Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart

[Deleted User]

have you openly talked about what you feel angry about since the fight?

kmbryant2413

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:2fcbf065-2ca8-46b1-b157-a9210ab9da37">Re:Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]His money goes to normal bills, car payment, student loan, insurance a credit card which is from years ago he doesn't put more money on that card. That's how I found out about the engagement ring. When we were doing his budget things just weren't adding up. He was saying he had X amount left over and my calculations were not matching his and he wasn't giving me a clear answer. After enough fights over it he finally told me that the number are off bc he did tell me about the payments he is making on the engagement ring I'm not sure what those payments are or how much he spent on it. I was not expecting that. I would have rather been able to afford to live together without living paycheck to paycheck. I never wanted to move in together so he could support me or I could use his money to get a better standard of living. I support myself just fine and again would be fine with paying more to make it work. And I have taken the steps to increase my income for us. I was getting frustrated that he was not doing the same thing. And we have been talking about moving in together since the fall. He kept dragging his feet without giving a real reason. And now after the fact the reason was the finances. I wish we talked about that then to work out a plan. We would be in a much different place right now.<strong> I was afraid</strong> that he just wasn't ready to grow up and that we were at two different places in our lives. And I don't want to sit around and wait for him to be ready.<strong> I want to be able to move forward</strong> in the near future. But over the last couple months he really has stepped up in all of the ways that he can and I can see that he is ready for it now. He isn't actively looking to increase his income because he is coaching right now. But he assures me that he will start to look for a better paying job once the season is over. I was hoping we could live together prior to the season starting since we never get to see each other during the season. I think the engagement part came across like the issue in my OP because of the type of website this is being discussed on. But that really wasn't my too concern. His sisters engagement makes me realize that we've been talking for months about taking the next step and we haven't gone anywhere again I didn't realize he bought a ring! He really is a great guy. But he is so happy and content all the time that I could see him being fine with our relationship staying exactly where it is for another couple years. And that's not what I want. I want to move forward.<strong> He has stepped up and shown that he is ready to move in together.</strong> He is sticking to the budget he made and cutting back where he can and he has been looking for cheaper places and doing the work to make the appointment. Before it was me doing all of the work of finding the places and I felt like it was me telling him we are doing this, not something we both actually wanted. But ever since he told me about the ring things just aren't the same between us. We are bother hurt and angry and things just completely fell apart.
Posted by Sokissable415[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>What do you mean things fell apart? Are ya'll not speaking? If he assures you that he is going to find a better paying job, that he loves you, and that he is cutting costs and following budgets, what are YOU upset about? Sorry, but it still sounds like you're stamping you feet because you want it <strong>NOW</strong>. Accept that it's not going to happen until coaching season is over and he gets a better job. Figure out what you're really angry about.</div><div>
</div><div>Then sit down and tell him in a simple, concise way. Apologize for fighting, and tell him you love him. Ask him what he is upset about and how YALL can fix it.</div><div>
</div><div>That will go so much further than anything else, unless you just want to continue to let your relationship fall apart. It sounds like yall just aren't communicating. So put your big girl panties on, sit down on the couch, and talk it out. I think we've given all the advice we can.

</div>

Swazzle

I'm having a hard time understanding how someone who lives at home can afford to buy an engagement but can't afford to live on their own. That is a huge red flag to me. 

I'm also not understanding how/why things 'fell apart" just because you found out about the ring?

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:24806fd5-933f-497c-8b94-b340e9499d2d">Re: Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm having a hard time understanding how someone who lives at home can afford to buy an engagement but can't afford to live on their own. That is a huge red flag to me.  I'm also not understanding how/why things 'fell apart" just because you found out about the ring?
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

<div>This is where I am with this whole thing.  I'm also having some horrendous flashbacks to my ex.</div>

Smooch711

Way late to this, BUT, my two cents: 

You say you want to move forward. You say he is working on better income. So, if he is willing/ready to move forward with you by moving in together, are you okay with that? Is that enough for you right now? That's the question. If it is, then what is the problem? You move in, you spend time together, you work at a budget, you work on your relationship and then, he'll propose (when he's ready), right? That sounds good to me.

If you're not okay with that plan and/or it's not enough for you RIGHT NOW, then you need to break this off if you're not willing to wait.

Btw, I met my H at 21. Didn't start dating until 23. Got married at 31. We dated for 5.5 years. I was ready to be married about 3 years before he proposed. I watched his younger brother, our friends get married. No one understood what he was waiting on. Yes, it annoyed the living crap out of me. But what could I do? I loved him. I had to wait. Yes, it sucked. But, I know he wasn't ready until he proposed. I don't think we would have worked out any other way than how it actually happened. He is just a person who will do what they do when they want to. Sounds like your BF might be the same.

Good luck.

GoldenPenguin

I'm confused as to how YOU can afford to live on your own, with "normal" bills, but he makes more than you and can't afford to move in with you - when you would be splitting things (rent, utilities, etc). The math logic on that doesn't add up. And I suck at math.

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:02c7d9cd-19d8-46dd-b064-b1081dfbd0b1">Re: Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]Way late to this, BUT, my two cents:  You say you want to move forward. You say he is working on better income. So, if he is willing/ready to move forward with you by moving in together, are you okay with that? <strong>Is that enough for you right now?</strong> That's the question. If it is, then what is the problem? You move in, you spend time together, you work at a budget, you work on your relationship and then, he'll propose (when he's ready), right? That sounds good to me.<strong> If you're not okay with that plan and/or it's not enough for you RIGHT NOW, then you need to break this off if you're not willing to wait. </strong>Btw, I met my H at 21. Didn't start dating until 23. Got married at 31. We dated for 5.5 years. I was ready to be married about 3 years before he proposed. I watched his younger brother, our friends get married. No one understood what he was waiting on. Yes, it annoyed the living crap out of me. But what could I do? I <strong>loved him. I had to wait.</strong> Yes, it sucked. But, I know he wasn't ready until he proposed. I don't think we would have worked out any other way than how it actually happened. He is just a person who will do what they do when they want to. Sounds like your BF might be the same. Good luck.
Posted by Smooch711[/QUOTE]

Cosigned Sydaries.

Except for the part about having gotten married. Becuase that hasn't happened for me yet.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:00a3adb8-2801-4004-b925-d1cc34e31249">Re: Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm confused as to how YOU can afford to live on your own, with "normal" bills, but he makes more than you and can't afford to move in with you - when you would be splitting things (rent, utilities, etc). The math logic on that doesn't add up. And I suck at math.
Posted by BriSox81[/QUOTE]

This is what I'm most confused about as well.

It also sounds like he bought a ring he couldn't afford...that is not spending responsibly.

Peaseblossom55

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_found-out-he-bought-engagement-ring-and-now-relationship-is-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:8875d71a-1001-400c-b330-fd7079dc2715Post:787b5b73-c731-4476-a4bb-e859904107d5">Re: Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Found out he bought engagement ring and now relationship is falling apart : This is what I'm most confused about as well. It also sounds like he bought a ring he couldn't afford...that is not spending responsibly.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]
I agreed I'm confused on a lot of this as well.  Although I'm beyond exhausted.. so it could be that...

Shiroyasha

Here's my two cents: If you think moving in together will make your relationship fall into fewer ruts, you're wrong.  Every relationship is going to have ruts, whether you live together or not.  You just have to learn to live with the ruts and get through them. Learn to find things to do, even if you have varying schedules.  Moving in together isn't always going to make the relationship feel like it's progressing.  Personally, I feel like it's easier to fall into a rut if you live together.  

And all of the PPs have made very good points of things I couldn't come up with myself.