Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart

Knottie_22383165 · March 2013

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Sokissable415 · March 2013

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peekaboo2011 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:2761c133-a5fa-488f-a621-f19fca6d586a">Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been dating by boyfriend for 2.5 years. I am 28 and he is 26. <strong> Lately I have been wanting to move in together and I was hoping that he would propose soon. He agreed </strong>to move in together and we started looking at places.<strong> Then I found out that he does not have as much money left over after monthly bills for living expenses (he currently lives with his parents) as I do so it would make moving in together very difficult to afford.</strong> I have been living in a small one bedroom that's not big enough for the two of us. This lead to fights and me stating that I feel like the relationship isn't going anywhere and at 28 I really want to be further along in the relationship than we are. T<strong>hen his younger sister got engaged </strong>and I got extremely upset and we started fighting even more. During one of our fights he told me that <strong>he DID buy me an engagement ring already</strong>. He only told me that because I was telling him I didn't feel that he was really committed to this relationship and he isn't ready to grow up and take the next step. So he told me he got the ring to prove that he is ready to take the next step. So I know that he bought me a ring months ago, but he has not proposed yet, he hasn't asked my parent's permission yet. I don't even think he had an actual proposal plan. And now everything is ruined.<strong> He can't propose anytime soon because it's all out there in the open and nothing is a surprise anymore.</strong> And <strong>every time I hear about his sister's wedding plans I FREAK out! I feel like he is older and he should have stepped up and proposed first. He knew his sister was getting engaged and he already had the ring, so I don't know why he didn't propose.</strong> During one of our fights I told him that since we can't afford to live together I feel like an engagement wouldn't go anywhere anyway. I just don't know what to do. Everything is such a mess. How can I make this situation better so that he can still propose in a nice way when the time comes? Right now we are barely talking. I feel like we are closer to breaking up than taking the next step forward. And neither one of us wants to break up, but things got so messed up neither one of us know how to fix it. I feel stuck. We can't move in together and the engagement is ruined, not like he really had a plan for it anyway. I still feel like he wasn't actually ready to take the next step.
Posted by Sokissable415[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>1. You wanted to move in and get engaged, but was he really ready? You said he "agreed" to move in with you. That doesn't sound like he was ready, it sounds like he was trying to appease you.</div><div>
</div><div>2. If he can't afford it, he can't afford it. Is he handling his money like he should, or is he spending money on random stuff and then saying he doesn't have enough?</div><div>
</div><div>3. His younger sister getting engaged shouldn't have any bearing on your relationship or your timeline. It is NOT a race to see who gets engaged first.</div><div>
</div><div>4. If he actually can't afford to live with you and/or not with his parents, he probably shouldn't buy an engagement ring. It sounds here like he doesn't know how to handle his money.</div><div>
</div><div>5. He can propose whenever he wants. Your knowing that he has a ring shouldn't change whether or not he can/will propose. An engagement should never be a complete surprise.</div><div>
</div><div>6. Again, his sister's timeline shouldn't impact your timeline AT ALL. Why does it matter if she got engaged first? Her getting engaged/married before you do doesn't invalidate your relationship just because she's younger.</div><div>
</div><div>Maybe it's just that you're venting, but I really think you're probably not ready to take the next step. You sound petty and immature by focusing so much on his sister's plans. Be happy for her, and focus on your relationship where it is now. If you were talking about living together, why wouldn't you talk about money before looking at places? That's kind of a really big deal.</div>

