Wedding Etiquette Forum

How far is too far?

I was discussing my wedding with my parents (yes, I know it's a long way off, but I have my reasons) and my father had an issue with how far away my intended location is.

My dream would be to get married at BIltmore Estate in Asheville, NC. If I can't get married there, I would still like it to be in western NC/upstate SC. I'm a mountain girl, I just like the mountains. 

For my family this is a 3 to 4 hour drive, for my FI's family it's 9 to 10. His family is six different kinds of gung ho about having it in Asheville. As is my mom (my dad proposed in the Biltmore gardens). But my dad doesn't like how far away it is, and is worried about the cost to family memebers because neither I nor my FI come from money.

My parents have offered to pay for the wedding, so I know they have a say about it. 

But who is "right" in this? Am I aiming too far away for a wedding?

Re: How far is too far?

  • You are right, since they are paying, they get a say.  This is far enough a way that it's really almost a destination wedding.  Definitely for your FI's family and it's doubtful that your family will drive back 3-4 hours the same night.  There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with a DW.  You just have to be prepared that some people, even ones you might really really want to be there, will not be able to attend due to the time/expense involved.  

    Since, as you sa, neither family is made of money, you need to decide if it's more important ot have it convenient to one family or the other vs. far away from everyone with the possiblity that some people you really want to be there won't be able to attend.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-far-is-too-far?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ee8e701-6b17-4d02-9191-18a317288fc5Post:4ad456ad-1851-477e-a5ef-643bcce6967c">Re: How far is too far?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You are right, since they are paying, they get a say.  This is far enough a way that it's really almost a destination wedding.  Definitely for your FI's family and it's doubtful that your family will drive back 3-4 hours the same night.  There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with a DW.  You just have to be prepared that some people, even ones you might really really want to be there, will not be able to attend due to the time/expense involved.   Since, as you sa, neither family is made of money, you need to decide if it's more important ot have it convenient to one family or the other vs. far away from everyone with the possiblity that some people you really want to be there won't be able to attend.
    Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yeah...about that. </div><div>
    </div><div>If I'm being completely honest, and I know I'm gonna sound like a horrible person, I'm kinda hoping the distance keeps some people away. </div><div>
    </div><div>Don't get me wrong, I love my family. But I'm not really close to them, never have been. </div><div>
    </div><div>So to be honest, I don't have a problem with the distance keeping people away. </div><div>
    </div><div>I know, I'm horrible. I'll go die in a hole now. </div>
  • Not horrible.  It's good that you realize that.  The worst thing would be if you expected everyone to make the trip and then be totally hurt and disappointed when they don't.

  • Have it where you want.  The people that can and want to be there, will be there.  Those that can't, can't.  Oh well.  You can't please everybody.

    However, since your parents have offered to pay and if they are demanding to have it where they want it, I would decline their offer.  If you pay for it yourself, they really have no say.  
    Married since October 14, 2012 - Best Day Ever! Wedding-2
  • I agree...if you want a DW and can swing the funding yourself, then do it.  Biltmore is amazing (I lived by there for a while and I loved going there!)  Anywho...you're correct in saying your parents $$ comes with strings.  They have a say, it sucks, but the do.  So, if you REALLY want this DW and your parents say no, then you will need to pay for it yourself.  It sucks, but it's true...
  • I think you're fine to have it that far away so long as you realize that not everyone will be able to make the trip. If you and your FI pay for the wedding, I don't think anyone else can really say too much about it.
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  • shadowkat08shadowkat08 member
    100 Comments
    edited February 2012
    They're not really demanding that I have it in a particular place of their choosing, my dad and I are just butting heads over how far away it is. I've already told him it's going to be in the mountains come hell or high water, so the distance is kinda a moot point.

    But, bless his heart, he's a stubborn man. As he says, he has to "wade in to an idea, not just jump in". So hopefully my mother can bring him around to the idea, thus why we're discussing it so far in advance.

    Gotta love Southern daddies.

    Oh, and without their funding, Biltmore is out. Cry

    But I think my FI and I can swing something else less...grand. 
  • I remember this place being mentioned a few days ago by some spoiled brat that took the money and didn't invite anyone including her own parents. Are you aware that weddings at this location run about $50k? 

    Forget the distance aspect, $50k for a reception site is freaking ridiculous for a one day party.

    I could never do that to my parents even if they where willing to pay unless I would pay for it in the event that they didn't and I'm way to practical for that.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-far-is-too-far?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ee8e701-6b17-4d02-9191-18a317288fc5Post:8c2ecd13-8916-47d7-a530-64cbc913e02d">Re: How far is too far?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Are you aware that weddings at this location run about $50k?  Forget the distance aspect, $50k for a reception site is freaking ridiculous for a one day party. I could never do that to my parents even if they where willing to pay unless I would pay for it in the event that they didn't and I'm way to practical for that.
    Posted by mollyehren[/QUOTE]

