Everything but dinner

wildchild3604 · October 2012

Is it considiered rude to invite someone to the, bridal shower, bachelorette party, wedding ceremony, pre-dinner/during dinner party at alternate location for those not invited to the actual dinner(free Snacks, beer, soda, & full bar), and the after dinner celebration which included a nacho bar, and free beer and soda. But not to the actual dinner to the the size of the family.

I am wondering because this was the situation for my sisters wedding this past weekend and a few people commented to me about this. But I thought with all the extras that she had planned including a place for people to hang out drink and snack during the dinner it was not a big deal. One person actually said to me that it seems like all they want is a present which i actually thought was rude of them to say. I mean seriously you were invited to everything but the dinner and you drank the free beer and soda, ate the free snacks. No one forced them to come it was their choice. Am i wrong for feeling this way and wanting to defend my sister.

MrsMack10612 · October 2012

Yes, actually it is.

That's a tiered reception and making it appear that some guests are more important than others.

Not so much for the shower/bachelorette party; but for the actual wedding day - all guests should be invited to all portions of the day.

If she could afford to have separate locations with separate food/beverage - she could have afforded to invite everyone to the proper dinner.

LDubHawksFan · October 2012

Why didn't your sister host everyone at dinner? While she technically hosted her guests, I would be a little put off if I was told to go to the alternate party, which unless these snacks were a ton of appetizers, would not have filled up someone during the dinner hour. Since you were part of the family dinner, try putting yourself in the shoes of the other guests. If she was able to have people in two locations, snacks and a full bar for everyone, she should have fed everyone together, properly, even if that meant cutting down on the full bar or nacho bar.

DramaGeek · October 2012

Yes, quite rude. The reception is a thank you to the guests. By sending some to an "alternate" dinner, it sends the message that they are second rate and not good enough for the dinner with the bride and groom.

Not to mention, you say that these people were only given snacks at the alternate event. That is extremely rude. People need to be fed meals at meal times.

wildchild3604 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-but-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9ad1f60-d94a-4c81-bff0-5258f9f1925aPost:5b55926a-a6d4-4d65-ac32-363bf5dc9190">Re: Everything but dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, actually it is. That's a tiered reception and making it appear that some guests are more important than others. Not so much for the shower/bachelorette party; but for the actual wedding day - all guests should be invited to all portions of the day. If she could afford to have separate locations with separate food/beverage - she could have afforded to invite everyone to the proper dinner.
Posted by kjhowd[/QUOTE]

<div>It was not a matter of cost it was a matter of size. Both the Grooms family and our family are very big. They were at the max for seating for the dinner that is why they provided the alternate location. </div>

arendiva · October 2012

Tiered events are always rude. If she had only beer and snacks for everyone then it wouldn't have been rude because they would have been providing the refreshments they could afford for all of the guests that they were inviting. The reason it is rude is because the dinner was served to only some guests. There is no defense you can offer. Your sister is rude.

DramaGeek · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-but-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9ad1f60-d94a-4c81-bff0-5258f9f1925aPost:fc79da57-2545-4a3a-9f10-eee3589dd8fc">Re: Everything but dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Everything but dinner : It was not a matter of cost it was a matter of size. Both the Grooms family and our family are very big. They were at the max for seating for the dinner that is why they provided the alternate location.
Posted by wildchild3604[/QUOTE]

<div>Still rude. The "alternate" location also lacked food. And again, some people were good enough to be included in the dinner, others were not. Were these people aware ahead of time that they wouldn't be getting dinner?</div>

wildchild3604 · October 2012

Ok i understand where you guys are coming from but it was not a matter of cost it was a matter of the size of the location. We live in a small area and the biggest Place here for a reception and dinner can only hold 175 people. So between the two families they ran out of room. She felt horrible for not being able to invite everyone but there was no way she could. That is why she provided the alternate location. Oh and when I say snack i dont mean just chips and peanuts. They had finger sandwiches, fruit, veggies, cheese & sausage tray, and of course chips and that stuff.

DramaGeek · October 2012

If the largest place could hold 175, then that should have been the max size of the guest list, period.

Obviously what's done is done, but assuming that you aren't married yet you should learn from her mistake.