ravenray · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:483e710e-53ac-4a0c-865d-db4d2bdf0560">Re: Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart : 1. You wanted to move in and get engaged, but was he really ready? You said he "agreed" to move in with you. That doesn't sound like he was ready, it sounds like he was trying to appease you. 2. If he can't afford it, he can't afford it. Is he handling his money like he should, or is he spending money on random stuff and then saying he doesn't have enough? 3. His younger sister getting engaged shouldn't have any bearing on your relationship or your timeline. It is NOT a race to see who gets engaged first. 4. If he actually can't afford to live with you and/or not with his parents, he probably shouldn't buy an engagement ring. It sounds here like he doesn't know how to handle his money. 5. He can propose whenever he wants. Your knowing that he has a ring shouldn't change whether or not he can/will propose. An engagement should never be a complete surprise. 6. Again, his sister's timeline shouldn't impact your timeline AT ALL. Why does it matter if she got engaged first? Her getting engaged/married before you do doesn't invalidate your relationship just because she's younger. Maybe it's just that you're venting, but I really think you're probably not ready to take the next step. You sound petty and immature by focusing so much on his sister's plans. Be happy for her, and focus on your relationship where it is now. If you were talking about living together, why wouldn't you talk about money before looking at places? That's kind of a really big deal.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]
I agree with Peeks. <div><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:8.5pt;line-height:115%;">You should slow your roll and be happy for his sister. It is not a race. Also just because you know now does not mean that he can't propose, it doesn't have to be surprise. </span> </p></div>

audrewuh · March 2013

sounds to me like you're all up in arms about his money and his sister's wedding.

You need to back away and calm down. Forget about his sister's wedding. That is a completely different relationship.

Finances: come up with a spreadsheet. If you want to move in with each other, logically look at how much you can afford for rent, utilities, internet, cell phone, groceries, etc. Put it in a spreadsheet and then figure out if, together you can afford it. Then make your next step.

Engagement: it doesn't have to be a surprise, but I don't blame the guy for putting it off if all you're going to do is sit in a corner and whine about how he can't afford to live with you and how his life is in such shambles that his little sister is getting married before he is.

Being able to financially support an SO is a big deal to guys. Cut him a break and work WITH him instead of against him. And encourage him. Help him find a solution to the problem instead of whining about it.

audrewuh · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:009cfa46-e4f0-4026-80b0-714dbf3cb9ba">Re: Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>He makes more money than I do</strong> and he lives at home with his parents, he has no living expenses. I NEVER thought that he wouldn't be able to afford to support himself. He didn't realize that he couldn't support himself becuase he had no concept of how expensive life is. And he really does not spend money on things. He is not irresponsible with money. His bills are all completely normal, school loan, car loan, insurance. Nothing that can easily be cut back on. I just never realized how much his outgoing bills are. So that put a lot of strain on the relationship. My issue with his younger sister getting engaged is that <strong>she is younger but she is making all of those 'life steps' before him</strong>. She already moved out of their parent's house, now she is getting married. And it makes me worry that he doens't have more motivation to want to grow up. He said that he really wants to move and he wants to move in with me. But he isn't taking the steps to increase his income. He did make a budget and he said he would start applying for new jobs after he is done coaching. I'm just tired of coming home alone every night. I'm 28, I want to get married, I want to start a family. And I am starting to worry that<strong> I am getting too old</strong>. Plus <strong>all of my cousins, all of my friends they are already married and on to their second kids already.</strong>
Posted by Sokissable415[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Quit comparing him to other people. Love him for who he is, if you want to be with him.</div><div>
</div><div>And stop comparing yourself to other people. 28 is just fine in age. One of my favorite posters on here is 34 and got married last June. IT ISN'T A RACE. </div><div>
</div><div>Be content with who you are. Make yourself better for the sake of yourself or a higher power, not because the people around you are doing something. And lord have mercy give your guy a break or walk out. You're talking badly of him irks me.

</div>

ravenray · March 2013

You know that story about the boy who wanted to get to the future so bad a witch gave him a ball of string? And everything he wanted to jump farther ahead in time he just had to pull the string. It was great at first. Then one day he looked back on his life and realized he didn't remember anything and had a wife and children all grown up. Then he pulled the string too far and he dies.

