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How far is TOO far??
Etiquette
How far is TOO far??
No one wants to deal with the etiquette police so let these Knotties help you avoid them. Post your questions for modern advice on etiquette and planning.
Hi guys :)  I really need some advice from people who don't know me (aka people who have probably had the same thoughts and wont try to tell me what they think I wanna hear!).  Here's my eti
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Etiquette
How far is TOO far??
No one wants to deal with the etiquette police so let these Knotties help you avoid them. Post your questions for modern advice on etiquette and planning.
Hi guys :)  I really need some advice from people who don't know me (aka people who have probably had the same thoughts and wont try to tell me what they think I wanna hear!).  Here's my eti
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Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9
Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a372b516-6cd5-4537-89e9-14d996914d6a
Forums  >  Wedding Boards  >  Etiquette  >  How far is TOO far??
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How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 9:31 PM EST on theknot.com
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 Hi guys :)  I really need some advice from people who don't know me (aka people who have probably had the same thoughts and wont try to tell me what they think I wanna hear!). 

Here's my etiquette question:
My fiance and I are thinking of having our wedding reception about 40 minutes from the church.  His family is from the city and think driving anywhere is just crazy.  For them, it will be a 40 minute drive to the church, another 40 minutes to the reception and then about an hour and 10 minute drive home (or short drive to the hotel, if they so choose).  For my family, it will be about an hour to the church, then 40 minutes to the reception and then about 20 minutes back home.  Is this asking people for too much?  We have been quite limited with our church selections as there are so few of our faith in the area.  And the reception space, well, we just like it!  Please give me your honest thoughts!

Many thanks!!!
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 9:37 PM EST on theknot.com
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 I would try and keep the drive under 30 minutes. Are there any other closer reception venues within your budget?
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 9:43 PM EST on theknot.com
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 If the church is in a more rural area, I'm more understanding if the drive is longer to the reception venue.  If I drive past a ton of other venues during that 40 minute drive, I'd be wondering why you didn't pick something closer.

Just my 2 cents.


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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 9:48 PM EST on theknot.com
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 I think it depends on your location, like Duds said. Where I grew up it takes more than an hour to get from one side of the city to the other so I wouldn't blink an eye at 40 minutes in that area. Now that I live in a more sub-urban area though I would be a little annoyed with driving 40 minutes between locations. 

Edit: I just realized I'm opposite of Duds. And when in doubt, do what Duds says. 

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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 9:50 PM EST on theknot.com
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 I would try to find somewhere closer to the church, especially since you said his family members aren't big drivers.  
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 9:50 PM EST on theknot.com
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 I'm bad at math, but that's something like two and a half hours, correct? These city relatives aren't used to driving... do they at least have cars? Do they know the area? First they'll have to drive almost an hour to find the church, then drive almost an hour to find the venue, then over an hour to find their way back home. I just think it's a lot of driving through the day for me and I'm used to driving, ya know?
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 9:56 PM EST on theknot.com
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 I think 40 minutes drive to a reception is too much. It's a lot of money for gas and if your families don't drive a lot they may not be up for the drive. Also, an hour and a half drive home for your FI's family means that they will not be able to drink and might have to buy a hotel room.
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 9:59 PM EST on theknot.com
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 In Response to Re: How far is TOO far??:
I think 40 minutes drive to a reception is too much. It's a lot of money for gas and if your families don't drive a lot they may not be up for the drive. Also, an hour and a half drive home for your FI's family means that they will not be able to drink and might have to buy a hotel room.
Posted by amanda1611t


This doesn't make sense.  It's not like it's OK to drink and drive if the distance is shorter.


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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 10:13 PM EST on theknot.com
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 No more than half an hour, and that's in terms of TIME, not distance. 

I wouldn't attend a wedding that had the ceremony and reception thirty miles apart.
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 10:15 PM EST on theknot.com
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 Thanks for all the input so far!  It's much appreciated.  Since you're all so helpful, let me add in this detail and let me know what you think:

The only other church/venue combo we are considering has about a 10 minute drive in between them.  They are further from my family, but closer to the FI's family.  They are also $5,000+ more expensive (because they're closer to the city and have a site fee on top of catering).  We could still afford it, but $5,000 is $5,000.  Quite the conundrum...
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 10:19 PM EST on theknot.com
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 In Response to Re: How far is TOO far??:
If the church is in a more rural area, I'm more understanding if the drive is longer to the reception venue.  If I drive past a ton of other venues during that 40 minute drive, I'd be wondering why you didn't pick something closer. Just my 2 cents.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds


This.  I would find a venue that if guests have to drive 40 minutes, it should be 40 minutes back in the direction to go home.  Like if they drive an hour to the wedding, then 40 min to the reception, it should only be 20 minutes to get home.
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 10:21 PM EST on theknot.com
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 I know I'm in the minority but I don't think it's too far. My FI and I are planning something similar: the church is around the corner from where I grew up (and close to where most of his family and my mom currently live). The reception hall is where all his older cousins have gotten married and is on the other side of town. If there's traffic/construction it might take an hour to get from one location to the other. We chose these two locations for sentimental reasons, wouldn't consider having it any other way, and don't expect to have any complaints. If they love you, they should understand that it's your wedding day and you've made choices that make you happy.
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 10:26 PM EST on theknot.com
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 I would try to find a venue a little closer ot the church.  Like Duds said, if it's rural and that's just how far it is, I'd be okay with it, but really under 30 minutes, even closer to 20 minutes is better I think.  

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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 10:38 PM EST on theknot.com
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 Your venues seem like they're in an "awkward" stage in terms of distance. It's not far enough to be a "destination" worthy of a hotel for many of the guests, but it is far enough to be a pain in the butt for a lot of guests. 
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 11:11 PM EST on theknot.com
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 Deoends on the location, my church is about 30 mins or so from the hotel and reception but my reception and hotel are close and have a shuttle to and from the hotel to the reception.  We thought this would be nice so that people can use the time in between the ceremony and reception to go back to the hotel than take the shuttle. Since we are having an open bar we don't want people to have to worry about driving back.

There are a few venue's that may be closer (Iam not sure cause Im not that familer w his home town).  But the thing is they weren't nearly as nice, they were older and more run down or didn't meet our needs.  The packages also did not include as much like the open bar and wedding cake.

In that case, people would have complained either way.  They would complain if it was too far and they would complain if we picked the run down one due to proximety.  I think you are better off going with the nicer one.  Than you can at least give people a reason why you picked it!
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 11:18 PM EST on theknot.com
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 Kelly, People don't have to love you to understand the choices you made. I don't even know you and I understand. As a guest, though, I wouldn't like it. People will understand, but they won't like it. They'll probably not even tell you. They'll grumble about it in the car and put on smiles when they see you.
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 11:27 PM EST on theknot.com
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 In Response to Re: How far is TOO far??:
I know I'm in the minority but I don't think it's too far. My FI and I are planning something similar: the church is around the corner from where I grew up (and close to where most of his family and my mom currently live). The reception hall is where all his older cousins have gotten married and is on the other side of town. If there's traffic/construction it might take an hour to get from one location to the other. We chose these two locations for sentimental reasons, wouldn't consider having it any other way, and don't expect to have any complaints. If they love you, they should understand that it's your wedding day and you've made choices that make you happy.
Posted by Kellykins12


Don't be surprised when you only see a small portion of your guests at the church or reception, and not at both.  

I'm pretty sure FSIL's family and her H's family love them, but out of 160 guests who RSVPed yes to their wedding and attended the reception, only about 40 of them went to the ceremony.  There was a 3 hour gap between the ceremony and reception, and the drive from the church to the reception was almost an hour.  If you make things inconvenient for your guests for selfish reasons, they won't go out of their way for you.  
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/1/2012 11:40 PM EST on theknot.com
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 When the other choice is 5000 more, then I would say 40 minutes will be okay, but I'm used to long drives (plus 5000 is over half of my entire budget). 3 hours is nothing for me and I don't have cruise control on my vehicle. It's really not that much gas if you keep the speed down. I drive 55mph with a Jeep and get 30mpg. Fuel is cheap in the US compared to Canada. Doing the math, it's about 20-30 cents per gallon cheaper down there (based on Hudson Valley, NY where I'm assuming the wedding is based on the city on your post). Your families are driving about the same distances and you have hotels blocked off by the sound of it. His anti-driving family has to go about 30 min further to drive, which may be the issue. Sometimes what is close to fair, is unfair in other people's viewpoints. My parents weren't happy about me getting married 1.5 -2 hours from my hometown, but our location is also 1.5 hours from my fiance's hometown. Once they realized everyone was driving some distance, things were okay and they now think it's nice we are meeting in the middle. Would they still complain if the locations were in the same spot and just as far away? That question may narrow down where the issue really lies.
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/2/2012 12:04 AM EST on theknot.com
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 I don't think it's too much to have drive 40 minutes to get a ceremony/reception, but it's the additional 40 minutes between the ceremony and reception that's getting me. Would you at all consider having the ceremony and reception in the same spot -- either both at the church or both at the reception venue?