    You have absolutely no idea what her parents' financial situation is. That could be a drop in the bucket for them. It's not up to you (or anyone but them) to say what is or isn't a reasonable price for a wedding.
  • [QUOTE]I remember this place being mentioned a few days ago by some spoiled brat that took the money and didn't invite anyone including her own parents. Are you aware that weddings at this location run about $50k?  Forget the distance aspect, $50k for a reception site is freaking ridiculous for a one day party. I could never do that to my parents even if they where willing to pay unless I would pay for it in the event that they didn't and I'm way to practical for that.
    Posted by mollyehren[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Are you referring to Biltmore? </div><div>
    </div><div>If so, I agree with you $50,000 is way to much to spend on a reception site.</div><div>
    </div><div>That said, I've already contacted their wedding people and have gotten some basic quotes (wanted to have all my ducks in a row before talking to my father). The estate has many different ceremony/reception sites, and the one I've chosen was one of the cheaper ones.</div><div>
    </div><div>After figuring everything up (and this includes just about everything but the bridal party attire) it came to about $10,000. Yes this is a large number, but I don't see it as being outrageous for such a memorable location.</div><div>
    </div><div>Now, with all that said...my issue isn't about price, it's about distance from family. Even if the wedding is not at Biltmore, it will still be in the same general area and the same distance from family members.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-far-is-too-far?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ee8e701-6b17-4d02-9191-18a317288fc5Post:8c2ecd13-8916-47d7-a530-64cbc913e02d">Re: How far is too far?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I remember this place being mentioned a few days ago by some spoiled brat that took the money and didn't invite anyone including her own parents. Are you aware that weddings at this location run about $50k?  Forget the distance aspect, $50k for a reception site is freaking ridiculous for a one day party. <strong>I could never do that to my parents even if they where willing to pay</strong> unless I would pay for it in the event that they didn't and I'm way to practical for that.
    Posted by mollyehren[/QUOTE]

    <div>Just because your parents say that they will pay for your wedding does not mean that they are from then on held at gunpoint to pay for whatever the bride and groom want. For a lot of people, their parents will offer to help pay up to X amount. What if her parents had given her a budget above $50k to work with? You don't know anybody else's financial situation, and it is incredibly presumptious to act as if you do.</div>
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  • shadowkat08shadowkat08 member
    100 Comments
    edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-far-is-too-far?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ee8e701-6b17-4d02-9191-18a317288fc5Post:d7cce417-e2e5-447d-b5e5-3a96b6f4a095">Re: How far is too far?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Shadowkat, it's good that you're discussing things now so your father has time to adjust. I'd say keep Biltmore in mind, but maybe consider some areas that are closer to family too. Would that still keep you in the mountain area, if you were closer to the guests? I'm not sure where everyone is driving from, so I'm just curious. Biltmore is lovely, so I do hope he comes around. :)
    Posted by burntofferings[/QUOTE]

    <div>Unfortunately getting married closer to family would take me out of the mountains. My family lives in eastern SC, while FI's family is in eastern VA. </div><div>
    </div><div>To even split the difference would be a 3 to 4 hour drive for both parties. So I'm kinda confused about the distance thing. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" /></div><div>
    </div><div>Maybe the price *is* the issue, and he just doesn't want to admit it.</div><div>
    </div><div>I'm open to having it somewhere else. ButI haven't looked at other places in the mountains yet because I wanted to go in asking for the Ferrari, figuring he'd say no, then come back later and say well how about this ford? <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />  </div>
  • Fi's family (who have to drive *farther*) are loving going to Biltmore. Probably has something to do with Asheville being the Wicca capital of the east coat, but I'll just pretend it's all about me XD

    We've only talked about the wedding location once, before Christmas. I haven't been home since (I'm in college), and it's really a conversation I feel needs to happen face to face.

    I'll be going home in a couple of weeks, so hopefully by then he's had enough time to ruminate on the idea. 

    And plus the wedding is a good year or two off, so I've still got time.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-far-is-too-far?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ee8e701-6b17-4d02-9191-18a317288fc5Post:5c7b2c06-10cf-4b20-a562-12e8f8a46abf">Re: How far is too far?</a>:
    [QUOTE]They're not really demanding that I have it in a particular place of their choosing, my dad and I are just butting heads over how far away it is. I've already told him it's going to be in the mountains come hell or high water, so the distance is kinda a moot point. But, bless his heart, he's a stubborn man. As he says, he has to "wade in to an idea, not just jump in". So hopefully my mother can bring him around to the idea, thus why we're discussing it so far in advance. Gotta love Southern daddies. Oh, and without their funding, Biltmore is out.  But I think my FI and I can swing something else less...grand. 
    Posted by shadowkat08[/QUOTE]

    I LOVE the Biltmore.  I can see the draw.  If you end up having to go elsewhere, try Lake Lure.  It's breathtakingly beautiful.    My friend got married there at sunset on the lake.  The mountains were behind there and the sky was purple.   It was the most amazing scene ever.

    They chose that place because it was close to the Biltmore.  They too were engaged there.

    Plus, your older friend my love the fact "dirty dancing" was filmed there.  :)
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  • mrsmustard12mrsmustard12 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited February 2012
    This happened to me.  I wanted to get married in North GA.  My mom kept carrying on about how no one would show up since it was too far out of the way.  I caved and had it in Fort Lauderdale (my hometown).  I love my venue and it's going to be a gorgeous wedding but a tiny piece of me wishes I had done it up there in the mountains.
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