"I'm just tired of coming home alone every night. I'm 28, I want to get married, I want to start a family. And I am starting to worry that I am getting too old. Plus all of my cousins, all of my friends they are already married and on to their second kids already. "

Things in life happen at different time for different people. Stop comparing yourself to others; it will only make you unhappy. Enjoy life and your relationship as it is. The moment you stop pulling your string, you will be a lot happier. Help him work out a budget. There are things you can cut back on. Figure it out but love him for who he is not who you want him to be. That is a lot of unfair pressure on him.

audrewuh · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:a158a71b-b5f1-4922-91a9-6d7e046d78ad">Re: Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]You know that story about the boy who wanted to get to the future so bad a witch gave him a ball of string? And everything he wanted to jump farther ahead in time he just had to pull the string. It was great at first. Then one day he looked back on his life and realized he didn't remember anything and had a wife and children all grown up. Then he pulled the string too far and he dies. " I'm just tired of coming home alone every night. I'm 28, I want to get married, I want to start a family. And I am starting to worry that I am getting too old. Plus all of my cousins, all of my friends they are already married and on to their second kids already. " Things in life happen at different time for different people. Stop comparing yourself to others; it will only make you unhappy. Enjoy life and your relationship as it is. The moment you stop pulling your string, you will be a lot happier. Help him work out a budget. There are things you can cut back on. <strong> Figure it out but love him for who he is not who you want him to be. That is a lot of unfair pressure on him.</strong>
Posted by ravenray[/QUOTE]

<div>Ray, your formatting was a little wonky. Also, I had never heard that story before. I like it! Sounds like that Adam Sandler movie Flick or something like that. Where he has the remote to control life? Yea, that one. </div><div>
</div><div>Also, thanks for saying that. I think OP may need to hear it more than once. </div>

ravenray · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:4c808405-86ed-4ff8-b228-bcddd3bd1244">Re: Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart : Ray, your formatting was a little wonky. Also, I had never heard that story before. I like it! Sounds like that Adam Sandler movie Flick or something like that. Where he has the remote to control life? Yea, that one. Also, thanks for saying that. I think OP may need to hear it more than once.
Posted by audrewuh[/QUOTE]
<p style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:normal;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:8.5pt;">Ya I tried to fix it. Is it better now? I added spaces. It was hard to read. lol</span><span style="font-size:12pt;font-family:'Times New Roman', serif;"></span></p> <p style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:10.5pt;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:8.5pt;"> </span></p> <p style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:10.5pt;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:8.5pt;">Thanks, it's an old (German I think?) fairy tale that the Adam Sandler movie way based on. </span></p>

missfrodo · March 2013

It can be tough to see all your friends and family get married and start having kids, but please listen to PPs--this is not a race. This is YOUR life. 28 is not too old to have kids; in fact, I think it's a great time to start.

minskat31 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:594826cb-b66e-4f1c-b4da-da4f5db08978">Re: Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart : Quit comparing him to other people. Love him for who he is, if you want to be with him. And stop comparing yourself to other people. 28 is just fine in age. One of my favorite posters on here is 34 and got married last June. IT ISN'T A RACE. Be content with who you are. Make yourself better for the sake of yourself or a higher power, not because the people around you are doing something. And lord have mercy give your guy a break or walk out. You're talking badly of him irks me.
Posted by audrewuh[/QUOTE]

Couldn't agree more with all of this. Do you want to get married or do you want to be with this man? You can want both but if he doesn't, you need to slow your roll to keep the BF you (I assume) love. Also, I'm 31 and getting married in almost three weeks (and at 28 and single wasn't panicking about it) so I find it a little irritating that you think there is a timeline you have to keep up on.

s-aries8990 · March 2013

I truly hope this is just a vent because based on your OP you sound like you just want to get MARRIED and he happens to be your SO now so he should be the one you get married to. I make more money than the majority of my friends (I'm pretty confident in saying I make more than like 80% of them), BUT because my living expenses are so high, I can't be a "normal" 22 year old. I've gone out to a bar about 3 times in the last 6 months -_- not fun. I'm sure that after realizing the cost of living out of his parent's house, he probably feels pretty down about it. Not to mention your fights being exacerbated by your frustration with his sister.