CFM102012 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-but-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9ad1f60-d94a-4c81-bff0-5258f9f1925aPost:0bb8803c-8ca7-4e10-a0c0-372e87e5aae4">Re: Everything but dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok i understand where you guys are coming from but it was not a matter of cost it was a matter of the size of the location.<strong> We live in a small area and the biggest Place here for a reception and dinner can only hold 175 people.</strong> So between the two families they ran out of room. She felt horrible for not being able to invite everyone but there was no way she could. That is why she provided the alternate location. Oh and when I say snack i dont mean just chips and peanuts. They had finger sandwiches, fruit, veggies, cheese & sausage tray, and of course chips and that stuff.
Posted by wildchild3604[/QUOTE]

<div>Then she shouldn't have invited more people then the venue could hold. If the venue only holds 175 you only invite (including yourself and groom) 175 people.</div>

wildchild3604 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-but-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9ad1f60-d94a-4c81-bff0-5258f9f1925aPost:f61e33ef-80ca-422e-adde-32c4b441708b">Re: Everything but dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Everything but dinner : Okay, assuming this is real, which I'm starting to doubt... Then the proper thing to do would be to find a bigger venue that doesn't have a meal, have her wedding at an off-meal time like 2pm or 8pm, and serve EVERYONE finger foods and snacks instead of a meal. You do NOT invite some people to only part of the wedding regardless of the reason. ETA: Or cap the guestlist at 175.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Thank you for your input but your rudness is not appreciated. I am simply looking for input. I am not lying. We live in Juneau WI population of less than 3000. I am now understanding that my sister and her wedding planning group made some mistakes but again I was simply looking for imput becasue I did not realize that it would be considered rude. So if you can not refrain from being rude please do not respond.

renegade gaucho · October 2012

It doesn't matter what their reason was. All wedding guests should be treated the same. And yes, it does end up looking like they only invited some people for the gifts. If some people are not important enough to be fed dinner, then they shouldn't be invited to the wedding.

wildchild3604 · October 2012

Thank you everyone I can now understand why the few people who complained to me were upset and you are right she should have kept it at the size of the hall. Good thing I eloped and didn't have to deal with all this. Too much drama.

lyndausvi · October 2012

Wait, ou actually think it's okay to have everyone at the ceremony be split into 2 different groups? One gets a full dinner and an opportunity to hangout with the couple. The other gets finger sandwiches and do not even get to hang out with the couple

Wow. I wonder if you were in the sandwich group if you would think differently.

The easy answer was to only have 175 people.

achiduck · October 2012

It's incredibly rude. It's basically like saying "I like you enough to hang out with you and for you to bring me presents, but not enough to pay for your dinner."

StephJean83 · October 2012

I lived near Juneau for awhile and yes the town is small but there are towns near by that could have accommodated larger groups. Beaver Dam, Watertown, Hartford or even Madison all have larger locations with max cap at 250 or more. If I was a guest to this wedding and found out that I wasn't in the "175 for dinner" I would have done like Stage said and left with my gift/card in hand.

My FH wants to invite over 300 people to our wedding, will all of them show? Probably not but my venue will be able to accomodate if every single person invited shows up. If price wasn't an issue as you claim, why didn't she book at a different venue when she realized her guest list went over the 175 mark? The drive from Juneau to Watertown or to Beaver Dam isn't that long and I'm assuming that guests were staying in Beaver Dam or Watertown anyways if they were from OOT since there are no hotels in Juneau.

LDubHawksFan · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-but-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9ad1f60-d94a-4c81-bff0-5258f9f1925aPost:0bb8803c-8ca7-4e10-a0c0-372e87e5aae4">Re: Everything but dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok i understand where you guys are coming from but it was not a matter of cost it was a matter of the size of the location. We live in a small area and the biggest Place here for a reception and dinner can only hold 175 people. So between the two families they ran out of room. She felt horrible for not being able to invite everyone but there was no way she could. That is why she provided the alternate location. Oh and when I say snack i dont mean just chips and peanuts. They had finger sandwiches, fruit, veggies, cheese & sausage tray, and of course chips and that stuff.
Posted by wildchild3604[/QUOTE]

Her guest list should have stopped at 173 then. That shows that she had even less respect for her guests. They hosted dinner for 175 people, and gave finger sandwiches to the others?! 175 is not a small family dinner, that is nearly twice as big as my whole wedding. As PP has noted, she had options to host elsewhere, even if you were in a small town. Where was the reception when the second tier people were invited back to join? How were more people accomodated at the site later if there was a max of 175 for dinner??
It's over now, but what she did was extremely rude.

