How much does Dad pay?

Sail2 · May 2011

We just got engaged and I've been looking at wedding venues with my mother. Im very close with my parents and live with my mom. Parents divorced. Dad remarried. My fiancé lives with us too. We cant afford to move. I can barely pay my bills as it is. We are mid 20's. My fiancé works a lot. He mostly knows my mom, has met my Dad a few times and it seemed to go ok. We will be visiting Dad at some point to discuss finances for the wedding. I want to have about 125-200 ppl at a very nice club. Thing is,my Dad said he doesn't have much money to contribute. He's almost nearing retirement age and works like 6 or 7 days a week to get by. I know he'd love to help a lot if he could of course. How much should I expect for him to contribute? Like for a 10-15K wedding? Neither my fiancé or I have great jobs right now and fiancé has a kid and is paying child support. My mom wants me to have my dream wedding too.

cupcakesfrosting · May 2011

Your dad pays exactly how much he offers to pay. If he offers nothing, he pays nothing.

[Deleted User] · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_much-dad-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:9a8917a0-f372-44bb-8b17-1867f271bb3fPost:031415aa-d968-41e4-80ef-32f8cae4d691">How much does Dad pay?</a>:
[QUOTE]We just got engaged and I've been looking at wedding venues with my mother. Im very close with my parents and live with my mom. Parents divorced. Dad remarried. My fiancé lives with us too. We cant afford to move. <strong>I think this sounds like a problem in of itself. I would take a step back, get on top of your bills, save up some money and then start planning the wedding. A longer engagement is perfectly okay. </strong>I can barely pay my bills as it is. We are mid 20's. My fiancé works a lot. He mostly knows my mom, has met my Dad a few times and it seemed to go ok. We will be visiting Dad at some point to discuss finances for the wedding.<strong> Please don't go over to your Dad's house to discuss finances. If he wants to pay for the wedding, whether it is part of it, all of it, or a few things here and there, then let him offer to do so. If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for your wedding yourselves. I think you need to get your own finances and money situation in order before planning a wedding and possibly going into debt over it. </strong>I want to have about 125-200 ppl at a very nice club. Thing is,my Dad said he doesn't have much money to contribute. He's almost nearing retirement age and works like 6 or 7 days a week to get by. I know he'd love to help a lot if he could of course. How much should I expect for him to contribute? <strong>Don't expect anything. If he offers, fine. But don't pressure or ask him. That is rude. </strong> Like for a 10-15K wedding? Neither my fiancé or I have great jobs right now and fiancé has a kid and is paying child support. My mom wants me to have my dream wedding too.
Posted by Sail2[/QUOTE]

[Deleted User] · May 2011

I dunno ladies, this may be another troll or MUD the more I think about it.

zitiqueen · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_much-dad-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:9a8917a0-f372-44bb-8b17-1867f271bb3fPost:031415aa-d968-41e4-80ef-32f8cae4d691">How much does Dad pay?</a>:
[QUOTE]We just got engaged and I've been looking at wedding venues with my mother. Im very close with my parents and live with my mom. Parents divorced. Dad remarried<strong>. My fiancé lives with us too. We cant afford to move. I can barely pay my bills as it is. We are mid 20's.</strong> My fiancé works a lot. He mostly knows my mom, has met my Dad a few times and it seemed to go ok. We will be visiting Dad at some point to discuss finances for the wedding. I want to have about 125-200 ppl at a very nice club. Thing is,my Dad said he doesn't have much money to contribute. He's almost nearing retirement age and works like 6 or 7 days a week to get by. I know he'd love to help a lot if he could of course. How much should I expect for him to contribute? Like for a 10-15K wedding?<strong> Neither my fiancé or I have great jobs right now and fiancé has a kid and is paying child support.</strong> My mom wants me to have my dream wedding too.
Posted by Sail2[/QUOTE]

Sounds like you've got your priorities in order.

mob2689 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_much-dad-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:9a8917a0-f372-44bb-8b17-1867f271bb3fPost:021a443f-ec4f-4e10-b4cb-1cc67f622da4">Re: How much does Dad pay?</a>:
[QUOTE]I dunno ladies, this may be another troll or MUD the more I think about it.
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

I sure hope so <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />

Sail2 · May 2011

Thanks for the replies, no I'm not a troll, this is all new to me! Don't know what a MUD is? I am just asking questions from non family members or friends who have a different perspective and of course as very excited bride to be love this site! Thx

Sail2 · May 2011

Also not sure where to post here w so many boards,jjust looking for advise thx

KellyBrian2013 · May 2011

MUD = Made Up Drama

Agree with PP's... you do not EXPECT your father to pay for anything. You very graciously accept whatever he decides to offer, be it $20,000 or nothing at all.