It sounds like you are upset at him for having such high living expenses; ish happens! You'll figure out a way to make it work! And life continues, so even if you CAN'T find a way to make the apartment you choose work, you find a way to make some apartment work. If you truly love him and his faults are not contributing to his lack of expendable income (ie- not a gambler, over-spender, frivolous, etc), you should be able to overlook that you will have more in-pocket than him at the end of the month and just make it work.

Your frustration is understandable, but it's not your boyfriend's fault that your life isn't where you wanted it to be whenever you arbitrarily decided when you wanted to make your life steps. Everyone's life unfolds differently. If everyone's life was the exact same, it would kinda suck. A close family friend thought she would be married by 30 with the husband, dog, 2.5 kids and a picket fence. At 30 she was sort-of engaged to my cousin (they decided, but nothing formal) and wend dress shopping, bought a dress, and was ready to become part of my family. At 31 he dumped her after being together for about 5 years, left her in a strange state, saddled with the debt she incurred while moving several states over to set up a home for him while he was serving overseas. She was left nearly broke with a wedding dress and no place to go. She moved in with my family and lived in my room while I slept in a spare bed in my mothers room. She finally got married this summer at 36? to a wonderful man, they found out they were expecting this Christmas and couldn't be more happy.-- Being married at 28 is so much less important than being married to your life partner.

Its tough to see people making life steps that you want to make (oh I want to move out SOOOO BAD!!!) but you have to trust that everything happens when it is supposed to.

Your life has nothing to do with his sister's, so leave them out.

Do you want to marry your boyfriend? Honestly. Just because you're with someone doens't mean that you really want to marry them. If you don't see it going anywhere, then leave him. If you do but you're just being impatient, then cut him some goshdarn slack. Based on your OP it just sounds like he was handed a crapstorm of emotion and demands without warning.

If you love him, you'll wait until he's ready.

loves2shop4shoes · March 2013

So, you're the older one. But it sounds to me like you are the one who needs to grow up...big time.

You wanted to move in with him, but you had no idea what his finances were like, and now that you know, you don't like it and allow it to cause fights. Either he's so financially irresponsible that it's a dealbreaker & you leave, or you suck it up.

It seems to me like you're very fixated on being 28 and not married. So much so that you let his less-than-ideal finances lead to the statement that the relationship isn't "going anywhere". WHAT? Then his younger sister got engaged and you got upset...and started fights with your BF. WHY? Grow up. Be happy for her. It's not a competition...and if it were, my money would be on her being the more mature (and ready for marriage) party. Being older doesn't make someone ready for marriage.

You make comments like "You're not committed to this relationship", but you still want to live with him. And you still want to get married. THAT makes sense. Because every girl wants to marry a dude she believes isn't committed to her. Sounds like you're dramatic. And immature. And stomping your little foot that his sister is getting married before you. GROW UP.

And after all of that, you want him to propose and are trying to remove your foot from your mouth quickly so he'll pop the question?! WHY? So you can feel better about being 28 and unmarried?

You have not said one thing to make me believe that you love your BF. That you genuinely want to spend your life with him. It seems that you are absolutely obsessed with getting married NOWNOWNOW because you're 28 so TICKTOCK. You're obsessing about his sister's wedding, which is immature and not particularly dignified. All you want is a PPD.

I think you should just end the relationship since obviously you only care about yourself...and don't seem to care about your BF or his family at all. But since you're so self-centered, you won't do that. So I pray for your BF's sake that he sees through the facade and runs for the hills.

