Wedding Etiquette Forum

Financial Issues Advice

This is probably going to be long. I'll try to offer cliff notes at the end. 

Last year FI and I took a week off, of my doing, because I felt like he needed to get his goals and life in check if we were going to move on. He came back with a life plan and ready to go. His life plan has since changed multiple times since then and I question his motivation. 

All of that would be fine if we were good financially but we're not. FI has thousands of bills and is three months behind on his rent. Luckily, my father pays my half which is probably why we haven't been evicted yet. Again, wouldn't be that big of an issue if I saw that he was out working hard but he works less than 20 hours a week even though he has full availability. 

He didn't have a car for the last few months so I understood that is was hard for him to go out and apply for new jobs. But a few weeks ago his boss said "Here, take my extra truck" and FI has had it ever since and still has only gone out and applied for one job even though this whole time he said he hadn't been going out and actively looking for jobs because my schedule monopolized the car. 

Basically I'm struggling with whether this is something you're suppose to stick out as a couple, for better or for worse. Or if this is my time to cut my losses and get out before getting married and tied to a life with someone with minimal self-motivation. I know it is a decision only I can make but if you were in my shoes what would you do?

CN: FI works less than 20 hours a week and owes thousands in bills and barely looks for better jobs. If you were me, would you stick it out and hope the situation improves or cut your losses and try to move on?
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Re: Financial Issues Advice

  • *HUGS*, Aryn.  I am sorry you two are going through this.

    Is there any reason why he wouldn't be motivated to look for another job?  Does he have depression or anxiety or anything like that?  Is there any chance that he would be willing to go to counseling, or financial counseling?

    To stick it out or not can only be your decision in the end.  Nobody can tell you if it's worth it or not to stay with him.  Only you can answer that.  But I would definitely recommend couples counseling for the two of you, and individual counseling for at least you even if he won't agree to go.

    PM me if you ever want to talk.  *HUGS*
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  • If you are questioning yourself now, you will question yourself later.

    Get out while you can. Why get in more debt for a wedding that you two can't afford?

    If you accept his situation as it is now, do you think he's going  to change once you marry him? Nope. He already got what he wanted.

  • Sometimes he says he thinks he's depressed but when I respond with anything along the lines of "Go see someone then" he quickly says no and decides he's just tired. 

    I should call the counseling center with the university and see if they have time for me. FI has also said no to couples counseling. 
  • ErinG93ErinG93 member
    2500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:5ef848dc-f32a-483b-8390-ca464033e3ce">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sometimes he says he thinks he's depressed but when I respond with anything along the lines of "Go see someone then" he quickly says no and decides he's just tired.  I should call the counseling center with the university and see if they have time for me. <strong>FI has also said no to couples counseling. </strong>
    Posted by ArynBaker[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Is there some particular reason he's opposed to couples counseling? I think that's a great idea.

    </div>
  • Aryn, I think this is only something you can decide. All I can offer you is that I was there with a boyfriend about five years ago. He lived at home and had none of his Ish together. I was getting ready to graduate with two degrees, and he had zero motivation to move forward. I cut the ties, and although it made me feel awful, and hurt him badly, it was the best choice for me. And I am so glad I did. I hope this all works out for you, and know you have my support with whatever you choose.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:1439557d-469a-4bcf-8704-cd2f9f923ffc">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you are questioning yourself now, you will question yourself later. Get out while you can. Why get in more debt for a wedding that you two can't afford? If you accept his situation as it is now, do you think he's going  to change once you marry him? Nope. He already got what he wanted.
    Posted by laceymachele[/QUOTE]
    I"m sorry, I know that when a poster puts it out there we tell it like it is, but that's pretty harsh.
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  • Aryn, I feel for you, and I understand exactly what you're going through. My FI's issues run deeper than just financial, but he's definitely got a problem with finances as well. He just graduated with almost 100 grand in student loan debt, he has credit card debt on top of it, no job prospects and he doesn't seem that motivated to even go out and get one. He says he's going to do it after the bar and I hope he does, but even aside from that, everytime he gets a little bit of money in his pocket, he spends it. Like I said, he has some other issues that he needs to deal with, but right now, it's like finances don't matter to him when they need to.