... and it sounds like you and your FI need to get yourselves in order. If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for it yourselves - this will be a good lesson in fiscal planning & responsibility, it seems.

MyNameIsNot · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_much-dad-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:9a8917a0-f372-44bb-8b17-1867f271bb3fPost:cdde5a53-3f08-4dcc-9eea-10ad86a9066e">Re: How much does Dad pay?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the replies, no I'm not a troll, this is all new to me! Don't know what a MUD is? I am just asking questions from non family members or friends who have a different perspective and of course as very excited bride to be love this site! Thx
Posted by Sail2[/QUOTE]

<div>MUD stands for made up drama. </div><div>
</div><div>It's coming from the idea that no real person would be asking this question, because it is so ridiculous.</div><div>
</div><div>If you are real, you need to get your priorities in order. Until you and your FI can afford to live on your own and support yourselves (and his kid) you have no business being married. When you do get there, your wedding is no one else's responsibility. It is incredibly rude and demanding to ask your parents to help pay for your wedding, and even more so to expect that they contribute a certain amount. If they offer you some money, you gratiously accept and thank them. If they do not offer money, you pay for the wedding you can afford. </div><div>
</div><div>For right now, you need to do some damage control. Call your dad and apologize for being so presumptuous and bratty, and beg his forgiveness for your prior behavior. </div>

Beazilla · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_much-dad-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:9a8917a0-f372-44bb-8b17-1867f271bb3fPost:648bc1e0-f94f-47c8-bf90-f0d2098931ca">Re: How much does Dad pay?</a>:
[QUOTE]MUD = Made Up Drama Agree with PP's... you do not EXPECT your father to pay for anything. You very graciously accept whatever he decides to offer, be it $20,000 or nothing at all. ... and it sounds like you and your FI need to get yourselves in order. If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for it yourselves - this will be a good lesson in fiscal planning & responsibility, it seems.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]
Agreed.

It's fine to have a long engagement to save up for the wedding you really want and you may want to look at your various options to have a nice wedding on a smaller budget if need be. You can't ask anyone to pay for your wedding, but if other people offer to help, be gracious about it. A long engagement to save up may also give you and your FI some more time to get other things in order before you get married.

trix1223 · May 2011

Sadly, Missy, I think this might be real. So on the chance that it is, in fact, a real bride to be:

Sail: Your priorities are dreadfully askew. You can't yet afford to live on your own. You're marrying a man with a child and together, you will have responsibilities for that child. You can barely pay your bills now.

Your dad, although nearing retirement age, has to work 6-7 days per week just to live. It doesn't sound like he's financially stable enough to retire.

And you're considering a 10-15K wedding? And you're considering asking your dad to help fund it?

Sail: if you were my DD, here's what I'd be telling you:
"I love you, honey, and I'm glad you've found someone you love. But if you're thinking of getting married, you need to do a couple of things first. You need to find a way to live on your own and provide your own housing, utilities, food, insurance, child care costs, car payments, clothing, and entertainment.

You need to find a way to pay for your own wedding. And you shouldn't be thinking of a 10-15K party when you'll have so many other financial responsibilities. Re-think your wedding plans. Have a small wedding, and follow it with a lovely cake and punch reception. And enjoy married life."

Sorry, but you're financially not ready to get married yet, and it's not at all appropriate to expect daddy to pay for a party for you either.

Good luck.

katelyn26 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_much-dad-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:9a8917a0-f372-44bb-8b17-1867f271bb3fPost:021a443f-ec4f-4e10-b4cb-1cc67f622da4">Re: How much does Dad pay?</a>:
[QUOTE]I dunno ladies, this may be another troll or MUD the more I think about it.
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>whats a troll or mud?