Edited for grammar.

csousa1 · March 2013

You do NOT sound so kissable.

audrewuh · March 2013

SoKissable, why you no come back and talk to us?

cu97tiger · March 2013

Posted by Sokissable415One of my favorite posters on here is 34 and got married last June. .nbsp; Posted by audrewuh I had to read this twice because I wanted it to say one of your favorite posters is 37 and got married last March.

buddysmom80 · March 2013

I'm late to the game, but I have to agree 10000000% with Shoes. Print out her advice and tape it on every wall of your house. You need some growing up to do. Life isn't easy and life isn't a race. Stop comparing yourself to other people and/or relationships or it's going to put a strain on your relationship.

FWIW you guys need to sit down and have a SERIOUS money talk. That's the one thing couples avoid talking about before taking any step forward because money is an uncomfortable subject. Before BF and I moved in together we sat down and figured out our debts, assets, etc and made an agreement on the bills for the household (I pay 100% of the mortgage, BF pays all the utilities and groceries). Granted, he's paying less for bills than my mortgage, BUT he has a lot more debt than I do (student loans, car payments, supporting his mother 100%) and in the past six months he's paid down a lot of his bills and paid off his car early. If we didn't have this talk I don't know what would've happened.

My friend started dating her FI a few months after BF and I started dating. They got engaged over V-day. I'm happy for her. Granted, I had a BSC moment but I realized that my BF and I have only been living together for six months and are still working out the kinks. We're not ready to be engaged. Her FI moved in three weeks after dating so they know their little weird quirks of living with someone and everyone has them lol. With that being said, I'm not in a race with my friend. She's in a race, she thinks she's "old" at 29 and not married or had kids yet. I'm 32 my BF is 28 and we're in a marathon and I'm quite alright with that. My biological clock isn't ticking, neither is BFs. I know women in the late 40's that had their first kid, so the clock is NOT ticking for me. I'm happy where we are right now and I enjoy every day that BF and I are together.

Blue & White · March 2013

My sister just got married. That literally pushed my engagement back through her entire engagement (she got married in like six months, so it wasn't that long.)

My brother bought his engagement ring before my FI did. Ya know what they did? They talked to each other like grown men and decided FI would go "first". My brother is GOING to get engaged this month, a month after I'm engaged. And I AM SO EXCITED.

Also, if your boyfriend can't even afford to pay rent on his current income/bills, you should probably not be worrying about an engagement, even if he has the ring. Weddings are expensive, and even if you do a JOP wedding, you still will likely have to pay rent somewhere...

I'd recommend slowing your roll. As for how to save your relationship? I'd recommend talking to the guy. And listening. Because that wasn't happening previously.

Also, I totally did a double take and thought "where the heck is she from that she NEEDS to be married by 28?" Central PA wasn't my first guess...cause lemme tell ya, my friends in Central PA? They're not even engaged yet. And they're 27-30. So omg, you're not the last one ever to get engaged. Chill out.

lennonkdc · March 2013

Yeah...I was going to type out a nice post with all the sage advice that I have learned from being 32, dating FI for almost 10 years, seeing all his sibling and most of our friends get married before us, and feeling (from time to time) the pressure of the ol'biological clock.

But I think it the end OP's going to have to figure it out herself.

Cause life a wise man once said- "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans..."

Good Luck OP!

leia1979 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:1d8a969a-9153-4ac8-80e3-d7db3e6dbb7a">Re:Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]Posted by Sokissable415One of my favorite posters on here is 34 and got married last June. .nbsp; Posted by audrewuh

I had to read this twice because I wanted it to say one of your favorite posters is 37 and got married last March.
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

I'm still trying to figure out who that means.

Anyway, if OP ever comes back, I didn't meet my H until I was 28. You may have thought you'd be married by 30, but it's really no freakin big deal if you aren't.

leia1979 · March 2013

Also, your engagement is ruined because of this? Are you 15? I think you need to evaluate your priorities. Sorry for the double post. TK wouldn't let me edit.

bethsmiles · March 2013

You are being ridiculous. A majority of my friends are married (and now starting to have babies!) but that doesn't mean that's where BF and I need to be. Every relationship moves at it's own pace and it's not worth it to constantly compare your life to other's.