    To me, it would come down to whether or not he started to make an effort to get a better job. I believe he's a bouncer at a club right now, yes? If he's only working 20 hours a week, he could definitely find another part time job... doing literally anything to try to get more hours. Restaurants are almost always hiring, he could try retail... pretty much anything just to make some more money.

    If deep down, you think he's always going to be this way, and he's never going to have the motivation to do what he needs to do to take care of his bills, then maybe it is time to get out. Right now it's just the two of you, but is he going to continue to be like this when there are children to feed and take care of?

    I'd have a serious come to Jesus talk if you haven't already. He needs to set a life plan and show you he's serious about it and can stick to it.

    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. LIke I said, my issues are a little different, but I totally get the mindset of struggling with whether leaving him is truly the best thing you can do for yourself. It's so hard to leave someone you love so much, regardless of the reason. I hope you can figure out what's best for you. Feel free to PM me anytime you need to talk.
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  • I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really crappy, and I know it's painful.

    I dont' think you should be married to someone that refueses to pull his weight. What would happen if you were unable to work for a period of time? And do you want to be in a relationship where you're providing for him and he's not contributing financially?

    But that doesn't mean you need to break up. You should have a serious talk with FI about his motivation and contribution to your finances. Let him know that you are not okay with how things are going. Tell him what you expect of him. 

    Love is not always enough to make a marriage work, unfortuantely. Not that I think you should give him an ultimatum or anything, but you really should tell him that his behavior is making you consider not getting married. 
  • My advice would be that you need to put this wedding on hold and move out.  It sounds like your parents are supporting you and I feel like a couple should be able to be financially independent and sound before deciding to get married.  Right now, it doesn't look like either one of you are a position to get married.  I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't break it off completely, but I think you need to stop wedding planning, step back, and seriously assess the situation.

    I'll also add that his lack of motivation is probably part of his personality.  It's fine to not like this, but it may mean that he isn't right for you.  You're not a bad person for feeling like this, and he's not a bad person for being like this, but you may not be right for each other.

    I feel for you.  I can't imagine going through this- particularly this close to the wedding.  Good luck!

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:5ef848dc-f32a-483b-8390-ca464033e3ce">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sometimes he says he thinks he's depressed but when I respond with anything along the lines of "Go see someone then" he quickly says no and decides he's just tired.  I should call the counseling center with the university and see if they have time for me. FI has also said no to couples counseling. 
    Posted by ArynBaker[/QUOTE]
    If there is one thing I"ve learned in the last year, it is that you can't change someone who doesn't want to change himself.  It is unfortunate that he won't agree to couples counseling.  I would still recommend you go by yourself.  If nothing else, a counselor will help you sort out your feelings and make the right decision for you.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:1439557d-469a-4bcf-8704-cd2f9f923ffc">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you are questioning yourself now, you will question yourself later. <strong>Get out while you can.</strong> Why get in more debt for a wedding that you two can't afford? If you accept his situation as it is now, do you think he's going  to change once you marry him? Nope. He already got what he wanted.
    Posted by laceymachele[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry, I think this kind of advice is worthless. She loves him enough that she's supposed to marry him. It's not that easy to just cut someone out of your life like that.
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  • ErinG93ErinG93 member
    2500 Comments
    Hugs to you Aryn. Angel has good advice too. 

    Would your FI be willing to work in fast food/bus boy/ anything to bring in a little extra income? 
  • I hate asking this, because it's all party line-like, but how old is he?  I ask because I'm wondering how much "real life" experience he has.  Does he have any idea what he wants to do with his life? 