</div>

stacie+luciano · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_much-dad-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:9a8917a0-f372-44bb-8b17-1867f271bb3fPost:04252be8-e51c-46e3-9b75-2880771617e6">Re: How much does Dad pay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How much does Dad pay? : whats a troll or mud?
Posted by katelyn26[/QUOTE]

<div>As previously stated, MUD is made up drama. </div><div>
</div><div>A troll : <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=troll">http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=troll</a></div>

katelyn26 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_much-dad-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:9a8917a0-f372-44bb-8b17-1867f271bb3fPost:b5127916-9e0b-4a9b-ad8b-60ced04ebc58">Re: How much does Dad pay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How much does Dad pay? : As previously stated, MUD is made up drama. A troll : <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=troll" rel='nofollow'>http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=troll</a>
Posted by stacie+luciano[/QUOTE]
whoops sorry mustve skimmed over that one thanks!

stacie+luciano · May 2011

Katelyn also, can you please try to use proper grammar? Its very, very hard to read your posts when you spell "you" as "u" and use "r" for "are". Thanks.

thesequel · May 2011

OP - just curious....how old are you? How long have you and your FI been together?

As PP have suggested - I'd be calling your dad to apologize and then I'd be having a long engagement during which I would be finding a second (or third) job in order to afford the wedding that you want.

Kristin789 · May 2011

We had 23 guests arrive and sit at tables already set for lunch, then we went to the front of the room and had a short ceremony, followed by champagne toast, followed by baked chicken lunch. All for $16 per person, inclusive.

Paid for a wedding cake baked by the bakery in a grocery store, and the venue cut and served it for free because we were substituting the wedding cake for the regular dessert that usually comes with the lunch we ordered.

You could try something like this instead of a big Saturday night dinner/dance blowout. Sure, it's not your dream wedding, and it wasn't mine either, but it sure got us married when we wanted to be married, and for not much money.

covejack · May 2011

There's a bus coming soon heading for the real world. Maybe you should try and catch it. Best of luck with your planning! You've had some very good advice, think about what these wise women have said.

[Deleted User] · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_much-dad-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:9a8917a0-f372-44bb-8b17-1867f271bb3fPost:6b80bd9f-37e6-42fd-9e75-3b8a762b227c">Re: How much does Dad pay?</a>:
[QUOTE]OP - just curious....how old are you? How long have you and your FI been together? As PP have suggested - I'd be calling your dad to apologize and then I'd be having a long engagement during which I would be finding a second (or third) job in order to afford the wedding that you want.
Posted by thesequel[/QUOTE]

She said she was in her 20's.

Manwaithiel · May 2011

I would stop planning a wedding and work on getting yourselves stable enough to live in the real world first.

Ghoti · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_much-dad-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:9a8917a0-f372-44bb-8b17-1867f271bb3fPost:1fb81059-0878-4863-a9b8-626263d5a1dc">Re: How much does Dad pay?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sail, just because you are in love, doesn't mean that you should get married.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]
Did I miss a post?<div>
</div><div>Sail, it's time to grow up now. </div>

hellerc1 · May 2011

I think the answer to your question is $0.00. As PP's have said pay for your own wedding when you can afford to do so.

ahhhitsshannyn · May 2011

Wow, I am sorry OP but this cannot be real. If you and your FI cannot afford to live, you should not be planning a wedding. ESPECIALLY a 10-15k one. My H and I are very financially stable homeowners and our wedding cost under 7k, so how you think 10-15k is going to appear out of thin air is unimaginable. You seriously need to get your priorities straight and think about your immediate needs instead of a pretty princess day. Also, to answer your question, you never ask for money. If your dad feel likes he can contribute, he will let you know.

impslave · May 2011

OP, please listen to the wise words posted here. Get your financial situation squared away before you even consider a wedding. But before you do that, call your father and apologize for being so presumptuous. And then feel some gratitude that you have your dad, some of us are not that lucky.

marinabreeze · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_much-dad-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:9a8917a0-f372-44bb-8b17-1867f271bb3fPost:e571a4d2-f253-4ff2-9b99-ec1c7a41e58d">Re: How much does Dad pay?</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, please listen to the wise words posted here. Get your financial situation squared away before you even consider a wedding. But before you do that, call your father and apologize for being so presumptuous. And then <strong>feel some gratitude that you have your dad, some of us are not that lucky.</strong>
Posted by impslave[/QUOTE]
I totally agree with this. My dad passed away almost five years ago. What I would give for him to still be here...to advise me, be there for me, and walk me down the aisle at my wedding. Not for the money.. The OP is very lucky.