BF's sister is younger than him and has been dating a fantastic guy for the last 3 years. If they got engaged today I would be THRILLED for her. Hell if my own little brother got engaged before me I'd still be thrilled because I adore his girlfriend and their happiness doesn't take away from mine, in fact it adds to it!

And the engagement isn't ruined. You sound like a 5 year-old stomping her feet because things aren't going exactly her way. Guess what, that behaviour isn't attractive.

I hope you realize you have some maturing to do before you move forward in this relationship.

beanbot2002 · March 2013

I had a friend, a long time ago, who got angry with me and another friend for doing things before her. Other friend got engaged the same week I found out I was pregnant with Bean. So, angry friend yelled at us saying, "NOT FAIR! I'm older! You're supposed to let me do those things first!!" She is all of 1 year older than us.
I offered to try and keep my cervix tightly closed and Bean holed up in my uterus while she met, dated, and married some fella. I'm not sure she ever realized how crazeballs her flip-out was.
That's all I have to add. Everyone else has given solid advice. Just follow it.

peekaboo2011 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:55453c99-eded-446a-8ac6-c2fea47f42e3">Re:Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not worried that my engagement is ruined and stamping my feet. I realize that the finances and not being able to move in together as we thought is a bigger deal than being engaged. I will not apologizing for loving my BF and waiting to move forward in our relationship. I don't see how any of you could say its unreasonable to want to wake up next to him everyday. I realize that we should have talked about a budget together. But again knowing my income ad that I've been supporting myself since college and him making more and living at home that we would not have an issue. Especially because he is not irresponsible with money. He does not spend money on expensive things that he doesn't need. I'm disappointed that we can not take that next step to move in together like I thought last month. And I'm not angry that he can't afford what I can. I understand and I would have no problem paying for more of the living expenses. I have been applying for better paying jobs. And I have a part time job that I don't mind working to help cover that gap. My other job and his coaching give us very different schedules and its very hard to see each other sometimes. Again another reason why I want to move in together. I want to see him and spend time with him. Not apologizing for any of that. So my issue is not that I'm not engaged currently or that it won't be happening anytime soon. My issue is I feel like we are stuck and I want to move forward for several reasons. I was engaged in the past. We were less than 4 months out from our wedding when I found out he was cheating on me. I called off the wedding, moved out of the house we owned together and I started over. With thousands in debt from a wedding that I never had<strong>! I am scared to get engaged again</strong>. I would like to just move in with him right now. And I don't think that's wanting too much after dating for almost 2.5 years. So judge me all you want. I do love him. I want to move forward with him. I want to spend more time with him. And I want to have a deeper commitment to each other. Why am I so horrible for that?!
Posted by Sokissable415[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Okay. Go read what you wrote last night and compare it to this. This sounds reasonable. Last night's posts sound like you're throwing a temper tantrum.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: You also said in your first post that you were hoping he'd propose soon. That seriously contradicts that you're scared to get engaged again. I'm half tempted to call troll and/or MUD.</div>

audrewuh · March 2013

In Response to Re:Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart:[QUOTE]Posted by Sokissable415One of my favorite posters on here is 34 and got married last June. .nbsp; Posted by audrewuh

I had to read this twice because I wanted it to say one of your favorite posters is 37 and got married last March. Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

I am talking about you!!! It's so hard for me to believe you're actually 37.