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:612e523d-23e2-40f3-9575-81bc147fc116">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Financial Issues Advice : Is there some particular reason he's opposed to couples counseling? I think that's a great idea.
    Posted by ErinG93[/QUOTE]

    <div>He's never really said why. He agreed to it once when I was having an "OMG get your shiz together now, I'm so stressed!" moment but when I brought it up again later he denied agreeing to it. </div><div>
    </div><div>And thanks guys, I feel like deep down I know it'd be better for me if I did leave. I guess I've been hoping he will get things together. </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:b43208ac-6f42-4d79-98c5-17d729e3d66d">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Financial Issues Advice : I"m sorry, I know that when a poster puts it out there we tell it like it is, but that's pretty harsh.
    Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ditto this. Wth</div>
  • ski2playski2play member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited May 2012
    ETA:  sorry not first, my daughter called before I finished and his post.  Ugh,

    Sorry Aryn, this is a hard decision for you.  Know we are here for you as you work through it.

    Okay, I am going to go first and tackle this one, but keep in mind that only you can decide what is in your head and your heart.

    I was in a similar situation (oh say, close to 25 years ago) with my then husband.  We were young, and happy but he lacked motivation to do more than the basics to get by.  Very quickly we were raising two kids and the years flew by, never enough money, and he barely got off the couch except to go to work.  After 22 years of marriage and most of my youth gone, I filed for divorce and have never looked back once.

    So my advice is this, determine if you can live in that environment, because that may be as good as it gets.  I understand someone not knowing what they want to be when they grow up and you FI may certainly be in that category, but if he does not change his ways you are destine for a future where you are supporting him, and being the major breadwinner it sounds like. 

    Take some time away, move back in with your parents, or get an apartment on your own, it sounds like he needs to do some growing up financially if he has any expectations of being able to care for you and your possible future family.

    Hope this wasn't to harsh, again, just my two cents.  Hope my mothering instincts didn't come out to loud.
  • Can I tell you what I would do in your situation?

    Leave.  Because you know how this might end up? My marriage almost ended up in divorce within the first few months because of how my husband acted, which is eerily close to yours. He didn't have the debt, but the not paying rent, not looking for jobs,  and basically having no motivation took a serious toll on our marriage. I hated him, I resented him, I wasn't attracted to him anymore. It ended up with me moving out and plans to file for divorce, but we ended up doing counseling and things are a lot better now.

    But with all that said, it was the worst few months of my life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I wish it hadn't taken moving out and a separation to make him see the light. And I would HATE to see you go through the same thing, because it was a HARD change.
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  • Ok, so here are my thoughts.

    First, you need to know what you want, before you can even approach this.  What is it that you need from him for you to feel comfortable moving forward with the wedding/your life together?  And WHY do you need those things?  Once you have an idea of that, I would sit down with him, and say "This is what I need, and this is why, come up with a plan."

    These are big changes, and they're going to take time.  But it should be fairly easy for him to show you some progress, unless there's something else going on (depression, etc).  And you need to know what you're able to put up with and for how long.  In the meantime, I think if it were me, I'd at least put things on hold with the wedding until you're confident in the progress. 

    And yes, I think counseling for yourself is a good idea.  It's really unfortunate that he wouldn't go with you.  That would be a deal breaker for me, but I'm super biased because I'm majorly pro counseling/therapy. 

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  • I also agree with the posters who suggested you move out.  He currently has very little motivation to get his shiiit together.  If you stop supporting him, he's going to learn a real life lesson very quickly.  I don't suggest doing it as punishment, or to teach him a lesson...but you need to take care of you right now, and he needs to take care of him.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:364e861b-5187-4820-8a06-a3e1cad1e480">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]I hate asking this, because it's all party line-like, but how old is he?  I ask because I'm wondering how much "real life" experience he has.  Does he have any idea what he wants to do with his life? 
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is actually a good question and brings me to another point. He's 28. He was kicked out of the Air Force because of multiple minor infractions. The majority of them being he didn't wake up to go to drills or simply wouldn't go to things he didn't want to. </div><div>
    </div><div>He agreed a few months ago to start looking for minimum wage jobs but only applied to one where he knew the manager, but they were already fully staffed. </div>
  • Ditto everything that JK said.

