would be an awesome way to meet people and gain support. 

    Thanks again!
    Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
  • edited December 2011

    If you know any of the wives from the base, you can ask them about it. Most wives clubs meet once a month to talk about events on base and in the area, help answer questions, meet more people, etc. My wives club actually has a facebook page, so that's one way you could look it up! (try typing in "osc _____" with your squadron or whatever. that might find something) You could also have your FI ask around.. I'm sure that one of the other guys knows.

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