[Deleted User] · March 2013

so if you say that he isn't financially irresponsible and blow money on expensive stuff, then where is his money going?

kmbryant2413 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:edf0c1c2-b878-4a93-964a-8991e99bdaa6">Re:Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]I was hoping that our relationship was going to move forward and not stay where it is. I do feel pressure to get married due to my age and my past. But I want to move in together. That is the main frustration right now. Actually the main concern is how crappy our relationship has gotten in the last month and feeling like we are in this rut. And after thinking about everything, I am scared to get engaged again. I just wanted to know what he wanted to and was ready to take the next step. And again I never pressured him to go but a ring. I talked about moving in together because that is much more important to me right now. Last night was just not a good night and it came out all wrong. <strong>The question was how to fix our relationship.</strong> Not how to get him to propose ASAP.
Posted by Sokissable415[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>You talk, like the grown ups that you say you are. Forgive us, but all we have to go on is what YOU wrote, and especially in your first post you sound like a self entitled, impatient little girl. You're getting better, I think.</div><div>
</div><div>Figure up a budget. Eat ramen. Sell plasma. If you want to move in that bad, then get a little sh!thole apartment and be happy just being together. Don't sit there and say 'All I want is to be close to him, you guys are monsters!' You were the one who came on THIS board and started pouting because you weren't engaged. We have no clue who you are. We don't sit on here and pout, every one of us (while we would VERY MUCH like to be engaged/married) are happy with our relationships just as they are at this moment, and we've LEARNED patience.</div><div>
</div><div>I've already been married. It was a disaster, and I was in SUCH A RUSH to get married I stupidly overlooked the fact that the man was an alcoholic, lazy sack of sh!t that beat me. We dated for 3 years, but everyone else was getting married around me. He didn't start this behavior until after we were married.<strong> Be happy being in a relationship with someone who loves you.</strong></div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div>ETA: Changed 'our' board to 'this'. I'm still a noob, not my place to be possessive of an internet board.</div>

kmbryant2413 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:69dc0d3f-0eab-4820-8701-f2e06e18fc9e">Re: Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]so if you say that he isn't financially irresponsible and blow money on expensive stuff, then where is his money going?
Posted by CocoBellaF[/QUOTE]

<div>This, too. If he has 'normal' bills to pay and they are eating all of his money, call the people he owes and get on a lower payment plan. I promise if you are paying them regularly and say that you need to trim it down a little and pay for longer, that they will allow it. ESPECIALLY school loans. </div>

s-aries8990 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:55453c99-eded-446a-8ac6-c2fea47f42e3">Re:Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I'm not worried that my engagement is ruined and stamping my feet</strong>. I realize that the finances and not being able to move in together as we thought is a bigger deal than being engaged. I will not apologizing for loving my BF and waiting to move forward in our relationship.<strong> I don't see how any of you could say its unreasonable to want to wake up next to him everyday.</strong> I realize that we should have talked about a budget together. But again knowing my income ad that I've been supporting myself since college and him making more and living at home that we would not have an issue. Especially because he is not irresponsible with money. He does not spend money on expensive things that he doesn't need. I'm disappointed that we can not take that next step to move in together like I thought last month. And I'm not angry that he can't afford what I can. I understand and I would have no problem paying for more of the living expenses. I have been applying for better paying jobs. And I have a part time job that I don't mind working to help cover that gap. My other job and his coaching give us very different schedules and its very hard to see each other sometimes. Again another reason why I want to move in together.<strong> I want to see him and spend time with him. Not apologizing for any of that.</strong> So my issue is not that I'm not engaged currently or that it won't be happening anytime soon. <strong>My issue is I feel like we are stuck and I want to move forward for several reasons.</strong> I was engaged in the past. We were less than 4 months out from our wedding when I found out he was cheating on me. I called off the wedding, moved out of the house we owned together and I started over. With thousands in debt from a wedding that I never had! I am scared to get engaged again. I would like to just move in with him right now. <strong>And I don't think that's wanting too much after dating for almost 2.5 years.</strong> So judge me all you want. I do love him. I want to move forward with him. I want to spend more time with him. <strong>And I want to have a deeper commitment to each other. Why am I so horrible for that?!</strong>
Posted by Sokissable415[/QUOTE]

If you re-read your first post, that's exactly what it sounded like. If you notice, all posters reacted similarly; we can't read between the lines and can only judge on what you post.