    You don't HAVE to make any permanent decisions now.  If you're not sure you want to go through with the wedding, put it on hold.  It is easier to reschedule a wedding than to file for divorce.  That will at least buy you the time that YOU need to figure out what YOU want, what YOU need.

    Trust me, I know that it feels like you have to make every decision this second, this moment in time.  But if you aren't sure what you want to do, then your most important step needs to be to figure that out.  Once you're sure what you need, the rest will fall into place.  It may hurt, it may not be what you want, but at the very least you will know for certain that the choice you are making is the right one.
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  • Aryn, you got a lot of good advice. I would take a step back and think about this. You are really young yet and there is no need to get married soon. Finally, I think it's a really bad sign that he won't do any therapy. Relationships are hard work and if he isn't willing to work on it now, then will he 10 years, a house, and two kids later when you go through a rough patch? :(
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:3501c277-d0dd-4f04-a868-f660c0e1ab4e">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]My advice would be that you need to put this wedding on hold and move out.  It sounds like your parents are supporting you and I feel like a couple should be able to be financially independent and sound before deciding to get married.  Right now, it doesn't look like either one of you are a position to get married.  I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't break it off completely, but I think you need to stop wedding planning, step back, and seriously assess the situation. I<strong>'ll also add that his lack of motivation is probably part of his personality.  It's fine to not like this, but it may mean that he isn't right for you.</strong>  You're not a bad person for feeling like this, and he's not a bad person for being like this, but you may not be right for each other. I feel for you.  I can't imagine going through this- particularly this close to the wedding.  Good luck!
    Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Also, this. I've come to realize that my husband doesn't have a lot of motivation. He's great in some areas, like he's super helpful cleaning the house and cooking with me, but not motivated in other areas at all like getting out of bed at a decent time.

    </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:d2c8a1bb-8a4d-46d1-86dc-21f0c19ac273">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Financial Issues Advice : This is actually a good question and brings me to another point. He's 28. He was kicked out of the Air Force because of multiple minor infractions. The majority of them being he didn't wake up to go to drills or simply wouldn't go to things he didn't want to.  He agreed a few months ago to start looking for minimum wage jobs but only applied to one where he knew the manager, but they were already fully staffed. 
    Posted by ArynBaker[/QUOTE]

    Oh, Aryn.  I'm sorry dear, because I'm really quite fond of you and I know that this is probably tearing you apart as it is, but if he can't get his act together for the military, I'm seriously concerned about his motivation to do it for himself or anyone.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:3eb18dab-47ad-4717-b1e6-0dcd80dce842">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Financial Issues Advice : He's never really said why. He agreed to it once when I was having an "OMG get your shiz together now, I'm so stressed!" moment but when I brought it up again later he denied agreeing to it.  And thanks guys, I feel like deep down I know it'd be better for me if I did leave. I guess I've been hoping he will get things together. 
    Posted by ArynBaker[/QUOTE]

    <div>It might be a good idea to say something to the effect of "I love you, I can't handle this situation anymore. If we can't go to couples counseling and figure this out I don't think I can go through with the marriage." </div><div>
    </div><div>Either way, if nothing changes you probably shouldn't marry him. Postpone the wedding or something, but if you are uncomfortable then please don't put yourself in a bad situation. </div>
  • I am sort of in a similar place. My fiancee works about 35 hours a week, he is a full time employee but they are always trying to cut back on hours at his job. He's been there for 5 years. He has paid his half of all our household bills and stays on top of his credit card bills, of course not paying them off every month but keeping them in good standing. My problem is, hes been at this job for 5 years with no raise and is treated like complete dirt. A couple months back his boss called him on a Monday morning and told him he was being suspended from work for 3 days (which was actually 5 due to his days off) and didnt really even tell him why. Then when he went back to work he was basically told "you need to comunicate more" which i think is a bs excuse because they needed a reason to suspend him. He works the evening shift and is the only one there in his department, who would he communicate better with! ANYWAY, i've tried and tried and tried to get him to apply for other jobs and see what else is out there. I found a similar posiiton to his with a different company that paid almost $5 more an hour!! Are you kidding me, $5 more an hour plus 40 hours plus realllly good health insurance and your not jumping up and down with excitement? I've talked with a close friend about this and we have decided that we just think his crappy employer has spent 5 years de-grading him, knocking him down, etc so he has no confidence in applying for something else and he would be mortified of having to go on a job interview, because lets face it a job interview you are there to sell yourself and when you have no confidence thats pretty rough!