OP, I'm with PPs. If you nor your FI can even support yourselves, why are you looking to get married? Why not wait until you're at least somewhat financially stable? True love can wait. And even then, you should plan a wedding you and your FI can afford on your own.

Your dad knows you guys are getting married, so if he can or wants to help, he will without you asking. My FI and I are paying for our wedding ourselves. My mom is a widowed mom with a teenager still at home, so I didn't expect for her to be able to help in any way. She surprised me when she paid for my wedding dress. That was much more than I expected, and I am very thankful that she did that. But whether your dad gives you $10,000 or zero, that's his call and you're not entitled to his money.

thesequel · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_much-dad-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:9a8917a0-f372-44bb-8b17-1867f271bb3fPost:0a2ccb32-2533-48e3-8667-44c7b086d9ef">Re: How much does Dad pay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How much does Dad pay? : She said she was in her 20's.
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

<div>I wasn't sure what end of the 20's spectrum she was on. </div>

Ghoti · May 2011

I thought she said mid-20's?

theluckiest555 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_much-dad-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:9a8917a0-f372-44bb-8b17-1867f271bb3fPost:648bc1e0-f94f-47c8-bf90-f0d2098931ca">Re: How much does Dad pay?</a>:
[QUOTE]MUD = Made Up Drama <strong>Agree with PP's... you do not EXPECT your father to pay for anything.</strong> You very graciously accept whatever he decides to offer, be it $20,000 or nothing at all. ... and it sounds like you and your FI need to get yourselves in order. If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for it yourselves - this will be a good lesson in fiscal planning & responsibility, it seems.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

This whole thing, esp. the bolded part. My parents were very generous and offered to pay for the whole wedding, which we graciously accepted. We would never have asked for any money. And, I would also like to add that since they are paying for the wedding, they also got a very big say in the details, like the venus, etc.

loves2shop4shoes · May 2011

Ummm...how much should you EXPECT? ZERO!

Just because you and your FI don't have a pot to piss in doesn't make it your family's responsibility to pay for YOUR wedding. This is not 1620. You don't come with a goat.

If you want to get married, I suggest you start figuring out how YOU will pay for it yourself. If you can't afford the wedding of your dreams, you can either 1) wait until you CAN afford it or 2) scale down your dream wedding.

Honestly, don't be so entitled.

RamonaFlowers · May 2011

First off, you shouldn't expect your father to pay for anything. Even if he was independently wealthy with millions of dollars just sitting around in the bank that he wasn't using, he still wouldn't be obligated to give you a single penny towards a wedding. But the fact that at his age he's working so many hours just to get by? Yeah, why would you even think for a second that asking him would be a good idea?

It's nice that you want a $15k wedding, but you need to be a little realistic about this. Throwing a big bash when you aren't even capable of supporting yourselves is just a bad idea ... even if you somehow get the money, that doesn't change the fact that being financially stable is a very important key to a successful marriage. Fighting about money is one of (If not the number one) the biggest causes of divorce. Not to say that you'd be guaranteed to get divorced, but starting out a marriage unable to actually support yourselves is pretty much shooting yourselves in the foot for no good reason.

When we first started talking about getting engaged, we took a good look at our finances. We were both still living with our parents, but we had a joint savings account with a few thousand dollars in it. We realized with that money, we could either throw a tiny wedding, or make a down payment on a place to live on our own. We went with a place to live, because we realized it was silly to get married and then move into my mom's basement or something.

We got engaged shortly after that, and obviously money was tight for us. In addition to that, all of our parents had just been laid off (We got engaged just a few months before the economy completely crashed). So we knew if we wanted a $10-$15k wedding, we'd have to just be patient and save up for it ourselves. Yes, it was frustrating sometimes, because we both really wanted to get married ... but we understood that part of being adults was accepting that we were the only people that were actually responsible to pay for our wedding, or anything else that we wanted in life.

It took a few years of scrimping and saving, but last year we were able to have our dream wedding that we paid 100% for on our own (Our total budget, including the honeymoon, did wind up being a little less than $15k). And honestly, the fact that we knew we did it all on our own made us enjoy and appreciate the experience even more. Good luck to you!

How much does Dad pay?

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