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September 2010 Weddings

*Vent*/B&C re: BM

We've been engaged for 10 months now and this whole process has been virtually "drama free" (gracias a Dios!!!). However, I have a minor vent - not so much angry, but my feelings are hurt. :-(

Background info:

FI & I had a different idea of what the number of BM/GM should be (I wanted 9, he wanted 5... we settled at 6 lol). However, for the 3 "BMs" I had to "cut", I made them candelighters/honorary BMs. We got engaged in February and I officially "asked" all the girls in August, at which time I gave them all the details of their dress/price and when to order it (DB said it had to be by 12/31 or risk the dress being discountinued after the new year). I even told everyone that I knew the order date was early so I would be willing purchase the dresses if they could pay me back some time before 9/18/10 (over a whole year away at that point). About 2 weeks after giving this info, one HBM told me should couldn't do it due to financial issues. Yea, I was sad she couldn't do it but I completely understood. She then offered to play the piano for us since FI had put his foot down about a string quartet but I really wanted live music. Ok - perfect: she is still "in" our wedding and I get live music. Woo hoo! :-)

Here's where the vent/hurt feelings come in:
A few weeks ago (early Dec), ex-HBM tells me she's signing up for PT (personal training) with my old PT for the month of Dec - March. I know what he costs and it's a whole heck of a lot more than a BM dress. I didn't say anything because I figure, "well, that sucks but it's her money, her priorities". It hurt my feelings but I certainly can't tell her how to spend her money.

Then, earlier today, I get a message from her saying that she won't be able to play piano for us either because she's going to be really busy with her business fraternity and classes. Keep in mind, we are still 8 1/2 months out. Again, I say nothing because it's her life, her priorities (and who am I to say that playing piano in our wedding is more important than school...pretty sure I'd lose that battle!). This just kind of hurts myfeelings though, because I feel like she keeps finding excuses or keeps putting things in front of what she had told me she would do; keeping her word to me is obviously not one of her priorities.

We've been friends for about 7 years now, and something like this definitely wouldn't end our friendship but it's really hurt my feelings and I see things regarding her a little bit differently now.

Thanks for reading my novel. I just wanted to B&C. I told her that I understood (because I do, as much as I don't "get" her reasoning) but that I wanted to talk to her when she gets home (she was on vacay when she told me) just so she understands how I feel, too.

Am I way off the mark/being a 'Zilla about this? Would this upset you?

Re: *Vent*/B&C re: BM

  • I don't think you're being a Bridezilla, since you're not actually saying anything to her.  You can't control the fact that something upsets you, but you CAN control your reaction, which you are.  And FWIW, I would be a little upset too.  I have a few friends like this, with super screwed-up priorities, and they really don't seem to realize it.  It hurts when you're constantly getting pushed to the back burner, so it's completely natural how you feel.  And kudos to you for NOT blowing up at her about it. 

    When you guys talk, it's perfectly reasonable to say something like , "Look, I know that my wedding isn't top priority to anyone but me and FI, but sometimes I feel like you're choosing everything else in your life over being in my wedding, and it upsets me because I really wanted to share the experience with you."  Just be calm and try not to yell or get judgy, but let her know why you're upset and that you really wanted her to be part of the wedding in some way.
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  • I don't think you're being a bridezilla. If she didn't want to be in your wedding she should have just said so. I would just ask her point blank if she really does want to be involved in the wedding, or if she would be happier just being a guest. Tell her that changing her mind and changing her plans is affecting your wedding planning, so you need to know if you should expect to count on her or not. Try to say it nicely, but it sounds like you've a been a whole lot of "nicely" with her, and she thinks she can just walk all over you. But also remember that, as women, for whatever reason, it is really really difficult for us to say no to doing something. So give her that option, judgement-free. She may just be looking for an out.
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  • Ah, Amanda is very wise.  I agree, give her the option of just being a guest, maybe it will make the whole issue go away.
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  • I completely agree with everything that Amanda just said.
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  • Im with those guys ^ Additionally I'd like to say that even though it sucks, you're right-- you can't live her life/ make her decisions. I think we all want out wedding to be a priority - especially given the amount of notice she's had. But apparently there are ways around that for her schedule --- I'd be heated but I would probably right her off and not invite her (In my head it'd play out like this: I'd probably go all Shanay Nay on her and be like- "well since you are too busy to be IN the wedding and even re-nig on the piano playing YOU volunteered for don't even bother coming!") But sometimes my head is like JD on Scrubs and I get mini scenarios in my head that don't make sense.....

    Tongue out

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  • Hahaha Ferdy!  I would probably THINK about doing the same thing, which is why I commend the OP for being so calm and polite.
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  • im going to chime in and say i agree with PPs! :)
  • Musicheals71Musicheals71 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2009
    What's B&C?  Haven't come across that lingo yet.  Biitch and what?
  • Ditto Amanda.
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  • Thank you for all of your input/advice!

    She called me when she landed in KC and wanted to talk about it then so I basically told her what I wrote here. We talked about it and are "OK" now. Things haven't changed but she knows where I'm coming from and I know where she's coming from - yay communication. haha :-)

    Anyway, life goes on and she's offered to do anything else she can to help out leading up to the wedding (invites, decorating) but doesn't want to commit to something that could be long-term. She was grateful for the option to just come as a guest and took it, so thank you for that!

    We're planning on getting together later this week and discuss again in person, but I think we're both in a "good" place right now.

    Also, B&C (I just learned this one at work) = B!tch and Complain

    Thanks again, ladies!! :-)
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