    I started applying for jobs for him and making him go on the interviews, so jobs we knew he wouldnt get, or didnt want but the interview process was good practice!! I know this is a a horrible no no to do for him, but honestly its easy to do, and if it helps him and helps boost his confidence then ill do it!!

    Maybe you could try this? and maybe if it doesnt help or he doesnt go for the interviews that will help you make your decision.

    best of luck and pm me if you need anything!!
  • ErinG93ErinG93 member
    2500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:67ed043f-4774-44b7-bf2f-c96b19dc913c">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Financial Issues Advice : Oh, Aryn.  I'm sorry dear, because I'm really quite fond of you and I know that this is probably tearing you apart as it is, but if he can't get his act together for the military, I'm seriously concerned about his motivation to do it for himself or anyone.
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is what I was trying to write and kept deleting. I know being in the military is tough, but I think it's a red flag if he can't wake up for his drills. Super big hugs to you Aryn.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:d2c8a1bb-8a4d-46d1-86dc-21f0c19ac273">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Financial Issues Advice : This is actually a good question and brings me to another point. He's 28. He was kicked out of the Air Force because of multiple minor infractions. The majority of them being he didn't wake up to go to drills or simply wouldn't go to things he didn't want to.  He agreed a few months ago to start looking for minimum wage jobs but only applied to one where he knew the manager, but they were already fully staffed. 
    Posted by ArynBaker[/QUOTE]

    <div>I know I don't post over here a lot but I wanted to comment after I saw the air force thing. If he was kicked out of the air force and that didn't change him and it wasn't his "oh shhit" moment, then I wonder what will be? It's a pretty big deal to be kicked out of the military and if my H was kicked out of the Navy, it would throw up many many red flags to me.</div><div>
    </div><div>I'm sorry you're going through this. :-(</div>
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  • Oh Aryn - what a rough place to be in.  I can't tell you what to do, but I can say you are totally right to be concerned about his lack of motivation.  Does his pay depend on how much he works?  Is he in danger of being let go for only working 20 hours a week?  Does he do other constructive things with his time when he's not working (like help around the house?  Cook/clean/laundry, etc?).  Would you be in a position where he could be more of a "house-husband" and you would be more of the provider role (I dont' remember what you do, but if your dad is paying your half of the rent I'm guessing this isn't an option at this time).  Would you both be okay with an arrangement like that?  

    If he's not willing to do couples counseling or talk to anyone about his lack of motivation I would at least postpone the wedding and see if that kick-starts him to realize how serious you are.  Marriage needs to be a partnership and if he is not willing to contribute his share now, and doesn't seem at all concerned about his financial situation it is unlikely that will change just because you got married.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:fa26fe70-aeb7-4207-b0c3-3ba42da28a3e">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE] I started applying for jobs for him and making him go on the interviews, so jobs we knew he wouldnt get, or didnt want but the interview process was good practice!! I know this is a a horrible no no to do for him, but honestly its easy to do, and if it helps him and helps boost his confidence then ill do it!! Maybe you could try this? and maybe if it doesnt help or he doesnt go for the interviews that will help you make your decision. best of luck and pm me if you need anything!!
    Posted by shanliann[/QUOTE]


    This is probably the worst advice I've ever heard.  Enable him to not have any motivation and not do anything for himself?  YES PLEASE! 

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    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
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