zitiqueen · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-but-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9ad1f60-d94a-4c81-bff0-5258f9f1925aPost:ceacd003-0f07-47cd-80c1-c5dfd6cdabb1">Everything but dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]Is it considiered rude to invite someone to the, bridal shower, bachelorette party, wedding ceremony, pre-dinner/during dinner party at alternate location for those not invited to the actual dinner(free Snacks, beer, soda, & full bar), and the after dinner celebration which included a nacho bar, and free beer and soda. But not to the actual dinner to the the size of the family. I am wondering because this was the situation for my sisters wedding this past weekend and a few people commented to me about this. But I thought with all the extras that she had planned including a place for people to hang out drink and snack during the dinner it was not a big deal. One person actually said to me that it seems like all they want is a present which i actually thought was rude of them to say. I mean seriously you were invited to everything but the dinner and you drank the free beer and soda, ate the free snacks. No one forced them to come it was their choice. Am i wrong for feeling this way and wanting to defend my sister.
Posted by wildchild3604[/QUOTE]

I'm dying to know how the invitations were worded for the second-class citizens.

msuprincess04 · October 2012

If everyone from the family party went to the after party with everyone else, then doesn't that mean there was a location big enough for everyone?

StephJean83 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-but-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9ad1f60-d94a-4c81-bff0-5258f9f1925aPost:deffd846-21d8-49fd-a246-a9dd166e0d5b">Re: Everything but dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]If everyone from the family party went to the after party with everyone else, then doesn't that mean there was a location big enough for everyone?
Posted by msuprincess04[/QUOTE]

I by no means am justifying what OP's sister did but in looking at venues in the Milwaukee area, I see a lot that have 2 or more max caps. They will do ceremony sitting at 200, sit down dinner at 100 and cocktail reception at 300. Meaning the fire code is probably closer to 350/400(figuring in venue staff/caterers/bartenders/servers plus 300 guests) but how they arrange the chairs and tables you can fit less people for ceremony/sit down dinner vs a mostly dancing reception.

wildchild3604 · October 2012

Again thank you everyone for your responses I now see what they did was rude. I guess I am not sure I would have felt the same way but I have never been in that situation. Oh well like you all said it is done and over with but now I know for the future. Also at Stagemanager what you did that was rude that the others did not was imply that I was lying about the situation. What would I have to gain from lying about this.

Onto another question I now have after reading some of the responses to this. How do you handle the situation when you are invited to only they ceremony and the dance part of the reception? Do you give a gift? This is something that has happened to us many times. We r invited to those two things and sometimes I am invited to the bridal shower. Is that something that would be considered rude as well.

DramaGeek · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-but-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9ad1f60-d94a-4c81-bff0-5258f9f1925aPost:18d9b7fd-33d7-457c-93f7-1857e6ac53fd">Re: Everything but dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]Again thank you everyone for your responses I now see what they did was rude. I guess I am not sure I would have felt the same way but I have never been in that situation. Oh well like you all said it is done and over with but now I know for the future. Also at Stagemanager what you did that was rude that the others did not was imply that I was lying about the situation. What would I have to gain from lying about this. Onto another question I now have after reading some of the responses to this. How do you handle the situation when you are invited to only they ceremony and the dance part of the reception? Do you give a gift? This is something that has happened to us many times. We r invited to those two things and sometimes I am invited to the bridal shower. Is that something that would be considered rude as well.
Posted by wildchild3604[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This has never, ever happened to me. Receptions are receptions - if they are dinner and dancing, that is a reception. If it's cake and punch, that's a reception. They are not two part - dinner, and then a separate reception of dancing.</div><div>
</div><div>If it were to happen that we were invited to a ceremony and then invited to a reception later, we would either attend the ceremony only or not attend at all. The gift would depend on our relationship to the person, though I think it would likely be smaller than usual.

</div>

wildchild3604 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-but-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9ad1f60-d94a-4c81-bff0-5258f9f1925aPost:76925118-1790-49d1-b44b-66028cc899a1">Re: Everything but dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Everything but dinner : This has never, ever happened to me. Receptions are receptions - if they are dinner and dancing, that is a reception. If it's cake and punch, that's a reception. They are not two part - dinner, and then a separate reception of dancing. If it were to happen that we were invited to a ceremony and then invited to a reception later, we would either attend the ceremony only or not attend at all. The gift would depend on our relationship to the person, though I think it would likely be smaller than usual.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

<div>Really I thought that was a rather common thing. I have gotten the big invite card for the ceremony and on that or sometimes on a separate card depending on how they do it; it says for instance please join us for the reception at 8pm. And sometimes we get invited to the dinner which is on a separate reply card that we have to mail back. Now I am getting really confused. </div>

DramaGeek · October 2012

It may be regional, but even if it's common it is rude.

