Invites for the Shower

katie1carter · September 2010

Because of the location and budget, my FI and I are limiting our guest list. That means that we're not going to be able to invite everyone that we want to. I still want some of the girls that I went to college with to celebrate with us, so I was thinking of inviting them to the shower. Is it rude to invite them to the shower if I can't invite them to the wedding. My FI thinks that will come off like they weren't good enough to make the wedding list. Help!

strlzfan11 · September 2010

Yes, it's rude to invite them to the shower and not invite them to the wedding.

L-Bride · September 2010

Yes, you shoudln't invite anyone to pre-wedding festivities that isn't invited to the actual wedding.

danieliza1127 · September 2010

Yes, anyone invited to any pre-wedding parties has to be invited to the wedding.

If you can't invite them, you just can't invite them. Maybe after the wedding you and all of your friends could get together for dinner to celebrate.

twilight.rose · September 2010

Your FI and PPs are absolutely right.

Ditto dani's idea about a non-wedding related dinner or night out at a later date.

eriley333 · September 2010

I agree with everyone else. Don’t invite any one to your "pre-wedding" festivals if they aren’t invited to the wedding.

waltzingmatilda13 · September 2010

Your FI is absolutely correct.

mcornelissen · September 2010

Yes, I would consider that very rude.

elassemblee · September 2010

funny... I wouldn't mind... If you explain to people beforehand why they didn't make the list but that you'd still like to involve them whenever you can, why would they be offended?
I personnally was invited by a friend of mine to her shower when she was getting married in Colombia in a small intimate wedding, and I was just happy to celebrate with her.

Brooklclark · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invites-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2e4dcf0c-db83-4bbb-8057-ef09a069921aPost:2b905236-21af-4321-bd0d-36eba1a163a5">Re: Invites for the Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, anyone invited to any pre-wedding parties has to be invited to the wedding. If you can't invite them, you just can't invite them. Maybe after the wedding you and all of your friends could get together for dinner to celebrate.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

Good idea for a event/dinner after the wedding for those who you could not invite.

heyimbren · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invites-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2e4dcf0c-db83-4bbb-8057-ef09a069921aPost:f311115f-3e84-4e80-9447-c22221b855ab">Re: Invites for the Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]funny... I wouldn't mind... If you explain to people beforehand why they didn't make the list but that you'd still like to involve them whenever you can, why would they be offended? I personnally was invited by a friend of mine to her shower when she was getting married in Colombia in a small intimate wedding, and I was just happy to celebrate with her.
Posted by elassemblee[/QUOTE]

You're the exception then, and just because it happened to you doesn't make it okay. She shouldn't have done that, it goes against etiquette.

Here is why I think it's rude even if other people "understand":
I truly believe the guest list is the most important part of a wedding. Start by making a guest list of everyone you want at the wedding. THEN you factor in other costs. Make sure that whatever you do for a ceremony/reception can accomodate your guest list and not the other way around.

Usually when people say "the budget doesn't allow for more people!" what they really mean is they can't afford to cough up another $30 (or more) to have another plate for a person. But it was THEIR choice to choose a $30 per person wedding. Therefore, trying to include people in other ways such as the shower (which doesn't cost the bride ANYTHING) is like saying "I want my dream wedding and I can't afford to have you there- but I still want to spend some time with you, so will you come to my shower and bring a gift? Because I can totally afford to invite you to that [because the bride isn't paying]."

banana468 · September 2010

I would be offended. I'm not "celebrating" with the couple when I'm asked to a gift giving party.

katie1carter · September 2010

Thanks for the input. I did leave out that the shower would say no gifts on the invite. That is not what a I am going for at all. And as far as adding all the people that would love to have there, it just isn't possible. We would have a guest list of over 400 including all of his fraternity brothers and the people that I have met as I moved from city to city. Be both have large families that take up over half of the guest list of 200, so it has become a very difficult task to make the guest list.

Thanks for the idea of a non-wedding dinner with those extra people. I'm still trying to work them into the guest list, but I will definatly use that if I just can't.

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