I've never in my life not attended a ceremony, but I have to say that with a set-up like what you're describing, if you weren't a close friend or family member, I'd at least seriously consider skipping the ceremony and just going to the reception.
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/2/2012 12:28 AM EST on theknot.com
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 Well, for my fiance's family, the church is a direct stop on the way to the reception.  We're having the ceremony at a Greek Orthodox Church because this is very important for him and his family (I'm not Orthodox).  If they RSVP to the wedding, I know they'll go to both.  My family will probably attend both because I am the first grandchild getting married and, well, my family is just laid back like that.  We've looked at lots of different venues to find ones that were affordable-ish, able to accomodate 175 guests, and were not total wedding factories.  It really left us with two options.  We figured that a slightly longer drive on a Saturday would be less of a complaint than, say, a Sunday evening wedding somewhere else.

And while I MORE than welcome the feedback, please keep it kind. :)  I am certainly not trying to make matters inconvenient for my guests for "selfish reasons."  Selfish people don't calculate and compare mileage and then post to boards of strangers! 
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/2/2012 1:13 AM EST on theknot.com
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 What about renting a bus or shuttle of some sort to transport your guests from the ceremony location to the reception location?
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/2/2012 1:53 AM EST on theknot.com
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 I think that is too far between church & venue. Our wedding is 40 minutes from our home but where all of fiance's family lives. It is his family church where his parents & grandparents got married.

No one is complaining on my side because they understand that someone will have to travel, but the reception is only 10 minutes from the church & only 30 minutes back home. For us it is only 30/20 minutes but it depends on where in town they live to as how far it is, it takes us 3 minutes to get to the highway.
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/2/2012 5:34 AM EST on theknot.com
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 In Response to Re: How far is TOO far??:
I know I'm in the minority but I don't think it's too far. My FI and I are planning something similar: the church is around the corner from where I grew up (and close to where most of his family and my mom currently live). The reception hall is where all his older cousins have gotten married and is on the other side of town. If there's traffic/construction it might take an hour to get from one location to the other. We chose these two locations for sentimental reasons, wouldn't consider having it any other way, and don't expect to have any complaints. If they love you, they should understand that it's your wedding day and you've made choices that make you happy.
Posted by Kellykins12


I"m sorry, but this is my pet peeve wedding statement.  If YOU love them, you will make your plans as convenient as you can for your guests.
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/2/2012 10:21 AM EST on theknot.com
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 If the area is rural and the drive is on the highway, I think it's fine.  I live in a very rural area, and we could not find a reception venue that was less than 15 minutes from the church.  However, if you are in the city, there should be more venue options, and you could probably find one closer.
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/2/2012 1:50 PM EST on theknot.com
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 I also do not think a 40 minute drive is not that bad. Especially to save $5000, hell my entire wedding costs only a grand above that. If you go this route I would however probably do pictures before the wedding and cut out any gaps or cocktail hour so things continue moving.
 
If it is possible I would maybe call a van rental company, I know in my area I can rent a 15 passanger van for the day for $85.  Even if you get several  it is worth it.
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/2/2012 5:49 PM EST on theknot.com
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 I went to a wedding that I drove an hour to get to the church and then an hour to the reception site. I did not even think twice about it. I am actually geting married about an hour and 45 minutes away from where we live so our guest will need to either not drink or get a hotel room (we have a shuttle). I did not even think twice about it. It is what we wanted and other people are invited to come but do not have to.
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/2/2012 5:55 PM EST on theknot.com
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Just a thought....but if $5000 is an attainable increase for you...then would paying for a shuttle bus to drive guests back and forth from both locations be an attainable expense as well?

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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/2/2012 6:10 PM EST on theknot.com
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 In Response to Re: How far is TOO far??:
What about renting a bus or shuttle of some sort to transport your guests from the ceremony location to the reception location?
Posted by AlmostMrsStrong


This.  Since you're not even batting an eyelash at $5,000 extra for a different venue I'm guessing you could afford this.  :)
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/2/2012 8:32 PM EST on theknot.com
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 hey should understand that it's your wedding day and you've made choices that make you happy.

Dead wrong.  It stops being about the couple the moment they choose to involve others in their wedding, which they do by inviting guests. Receptions, by the way, are FOR the guests, NOT the couple. 

Anyone who invites guests is responsible for seeing to their comfort to the greatest extent possible.  The fact that the occasion is a wedding does not change this.
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Re: How far is TOO far??

posted at 2/3/2012 1:44 AM EST on theknot.com
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 Seriously, RetreadBride? That's a really cynical viewpoint. The reception is largely for your guests, but it is not ALL about them. Obviously we all want our guests to feel thought-of, but If they aren't there FOR the couple, then they shouldn't attend and the couple shouldn't even bother inviting them. If someone is there only for their own personal gratification and comfort then they need a reality check and an ego deflation.

I think 40 minutes is a quite a stretch, but $5000 is a lot of money that you could use to otherwise enhance your wedding day celebrations, or to put towards another long-term plan. 
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