LDubHawksFan · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-but-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9ad1f60-d94a-4c81-bff0-5258f9f1925aPost:6f05e5cb-a11e-48c9-ae1f-7c09dcb21c82">Re: Everything but dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Everything but dinner : Really I thought that was a rather common thing. I have gotten the big invite card for the ceremony and on that or sometimes on a separate card depending on how they do it; it says for instance please join us for the reception at 8pm. And sometimes we get invited to the dinner which is on a separate reply card that we have to mail back. Now I am getting really confused.
Posted by wildchild3604[/QUOTE]

I'm from the Midwest and never had been invited to or heard of a tiered wedding before coming on TN. I have, though, been to plenty of weddings who just had simple ham sandwiches, and salads for sides....but they hosted everyone. Couples have to make sacrifices because weddings are expensive....sometimes that is cutting the guest list way down, sometimes it's hosting a dinner that is more modest. Inviting people to the ceremony, and for dancing does seem gift grabby because let's face it, usually the meal is the huge chunk of cash. I would probably not go to a tiered wedding if we were invited. I think it's rude.

StephJean83 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-but-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9ad1f60-d94a-4c81-bff0-5258f9f1925aPost:e61d0df5-98ca-4b19-a2d1-a19fcf2b740f">Re: Everything but dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]It may be regional, but even if it's common it is rude.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

If it is regional, than it is regional to her circle of friends/family. I have been invited to weddings in the Juneau area and we were invited to ceremony, cocktail hour, dinner, and dancing.

wildchild3604 · October 2012

I really wish I had a scanner right not so I could post a copy of the most recent invite that we got. It is for one of my husbands coworker. And on the big card it has the normal please join us stuff at this church at such n such time. Then on the bottom left corner it says please join us for the reception at 7pm. So a friend of mine who also works with my husband started talking to be about this and I guess they have know the couple longer and they also got the same invite we did but they also got invited to the dinner.

DramaGeek · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-but-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9ad1f60-d94a-4c81-bff0-5258f9f1925aPost:0247d391-2601-4a24-ac88-7d58a6357088">Re: Everything but dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Everything but dinner : If it is regional, than it is regional to her circle of friends/family. I have been invited to weddings in the Juneau area and we were invited to ceremony, cocktail hour, dinner, and dancing.
Posted by StephJean83[/QUOTE]

<div>Or you were one of the first-class guests ;-)</div>

LDubHawksFan · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-but-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9ad1f60-d94a-4c81-bff0-5258f9f1925aPost:a50edc7a-d9da-4012-848f-af740225424d">Re: Everything but dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]I really wish I had a scanner right not so I could post a copy of the most recent invite that we got. It is for one of my husbands coworker. And on the big card it has the normal please join us stuff at this church at such n such time. Then on the bottom left corner it says please join us for the reception at 7pm. So a friend of mine who also works with my husband started talking to be about this and I guess they have know the couple longer and they also got the same invite we did but they also got invited to the dinner.
Posted by wildchild3604[/QUOTE]

Yeah, that is rude. What are you supposed to do in between? And honestly, 7 still seems like a dinner time to me, so I probably would have thought there would be food, and would end up leaving early after that many hours without food.

pink34562000 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-but-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9ad1f60-d94a-4c81-bff0-5258f9f1925aPost:0bb8803c-8ca7-4e10-a0c0-372e87e5aae4">Re: Everything but dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok i understand where you guys are coming from but it was not a matter of cost it was a matter of the size of the location. We live in a small area and the biggest Place here for a reception and dinner can only hold 175 people. So between the two families they ran out of room. She felt horrible for not being able to invite everyone but there was no way she could. That is why she provided the alternate location. Oh and when I say snack i dont mean just chips and peanuts. They had finger sandwiches, fruit, veggies, cheese & sausage tray, and of course chips and that stuff.
Posted by wildchild3604[/QUOTE]

The guest list should have been cut down to 175 people if the place only holds that amount. If I was a guest invited to a wedding and found out I was second tier, I would absolutely think they just want a gift from me. The free soda and snacks don't make up the poor planning. Yes, it is rude. If your sister proceeds with this plan, there will be a lot of angry guests.

LDubHawksFan · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-but-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9ad1f60-d94a-4c81-bff0-5258f9f1925aPost:d5d436db-d6f3-4197-b021-c45e80d09dca">Re: Everything but dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Everything but dinner : The guest list should have been cut down to 175 people if the place only holds that amount. If I was a guest invited to a wedding and found out I was second tier, I would absolutely think they just want a gift from me. The free soda and snacks don't make up the poor planning. Yes, it is rude. If your sister proceeds with this plan, there will be a lot of angry guests.
Posted by pink34562000[/QUOTE]

fyi, the sister already did this. OP heard from some angry guests and came on here to find out if her sister was rude & why the guests would be angry.

Everything but dinner

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