It's not unreasonable to want to live together. In your OP it sounded like you wanted him to move in and he didn't really have a say. We were questioning your motives when we thought they were monetary - you claimed to be upset after learning how little his disposable income after expenses was and that seemed (at least to me) that you were looking for him to move in as a way to help with bills, etc.

Based on your OP you sounded like YOU were stuck on being 28 and NEY, not your relationship was stuck.

Sometimes people can't move to the next step for several reasons, and it's really hard to be the one disappointing the gung-ho one. In my relationship, I'm the one who is making us "stuck," right now I live at home with my mother who works 2 part time jobs and autistic brother. She's in a court battle regarding the house and how my father should be paid off for his half (which he doens't deserve, he lived here for less than 12 months total of the 20 years the house has been owned, not putting a dime into any upkeep or paying any portion of the mortgage). If I move out, my mother and brother would not be able to afford the house, it would go into forclosure, and she would be financially ruined.

My boyfriend of nearly 6 years has been very patient; I know how much he wants to move forward, and I feel guilty that I can't give him what he wants right now, but we make it work. Try and look at the situation from his perspective. It may help you understand his position more.

2.5 years to one person is like 6 months to another and 10 years to their brother. Everyone's timeline is different and yours seems to be (based on what you've written) moving faster than his. Slow down.

You're not horrible for wanting a deeper commitment, but you are horrible for claiming that proposing and moving in ASAP is equivalent to that commitment. You don't have to live with someone or even be engaged to be fully committed to them.

ravenray · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:69dc0d3f-0eab-4820-8701-f2e06e18fc9e">Re: Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>so if you say that he isn't financially irresponsible and blow money on expensive stuff, then where is his money going?</strong>
Posted by CocoBellaF[/QUOTE]
<p style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:normal;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:8.5pt;">This.</span><span style="font-size:12pt;font-family:'Times New Roman', serif;"></span></p> <p style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:10.5pt;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:8.5pt;"> </span></p> <p style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:10.5pt;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:8.5pt;">Also, suck it up and get a small one bedroom apartment. If that is all you can afford than you are the one hampering yourself from moving in with him by saying you don’t want too. Where is his money going? You can’t seriously think that he has a good job yet can’t afford rent? </span></p> <p style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:10.5pt;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:8.5pt;"> </span></p> <p style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:10.5pt;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:8.5pt;">You sound much more reasonable this morning, which is good. Hopefully you can read everyone’s advice and take it to heart. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p>

Belle2188 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:dac9ff73-a2d6-47c4-9b70-fa30bd61829d">Re: Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart : This, too. If he has 'normal' bills to pay and they are eating all of his money, call the people he owes and get on a lower payment plan. I promise if you are paying them regularly and say that you need to trim it down a little and pay for longer, that they will allow it. ESPECIALLY school loans.
Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]
I'm not going to touch most of what's going on here, because it's a mess and PP have given great advice, but I will agree with this post about lowering bills, particularly student loan bills. I had a brief stint as a financial aid counselor, and know for a fact that there are lots of ways to decrease monthly payments. Grow up, and instead of whining about your eggs drying up, use that energy to show maturity and help your BF manage his finances. Research loan consolidation and graduated payment plans for/with him--that's a good place to start. Try <a href="http://www.studentloans.gov" rel="nofollow">www.studentloans.gov</a> or loanconsolidation.ed.gov.<div>
</div><div>Other than that, I don't know what kind of "normal bills" would be eating through all of someone's salary when you seem to be implying that he makes decent money. If he's comfortable disclosing his finances with you, help make a list of his monthly expenses and call each company to see what can be done to reduce his payments.</div>

Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart

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